33 answers

What Is a Fair Time for Your Teen's Guest to Leave Your Home?

What is a fair time to have guests over in your home? My 18 yr old has a male friend who comes to visit her at our home. We really like the boy but felt that he was staying a little too late some nights. So I told her that 10pm is a good time for him to go home since we work and want to go to bed and can not go to bed if there are guests in our home. We also set the house alarm at night time. Exceptions to this would be if my 18 yr old was out with friends or on a date, then I would wait up for her.When she is out, her curfew is midnight, She is going to college in a few months and doesn't think I am being fair. Am I?

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I would like to thank everyone for their responses. This is my first time posting a question and I was happy to hear from other people and their opinions. I may extend the time to midnight on weekends and possibly 11pm on weeknights and/or show her how to set alarm so we can get the rest we need for our work responsibilities. We do have trust issues with a younger teen in the house so that is why I am cautious about curfew times and giving alarm codes out. I also would like to add that my 18 yr old has no job, no responsibility etc.. so thinking of other people's responsibilities are far from her mind. I do realize she will be on her own in a few months and I won't have control over how late she stays out, etc... Thanks again, we will re-evaluate! :)

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Of course it is your house and your rules, but as soon as you make it too unreasonable you will be left with your house and your rules, with no one but you there. You don't want to make her leave, or sneak out or anything. She is safest at home, right? You want her to want to come home from college on breaks don't you?

If her curfew is midnight, then that should be when all guest should leave as well. You can state what area of the house they should stay in, and other limits such as that. With a 10 pm curfew, they would have to start a movie at 8pm some movies even 7pm-(with Kevin Costner), to watch it-finish it. With a 10 pm curfew, it will cause unnecessary stress on everyone involved. Go to bed, she will be fine. If you can't sleep now, just wait until fall, when she is really gone.

IF you like the 18 yr old boy, and trust him, then it would be much safer for him to be at your house with your daughter. Even into the night hours. Odds are she is already into more than you know, at least keep her close.

Quick back story: My husband was raised with very strict parents, everyone out of the house by the time his father would go to bed.. no music could be played after he was home from work.. etc... Well, the result was, when my husband left for college, it was years before he even wanted to return. He would go to friends houses for holidays and would work every summer in the college town. He didn't want to be under their roof again. In fact we have 5 children, They have met his parents 6-7 times in their lifetime so far.

Too many times unreasonable parents, are lonely parents, into old age, the homes are full of them.

Just a thought, I know your situation is not like his, but you want her to WANT to come home and spend quality time with you don't you.

Just my 2 cents.. good luck

6 moms found this helpful

First thing, "YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES"!! That being said, she's 18 so she is legal now. 10:00p seems early to make someone leave especially if she is allowed to stay out until midnight if she's not staying at home. I don't see the problem with her 'friend' being allowed to stay until midnight, at least you know where she is- she's home! Can your daughter not set the house alarm herself before she goes to bed? You can't go to bed if there are guests because you don't want to or you just can't bring yourself to fall asleep if you know someone else is in the house?

3 moms found this helpful

Granted I don't have an 18 y/o yet, mine is 11. He does have neighborhood friends that stay over playing sometimes until 9:00-9:30 during the summer. So, 10:00 to me for an 18 year old adult seems way too strict and yes, unfair! Just my opinion, everybody's got a different one.

3 moms found this helpful

My girls are younger but if at 18 they want to hang out at our house with (guys or girls) instead of go out somewhere I will be thrilled. 10 pm seems very early to me, can't you just go to bed and let her set the alarm? People are right it is your house, your rules but I would consider two things. She is a legal adult that will be make all her own decisions very soon and consider the alternative to being at your home. Your strict rules may force her to spend more time, at night, somewhere else. Would you get more sleep that way?

2 moms found this helpful

For teens who have no jobs, it's hard to relate to people who do, but they need to respect what you need so you can function at work. She should get a job where she's serving breakfast at 6am and then see what she thinks about staying out past midnight. When she has a home of her own, it will be her turn to set the rules.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds fair to me.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi "Mom,"
While I am not at this stage yet - my teen is only 15, I know I'll be at that stage of having an adult child in the house soon enough, and your 18 year old IS an adult. I wouldn't set rules for an 18 year old adult based on issues you are having with your younger one who is still a child. I don't think it's appropriate for a legal adult to have a curfew based on how late you think they should be out at night. Curfews and times for guests to leave should be based on consideration. Yes, if you need to go to bed and don't want to allow guests or dont want to be woken up in the middle of the night, you do need to say that by midnight you need to be home or call to tell us you're spending the night elsewhere (as she is an adult, she really does not need ot tell you where). However, if at 18 she cannot manage to set the alarm after the young man leaves (and if your only real concern is the alarm being set) and you expect that she's going to be able to live on her own in college, one of these beliefs is wrong. Which is it? As an adult living in the house, she should have the alarm codes, come and go as long as she is not disturbing you with noise. Remember that when a child becomes an adult, even when they live in your home, there is an adjustment that should be made in the relationship.

2 moms found this helpful

Your guidelines sound reasonable and sensible to me. It's your daughter's job to push those limits. It's your job to listen to her sympathetically, but to stay firm unless she shows good cause for making occasional exceptions.

I love the phrase "Be as inevitable as the tides." When you have good reasons for setting rules, treat them as if they are natural, worthwhile, and worthy of her respect.

2 moms found this helpful

Your home, your rules. You are being fair. Keep up the good work momma.

1 mom found this helpful

If you have trust issues with your younger teen, you probably shouldn't take it out on your older teen. Your 18-yr old is an adult, it is a fact. She is no longer in high school so it is time to loosen up your apron strings. Sure your house your rules, but you need to start treating her as an adult(will you be enforcing a curfew when she visits over winter break, spring break or summer break???). If her curfew is midnight for when she is out then midnight it is all away around. If her and her friends are being disruptive then you can certainly ask her friends to leave. Granted I do not have older children but it wasn't all that long ago that I was 18. And by some of these actions it does in fact show her that you have trust issues with her(as well as the younger one)--hello waiting up for her to come home from a date???

So put a bit a faith in her and give her the alarm codes and go to bed at your normal bed time. Instruct her to not share it with her sibling. Unless there is something you are not sharing, I am sure you raised a good kid!

Also, it might be time for her to get a summer job to teach her to be responsible to others.

1 mom found this helpful

How late, is he staying? I agree that it is your house and your rules......but she is 18 and why does she not have her own alarm code to turn on the alarm? I understand staying up until your daughter returns home, I do for our 16 year old. I have told my children when friends are over when it is time to go especially if I am the one providing transportation home. If someone else is picking them up I have had children over to almost 1:00 a.m. exception not the rule.

She is 18 and will be leaving home soon to go to college. There you wont know what time she will be out to - just a thought.

1 mom found this helpful

Your house, your rules. I think that 10 pm is late enough on weeknights, maybe later on the weekends. Just because she is 18 doesn't give her the same rights to your home. She doesn't pay the mortgage or the bills, it is your home. When she is on her own she can have people over day and night!

1 mom found this helpful

I have a 15 yr old and she has guests often, mostly on weekends. Most of the time it is co-ed

Our time is midnight because Plano/Allen have curfews for under 18 of midnight on weekends.

This way, no one is out past city curfew. Most of the time, I either take the boys home or a parent picks them up and the girls sleepover.

An 18 yr old is legal age and 10 is a bit early in my opinion for an 18 yr old but it is your house.

My daughter knows how to set our alarm system and turn things out for the night as well.

1 mom found this helpful

i know you've gotten many great responses, but i thought i would comment since i understand the situation from both yours and your daughters point of view as i am only 22 and have been there but am also a mom and see where you are coming from. i think the curfew you currently have or that you stated above is perfect!!!! 10 weekdays and 11 or midnight weekends. when i was living with my parents, my now husband would be over all the time, but my mom applied the same rules that you have, with me and although i would be sad to see him go i respected my mom, i understood it was late and it was nice enough to at least have him over since many parents don't allow that. i let him know what my curfew was and he was very respectful and understanding. it doesn't seem that have trust issues with your daughters as one mother said because now that i am a mother i too would be worried about my daughter or son being out, not that i dont trust her but you know anything can happen( accident, god forbid, or anything like that) and you want to be ready and make sure she does get home safe!!! well i hope this helped!! and you are doing a great job!!! moms like you are giving us young moms a great example!! thanx!

1 mom found this helpful

your house, your rules. i think 10 on aworknight is perfectly acceptable - maybe extend to midnight on weekends?

1 mom found this helpful

I think you are being fair. I went to a college near home and lived at home until I was 22. My parents asked that my guests left at 10 for the reasons you stated. If my guests didn't understand then they didn't come over except on weekends. I did feel my parents were unfair but then I was living under their roof and had to follow their rules. Stick to your rules and some day she will understand.

your home... your rules! "Fairness" is a sidestep to the issue. At college, dorm rules would be similiar (find out). If more lenient perhaps accommodate but if there are younger children still at home consider their needs (and yours) as well. Roommate (apartment) rules will be more flexible but courtesy will apply.

Your house your rules. She is an adult, yes, but she is living there under your sufferance and paying no rent. If nothing else, it is common courtesy for her to let you know more-or-less where she'll be and when she'll be back. Not ask permission, mind you, as she is an adult, but to keep you informed when to expect her so you won't worry.

Also, I imagine there are certain activities you do not approve of and are not willing to tolerate in your home (sex, drugs, loud music, whatever). When she's on her own, that's her business, but while she's living with you, she is expected to abide by your rules on these things at the very least. You do have authority in your own house.

Also, she has to understand that you are her parents. You are understandably uncomfortable with her staying out to all hours of the night, regardless of who she's with. You would prefer she generally stick to reasonable hours, even though, as an adult, she doesn't have to. It just smooths things over so much better if she'll humor you on that. It's one of the prices of living with your parents. You have to be willing to go by their rules to keep the peace, even if you don't agree with them.

Now, as for the rules, a 10 o'clock curfew is really early. Bump it to 11 on weeknights and midnight or one on the weekends. And understand she's going to be a little late some nights, don't give her a hard time about it as long as she mostly comes in on time. Also, give her the code to the alarm. After all, I assume she has a house key, right? The alarm code's just another type of house key. Denying her a night key to the place she lives is kind of heavy-handed.

I think guests going home when you go to bed is perfectly fair and acceptable. I'd want to shoo them out even before that to have some down time before turning out the lights. I don't think I could relax if my kids had friends over.

As long as she is living in your house rent free, she lives by your rules. If she wants to pay rent like an adult, then she can complain about rules.
10pm is perfectly fair when people have to get up for work. You could work out a later time on weekends. It's great that she wants to hang out at home but where do you draw the line. Say "oh, you're 18 so now do whatever you want?". Especially when it's one boy. What does he need to be staying late for?
My parents never allowed that(a boy over), even when I did move out, and amazingly enough I still enjoy going home and never had any resentment toward them. They did what they thought was best for me.
Good luck. I hope it works out.

What works for YOUR house and YOUR family is up to YOU. If 10 is the most convenient time for you, that's when the limit should be set. In the family I grew up in, the parents were in bed by 9. In the family my husband grew up in, dinner might not be served until after 10. (You might remind your daughter that if she wants to be seen as, and treated like, an adult, she should learn to shrug and get over it when she doesn't agree with someone, instead of pouting or bickering like a middle school child. ;P)

I know I'm late, but our rule is no boys are allowed over after 10 (and we must ALWAYS be home for boys to be at the house), because we too work during the week and then on weekends it varies from 11-12, just depends on what's going on.

you are being absolutely fair. your home is not a home away from home for someone else, a way station, it not a place to flop for a while or a parking lot. he is a visitor and as such needs to know that there are boundaries and rules to visiting (which we just don't teach as manners anymore). one needs to know how not to outstay their welcome in ANY situation. this is also great training for your daughter as well as far as when and how to politely ask someone to leave her home.

your home is YOUR sanctuary.

I would follow curfew...during the week it is I believe 10 or 11 and on weekends a little later. They need to repect your time and their volume needs to be down. I would rather have my child want to be at my house then out where I have no say over things. If it's Midnight when she is out and about on her own and is of legal age, she will do as she pleases out there. Also after 6pm the rate of drunk drivers goes up every hour until about 4am. She would be safer hanging out at home. I would not stay up for her company but let her know the activity in the house needs to be quiet so you can get up for work and friends need to go at an appropriate time. It is your house. If there is concern with anyone she would be having over...regardless of time of day their in house time should be limited.

Personally, it's your house and your rules. It's a shame that she doesn't have a job and responsibilities. I had a job at 16 and have had one (or 2 or 3) ever since. If you have set a time, then leave it. If you show your younger teen that you are willing to bend the rules, then when their time comes, expect a fight! My mom was very strict about times. You just didn't question her. I also found that our house ran much smoother than most of my friends whose parents tried to be "buddies", rather than parents.

It is your home and it doesn't matter if she thinks it is fair (I think it is decent and reasonable --but will it make her go out after 10 to hang out wiht him more?)

You set the rules, she abides by them.

Talk to the boy as well about time.

It is your house, if she wants to live there it is your rules, even if she is 18. I would think 10 is plenty late, especially since I am one who can not sleep until I know house security has been put in place for the night. You are not being unfair.

That sounds reasonable to me. Why does he need to stay later?

Hello, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Besides, it is your house, therefore your rules. She might be trying to play the "I'm an adult" card.
Good luck with your precious daughter.
K. K.

Yes you are being fair. It's your house and in a few months when she's out on her own she can set her own rules. Until then, she should abide by your rules and I would not give her the code. I think 10pm is really fair for a work night, especially since you said she has no job or responsibilities.

Your house. Your rules. You would be the one put out.

The only way around that is if you changed your stance on not going to bed with a guest in your home, setting the house alarm and/or waiting up for your daughter.

I'm going to guess that you had/have good reasons for those rules and expectations. She'll have all the freedom she wants in a few months.

You decide what works for you and those living under your roof. Is making an exception for her now what you want to do?

She is 18, so she can technically do what she wants to now that she is legal and all that jazz, however it is your home and she should be respectful of your rules. It's not that you are treating her as a child, it's just that you have responsibilities of your own...like you said, getting up, going to work. It wouldn't be fair for her to keep you up all night coming in at 2 and 3 a.m because I am sure it'd wake you guys up, and like you said you cannot sleep if you have guests in the home. When she goes off to college then it's a different story. :-)

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