To Open Presents or Not To......

I hate birthday parties and showers where the gifts aren't opened! We continue to do it, and I think children should be taught that every occasion is not about them -sometimes they get to open gifts and sometimes it's someone else's day! This is a big pet peeve of mine!

I think it's rude to not open. Even at play places, they should be opened. I've been to places where a lot of the kids are still out playing, but the birthday child is in the room opening presents. I like to see the kids face when they open the gift.

I love watching the person open the gift that I spent time picking out. I hate opening gifts in front of people. Hmmmm. I don't think it would be right of me to deprive the giver the joy of watching their gift get opened just to appease myself. People take the time and care to pick out something and watching it being opened and the joy on the recipients face (hopefully anyway) is wonderful, why deprive them of that?

This is a "no one's wrong" sort of q.

In some cultures it is the HEIGHT of rudeness to open a present in front of the giver, in others it's rude to NOT open. In still others, the presents should NEVER be opened all at once, pawed through with an audience, but opened as each person arrives so that they can thank the giver / spend time with the gift, not just 'set it aside' and move on to the next one.

<grin> Yay, for culture! How many ways CAN we be rude? Oy.

Anyhow... over the past several years... birthday parties have moved OUT of people's homes and into venues (for many reasons). These venus have time limits. In order for children to be able to play and eat, there's usually not enough time to open ALL the gifts ... which means that some would be left unopened (rude), tags get lost, it's hard to track what from whom... so many parents have opted to take presents home (to allow children time to eat/play... and to know what came from whom). I don't see this as rude, merely practical.

You were very lucky in being able to plan your pregnancies (overly fertile and infertile/fertility problem parents don't get that boon), as well to have a house AND a house that can support having parties. Many people are nowhere NEAR so lucky (babies born during 'inconvenient' times, living in apartments or very small homes). For us, until we bought our home, if there hadn't been bday venues... our son would never have had a birthday party!!! We lived in teensy student family housing, and his birthday is during icky weather (so no party at the park, needs to be indoors!). So do, please, keep in mind that many people just aren't as lucky as you are... but they love their kids just as much.

Yes, it's rude not to open, to say thank you, etc. It's an important skill for children to give and not expect to receive.

In my opinion, parties have become less and less personal over the years. People invite way too many guests, particularly for young children. 17 toddlers, the entire kindergarten or preschool class, 25 cousins, and so on - it's excessive. It costs a fortune. People can't host them in their homes anymore so they choose an expensive location - adding to the cost and the impersonality. It's almost like a contest to see who can put on the best "show" - there's a lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and it's out of hand. Once you have a huge group, it's impossible to sit down and open 20 gifts, say thank you, and expect the children who are watching to enjoy this spectacle. It's repetitive, ostentatious, and boring. It's unreasonable to expect a bunch of 5 year olds to be thrilled watching someone get 20 gifts, none of which they can play with. Host parents feel guilty, so they go broke buying expensive goody bags, and they move to open the gifts at home.

My solution is to make a reasonable party. Don't invite the entire class - those parents don't want to go to 20 parties throughout the year, nor do they want to buy 20 gifts for kids their child hardly plays with. They don't want to spend every weekend shlepping their child to yet another venue and feeling pressured to be part of this particular boost to the toy-and-party-place economy.

Follow the "year" rule -- if your child is 4, he/she invites 4 guests, opens 4 gifts, says thank you 4 times. If your child is 7, invite 7 kids. By the time the child is 10, he/she may want to do something more expensive like go to a movie & lunch, and then you cut the guest list down to the number of kids who will fit in your car - which is usually 4 or 5. Children learn to choose friends who will enjoy each other. That doesn't mean the birthday child can't have other friends or play with them at recess! It just means it's a small group. Play a few classic party games (the kids think they are brand new because no one plays them!), do a quick craft or have a treasure hunt (and the craft/treasure becomes the goody bag favor), eat some cake, and run around.

It gets our kids out of the materialism thing, gets back to actually celebrating a birthday instead of watching the parents go broke, and the guests get to actually feel special and appreciated, both from getting an invitation and from watching their gift be opened and enjoyed. They learn to enjoy the act of selecting a gift, and of being thanked. The birthday child learns manners (expressing gratitude even if it's not a gift he would have chosen for himself), and actually learns to write a thank you note without it having to be a tedious act because he has 30 to write. We have a whole generation of college kids now who don't know how to have manners in a job interview or to write a thank you note to a mentor - and we wonder why we have selfish, me-me-ME young people! It starts when they are young - and it's our obligation to teach them!

I just wanted to say that we never open gifts at the party, not because we're expecting to not like them, and not because my kids don't have good manners (saying thank you, etc) but because I just think that it's boring! We have parties at our house, with stuff for the kids to do, and cake and ice cream and I just think that it's fun for the kids to go and play! It's not like it would even take too long, because we tend to have parties with no more than 8-10 kids, but I just like to avoid the sitting around.

I also don't like to stir the whole "jealousy pot" of "she likes my gift more than yours/I gave her that first/Can I play with it now?" etc. It's just hard for kids to sit around and watch other people open presents, even if they know that their birthday will come too.

We ALWAYS send a personal thank you note for the specific gift given.

So obviously it's fine for you to open presents at the party, but please don't assume that it's because of poor manners or thoughtlessness or bad intent that other people don't open presents. They just might think that other stuff is more fun to do at the party! You say tom-ae-TOE, I say to-MA-toe : )

I personally think it's rude to take them home and open them. I had this happen last year with a family member...ugh! I no longer go to their bday parties. My kids pick out gifts for other kids...and they love to see the faces of friends and family when they open...

To me waiting to open when no one is around seems like they almost just had a party to have presents. When I throw my kids parties whether it's a structured party where they are playing games, eating or at home in the yard. we always open gifts when the majority of the people invited are present.

I love saying thank you in person, I don't do thank you cards for bdays or holidays...but I do make sure that myself, my kids either thank and hug them in person or make a phone call to say thank you!

I guess I think how can you say thank you before you even know what you're saying thank you for?????

IMO, the worst part about a birthday party is the gift giving/receiving! Making 3 year olds watch another 3 year old open 17 presents can take forever. Plus, I don't like picking out presents for other kids--mostly because if the child is like mine, they don't need a thing! Or, the parents suggest something the child likes. Well, if they are obsessed, they probably already have everything for that toy/theme. For my 3 kids, we asks guests to bring something to donate to charity. My middle son turned 3 in March and everyone brought paper towels, toilet paper, and cleaning supplies for the Ronald McDonald House. A few days later we took all the stuff to RMH (probably about $300 dollars worth!)--they were THRILLED! And, we did not add one single toy to our already-have-too-many-toys toy collection..WIN/WIN! Every single parent told me what a great idea it was!

I agree, presents should be opened in front of the givers whenever possible.

I asked this question about a month ago for my son's 3rd birthday. There is no right or wrong answer. Usually, when the party is at a "place" and not the house then they take the presents home because its easier to transport them when they are not open plus you are paying for the playtime. People seem to be ok with it both ways. We opened presents at my son's party and it was a free for all. All the kids "helped" open the presents and it was confusing to keep it all straight but everyone had fun and I was ok with it. A week later we went to a "place" party and the girl opened her presents and it was more orderly but my son refused to release the present and it was a lilttle bit of a scene. So if you are flexible, go for it but if you don't that is ok too.

The only time I've seen the present opening ceremony not happen is when the kids have already been too out of control and the mom didnt want to feed the sharks.

I always had my kids open their presents whenever we had "at home" birthday parties. But if the parties were held at some other place where there was a limited amount of time (bouncy house places, ice-skating rinks, zoos, you get the idea), I had them bring the gifts home to open. Then I'd take a pic of my child opening each gift and include it in the thank you card.

I do special events and at parties, we sometimes follow the flow of the party. If the kids are having an absolute blast, it is sometimes hard to stop all of the kids to open presents. If you have someone willing to watch the kids that want to continue to play , then it can be fine. Then you can help your child open gifts. It really puts the screech on the party and says this is the ending of the party.

Some children take forever to open gifts, so guide them by explaining before the party to read the card, or hand it to you so you can read allowed who it is from. To open the gift in a timely manner and then to hold it in the air or in front of them and say thank you (insert name) after each gift. Let them know how to handle duplicate gifts, toys they do not care for, toys they already own. Nothing worse than hearing a child say, "Oh, I already have this". Or "Oh, , I hate.. "

Many times the schedule of the activities leaves a lot of time for the gift opening makes it less chaotic. and the children are able to play that little bit longer till their parent sick them up.

For me OPEN OPEN OPEN, I would hate it if I went to a party and gifts were not opened ... I think that is rude.

I think its so rude NOT to open presents at the party. It makes me feel like the parents are expecting to hate all the presents and not want to thank anyone in person. I am also big on Thank You notes, its just polite :)

I've been to parties where both happen. It's nice when they do it there, because it is kind of a signal that the end of the party is near. Also, it can be fun to see what everyone got and to see the people's reactions. However, I've also been to parties where it is a complete madhouse, where the kids fight over the new toys, and where some parents feel really bad when their gift is not as elaborate/expensive as others.

I personally prefer not to open presents at parties, because it's really overwhelming for my children to do it all at once. I feel that when they have time to open the presents at their own pace, they end up enjoying and appreciating each gift more, because they can play with each gift as soon as they open it instead of having this "What's next?"/"Let's get it over with" mentality. Also, it does make it easier for me to keep track so that I can write thank you cards.

However, I've thrown parties where the guests want to see my kids open their presents, and I never refuse if that's what our friends want.

We typically do not open presents in front of everyone at the place we are having the party.

We will typically have the kids over to the house afterwards and open them there. However, I'm big on Thank You notes - so to me saying thank you to them isn't really enough - those thank you notes are important to me.

Many parties that we have been to, don't open them there as things get ripped open right there on the spot, things get lost - the chaos that ensues you lose who it is from as well.

I have my son open his gifts at the party! The last couple years, the kids were playing with his new toys....and they all enjoyed themselves! (I taught my son very early on to SHARE!)

If there are lots of partygoers, have someone (hubby or a friend or another mama) write who brought what (especially if you plan to do thank you cards later). If there are small or fragile parts or whatnot, or if something needs to be assembled, take those gifts out to the car.

I haven't been to any parties that the kid didn't open the gift at the party (usually toward the end). I would feel put off if they didn't! I like to see the kid's face to see the true reaction so I know whether they liked the gift.

I guess I can see how, if the party is long and structured with 'events' and stuff, that the kids might be overstimulated after a time, so the birthday parents think it is better to save the unwrapping until they get home. Especially if there are LOTS of partygoers. It could take lots of time to open everything, redirecting the kid to "keep opening and play later." (This can be a challenge.)

For my daughter's first birthday things got a little crazy and we ended up not opening presents, I felt really bad, so every birthday since, for both kids, I've made sure to open them! Then I come to find out, like you, that it is a new "trend". I do sort of agree with you, but if you get a thank you note then I guess it kind of makes up for it?? I don't know, I do know that time runs out pretty quickly, but I think it should be made a priority too.

I agree with Jane & Kristen - I cannot see how it's RUDE to be considerate of guests by not forcing 3 or 4 years olds to sit around for an hour while one child opens gifts. Of course it's rude if you don't send a thank you, and of course you thank them at the party regardless of whether or not you opened the gift. I think it's a matter of preference and scheduling but it's not rude or a faux pas to do it either way. I'd personally rather let the kids have more time in the bouncy house. It's not because I expect not to like the gifts and of course we send thank yous. We opened the gifts at our 3 year old's party last year and it was terrible - really put a screeching halt on all the fun the kids have, and seriously my daughter could have cared less about gifts when there were all those kids over and a bouncy house - so it really dampened the party for everyone.

This year we won't open at the party and waste everyone's time. And I am 100% positive that none of my friends will think it's out of rudeness.

I think people are too sensitive these days and I have no clue why everyone is so quick to assume someone else is trying to be "rude" all the time...my two cents.

Enjoy doing YOUR kids birthdays the way YOU want to do them!!

It depends. If the party is not in the family's home then it's rude to open them in public. Plus there's a time factor. When someone rents a space such as Chuck E. Cheese or kids museum or a movie theater or playscape, there's limited time. They budget time for pizza, cake, the main activity, and that's about it. There isn't enough time to sift through gifts and clean up afterward. You also have to consider that opening gifts in a public arena takes up more space than the party is already taking up and can infringe on other patrons.

If there's the leisure of having the party in the home that's a different matter.

I prefer not opening them at the party. That way, when someone has purchased a duplicate they don't feel bad since they don't know. Also what do you do with the completely inappropriate gifts once they are open and your child has seen them? We don't do weapons as gifts nor do we play with 'branded' toys. So when DS opens these at his party, we are stuck. Otherwise, we can exchange or regift. Yes, some people have spent time coming up with a thoughtful gift. But it may not work for everyone - or we may already have one. Of course we send thank you cards.

I'm new to the "friend party" circuit, so I was surprised that kids don't open presents at the party. However, the parties so far have been at little kids gyms and they last for 1.5 hours. That's pretty quick to play, have cake and open presents. So, it makes sense to me that they take the gifts home and open later. If the party were at their home, I would hope the guest of honor would open gifts and say thank you in person. It makes it much more personal for the kids.

I prefer to see the gift i bring opened, and i like to see what other people have brought, i guess that could sort of be an issue to be avoided if people were very competative or something, Personally i think it's more a time issue and not feeling like kids can be patient while others open gifts. Which is a shame because to me that is part of what makes it a bday party, what's next forgoing cake because it's unhealthy? And if the kids can't be patient then that tells me their are either to many kids (rule of thumb is one per bday childs age) or their parents arent' doing their job to teach them how act in public situations.

I hate going to kids parties where the gifts are not opened. Sometimes there is no thank you note at all which I hate. But even when the parent sends a thank you note, it is not the same as actually seeing the child open the gift. If the problem is that there are so many gifts that there is not time then maybe consider the size of these parties. My daughter just turned three. She had three kids come to the party. Kids can sit through 3 gifts.

I've debated over this question myself for my son's upcoming 4th birthday. His party is at a venue and they will have only 30 minutes to sing happy birthday, eat cupcakes, and open presents. I wonder how other 2 - 4 year olds are gonna handle that. I think it really depends on the situation and how old the children are. I am heading more for not opening them just b/c of time constraints.

It is nice to let the kids play and enjoy themselves. Open the presents at home without spending time explaining why your kid can't have the present that they gave back. A thank you card should be sent (by the child as much as possible) if you open at home. Much easier to keep track of at home. It gets easier, and more appropriate to open at the party as the kids get older, but not certain it is necessary. how weird would it be if the entire group watched as the bride and groom opened their presents before leaving for their honeymoon :)

I am with you. you should open the gifts at the actual party, because most people want to see the gift they bought for the child (or adult too) at the party. It is rude when people open all there gifts in private. However, just cards w/ money in it I would open privately, because that is rude to open in public. So my answer is wrapped gifts -- open at party and just cards --- dont. :-)