33 answers

What Is a Fair Time for Your Teen's Guest to Leave Your Home?

What is a fair time to have guests over in your home? My 18 yr old has a male friend who comes to visit her at our home. We really like the boy but felt that he was staying a little too late some nights. So I told her that 10pm is a good time for him to go home since we work and want to go to bed and can not go to bed if there are guests in our home. We also set the house alarm at night time. Exceptions to this would be if my 18 yr old was out with friends or on a date, then I would wait up for her.When she is out, her curfew is midnight, She is going to college in a few months and doesn't think I am being fair. Am I?

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So What Happened?™

I would like to thank everyone for their responses. This is my first time posting a question and I was happy to hear from other people and their opinions. I may extend the time to midnight on weekends and possibly 11pm on weeknights and/or show her how to set alarm so we can get the rest we need for our work responsibilities. We do have trust issues with a younger teen in the house so that is why I am cautious about curfew times and giving alarm codes out. I also would like to add that my 18 yr old has no job, no responsibility etc.. so thinking of other people's responsibilities are far from her mind. I do realize she will be on her own in a few months and I won't have control over how late she stays out, etc... Thanks again, we will re-evaluate! :)

More Answers

Of course it is your house and your rules, but as soon as you make it too unreasonable you will be left with your house and your rules, with no one but you there. You don't want to make her leave, or sneak out or anything. She is safest at home, right? You want her to want to come home from college on breaks don't you?

If her curfew is midnight, then that should be when all guest should leave as well. You can state what area of the house they should stay in, and other limits such as that. With a 10 pm curfew, they would have to start a movie at 8pm some movies even 7pm-(with Kevin Costner), to watch it-finish it. With a 10 pm curfew, it will cause unnecessary stress on everyone involved. Go to bed, she will be fine. If you can't sleep now, just wait until fall, when she is really gone.

IF you like the 18 yr old boy, and trust him, then it would be much safer for him to be at your house with your daughter. Even into the night hours. Odds are she is already into more than you know, at least keep her close.

Quick back story: My husband was raised with very strict parents, everyone out of the house by the time his father would go to bed.. no music could be played after he was home from work.. etc... Well, the result was, when my husband left for college, it was years before he even wanted to return. He would go to friends houses for holidays and would work every summer in the college town. He didn't want to be under their roof again. In fact we have 5 children, They have met his parents 6-7 times in their lifetime so far.

Too many times unreasonable parents, are lonely parents, into old age, the homes are full of them.

Just a thought, I know your situation is not like his, but you want her to WANT to come home and spend quality time with you don't you.

Just my 2 cents.. good luck

6 moms found this helpful

First thing, "YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES"!! That being said, she's 18 so she is legal now. 10:00p seems early to make someone leave especially if she is allowed to stay out until midnight if she's not staying at home. I don't see the problem with her 'friend' being allowed to stay until midnight, at least you know where she is- she's home! Can your daughter not set the house alarm herself before she goes to bed? You can't go to bed if there are guests because you don't want to or you just can't bring yourself to fall asleep if you know someone else is in the house?

3 moms found this helpful

Granted I don't have an 18 y/o yet, mine is 11. He does have neighborhood friends that stay over playing sometimes until 9:00-9:30 during the summer. So, 10:00 to me for an 18 year old adult seems way too strict and yes, unfair! Just my opinion, everybody's got a different one.

3 moms found this helpful

My girls are younger but if at 18 they want to hang out at our house with (guys or girls) instead of go out somewhere I will be thrilled. 10 pm seems very early to me, can't you just go to bed and let her set the alarm? People are right it is your house, your rules but I would consider two things. She is a legal adult that will be make all her own decisions very soon and consider the alternative to being at your home. Your strict rules may force her to spend more time, at night, somewhere else. Would you get more sleep that way?

2 moms found this helpful

For teens who have no jobs, it's hard to relate to people who do, but they need to respect what you need so you can function at work. She should get a job where she's serving breakfast at 6am and then see what she thinks about staying out past midnight. When she has a home of her own, it will be her turn to set the rules.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds fair to me.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi "Mom,"
While I am not at this stage yet - my teen is only 15, I know I'll be at that stage of having an adult child in the house soon enough, and your 18 year old IS an adult. I wouldn't set rules for an 18 year old adult based on issues you are having with your younger one who is still a child. I don't think it's appropriate for a legal adult to have a curfew based on how late you think they should be out at night. Curfews and times for guests to leave should be based on consideration. Yes, if you need to go to bed and don't want to allow guests or dont want to be woken up in the middle of the night, you do need to say that by midnight you need to be home or call to tell us you're spending the night elsewhere (as she is an adult, she really does not need ot tell you where). However, if at 18 she cannot manage to set the alarm after the young man leaves (and if your only real concern is the alarm being set) and you expect that she's going to be able to live on her own in college, one of these beliefs is wrong. Which is it? As an adult living in the house, she should have the alarm codes, come and go as long as she is not disturbing you with noise. Remember that when a child becomes an adult, even when they live in your home, there is an adjustment that should be made in the relationship.

2 moms found this helpful

Your guidelines sound reasonable and sensible to me. It's your daughter's job to push those limits. It's your job to listen to her sympathetically, but to stay firm unless she shows good cause for making occasional exceptions.

I love the phrase "Be as inevitable as the tides." When you have good reasons for setting rules, treat them as if they are natural, worthwhile, and worthy of her respect.

2 moms found this helpful

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