Upset About My Sister's Lack of Interest in a Baby Shower

I know it makes you sad and it's hard not to take things personally. It's probable that she's hormonal; possible that she's embarrassed by her size or whatever and wants the focus to be more on the bbq than the baby. Maybe call her back and ask her if she's ok - if there's anything you can do to help. Maybe she needs to cry, vent, whatever. You're upset because you care and that's ok :) hugs for being a super sis.

What you all are missing is they asked friends to come to a cookout to celebrate their pregnancy. It does not appear to me to be a shower. She invited people to a cookout no where in that invitation does it say shower. Bring the cake since you made it leave the rest behind for a later date.

" I know she is not into traditional anything especially showers especially for herself, but..." but it seems you want to get into this psuedo shower more then she does. Even though you are trying to do something really nice for her, it's not her thing. Call her and apologize for crossing the line.
Even though I am not traditional either, and I didn't want a baby shower, I still loved the diaper cake my SIL made me. It's sitting on my daughters dresser. So don't throw it away, ask if she would still like it, but not to display at the BBQ. It's great you want to do something nice, but if it's not what she wants you can't force her. Maybe find something she would appreciate and get involved with that. Good Luck! =)

I find it strange that you want to hijack your sisters baby shower. If you were the one throwing it I could see why you would be inventing games for it. However you are not throwing her a party. She is throwing herself a party so she should be able to throw whatever kind of party she desires without her sister trying to control everything. So I would let go of the notion of decorating and activities at her party. However bring the diaper cake. It is a nice gift and she herself said they were celebrating the baby coming that is an appropriate thing to have even untraditional baby shower...after all the baby will have to poop and she'll be needing those diapers!

If your sister is not traditional then you should not be surprised that she does not want the traditional baby shower. Perhaps she just wants to have her family and friends around to have a fun BBQ and celebrate the baby. Take comfort in the fact that she planned an event for the baby, even if it's not the traditional "baby shower". I would hold on to your diaper cake and give it to her another time. I am sure she will appreciate the diaper cake if you don't force it on her as a baby shower gift. Bring the cake in your vehicle to the BBQ but do not show or give it to her unless she asks. I can understand your upset because she is your sister and you are happy for her and her soon to be addition. You are sad/emotional because you want to do the traditional baby shower things for her and I can understand that. Let her do things her way and she will appreciate you and the things you do for her much more.

I think it is about comfort zones. For you, the traditional shower with games is nice and you want to share that experience with your sister. For her, she is trying to both address the fact that a major life change is going to take place for her and her husband AND honor this event in a way that she feels comfortable. Text, email, or call her and let her know you would like to bring the diaper cake as a gift. Ask her to look at it as creative wrapping (after all it is made of usable baby items) and tell her making it was your way of expressing joy for this special time. You could also say you realize that she wants the BBQ to be a relaxed couples event and that you underdstand that and will respect that, but you were just trying to celebrate this baby. Tell her you don't want her to regret the gathering and that you respect how she wants to celebrate her pregnancy. Ask her how you could help. If you say this and mean it, you are validating her feelings and your own as well. Good luck!

Bring the diaper cake. Even if she doesn't want a traditional shower, she will still appreciate the gift and the time and effort you put into it.

Scrap the games though and don't make it shower-like at all. Some people just aren't into showers. I am one of them. I hate going to baby showers and did not have one when my son was born. Instead, one of my friends invited about 10 people over to her house, we ate, they drank, and we all just hung out and chatted. No one brought gifts, except for a close friend who'd come from out of town. It was a perfect way for me to celebrate and spend time with my friends before the baby came along.

It's actually very popular right now for pregnant women to have non-baby themed get togethers such as bbq's that involve both men and women, instead of the traditional cutesy baby shower.

The whole baby shower games thing is not desirable for many people... especially if couples are going to be there.

Don't take it personal, just saying that if I had something easy going planned like a bbq, and someone came to be with baby shower party games and party ideas, I would be gracious at the thought but would dismiss it. Just remember that both of your ideas about this are different. Give her the diaper cake as a gift, but don't expect it to be the centerpiece.

Try not to take it personally. Perhaps your sister is embarrassed at her extreme lapse of manners when she invited people to her own shower and told them where to get her gifts and now wishes she could take it back. Really, I am sure someone has pointed it out to her that you don't give yourself a shower. I imagine she got mad at her friend bc she is mortified that she sent the invitations. Really, try not to take it personally!

Perhaps she was hoping her sister or her friends would throw her a shower and is feeling upset about it. She's pregnant, there are hormones taking over her brain! :) Cut her some slack. Give her the present once the baby arrives and really just let it go. Absolutely don't throw it in the trash. She will appreciate it once she is over her anger/embarassment (I'm sure at herself) .

I agree she could have explained her feelings to you without getting so upset, but....boy do I remember going off the deep end over some minor things when I was pregnant! Oh, I get embarassed just thinking about how hormonal I was!

Just my guess, but I'm thinking she may have gotten influenced or flat out pushed to put the registry info on the bottom and against her better judgement those invitations went out and she's been upset about it ever since. I had the same thing happen with my wedding. I wanted it a certain way and in an effort to appease others I added a few things that at the time seemed like no big deal but even now when I think back to those things it makes me mad that they were included when I didn't want them.

Honestly, if I were you I'd call your sister and apologize for upsetting her.

Good luck,
K.

I would agree with most of the responses here that this was just a low-key celebration and not a "shower" in the traditional sense. Please respect what your sister wants to do. I personally hated the thought of having any type of traditional bridal or baby shower for myself yet suffered through two bridal showers and absolutely refused any baby shower. Please don't take your sister's response personally (and I don't believe it has anything to do with hormones), it's not about what you want, it's about what she wants. If you are aware that she doesn't like traditional showers, then please stop trying to push her to have one. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment and think about how she might feel with all the pressure to make the BBQ a "shower". Understandably, she is upset. I'd call her and apologize for trying to push the BBQ in another direction. I'd bet that she'd feel relieved that someone understands and respects what she wants. It's a very difficult time right now as her life is going to change dramatically in the coming months and she really doesn't need anymore added stress. Your heart is in the right place and I know everything will work out just fine.

Your intention was good, and that's what matters. Unfortunately in these cases, we must honor our pregnant loved ones, no matter how confusing or contradictory or hormone-laden their messages are.

You tried. And learned that next time, just ask her, "how can I help?" and be open.

I wish I had a sister like you!!!

She may just be hormonal. Pregnancy does that to some women. Our moods change like thunderstorms. Don't scrap it. Wait and see how her mood is on that day. You could always give it to her outside of the party instead of using it at the party. You may try to calmly ask her what her fears or worries are about the party and talk her through it. She may just be feeling tired, swollen, and uncomfortable and just doesn't want to face anyone feeling that way.

I think you already know the answer to your question...you are trying to make your sister want what YOU want instead of adjusting your thoughts and feelings to what she wants in what is, afterall, HER party and HER baby!! Reverse the situation and I think it will suddenly become as clear as can be!!! What is you were the one who was pregnant and had planned a typical baby shower, fun games, fanchy decorations and she suddenly decided she was going to move it out into the back yard, add barbeque, and MEN, and didn't want to play any of your games?
Back off...in fact I think maybe you should call her, or write her and apologize for hijacking her party...then go to her bbq and help her celebrate in the way that she wants to.
I don't mean for this to sound harsh...I know that you are a great sister and just want to share your excitement Maybe you could have some fun, satisfy your desire for a Traditional Baby Shower and get to spend some time together....have a family get together ( keep it small!!!!) use your diaper cake as the center piece...and suggest that the other folks that will be there bring a gift to her to help celebrate the new addition to the family. But warn her in advance...don't just spring it on her...remember those hormones!!!

How thoughtful of you to go through the whole process of making a diaper cake. Those take forever! It sounds to me like your sister really doesn't want a shower right now. She just wants to have a get together with some friends. Is she in the early stages of pregnancy? It sounds like it as she sent the invitation saying they are expecting.

I wouldn't throw the diaper cake out or take it apart or anything like that. But, maybe hold onto it for a bit and give it to her when she is a little further along in her pregnancy. Or save it in the event that she does have a real shower.

Some people just don't feel the same way about things. Me - I love showers I think they are fun and I love to help plan. My best friend - NO WAY! She could care less about a shower and if I planned one for her or tried to make a get together into a shower...she would be soooo ticked off at me. I guess I'm trying to say that it is sweet of you to try and do something for her, but it appears as though she really doesn't want it.

At 8 mo's pregnant it sounds like no one else was doing anything for her so she probably felt she had to do something herself. I know when you first get pregnant your sisters/friends start planning the shower. Maybe everyone thought someone else was doing it? It's not "proper" etiquitte to give yourself a shower so that's why she is probably downplaying it and saying it's just a bbq. Just go, take the diapers, support her and have fun. Good luck.

People don't throw themselves a baby shower - it's always given by someone else. That makes the requests for gifts NOT seem selfish. Also, showers are usually given much later in the pregnancy, when the risk factor of miscarriage is gone and the mom (or couple) is really in need to supplies. The mistake she made was putting registry info at the end of the invitation, which is what she regrets.

It sounds like you got so excited that you jumped into the planning part without consulting her. You not only figured out a gift, you started looking into games and decorations - which kind of took over the hosting role from her. Though you did not intend it this way, she may feel it puts more focus on you and your creative/organizing ideas, and less on her. This also compounded her embarrassment about appearing to request/expect gifts.

I think you should put your cute diaper cake in the closet and wait until she is 7-8 months along. Then YOU plan a shower (with her consent) or work with another friend - see how your sister and brother-in-law feel about a coed shower or a women-only shower. She may feel very differently when things are getting closer and she is more used to being pregnant.

If she doesn't, you can give her the diaper cake as your gift. For now, just go to the BBQ as a celebration and don't bring a gift. It's very early, and no one will question that her own sister isn't bringing something. Bring a "congrats" card and that's it. Be excited and happy for her - this is THEIR celebration and not something for anyone else to take over.

I think you are overly upset because you really are excited for her (a good thing) and you want to exercise your creativity (a good thing) but you know you kind of took over here (a bad thing) and you are conflicted. Swallow your pride, suppress your own emotions, focus on HER right now, and let the BBQ be THEIR day. Just let everyone know how thrilled you are for your sister, how exciting it is for your entire family, and let the hurt feelings slide away. There is plenty of time for emotion later on!

I'm not girly. MOST of my friends are guys or couples where the female part of the couple is also pretty adventurous/not-girly. So I did something similar to your sister. Hosted a potluck. Which got hijacked by my mom and my sister who "girlie-fied" it.

I was mortified, and each and every single one of my guy friends was embarrassed, both for themselves, and for me... while my girlfriends were downright pissed. (Seriously, my mum wanted people to MEASURE my belly. I had doubled my weight!!! WHY would she do such a thing??? Yes. Lets highlight that her super skinny daughter is now a mammoth. Lets NOT.)

So my causual preggers party / baby shower split. All of my friends hung out out back, having a great time, while I was stuck inside being measured and giggled over. I was raised never to cause a scene, and although I outgrew that a millenia ago, I was so shocked, I reverted to my childhood training... got home... and cried for almost 3 days straight (hormones, I blame the hormones).

The thing is... I KNEW my mum and sister were just trying to be nice and make something special for me... but it was the exact opposite of what *I* wanted or would have made me feel special.

To know though... I not only would have loved a diaper cake, but I've made several for friends.

My rather strong suspicion is that the cake + games + decorations was just waaaay to overwhelming for your sister and she panicked. (<laughing> Like I would have if anyone had clued me in advance what was happening... All I got was "Are you SURE you want men at the party?" Which baffled me.)

Did anyone try to throw her a shower? Maybe thats why she's upset? I don't know if its first child, so maybe that wasnt appropriate, but it's hard to figure out why else she'd be so upset. Aside from being pregnant and emotional lol. Alot of us say and do things we're embarassed about while we're pregnant, and never fully understand why we acted that way or said anything. try to bite your tongue. I would bring the diaper cake, you put alot of time into it. I'd imagine there is another reason for her sour attitude. Just try to bare with her, and not take it personal. Hopefully after the baby is born, her gratitude will return?

I am a lot like you and would have insisted on a baby shower. If she is having a party and putting where she is registered for her baby, what else is this supposed to be but a baby shower? I think she has gone off her rocker. Maybe she didn't realize it, but if you have a party and invite people and tell them where you have made a list of the things you want - DUH! It is a party!! I dont understand why that is not 100% clear to her or anyone reading it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Keep the diaper cake and give it to her later if you want to. I would be as upset as you. Keep your head up though, it will blow over.

Don't throw it away, why dont you wait and bring it to hospital. I had a coworker make one for me and she attachted pacifiers, socks, medicine droppers, etc. It was cute and helpful!
She is probably feeling like a jerk for blatantly asking for gifts but she just has to move on because she can't take back the invitations. As a future auntie, the best thing you can do is be supportive and go with the flow. Do you think she wants you to throw a traditional shower for her? Is that why she is mad and felt the need to throw a bbq requesting baby gifts?

OK...while I am a believer in "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..." it seems that she's not into all the "planned shower activities.

BUT, I think she still wants to keep it low-key. Take the diaper cake (after all the registry was a suggestion--not all "shower" attendees shop from the registry, right?), eat the BBQ and have fun.

p.s. I feel it is in extremely poor taste to host a party, provide registry info then act like it's not a shower! It's in poor taste to throw a shower for yourself period.

I do think your heart is in the right place. And unlike my sister who didn't come to my shower and could have cared less about it, you should be commended for wanting to make this a celebration of the arrival of her wee one.

I think the diaper cake can wait til a more appropriate time. Like when the baby is here or when a "proper" shower can be thrown. I think that you got overly excited about making this a celebration and that doesn't make you a bad person. And it doesn't mean you commandeered her bbq, but may be a little over zealous to an already hormonal woman.

So I vote dry your tears. Shelf the diaper cake for now. Apologize to her for assuming it was a shower and that you meant no harm (for no other reason than to make amends to someone who may not be thinking clearly at the moment). And go to the bbq and not mention it again.

You are a good sister...I can tell. Your timing was just a bit off. :)

Sending good thoughts your way.

It sounds like you are upset because you were looking forward to a traditional baby shower. Maybe you even wanted your sister to ask you to plan or host it, which would have been really fun for you. Now, you are disappointed that she doesn't want the same thing. It's too bad, but you do have to respect her wishes. She doesn't want a big deal made about it, but instead wants a BBQ. Decide what you want to do about bringing the diaper cake - you can always give it to her another time in private.

Everyone loves a baby shower. EXCEPT people who don't want one. If she doesn't want one, then don't make it one. It sounds like she wanted a simple celebration with friends and family that was low key, and now regrets the invites only because others are making it into something she did not want. You could bring the diaper cake as your gift, but leave the decorations and games behind. If she's anything like me, that's the part she's trying to avoid. HTH.

You are very happy about the upcoming birth and wanted to show your sister how much you care so you thought that planning some games to go along with the BBQ would be great. Sister said no and your feelings were hurt understandly.

In today's world many people do not want the traditional shower and especially the games. I have watched many people play them because they had to but would rather have not. They would have liked to have had the punch and just visited - open the gifts later at home and send us a card.

So the lesson(s) to be learned are that you ask if there is another theme to the party, if it is a gathering to just celebrate or your leave it alone and just attend without offending.

I didn't want a baby shower and expressed my wishes but was forced to attend one (long story) so she is a few steps ahead and said no.

Go to the BBQ and leave the cake home for another time after the birth. Talk to her and apologize for trying to turn her day into something else. Enjoy the fun. The other S.

I second a lot of the other suggestions that say give her the diaper cake later. You spent a lot of time on it and she will probably really appreciate all the time you spent on making something for her at a later time (like maybe take it to the hospital when you visit her). It just sounds like she did not want the traditional shower of women’s oooh’s and “aww’s” as she opened up onesies. She probably thought she wanted to celebrate the arrival under the disguise of a casual BBQ that both men and women could attend so it would feel more like a party than a shower. AND let's face it, she wanted the gifts. I feel bad that she threw this for herself. Clearly, you seem the type that would have happily thrown a shower for your sister. Maybe she thought that no one else would throw her the type of shower she wanted/one that was this casual/non-shower like. I agree with previous posters who said she is probably feeling a bit defensive now that you and others called it like you saw it, “a shower.” Everyone knows how so many people look down at you for throwing a shower for yourself. I see their point, but so many people I know use loop holes. I know so many women that planned their whole shower (bridal or baby)...but their mom or friend sent out the invites and had it at their homes or another location and then it became someone else throwing the shower and is somehow completely acceptable. In one scenario you are are asking people to bring you gifts. In another, your mom, sister or friend is asking people to bring gifts to you. For some reason, people think the later is completely acceptable while the first is completely tacky. I don’t see that extreme of a difference between the two. I chose not to have showers but I have thrown and attended a ton of them. Everyone is entitled to their own choice/what makes them feel comfortable. Don't feel too bad about this, she was probably embarrassed and upset and unjustly took it out on you. Let her slide on this since she is pregnant and hormonal. You sound like a very nice sister.