What 3 Things Do You Wish Your Child's Stepmother Knew?

1) That communications about the child should primarily occur between bio mom & dad (not mom to step-mom or vice versa - even if this is what dad prefers).

2) That dad can fight his own "battles."

3) That if you don't like dealing with former wife and child issues from a first marriage then maybe it's not a good idea to marry someone with that situation still going on.

There are many good step-parents out there - these are just thoughts that come to mind based on some things I have experienced.

As a stepmom I wish I was told:
1- He wants scary movies, says he loves them, but he'll have nightmares and be up all night.( I would have put on Indiana Jones)
2- That he is allergic to starwberries ( would have not made strawberry shortcake, did rush to the ER)
3- That when he skateboards he leans a little too heavy to O. side and he'll limp the next day, but he is fine took him to the doc.(panicked thinking he hurt himself on "our" weekend and was waiting for the fall out from the mom)
4-That he is shy about spending the weekend maybe just the day.( we would have been happy to oblige till he felt more comfortable for a sleepover)
5- That he is a bedwetter.(just to have been prepared and then this poor child wouldn't have been to embarrassed to tell us and slept in the wet bed all night, still breaks my heart when I think about it)

All this info would have been so useful, so I could put my SS at ease. But his mother is the kind that is bitter and uses her son as a weapon. I'm sure it's not easy for SOME of the bio-moms to give up some control when their kids visit with dad and stepmom. I just wish they'd get out of their heads and put their kids first.

Things I'd Wish I'd Been Told As A New Step-Mom

1. That "handle it how you think is appropriate" can be a test and I will be graded at the end of it. Please give me your honest opinion when I ask, I'm trying to respect you and do what's best for the kids.

2. The rules the kids are used to under Mom's care. It's harder for both the kids and me to adjust when I have no clue how much tv they are allowed and things like that.

3. ANY and ALL health concerns. Allergies, both big and small (like products that cause skin irritation, foods their stomachs that don't tolerate well). Don't let me find out SD has a slight heart murmur when I'm bringing her to a new dr. and he freaks out "discovering" it. Even if it hasn't caused problems (yet) if I'm involved in your child's care, tell me everything about their health. And no, my husband can't tell me these things when you never told him. We're doing our best, but we're not physic.

I could go on and on, but these are the top three I can think of.

not from personal experience, but from watching my sister's issues

1. the children are not yours so quit trying to be their mother
2. don't bad mouth their mother
3. don't put the children in the middle of your adult issues

1. That you are not her mother. This means you shouldn't judge my ways that are different than your ways. I mean if a mom and dad who love each other very much can come from 2 different places on child rearing issues, just imagine how 2 women who didn't choose each other can differ. It also means you should defer to me, don't start spouting off to teachers and relatives about how you're doing it that works for you and dad, don't subject my child to vastly different rules and regulations at your house, don't think you sit at the table with bio dad and I on equal ground because you're not. Just be happy you're at the table at all.
2. I know you think he's a great guy and I'm happy for you both, really, but you know when he was younger, he was a jack a** husband to me and he walked out on his 2 year old and it did effect her. So she might have some different emotional needs than your kids have. She, in general, is having a different life experience than your kids are having with a working mom and going back and forth between 2 houses and having 2 sets of rules, and splitting up holidays. Don't expect her to be like your kids because she's not having the same experience as your kids, she doesn't have the same history that your kids have...and maybe, it's not because I'm doing it wrong. See #1.
3. Recognize that to some extent you are darned if you do and darned if you don't. Sometimes I will be annoyed that you treat her differently than your kids and sometimes I will be annoyed that you're treating her the same. It's emotional to share your child. I hope you know that I know sometimes I am subjecting you to unreasonable standards. And I'm sorry. We just have to keep working at it.

My son doesn't have a stepmother yet, but may someday. In thinking about what I'd like his stepmom to know, lots of things come to mind, and I'm sure those things are somewhat age-specific, as in, the things that are most important when he is 5, may change when he is 15.

It's a given to me that stepmom would be privy to any and all health related needs (i.e. my son's peanut allergy and mild eczema) so that she can take the necessary precautions, and administer the necessary care. That isn't something that I *wish she knew.* That is something that she would absolutely be made aware of the instant she became a caregiver to my son. So while those things are important, I don't think they fit in the category of what I wish she knew... I mention this only because I see that this hasn't happened in some cases, which I can't even fathom...

As for the things I'd want my son's stepmom to know that might facilitate a better relationship, well, I think that first and foremost, I would want it to be cleary understood by all parties, smom included (sorry, lol, I couldn't resist the smom thing.. ;) that my son did not CREATE or OTHERWISE ASK to be in this situation, living between 2 families/households, and with that, the understanding that it isn't always easy for him. And while this is probably something the stepmom 'knows,' I'd want to be sure it was *understood.*

Secondly, I think I would want stepmom to understand that while I would expect my son to be respectful toward her, and to abide by household rules (and I'd be sure to share our 'rules' so that she would be aware of what my son is used to on a daily basis), I would expect her to defer any disciplining to my son's father. I believe that this is best for EVERYONE involved. Stepmom doesn't have the bond with my son that his father does that allows him to discipline him without damaging their relationship. That is not the case with step parents. My fiance does not discpline my son. He will give gentle directives, and redirection if necessary, but no real discipline. That's deferrred to me. I would expect that to be the same at his father's home.

Lastly, since you asked for 3 things, I would want stepmom to know that I desire for all of us adults to be civil, cordial even, so as to facilitate the most loving, easy, peaceful environment possible for my son, and for everyone involved. There is absolutely NO animosity whatsoever between my son's father and myself, so if we were the ones with the relationship issues, yet we are working harmoniously together to parent our son, then there is no reason that the rest of us shouldn't get along as well. My son deserves to be at peace, and ideally, to feel *loved* by all the parents and step parents in his life. But I know I can't force someone to love him. But I do hope and pray that any 'steps' that come into his life have the heart to love him.

So those are my 3 wishes.

My child has the right to love me and my family.

I am not the bad guy.

Clothes that come from my house need to be returned to my house. And even if he is paying child support he could buy a pair of shoes or a winter jacket too that can be used in both homes. And some of the school supplies.

Different isn't bad ---- it' just different.