Was I Wrong to Ask a Child to Be Nicer to My Kid?

The whole situation was inappropriate. I probably wouldn't have told a child what he "should do" b/c he's not mine- I would probably have said something like "That's an unkind thing to say" and then removed my son from the situation. The other parent may or may not have had a point, either way she shouldn't have added her two cents either!

I would have said something too. So many times kids are mean to each other at school and nobody sees it. You saw it and you called him out. Good for you.

You could have told her, my son isn't the one telling anyone to "Go Away" , if he was I'd be disciplining him too!

Uhhhhh I’m sorry but saying “you should be a little nicer to my son” does NOT sound like discipling to me so I don’t know what that other Mom was talking about. After you said that to him did you say “Now go stand in the corner!” LOL!!

You were letting him know that his behavior was mean and that in the future he needed to correct it. To me you were basically saying “That wasn’t very nice”.

I’ve been in situations like that where I’ve said to another child “oh that wasn’t nice!” and then just walked away with my child.

Your son is only 6. Poor little guy! He knows he can count on Mommy to have his back.

Maybe what you can do is role play with him at home as to what he can do when a child is mean to him. That is what I do with my 5 y/o son. We’re not always going to be around in situations like this =-)

It takes a village to raise a child!

I have ZERO problem with other parents correcting my kids, and in fact encourage it bc I think it teaches them to respect ALL adults, and I think that is tremendously important ... I think is A HUGE PROBLEM WITH TODAY'S CHILDREN!!!!!!!! too many parents are SO sensitive to teachers or other adults/parents talking to THEIR kids or correcting them, it's like- say THANK YOU! back in the day neighbors used to depend on each other for this very reason. aaaah! So I commend you for stepping up.

That said, I also have no problem kindly correcting another child if I see bullying going on. I have a ZERO-HATE tolerance and if I see it, I WILL correct it. Usually the moms will thank me or tell their kids " _____, tell her yes ma'am" or "please say sorry" bc they may not have noticed or when they do they understand where I'm coming from too.

If the mom or other parent has a problem, I brush it off and realize that's the kid who will have issues with teachers and peers later on and I feel bad.

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Although I totally understand how much it hurts to watch others be "mean" or exclusive of your kids, I think I would've ignored it.

There's a strong chance that you just made things worse for your son, if he sees that boy/group regularly. Because now, he's the kid whose "mommy had to fight for him".

It's not about discipline. It's about how you teach your child and help them cope with these kinds of scenarios that are going to regularly occur in life. You didn't help your son's confidence, by teaching him to blow off that other boy's comments. Rather, you showed him how to let a bully "get" to you.

I absolutely would have said something too, and I do not feel like what you said was out of line or harsh to the 8 year old. You simply stated "you should be nicer to ___." In my opinion he and that other Mother got off easy. I have and will continue to step up when I see someone being rude or mean to a child. I don't care who you are...I'm gonna say something. If the parents are present and step up to handle their child then great but if they don't I will. I have no problem with that especially if another child is being mistreated...it doesn't even have to be my child. I just do not tolerate rude, mean, bullish behavior period. I will usually get down on their level and say "Well that wasn't a very nice thing to do/say. How would it make you feel if someone did that to you? Well that's exactly how you just made ____ feel. That doesn't feel good at all does it? While I understand you're older and don't really want a 6 year old sitting with you, what would have been a better way to handle it?" "I think we could all do better next time." And yes I have done this at my daughter's school, playground, park, inside the Chick filet playland. and yes I have gotten some snarky remarks but I try to maintain my calm demeanor and simply respond that I'm sure the child's parents didn't see what just occurred or they SURELY would have taken the opportunity to teach their child proper manners. That usually shuts them up. I have on occasion had Mothers get ticked at me for correcting their child but someone had to and if their not gonna say something I will. One Mother got upset that I spoke with her child about not pushing the little ones off of the slide. Her child was at least 8 or 9, she was literally physically pushing and knocking the four year olds off the slide so she could climb up the slide from the bottom. I was extremely nice to the child because, let's face she is a child. I explained how the slide was for everyone to share and she too should get to take her turn, but that it's never allowed to push or pull a child off of the slide because someone is going to get hurt. The child was actually ok with what I said and how I handled it and I was in the process of having all the kids line up and rotate to take turns...everyone was happy including the 8 yr old. Her Mother was not, she came over after finally hanging up her cell phone and getting her lazy butt up off the bench to say that I had no business correcting her child and that she didn't appreciate me sticking my nose in where it didn't belong....blah blah blah. Luckily for her there were all these children present, including my own child. So I simply replied "that her child should not have been manhandling the other children especially not children that are less than 1/2 her age and size. I thought I would lend you a hand since you were busy on your cell phone, I assumed it was an important conversation since you didn't interrupt it to reprimand your own child. Clearly I was mistaken about the call, you're just a lazy parent with no home training and you're passing that off to your child as well." Ummm...yeah she didn't know what to say so she grabbed her kid and started walking away. I did say goodbye to her child and said we'd be happy to play with her again. People just amaze me with their ignorance these days. If any parent would have ever called my parents to say we were rude or misbehaving or doing something dangerous, my parents would have immediately thanked them for the heads up and disciplined us girls. I too will/would appreciate another Mom correcting my child if she was being rude and I wasn't there to correct her. Now of course I wouldn't raise my voice to another person's child nor would I want/allow anyone to scream like a maniac at my child but I would have had no problem with you saying what you did to my child. I'm soooo very sick of the "not my child" syndrome, where parents refuse to believe their little angel did anything wrong. Oh yes my dear....she/he did, and guess what...they all do, their kids. Our job as adults is to teach them a better way to express their feelings without hurting someone else.

Different but similar situation...I will, and have, told other kids to stop a certain behavior when it was hurting one of my kids (or any other kid for that matter.) Example: fast food restaurant...older kids (5 or 6) were pushing my toddler off the slide at the play area and cussing at my 3 year old daughter. I told them they need to be gentle with the baby (he's only 1) and that it is everyone's play area and they need to share. Then I let my DD go down the slide one more time and we left as I did say, under my breath (I know it was childish), we'll come back another time when there are nicer kids here and parents who pay attention and correct their little bullies)...loud enough for the other moms to hear who were too busy chatting to notice their kids were being mean. If they had said anything back, I probably would have said that I now know where their kids got it from and walked away. That said, if my kids were being mean to another child, I would HOPE a parent would correct them in a kind way. We have to work together to make this world a better place.

I don't think you were out of line at all to tell the child to be nicer to your son. I would have said "this is a school/family event, and everyone is welcome here, 'm sorry, there is no reserved seating, he is welcome to sit wherever he wants. He has a right to be here just as much as anyone else does." To the rude mother, "funny, you will just stand there silently and allow a child to treat another with cruelty, that's what I find funny."

No-not wrong at ALL!!! I probably would have said something to the mom also like-"Oh yeah I would...I would say that to ANYBODY who treated another person like that. Are you kidding me-really-you wouldn't have said anything. Wow. And you know what else-I would have said it if his mom was right here and didn't reprimand him for it."

If this child has a history of excluding your child (or any other child), that is actually a form of bullying. Assuming your son wasn't doing anything to be annoying, rude, mean, etc., then I think it's ok to say something to the other boy.

When we were little, there was one particular girl who was ALWAYS mean to my little sister. she would tell other kids to be mean to her, not to play with her, etc. I don't think we ever really did anything about it then, but looking back, I wish we would have.

Not at all, in my opinion.
I have an 8 yr old son with high functioning autism and he gets picked on at times by younger kids. I've had no problems going to the park across the street from our house where is playing and letting them know that what they are saying to him is wrong and they need to stop picking on him or we will have a problem and I will need to talk to their parents. I get a little over-protective of him b/c of his poor social-relating skills and the fact that he doesn't understand confrontation or how to defend himself, but I suspect I would do the same thing with my daughter when she gets a little older if that was happening to her (though she has no signs of autistic tendencies).

I believe we have to be our children's advocates and if others treat them unfairly, it is completely just to help correct them. If someone doesn't like that, I really wouldn't care because I know I'm not doing anything wrong to the child, just protecting my own and offering some much needed advice. I get easily freaked out about bullying, even in the younger stages because of what is happening to bullied kids on a national level. I don't want to let that happen to my child.

I would have told the mom with the problem, "sorry you feel that way but I'm going to protect my child, the kid was treating him badly."

It would be hard for me not to say something when I see my child excluded like that. Actually, I probably would have said something even if it wasn't my child that was the recipent of the other child's exclusionary tactics. It's hard for me to stay silent when I see a social injustice being carried out, but I do try my best to be tactful about it.

As for what that other parent said to you, a lot of parents out there in my community would probably say the same to me but that's only because they don't not hang out at our household all the time and, now that my children are older, I try to be discrete when I reprimand or discipline them. I believe that I should always aim for teaching my children right from wrong without exposing them to unnecessary shame.

Just ignore that mom. Everyone has opinions; it doesn't necessarily make them right.

No you weren't wrong, I would "nicely" said the SAME thing to the other boy~

Welcome to elementary school - kids are still learning how to act in groups, sometimes they do the wrong thing. Boys are just as bad as girls, except that boys tend to get over it faster and be friends again sooner. One of my complaints with schools today is that they emphasize how everyone should be included and no one left out, we're all one happy family, etc etc etc. That's not true or realistic. There WILL be people in life who won't like your kid, and there will be people they don't like. We need to equip them with the skills to be kind, but not force them to be 'friends'. Your son will be better served by you teaching him how to fight his own battles then by fighting them for him. If he has problems with this boy teach him to stay away from him or stand up to him.

I would not talk to the other mother. The kids are two grades apart, the amount of contact they will have should be minimal. The best it could do is make you feel better, the worst is that she punishes her son and he retaliates against yours. I would let it go.

By the way, you only know one side. There is a little girl that I know thinks my daughter is mean. She is 2 years younger and pestered my daughter horribly (their brothers were on the same sports team) to the point that my daughter didn't want to go to the games because this little girl would be there. The parents were clueless, she was occupied so they were happy. I had to tell dd to nicely explain to the little girl that she didn't want to play. I'm sure the situation from their point of view looked like my dd was being mean, but she wasn't, she just didn't want to be this kid's friend - and that's ok.

If my child wasn't in danger, I would have stayed out of it and let her deal with it herself.
Kids need to learn to fight their own battles.
By the time they're in elementary school, kids should be able to tell other kids to back the hell off.

I want to thank you for posting this because I have often wondered about this at playgrounds. If a child is acting crazy and the mom is close by but not right next to the kid and she doesn't do anything then what is my responsibility. I don't want to be out of line but I also think that if the mom is not paying attention then in a nice but stern way, we can call attention to the child's behavior. Even if the other mom has a point (there are always two sides to a story) what you did is not discipline and her tone is rude and condescending.

I do not think you were wrong. I would have done the same thing. I would have gone as far as to get the parents attention. Either they do not know what there child is doing, or they are teaching it themselves. I always remind my children, treat people how you want to be treated. I always use the way my children treat each other, so they can see how being nice and sharing is a better way of living.

Oh I've done it and probably do it again if I needed. Most of the time that's why they do it, nobody including their parents call them out for it.
C.

There are a lot of things you left out. How old is your son and how much older was the group he tried to sit with, for example? There is a fine line between protecting your child and fighting their battles for them.

I'm not sure about whether you were right or wrong. You did what you thought was right at the time . The other Mom sounds like she would be someone to comment on anything and everything that other people do. Also, do you really want your son to be friends with a boy who currently isn't interested in spending time with him at all?

Happy,
No, and yes. No, it is not wrong to look out for your son, and yes, you need to focus on your own son vs someone else's child. You were not disciplining anyone, you were REQUESTING help.

of course, you don't list the ages of the children here, so that's not really a help. My advice is for someone with a child under 7; over 7 I have no experience with yet although I know how I would *try* I don't know how I would *do* becuase I am really not there yet. : )

Good luck,
M.

PS: look at what you consider 'discipline' and it may be *true* discipline. Your friend may punish, not discipline.

I agree with MamaR. If the older kid wasn't physically harming your son, I would have tried to stay out of it and later used it as an opportunity to talk to my kid (if he seemed bothered by it) that not everybody is nice all the time and not everyone is going to be a friend.

We had a similar situation this weekend at a bounce house, where my 4- year-old daughter befriended a 6-year-old. The older girl was nice at first, but then she wanted to play with her older friends. So she tried to run away, but my daughter kept chasing her and saying, "Friend! Wait!" I heard the older girl say, "Stop following me!!" It was a heartbreaking, but I intervened to redirect my child to play with someone else.

I'd try to be aware of myself and make sure I didn't explain away my child's behavior. But at the same time, people talk about 'it takes a village to raise a child...' - that means helping other children behave as they should.

You where correct to speak up, but the other mother was out of line. Of course that mother never saw you discipline your child, because there may have never been a need to in front of her. She's not with you 24+. Exclusion is a form of bullying. Anyone who thinks otherwise can look it up. I do notice an age difference of 2 years though, which doesn't matter if they are both in the same grade. If there is a 2 year grade difference, then you have an older kid that wants to be with their peers and feels he can't identify with a younger child. Even so, there are polite ways to get your son to sit with his own peers too. You may want to speak with the other parent to get rid of any bad feeling from what has happened, but do so when things are calmed down and in a neutral environment. You also might want to speak with your son about how sometimes older kids like to click together, and to find a group his own age he can join.

I'm still a little stuck on what the OTHER mother who wasn't the mother of the child said, seems a bit rude! LOL. I have disciplined other children - particularly once, but my son was only 3 and these boys were older and it was't until one of them actually pushed my son that I went over there and said "he's only 3, you should be ashamed and I said we don't put our hands on other children" I was FUMING...this was on the beach, where we live, meanwhile, the parents were quite a distance away and I noticed they had barely spoken to their children the whole day and ALL day I was bothered by their behavior in front of me...with that being said, you say things when you have to and times when you don't. In this case, I probably would have just kept quiet unless it got a bit more out of hand...but sometimes, kids are just left alone to do whatever they want and I'm not allowing another parents LACK of parenting get in the way of MINE.