Tyrant Toddler Issues

There have been a LOT of studies about how supplements and lack of sleep due to food allergies affect behavior. Start there. If that doesnt halp consider a book called "The Love Languages of Children." Really awesome book.

Whatever you do don't start labeling his personality just yet. Think about it, as adults what gets us cranky and out of sorts--what gets a baby cranky and out of sorts? Sleep, allergies, headaches, hunger....and then not feeling like we're being understood.

What's cool about the Love Languages book is that it shows how two kids in the same family with the same support system can come out with one feeling supported and the other not.
S

I have been having issues with a little tyrant of my own. I started "1, 2, 3 Magic" and started to see results right away. The key is to be tough, tough, tough! Remember you are the boss, and the adult. http://www.parentmagic.com/ Good luck and remember, you are not alone.

I think it's hard to assess the real problem without a lot more information. Others have suspected it could be an attention problem or jealousy of the baby, which are certainly plausible. I also wonder whether there might be other issues, for example language. How is his speech and communication? My older son went through a phase (thankfully, it only lasted a couple of weeks) of terrible behavior, most notably including pushing other children for no reason, and I was advised that it was probably related to his delayed speech. When he was about 2 1/2, we saw a language explosion, and lo and behold, the bad behavior magically disappeared. It was just his pent-up frustration at not being able to say what he wanted.

I have no idea whether this is the issue with your son, but I just want to encourage you to search for other frustrations he might be experiencing if you don't think this is related to the baby. Even just understanding that my son was frustrated, although it didn't provide any solutions to the behavior problems, helped me to deal mentally and emotionally with all the pushing and tantrums.

Also, has your son always been this way? If so, it could be a personality issue or a result of something that you're inadvertently doing differently with him or -- more likely -- that he's responding to differently than your other children did and do. You also mentioned that he behaves when his dad is home. Why? If it's just the novelty of having dad around, then maybe there's nothing to learn from it, but maybe there is something that is different, either something his dad does or doesn't do or something that you and he together somehow do.

If your son has not always been this way, then maybe the clue to the behavior lies in the onset -- what changed around that time?

One thing I would definitely focus on (another mom mentioned this) is the no napping. I know every kid is different, and maybe some kids don't need naps, but I think the vast majority of 2-year-olds do need naps, or at least a rest of an hour or two. It might be that a little extra sleep will solve a lot of the problems. And, like the other mom said, YOU need the break. I've noticed that when I am frustrated with my older son (now 3 1/2) I am prone to focus on his negative behavior, and my harping only encourages him and makes it worse. If you're exhausted from all the battles and don't get a break, it will be harder for you to focus on whatever positive things your son does. So I would tell him that he must at least take a rest for an hour each day, even if he doesn't want to sleep. I don't know whether your home setup provides this option, but I actually still put my 3-1/2-year-old in a crib for naps, even though he has been sleeping in a toddler bed at night now for about a year and a half. My boys share a room, but at naptime I put the older one in the younger one's crib and put the younger one in a Pack 'n Play in our bedroom. We have a crib tent that prevents my older son from climbing out, and this way he must stay in his crib rather than playing with his toys, and most days he does nap for several hours. Sometimes he elects to just take a little rest, but at least he is actually resting and not playing. Naptime is not negotiable in our house, and it's always at around the same time (1:00). I don't try to decide whether anyone seems tired, and I don't accept any pleas from my kids that they aren't tired (they rarely argue about naps anyway; they know it won't do any good). I work part-time from home, and naptime is a key period for me to get work done, so I really NEED my kids to sleep, and to sleep simultaneously. A lot of my friends wonder how I can possibly get two children to sleep at the same time for 2-4 hours every single afternoon, but I don't think my children are miraculous or that I'm doing anything superhuman. It's just that I need them to nap, so I make it a priority. Try making it a priority -- it sounds like you really need it.

I think your son is jealous of the younger baby and feeling insecure and scared. At 2.5, he's only a little older than a baby himself. He was only 1.5 years old when the younger one was born. I was 1.5 when my sister was born, and I remember being picked up out of my crib and placed in a bed. I was a restless sleeper and fell out of that bed a lot, which was upsetting, as you can imagine. I had a very insecure childhood because my parents were Depression era people, and they had no understanding of children and what they needed--and I don't mean "things." I mean affection and attention.

He's got you trained...you say he bullies you. Are you feeling guilty about having the babies so close together? I'd talk to your doctor, perhaps the pediatric nurse, and read up about that age and develop a plan that you can stick to. You're the mom, he's the kid; you need to set parameters and boundaries so that he learns what's right and wrong. If you're afraid of him, you're giving him a message that will hurt him his whole life. I think he triggers fear --your husband's is responsible to help too. It's not your fault, so enlist his help too.

This may sound drastic, but I think you might want to talk to a behavioral therapist. They are there for a reason...they will give you different ideas of what can be behind it if you don't make any headway. Normal people go to see therapists, & when you have 3 kids and are tired, 12 hours is LOOOONNNGGG day. Also, he probably still needs a nap, and that could be part of the problem. It's hard to punish them all day, and some positive reinforcement when he's being a very good boy might help as well. (like a sticker chart, rock jar...something like that) Good luck...

Hi R., I have several friends who have young kids who had behaviorial issues and were diagnosed with Celiac disease. They cannot eat anything with gluten. Their behavior improved dramatically after going on a gluten free diet. I also know someone whose son had behavior issues due to Claritin. It may be possible it is something he is eating or taking. I don't know how much you know about a gluten free diet but it is not that bad. My husband is a Celiac and my three year old and I eat what he eats for the most part. If you decide to try a gluten free diet I have a list of products we have found to be great. Some of them I prefer to products made with wheat, ect. Although your child may have a behavioral issue not caused by a medical issue, I think that the possibility that behavioral issues are caused by allergies or medical issues are often overlooked. Good luck.

I have a few ideas...
First, you said he is no longer napping; I think this may be part of the problem. He may not be getting enough sleep. There is plenty of advice out there about establishing good sleep patterns.

Second, he probably feels at this point that the only way to get your attention is to misbehave. Make sure you are having plenty of one-on-one quality time with him. Your older child is old enough that he can entertain himself for an extended period of time in another room, and while your youngest naps, use that time to do things with the middle child. Read some books, do a craft project, enlist his help in making a special snack, even just watch a favourite show, but do it together. I would recommend one-on-one quality time with all 3 of your children, actually. I would not leave him with a sitter, because this will just alienate him further. He is not behaving this way just to piss you off. Hes a child, and children operate on a very limited and simple set of needs and wants. They don't get up in the morning and think "Hmm, how can I make mums day miserable?". He is looking for attention to satisfy an unmet need.
I would recommend reading the Discipline Book by William and Martha Sears. The techniques are rooted in Attachment Parenting, so if you have not been practicing this parenting method, it may take some extra work to reconnect with your kids. But its probably worth it.

Hi R.,

I have almost the same problem. I also have 3, and my middle child is very badly behaved on most days. I asked the doctor about this, and I was told that this is very normal behavior for middle children. Granted, there are children whose behavior is caused by either food, medicine, or environment. My child has been this way from the begining, so there isn't any chance of it being any of those things. I have 2 sisters who each have middle children who are, in this way, different than their 2 other siblings. I can see that now. The only thing that I can see that is slowly working, is to stick to my guns. If I say no to something, then it's no. If she has a meltdown, I'm certainly not going to give into bribery. If it gets really bad, then she gets time out in the corner with her hands and nose flat against the wall for about 3 minutes. I explain to her why she is going in the corner, and have her tell me back, so that she understands that there is a reason. I know being out in public with him probably gets embarrassing for you, but you'll have to learn to have a thick hide. Be consistent everywhere you are. Learn to follow through with your threats, so make them reasonable. About the naps: he NEEDS them. Mine also didn't want to nap, so I had to move nap time to my bed, always the same side, always the same pillow and blanket, and always the same time. I lay next to her (reading or laptop) while caressing her head until she goes to sleep. I also make sure to give her a snack right before nap, so that she sleeps a little more peacefully, and doesn't wake up starving. The naps do help immensely. She always wakes in a great mood after her naps. I also start nap time early, so that bed time isn't so late either. Encourage your oldest to quiet time during nap time, so that both your younger 2 can sleep at the same time.

Good Luck!

M.

I don't think that children act like this unless there is something wrong or off balance. Of course they go through phases, but this is becoming constant. He's miserable, and so is everyone else. Behavioral problems can often be caused by nutritional imbalances - but it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong! It means that our over-processed foods, and even our "natural" foods grown in depleted soils and shipped all over the country before they get to our stores, just don't have the nutrients our bodies crave. Some people are more sensitive to these things, which might be why you observe this behavior in one child but not the others. I work with a lot of people who have seen dramatic behavioral changes in their children by using a patented and totally safe nutritional supplement, made right here in the US and proven oven many years to help. It couldn't hurt, it will certainly help with other issues like colds and ear infections, and maybe it could give you the peace of mind you all seek. I'd be happy to share more and connect you with other moms.

This is a perfect example of how all kids are different! Even when they come from the same family. obviously you can't alienate him and leave him with a sitter while you take the other two out. This is only going to make your situation worse because it will add in the resentment factor. He is still young and he is still trying to learn right from wrong. You have to remember, it's not like he's 12 and he's misbehaving. He's two. If you didn't have to deal with it with your oldest then consider yourself lucky. But, with three boys it was bound to happen with atleast one. He probably just has a more strong-willed personality. Some kids are more layed back and others fight you on EVERYTHING. It's just the way they're wired. Just be firm and consistent. He'll get the picture soon enough.

We went through this when our 2nd was born. oUr oldest turned into a different kid. Sounds like the middle one is looking for attention. Probably feels lost in the mix. Have you tried one on one time with him. Let him know you are still there for him. While teh baby is napping and the oldest is at a friends or doing something on his own, do somehting just with him- chat over playdough, cars whatever is his favorite.

We also use a reward system inour house. We have marble cups. Each one has their own. If good or do something without being told you get a marble or 2 depend on the "level", if behavior is not good, they we take one or 2 out depending on . After there are some earned we trade tehm in- 10 marbles an extra TV show, or ice gream. Catch them doing good. I'm sure all your kids would like this. It takes the attention off the bad behaviors and stresses the good. I'd be glad to share more on it, just email me back.

Good luck- you are not alone in this type of battle
M.

My boy had a phase similar to that after our daughter was born. He was 2y 2m then.

My guess is that he is not sure if he is loved unconditionally. He is searching for "his role" in the family. He may use acting out as a source for attention (you wrote that you often spend a lot of time disciplining him). You also sound as if the family stress -- understandibly -- makes you distance yourself from him to cope: "this little one". It is a tough time, with children this young. I only have two and feel it is very hard work sometimes.

My cure when our son became harder to deal with was to work harder at staying connected with him. I tried to trust in him, and that he would come out the lovable self that we knew. He did eventually.Right now both are just lovely and even healthy (knock on wood). It took a lot of patience and energy, and i needed extra support from my husband during this time. We stuck with our attachement parenting approach and it payed -- though i was often close to trying more consevative discipline methods. in the end i am glad i stuck with what feels best for our family: connected kids behave well if their needs are met. Mostly true for us.

There are three (groups of) authors that help(ed) me: Steve Biddulph (e.g. Raising Boys) and Faber & Mazlish (Siblings without rivalry) and Sears&Sears (The Discipline Book).

Trust all your boys and yourself.

good luck,
D.

What you're describing doesn't surprise me-he's not old enough to do what his big brother does and your youngest is at a really cute stage where he is becoming really interactive and gets a lot of attention. Meanwhile your middle guy doesn't have the skills yet to deal with all the frustration he is feeling and I'm guessing he doesn't have the verbal skills yet to communicate in a constructive manner. On top of all that add on the terrible twos!

I only have 2 kids (3 yrs and 14 months) so I'm not dealing with middle child syndrome yet (though I'm hoping for a 3rd one day :) ) but I would suggest being really consistent with the time outs. If he runs out of them just keep putting him back in until he sits for his 2 minutes. If he is throwing a temper tantrum put him in an area away from you(maybe his room) and tell him when he's ready to have fun and/or use his big boy words he can come back. (I would usually wait till I hear a lull and then poke my head in and say are "Are you ready to come play yet?" Just don't give in to the temper tantrums-though it's definitely easier to do that most of the time.

As far as the babysitter idea-I think it would be great if you used one for the other 2 kids once in a while so you can get some one on one time with him. And/or hire a sitter to go to some of the outings with you so you can focus more on your middle guy.

My husband works 60+ hours a week as well and travels for work sometimes too so I understand how hard that can be. Do you have any family in the area that you can lean on a little to try and give the kids a little one on one time? (And some alone time for for you too!)

As far as napping, my son takes one every day-if he doesn't sleep then he gets an hour of "quiet time." Very rarely does he put up a fight and when he does it's over within a minute or two of me shutting the door. Just be consistent.

Just take a lot of deep breaths and know this will pass. I know it's hard to see your kids so unhappy. Good luck!

I have been where you are right now. My now 6 year old son was like that, thankfully has mostly grown out of it. Leave him with a asitter, do not feel guilty. I teach toddlers all day for years, and trust me he knows (to a degree) what he is doing. Leave him with a sitter and dont look back.. Its only fair to the other ones, otherwise you are rewardinmg the bad behavior and the others gt to suffer.
All I can tell you is tht if gts better with time. Can you afford to put him a in childcare setting to get discipline and structure outside the home? May be worth every penny... We see kids from every situation and most fo them respond better to us than parents. Godd luck and contact me if you need to!

Hi R.
I noticed in your profile that you live in Atkinson NH. My friend Stephanie lives there too and her son had all kinds of health and behavioral issues (and tons of allergies that didn't help) when he was 4 yrs old. She was introduced to a nutritional supplement and within 18 months he was symptom free and getting great grades in school.
He is now 16 and has never had problems since.
I'd love to connect you with her if you'd like to hear her story.
Good Luck
J. H

This has got to be tough! I feel for you.
The best advice I can give you is IGNORE his temper tantrums. When he is bullying or kicking or hitting, pick him up, and remove him from the room. He'll come running right back in and might get more upset, but stay CALM, do not react. Simply keep removing him from the situation. Let him throw himself on the ground and go crazy kicking, screaming - ignore it!!!
When he does something good, give him LOTS of praise.
Make sure you give your other kids LOTS of praise in front of him too so he starts to see that only good behavior gets attention.
Put him down for his nap, and leave him there. You need the break. Let him have a fit. It's ok. It is not like you are leaving a newborn alone to cry it out.
Be firm, be VERY consistent, and take a lot of deep breaths!

Can his dad have a talk with him? And at the end of every day check in on his behavior? If he was good, he gets a sticker on a chart or something like that? Not sure if that would help, but another thought.

Good luck.