Wedding and Kids

In this case, short of this relative footing the entire bill for the affair, it is the bridal couple who gets to call the shots. If they say kids are allowed, kids are allowed.

I can't get this new trend to dis-invite kids to weddings. I think it's rude and misses the whole point of what a wedding is all about. Weddings are about the coming together of two or more families to form a new family (the couple getting married). And it seems people have forgotten, families are made up of both adults and children.

I have declined every wedding I've been invited to, where the kids are not invited...and lately that has been a lot! Mostly because these are family weddings, and like you, that leaves no one to babysit (especially if the weddings are out of town). Interestingly, I had an aunt and cousin totally chew me out because I wouldn't leave my kids with a "babysitter" back home, so I could fly out East for a big society wedding where children were not invited. They suggested that I hire a sitter for the day in Maryland from a sitter service so the kids could travel with me, or to leave the kids at one of those by -the hour daycare places. When I said "I don't think so." They made me the enemy number one, and until this cousin had her first child a year ago, they were totally insensitve about the plight a parent has in finding "safe and reliable" daycare. Some people think it's okay to just leave their kids with anyone, anywhere. I have a problem with that. As for weddings overall, as I said, this seems to be an alarming treand...at least in my circles, and in fact, I think in the last four years, I've declined all but one wedding because the kids were invited.

Sadly, couples today are more focused on the "party" aspect of the reception...worrying that children are a detraction and inconvenience to those wanting an "adult" affair.

I say if they want to have an adult social event, they should elope and have their reception at a "sophistocated" club or casino where they can party with their "adult" counterparts in an all adult atmosphere. Afterall, I truly believe when children are eliminated from the guest list, the mindset of that the wedding and reception are tantamount to a really big prom night, about partying it up with friends as though they were still single, how much money they'll get, and many gifts they'll receive, and whether this "production" will be centered on them and about fulfilling their wants, that they really care about...not the sharing of their special day with family.

Most have no idea what an inconvenience this is to those with children. They probably won't get it until they have children. For those of us left to deal with the dilemma of `who will be available to watch the children,' it makes one wonder if the only reason we're being invited is to be a warm body to fill the pews and fill the coffers with gifts and money for the big "production."

I guess I just want to rant...and say to those planning a wedding, to be please think about it.

3 moms found this helpful

In this case since you are family and you have already received the OK from the groom I say take the kids, if you are uneasy because of 'auntie' check with the groom again.

We have been invited to 2 weddings recently (non-family members) that both stated 'No Children' on the invitation. Granted both of these weddings had evening start times and had full bars. The one we attended last fall had absolutely no children in attendance at the reception, at the actual wedding there was a flower girl and ring bearer. The other one we will be attending in September is also a 'No Children'. I have also attended a wedding where it actually stated on the invitation that no guests could wear the color white. Odd, maybe, but my take on it is: THEIR wedding, THEIR special day, THEIR money paying for it, THEY can make the rules. If you don't like it, don't go.

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To all the prior posts that say the kids are not "welcome" that isn't true. When my ex and I got married, it was in 1998 and I was 30. All of my friends at the time had gotten married at age 20 and already had 2-3 kids by then. We were inviting about 80 people and if they all would have brought their kids, it would have been more than 30 kids there. We were having the reception at a hotel that you still had to pay FULL PRICE for kids (about $25-30 per plate, you can do the math)! So we asked them to not bring their children. Only one of my ex's aunt and uncle got pissy about it and didn't come. So don't take it so personally if you are asked not to bring the kids. This is a tough economy right now and it may be a money factor. Unless you are willing to "gift" them $200 to cover the cost to have your family of 5 attend the wedding, I wouldn't be offended by it. I hope people understand this.

And if I were you, I would just contact the groom again and say so and so said there were no kids, are we still go to go? And be respectful of what he says. Good luck.

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If it's an elegant evening affair with a band and a bar, I probably wouldn't take them or just skip the reception.

It kind of pisses me off to be invited places that my children are not welcome. As a responsible parent, I try to be reasonable about where I take them and I would have done the same thing - call to ask if it was appropriate for this occasion.

allow me to vent a sec....
My sister in law had the nerve to say "no children please" on invitations to her baby shower! A party designed to celebrate babies and it was no babies allowed. Tacky doesn't begin to describe that type of thing. Guess how many people showed up. 3. Me, her husband, and the friend that threw the thing. She aced herself out of all that fun and got nothing for her new baby.

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the etiquette is MY KIDS GO WHEREVER I GO.
period. you talked to the groom, he said sure kids are fun, all this hearsay thing is something you should not pay attention. if your inlaws bring it up again just say we're on it, or we already talked to them and don't tell them what you're doing.
a friend of mine was getting married, and invited us to her wedding (this was a few years ago), her children were going to be at the wedding so of course i said yes without seeing the invitation. got the invitation, kids were not mentioned. called her up and she said no kids, just mine will be there and flower girls.
i said ok here's our reply: we can't come. end of story.
i think it's inconsiderate to invite parents and not kids. i would not leave my kids with a babysitting service or nanny or babysitter or whatever. if my kids aren't welcomed i won't go.

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I'd go with what the groom said. Who cares if there aren't other kids there? You can have fun as a family. Maybe his aunt was thinking your kids would not have a good time without other kids (this this aunt his mother?). I'd have your husband ask again just to be sure but if he okays it, I would take them. Also, if it didn't say it on the invitation that the reception was adults only, I would expect to bring my kids if the invitation said X FAMILY on the invite. If it just was addressed to my husband and I, I would probably ask first to see if kids are invited.

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taking children to a wedding unless specified on the invitation should be done with the i don't know if discression is the word I'm looking for, how do your children behave in public? can they sit still and quietly during the entire ceremony, you know your kids, if they can't your should not take them. When my first born was only 3 years old this older couple had a garden wedding in their back yard, the invitations said no children under 12, ours said except Edwin (our son) because they knew the behavior of our son. They used folding chairs and had baloons tied to each chair. our 3 year old sat still and quietly and did not touch the baloons tied to the chair, the guests who were angry about our child being there when thetes could not, realize why. At my brothers wedding children were invited sense his 7 year old step daughter to be was a flower girl and his 2 year old step son to be sat with me,very quiet very well behaved during the long ceremony, how ever 3 of my cousins brought their grand children, and they were running around being loud, so yeah discretion is the word I'm looking for. Weddings are adult events, and unless children are very well bejaved they should not be there. J.

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Maybe you can find out who's the wedding planner is first and clear it up with them. Sometimes the bride and groom can miss this things because too much things on their mind. You may bring it up with the bride/groom the next time you chit chat on how the wedding prep is going, and find out if they are aware of it (in a subtle way I guess). It may be that it was hard for the groom to say that, "No, kids are not allowed" and actually asked somebody else like his aunt to help him in the tangle. Some weddings have pre arranged number of seats.

Thank God mine is at the back yard and anybody can pull up a chair, or wait for one until someone else finished eating haha.

If you can't go because of the babysitting things, I'm sure they appreciate the truth of it, but off course top it off with a great good luck and congratulations and stuff.

:) Good luck!

Well, first of all it is rude that you were told one thing and then told something different. However, only the people named on the invitation are the ones invited, so did it have your childrens' names on it? I completely agree with the "no children at weddings" policy because too many people have had their ceremonies ruined by extremely rude people who don't take their crying or yelling babies out (not that you would do that, but I've witnessed it and made it clear that I wanted NO small children or babies at my wedding).

You were told to all come by the groom (is the aunt in question his mom?), so you have to decide if you'll feel uncomfortable showing up to the wedding with the kids. How old are your kids? I get it if you have babies or toddlers, but if your kids are old enough to be still and quiet, I'm not sure why there would be a huge problem unless it's a formal sit-down dinner reception. If you do have small children, maybe you should make it clear to everyone that the groom told you to please bring everyone and that one of you will stay outside with the young children while the ceremony is in progress.

If they're having a dinner reception, then you shouldn't go if the kids weren't specifically invited, because they will require seating and a paid-for dinner (which can run over $50 per person depending).

Since you ask about the etiquette -whether or not you go, since you were invited -you are supposed to send a gift!

Well, first, if you still have the original envelope, check how it was addressed. If It reads "John & Jane Doe" then that means their INTENT was no kids. It it reads "John & Jane Doe & Family", then you can feel free to bring the kids regardless of what this aunt says.

So maybe you tossed to outer envelope. Hmmmm. Now what? The groom said "Yes" and the aunt said "No". Lots of possible interpretations but here's mine. The groom made a mistake. And is now getting chewed out for telling you kids were OK when other guest were told not to bring 'em. Groom felt too awful to explain things and the aunt was nominated to break the news. Passive aggressive yes but a possible explanation.

I can tell you I do not like bringing my children to wedding...At least once they were >2 yrs old and always get a sitter. My cousin flat out insisted they come and it was an afternoon very small event and so was fine. My way of thinking is not that the trend is anti-kid...It is just an awareness that kids do not often enjoy an 8 hour day of wedding fun and when the kids aren't happy, then their parents aren't happy. And when the bride and groom see unhappy guest...Well, they too are unhappy.

At our wedding, we didn't NOT invite kids but our friends were not at the baby-making stage yet and most of our cousins were 12 yrs+. So we drew the line and cousins' children and that was really just to curb the guest list that was 330 and growing. In the end, we had maybe a dozen teenagers (which are not kids in my mind) and 6 younger kids.

Only those specifically listed on the inside envelope are invited. If it says "Bob and Mary" it's obvious the kids are not invited. If it says Bob and Mary, Johnny and Sue" then they are.

Also, I think it's in poor taste not to send some sort of a gift whether you attend the wedding or not.

Absolutely call the groom to ask. It's pretty shoddy manners for the aunt to call your in laws to talk about a matter that involves your family.

Every wedding I have ever been to has been a family affair, with children of all ages welcome and expected. I have never even heard of people not wanting children present until I read your post! A wedding is a time of celebration to be shared with everyone you love, of all ages. If you are unsure, check again with the groom, telling him of the mixed message you received from the Aunt, and go off of what he says.

Take them and have a great time!!!

I think you should see how the invitation envelope is worded. If it is addressed to "Mr. & Mrs." then the kids are not invited. If it reads, "and family" I would take the kids. Or to be on the safe side, just call back the groom and double check.

M.

I would call the groom back and confirm things have not changed. If he asks why, you can then inform that 'someone' (you don't have to name names if you don't want to) has called you and told you not to bring the kid b/c no one else will be. Plus, how does she know NO ONE is bringing kids? Is this a small wedding where she knows all that is attending? Ugh, I just dread weddings - both weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people.

If the bridal party says kids are welcome, then kids are welcome. In fact, a wedding is a family affair, and kids are part of the family. I have noticed in recent years that alot of people either don't bring their kids because of the age and the responsibility or don't invite kids because they want to have an adults only evening. As far as this wedding goes, your family was invited, which means your family should attend. If his aunt can't see that family is part of this, then that is her deal. Besides, the ring bearer and flower girl are kids.
All in all, the etiquette is to follow the bride and grooms request. You verified that kids were okay, so that means BRING your kids. Just make sure they know to be on their best behavior. Then, tell your husband to get off his cranky horse and get in the party spirit. Buy a nice, simple gift for the couple from their registry, and then allow your kids to make something nice for the couple- a frame of them with a picture of them trying on their outfits for the wedding, something fun. Or a "color me mine" ceramic bowl with their names and the wedding date on it. Ignore the aunt. If the couple really doesn't want children there, they should have told you. If you really feel unsure, call the couple to be again and verify that it is okay that kids come and they are not saying this out of guilt, but that they really want them there. Comfirm that they will be on their best behavior and then forget about it. You should all go if you were all invited. They knew about the kids when they invited you, so it's not like it's a surprise!
Good luck and enjoy the wedding!
-E. M