Visitation Issues with Long Distance Army Dad

Hi J.,
If you'd like, I can fax my divorce decree to you and you can see what is typical to ask for.....it sounds like you're giving way too much time. Let me know and I can fax it or mail it to you. I suggest you ask for others too so you can see what other arrangements there are. If you do this long time arrangement like you have mentioned, it could screw with thier social calendars as they get older and the child will resent this. I have been divorced 8 years and we have been through mediation.

Good luck!

J. N
###-###-####

J.,
I need to start out my post by saying that I don't mean to offend you or any of the other women who have posted. I truly don't. And, my perspective comes from someone who has never been in your situation- so without the background I may be totally off base. But, here are my thoughts...
I don't blame you at all for feeling uneasy about having your duaghter away from you for such long periods of time- especially at such a young age. However, this is her dad- like it or not. I feel that it is your reponsibility to make sure she is confortable knowing and being with her dad. What I mean by that is you said that you thought it might cause her developmental delays since she doesn't even know her dad- it won't hurt her if you make it work. Now, I understand it is his reponsibility to call her, write her letters, see her, etc. (and it sounds like he needs to work on that based on the incidient in Florida where he let his wife control the situation) but you need to make sure she knows him too. My in laws live in Florida and my kids might have been insecure to be with them the twice a year that we see them if it weren't for us talking about grandma and grandpa, showing them pictures of grandma and grandpa, and including grandma and grandpa in their lives. Now, I understand it is much more complicated with an ex than in laws and you may not want to talk about him or encourage the relationship- but I feel it is your obligation to your daughter to do so. In the end, it will only hurt her if there isn't a strong connection between them- and I am sure that is the last thing you would ever intend to do is hurt her. Okay...I will get off my soapbox now- but I just really wanted to give another side to the situation. No offense meant.

K.

I am going this also with my so to be ex. His is supposed to get out of the Navy the middle of this month. My oldest son will turn 3 this coming Monday. He has no idea who is bio father is. My ex also wants to move to San Diego and has told me that his new girl and him have had some arguments about Alex. There is no way I am going to send my child out of state to a complete stranger. I am putting in my divorce decree that if he wants any visition they must be supervised and in MN only. My 3 year old is in Specail Education and is condiered non-verbal. SO I totally under stand what you are going through if you want to chat let me know.

Hey J. --
Can you get a guardian ad litem appointed to your daughter? (I think it's often paid for by the county... at least here in Wisconsin, I'm not sure about elsewhere) This is a lawyer who looks out for your daughter's best interest. This is not a mediator necessarily, because they can go against BOTH of the parents wishes, lol. But they can be really helpful in looking at the situation from your child's standpoint. I have a 9 mo. old and I can't imagine trying to send him somewhere else for months on end. I think he's being unrealistic (does he have any idea what it takes to raise a child?) and ridiculous. I really hope you two can come to some sort of conclusion. Good luck! I don't have any experience with this, but a very close friend is a lawyer who does a lot of guardian ad litem work. And be sure YOU get your own lawyer, too. I know it's expensive, but it's worth it when you think about your daughter's wellbeing.

I would say giving him 3 mos. in the summer and one over Christmas every other year...it too much.

She it too young to every understand why mommy is dropping her off with a stranger and just taking off...

I think more than anything this could result in very emotional issues for her. She could loose her trust for you as her mother protector, with a sense of abandonment. It is possible to do two weeks in the summer, but not three months. He hasn't even proven himself as a father yet to get that much visitation. His track record of holding a relationship doesn't bode well for him either.

I agree with the others who have said...be certain with your agreements, changing them isn't as EASY as it sounds. This is the rest of your daughters life...

Hi there,
I am almost in the exact same situation that you are in. I am a 21 year old single mom and my little girl's dad lives in California, too. He is engaged to another girl that is very insecure about our relationship and has made it a little difficult for him to come out and see our daughter or talk to her on the phone. I thought at first that I really didn't want him to be a part of our lives because he is not an honest person and I thought it would just be too much to handle, but I have realized that it is very important for him to be a part of her life. She has only met him 2 times in her life and she is going to be 2 on June 21. He has and order that he can fly out here to see her once a month, but he has only come once since that order was put in place over a year ago. We are going to fly out there to see him in August for a weekend and he is going to pay for our plane tickets and I will be staying at his mom's house out there. I think that you should try to see if maybe you could fly out there with her when she is still so small.. She isn't going to even realize that she doesn't have a dad around until about 18 months.. that's when my daughter started to really be interested in everyone else's "daddies". It might make a difference if you would show him pictures or something on a daily basis, but if you don't keep it up, I really don't think it would do that much good because she just won't remember. I think you should definitely try though! It will make all of the difference in the world when she does go to see him if she is familiar with his face. I think that you should try to make him see that it isn't realistic that she goes to spend such a great amount of time with him until she is older and more independent. Maybe you could go for the first few days and ease her into the transition and then leave or something like that. It is hard with the situation with his girlfriend. It is a hard situation for her to be in too. I have wanted to say something about it to my ex because I think that our daughter should be way more important to him than her, but I have kept my mouth shut because it is up to him to decide. I hope that helps a little bit and if you are wondering about anything else, please send me a message and I would love to help!
M.

J.,
I completely agree with the other moms. I was divorced when my son was 3 and my ex had limited visitation for many reasons but at one point we used a mediator and it was horrible. Everyone goes into the mediation with a goal in mind, you want something, your ex wants something and the mediator's has his/her own goal to reach an agreement in the room, no matter if that's a resonable agreement or not. The goal of the mediator does not have your child's best interest's at heart and will not be advocating for her. My very strong advice is to get a lawyer and get one now.

The moms who mentioned that once it's in writing it's tough to change it are also dead on. Your ex may fight you every inch of the way and his wife will be there cheering him on. I would also make sure that it's clear in your agreement that the visitaion is with her father, not his wife. If she's there for a month and he's off at work, guess who she's spending all her days with?

Mom, you are the buffer between your daughter and the rest of the world, stick with your mother's intuition, advocate for your daughter and surround yourself with patient, understanding and supportive people. You can make it through this. If you need resources, email me and I'll see what I can help you find.

By the way, my son is now 14, our custody agreement works and my son is a happy, healthy and successful young man.

I agree with Kelly, be very,very careful when it comes to working with Mediators...One got me to comprimise with my ex on something, saying we could try it out for a couple weeks to see if it would work, saying I could change it back if it didn't. Well, long story short, It didn't work out and I wanted to change it back. But, because my ex didn't want it changed, and we couldn't reach an agreement, I am now stuck with the comprimise until I can afford to take it to court...In other words, you can get screwed being nice, so be very careful.
Now, to deal with your question...I think that your DD is much too young to be gone for so long, exp. with someone she hardly knows (and who hardly knows her). That arrangement should work out fine when she is school-aged, but not until then.
And it also sounds like, sooner or later, your ex is going to have to choose between your DD and his GF...If she continues to act the way she has been, and he continues to let her have her way.

Good luck and congrads on having such a sweet little girl!
D.

I would think that your daughter to too young to be away from you that long period of time. I have been dealing with custody/visitation issues with my daughter for that past 9yrs. Although her father lives 15 miles from us.

I would get some advice from a lawyer. I couldn't stand working with any of our mediators. They don't seem to see things from our view. Just keep in mind, once it is in writing, it is alot harder to change things.

Good luck!

First of all, your on the right track to making sure he is able to see her. As long as you keep trying the courts will look favorably on you. If the wife is not comfortable with the situation then it's time for a talk between the two of you. Regardless of how you two feel about each other, it's what's best for the kids that matter. (I'm in the same situation. I lived with a guy for six months, found out I was pregnant, then he told me he was married. Next time I'll ask to personnally see the divorce degree in black and white.) Not sure if this is the same for you, but I finally had to have a talk with the wife myself. He was not happy at all, but the truth finally came out. He lied to both of us! It's not her fault, nor mine. So we called a truce and have decided to do what's best for the kids. After all, they are half-brother/sisters. It's not the childrens fault. If reasoning with the wife don't work, then make the best effort possible to make sure that he gets to see her. Don't forget to invite her along. Leaving her out, or not wanting her around will only intensify the uncomfortable situation. Make her feel welcome as much as possible. The less friction the better, and the more you look like the better person. The three of you may not like each other anymore, but the best example to set in front of everybody is to play nicy nice for the kids. I grew up hating my parents for fighting over us, saying mean things, arguing, etc. I won't do that to my kids. Nor in front of them. I hope this helps.

K.

When I was divorced my son was 3 yrs old, now he is 15. I was told that courts don't usually give fathers extended visitation at that young of an age. It is not in the best interists of the child. When they reach a certain age it changes, but if there is no relationship it jsut doesn't make sense to me. In my case I stood up for what I felt was good for my son, and won.

Hi J.,

I don't have experience with a mediator (I went through a lawyer whose specialty is family law and my son's father and I agreed not to set up formal visitation--we work out each visit on a case-by-case basis), but my son's father is also in the military, stationed in another state. My son is now 5-1/2 and just got back from a 13-day visit with his dad--his longest visit yet. We're planning on increasing the length of his visits as he gets older, so he'll probably eventually be spending a month or so at a time with his dad.

What your daughter's father is asking of you, and of his child, seems like too much for her age. It's great that he wants to see her, but if he really has her best interest in mind, he needs to be sensitive to her developmental needs, which are, right now, stability with her primary caregiver (you). Especially with his wife's insecurities (and thus, his potential inconsistency in seeing his daughter), would you consider working out a more informal visitation arrangement (like, he can see her for reasonable lengths of time at your discrepancy)?

Good luck--this is a tough situation, but certainly not one that you're alone in!

First off, there are parenting consultants who are different from mediators.
Secondally, the times are changing and with new laws and rulings from judges he will be lucky to get a week alone with her at this age.
Do research!
Check with different lawyers, mediators, parenting consultants and also check with Chrysalis Center, they are a great source of information. Most of their advice is free, they do ask for a minimum donation of $20.00 or at least when I last went there. The number is ###-###-####.

Do take the future into consideration, I tried to do that and basically got told by my lawyer at the time that it didn't matter since she was only 9 months old during this.

I just got done with court and doing a modification and the costs has been over $15,000. Luckily my parents were willing to put out the money for this otherwise I would still be fighting with him and his wife.

My best advice is do research. It does vary from state to state as far as laws and rulings regarding visitation. You should also look up Terri Romanoff-Newman, she is a parenting consultant in MN.

Good luck J., it will be hard but worth it to do it as close to right as you can now, rather than later.