Disrespectful Mother in Law

I think she means that come November, it will be a full five years that she's been dealing with her MIL.

Here's my opinion - those are YOUR kids. NOT hers. It is not her place AT ALL to make comments or be judgmental of you in front of you. I can relate. My MIL clearly disagrees with some things that I do. It has made me feel on the spot at times, and it definitely gets irritating.

When my MIL makes comments, I comment back. For example, if she were to tell me that I"m starving my baby, I'd tell her exactly what you told us.

There's been times that my MIL is trying to hold one of my kids, and if my child is visibly upset, I"ll take my child back (usually this applies to my babies...and my MIL does NOTHING to try to calm my baby. She just sits there doing nothing with the child on her lap, letting him/her scream, so I'll smile and take baby back). Anyway, there's been times my MIL won't let go of my child, and I'll have to pull the baby out of her arms. Those times I haven't said anything, but in the future, I will.

But there have been times she'll make little comments like "Well, I wanted her to get used to me holding her." Letting me know she doesn't agree with me taking my baby back. I just say, "I understand, but if my baby is crying and not settling, I'm going to take him/her back."

I don't let her view of how I should parent disrupt how I parent. I have confronted my MIL about things. She's an avoider when it comes to working out problems (self-admittedly). She will cause huge problems, and then refuses to apologize or work on things. She will only play victim all the time. She drives me crazy. I know I"m probably sounding mean, but I have tried SO HARD with my MIL. She is very hard to get along with with several people.

You could also confront her straight on about it. If she says something again, bring it up to her and tell her how you feel. She might not realize she's doing it to you?

3 moms found this helpful

Totally been there - it sucks! I am so sorry!! I let a lot of stuff roll off my back but when things get to be too much, Hubby steps in to tell her she has crossed the line. We tend to play 'good cop/bad cop' with MIL. I am good cop and he is bad cop. And with my family, I am bad cop and he is good cop. Good luck!!

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My mil was the queen of offering useless information and advice on how to raise my children. I smiled, nodded, and disregarded everything she said. When she talked about me behind my back I didn't pay any attention to it. She was just a miserable person and I decided early on to take the high road and let it roll off my back.

In the future I'd suggest not consulting your mil when it comes to your children. It's her job to be the grandma and yours to be their mommy. You get to make the decisions with your hubby and what your mil thinks really doesn't come into play.

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How do you know she's making snide comments to others?
If she's doing it within earshot why don't you just say, wow mom that really hurts my feelings? Then follow up with a conversation about how she's making you feel.
If she's not doing it within earshot then how do you know what she's saying?
Either way, she may just be a blunt, opinionated woman and you will need to learn how to NOT take her opinions too seriously (I've got a few like that in my family!) You will find that as you mature as a mother you will get more secure in yourself and you won't be nearly so sensitive to others' criticisms of your parenting :)

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I'd tell my husband to handle it. If it continues, I'd ask her, in a public setting for all to hear, "Please stop. Your comments are extremely disrespectful and I don't want to hear them anymore". That should stop it.

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Do you mean you will have to start dealing with her for 5 years once November gets here, or you have ALREADY been dealing with her for 5 years? Does she take care of your kids? Why does she know everything you do with them? Does she live with you? Near you?

Please, update your post and give us more information.

D.

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I'm with Dawn - I'm a tad confused.......

If she makes snide comments to other people while you are in the room - then you need to defend yourself and your baby...

Your husband SHOULD be dealing with HIS mom and telling her to back off...

Ask her if it would help her to know you are not starving your 5 month old if she went to the next well child check up? That would put her on the spot to put up or shut up.

Remember - you are teaching your children how to respect their elders in dealing with her....so watch what you do...your children will mimic you...

If you gave us more information - it would be easier to help!

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Well it really sucks, but honestly, I'm not sure there is anything you can do. What does your husband say? You could have him try talking to her and just basically tell her to lay off. Other than that try and be around her as infrequently as possible and when you do have to then prepare yourself mentally beforehand! Maybe you could try having hubby take the kids to her house and be with her there for a few times. I know all this is easier said than done, but hang in there. hugs!

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Wow, the moms on here are so nice. I handled this issue very differently. While I never had to deal with the ex's family, my own mother tried this with me, and one day I just told her "You raised your kids the way you saw fit, and I will do the same with mine, and if you have a problem with that, then you will not be involved. Ever". It took one week of her not seeing my daughter to get the point across to her that I would not be bullied by her. In your case, however your husband should be involved in this issue. Until one or both of you put her in her place she will continue to behave this way. I have always found that people will treat others the way that others allows them to. Demand respect and you will get it. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

This reminds me of that show Everyone Loves Raymond.. sorry but this is so typical. We love our children and our children are part of you and your husband. so understand this, your husband is part of his parents. mother in laws/the grandparents are seeing their baby have babies. Just looking at this as the glass half full instead of half empty. Mark my words, you will do the same thing to your own grandchildren someday. Yes, they have raised kids and went through many experiences too. At some point you will hear and need her advise. I am sure it is just her ways and she is set in them, she just wants to be part of the whole thing. She may long for what you have. This things do cross our minds as we age and that time has passed us. Maybe it is something she would have done differently. No mater what you need to respect her, she is the Monrach of the family. You dont have to agree with what she says or does, just respect her. She does know a lot if she has raised 3 kids and someday you too will feel the same. She has knowledge that you cant not possibly have right now, but you will gain as your children age. Weather you believe it or not, she is more than likely doing it to your BIL and his future wife. It's what grandparents do best. I am sure you are doing a great job with your children, maybe grandma just wants to let people know what she would do because she does not feel part of it all. Remember you are now taking care of her son (her baby boy) and his babies, she may feel left out. Try to keep the peace, and if whatever she is saying behind your back it's only because it may make her feel part of rearing the kids. Just let it all roll off your back. You will do things your way and she will always have something to say about it. Head up young person. You are mom and she is grandma. Good Luck...

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I found it funny that my ex mother in law said everything I did with my two oldest was wrong.....right up until one of her daughters had kids and did the same thing. All of a sudden they were brilliant ideas....whatever!

Ya know it taught me what I don't want to be in a mother or mother in law.

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How does she know all your business? And how do you know she's talking about you? I saw a mention of her talking about you while you're in the room, but it looks like that's not in your post? I'm confused. If someone were talking about me, in my presence, I would absolutely call them out.

Sounds like someone's going to need to say something to her, in order for this situation to get better. Maybe knowing that she's being insulting & hurtful will make her change. I, personally, think your DH should be defending you & backing you up, but it sounds like he's burying his head in the sand. DH never would've let his mom talk about me like that. If he doesn't want to say anything, then you need to. If you don't to, then you're going to have to limit visits, keep your space, and accept her behavior.

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oh wow, that super sucks. my own MIL is old school european so she has many ingrained momma myths and ways of doing things. as well as my FIL, but not to this degree. I agree that you should have hubby take her down a notch or two. Or I would even just call her out in front of everyone, ask her why she thinks you are starving you child? doesnt she know that overweight "chunky" babies arent always so healthy and can have issues with diabetes and obesity later? Maybe take her to a lunch and try to be polite about things, first, and just ask her why she is talking so bad about you. if things dont get better by that then just get rude right back to her. we had to hurt my FIL feelings a few times when our oldest was a baby. he tried to give him potato chips when he was about a year old. we had told him no to because he would choke, he was born with cleft lip and palate and had a hard time adjusting to solids so he would choke very easily when he was littler. he got so mad, he thought we were being mean, he eventually got over it and learned that we are the parents so we make the rules. they still treat him like a baby, he is 2 1/2, they dont let him feed himself when he is at there house, wont let him wipe his own face or blow his own nose, which he does just fine at home. I hope things get better.

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Been there and STILL struggling, My husband and I have been married for 13 years! I know how annoying it can be but I learned that if you juts look at them and just smile that it annoys them! lol, and just agree with her and say "a-huh" I did that one time-even when my mil said that I also was starving my son to my hubby's relatives right infront of me!- I told her "no, he just take's after his mommy, thin and tall no matter what he eat's" I swear that literally shut her up! I won't take it to the point where I'll argue with her or fight with her only because it's still my hubby's mother and the grandmother of our children so I just suck it up! But sometime's I wonder if my MIL is Bi-Polar? One minute she "adores" me then the next "i'm all wrong to her"? It's very confusing but I got use to it so I just let it go...The weird thing is that I have never built up any hatred against her, I just may not like her sometimes...LOL...But I hear you!

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File all of this away in the back of your mind and when YOU are a MIL...bring it all back out and use it as a model of what you DON"T want to do as a MIL!! You are not going to change her...the only thing you can change is how your react to her. Just let it go in one ear and out the other...so what if she thinks the grandbaby is thin...YOU know it isn't true. I had a Mom who attempted to micro-manage everything I did with my children...luckily, we didn't live too close so it was not a daily battle that i had to fight. But it taught me that I am NOT going to interfere with my own daughters now that they are grown and raising their own families.
They do things differently than I did when I was raising them, but I can see the wisdom behind the path they have chosen, I know it is being done out of love, and some of it I wish I had been smart enough to do when they were little!
I guess what I am saying is that the only way to get her off of your back is to just love her for who she is...(after all she did manage to raise your husband and turn him into a man that you love and care for...right??) and just ignore the other troubling little things.

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I would get a note from the pedi! It would take the office a minute to do, include percentiles and his weight/height. I would get it notorized and everything :) I would be so excited to present her with the certificate of "I'm not starving my child certificate". Sarcasm is my strong suit, especially when faced with someone being critical of my parenting skills :) On some level she may actually be worried, and having the reassurance from your pedi may help allay her fears

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Remember why people criticize others: it's insecurity, it's a way to make them feel better about themselves. Deep down your MIL either feels you don't like her or you're a better mother than she was (or both). Maybe she used formula and you breastfeed so she feels better saying you're starving your baby because she cant handle entertaining the thought that maybe breastfeeding is better. Be the better person. the more you are a great daughter in law the more crazy she looks for bad mouthing you and the less people will pay attention to what she says. Roll your eyes and smile at her crazy accusations, she will look bad not you. Ask your hubby if she has always been like this, because if it is a personality change it could indicate alzheimers or something and he should be concerned!

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I would have your husband speak to his mother. His job is to protect and defend his family....you and your children are his family...so he should defend you against anyone who comes attacking.

What if you responded with something like 'I was a bit concerned about that too (even if you weren't) so I spoke with dr and was reassured that baby is growing normally, and then start an upbeat discussion of the many benefits of breastfeeding. Share with her your plans for introducing regular food in the future, ask her opinion, how she did it with her kids, etc. Help her feel important by including her, even if you just smile and nod at her ideas. I know you said you've tried listening to her, but sometimes acceptance takes time. She is family, your husbands mother, your children's grandmother. Counting the years that you have put up with her is a negative way to view her and will eat away at you, as all negative thoughts will. Take a deep breath (or 2 or 3), continue to raise your family in the ways that work best for you and your family. It's true that you can never please everybody. Focus on being happy with your husband and kids and it will become easier to let other peoples differing opinions roll right off you. Good luck!

Since she's not addressing you directly, IGNORE HER!!!!!!! Vent privately, never let the others know how bothered you are by her rudeness. However, if and when the opportunity presents itself to tell her exactly how SHE MAKES YOU FEEL, don't hesitate and don't mince words either. MILs ugh!!!!!!! I stopped dealing with my ex-mil many moons ago with no regrets. She was a troublemaker!!!!!

Who cares if they've raised their children. Big deal!

I would just decide to stop asking her advice and ignore her when she makes her remarks. She is probably just very opinionated and I doubt you are going to be able to change her at this point. And if your BIL and his fiance have only had their baby for a month - give it time. Your husband needs to step up a little and just reassure her that baby is fine when she is getting overly critical toward you. I am sure that nobody agrees with her when she is making her snide comments and they probably think she's just as annoying as you think she is. And there's always the option of just saying, "Thanks for your concern, I think we are doing just fine." and repeating as necessary.

But really - get hubby to start sticking up for you, she's HIS mother.