Three Yr Old Who Fights All Authority! Help!

Does she nap?
Is she tired or hungry?
These things... GREATLY affect a child's moods & patience and tolerance, especially at this age.

Teach her how to express herself, in a palatable way, even if she is grumpy or happy. Teach her she can tell you this. Teach her the words... for her feelings. A young kid, doesn't know this automatically.
My son at 3 years old, could tell me if he was "grumpy" or "irritated" or "frustrated." With my kids, I began teaching them things like that from 2 years old. It goes a long way, in helping their communication skills and ability.

Ditto Marda.

This is a hard age.
But 4 years old is hard too.
Age phases.

If you have a strong willed child, they may see all directives as win-lose. If you win, she loses. So, it helps to have a lot of tools in your arsenal if you want greater compliance and a happier life. You need to pick and choose your directives carefully, and you MUST make sure that whatever directives you give are winable by you and worth a fight.

Three year olds LOVE choices. Phrase things as choices (two options where you don't really care which is chosen. "We're leaving in 5 minutes. Are you wearing your boots or your shoes?" )

Three year olds LOVE big words like "Exciting!," "Surprise," "Unusual," etc. Using these words increases interest and compliance. "We need to get ready to go because we're going to see something EXCITING!" "I think we'll see something AMAZING on the way to your granda's house!" Then point out something that a 3 year old would consider exciting or amazing along the way. And, do not ever underestimate the power of the word, "surprise" and seeing something surpising or doing something surprising and how little it takes for a 3 year old to be surprised. Also, do not undersestimate the power of a whisper. Try whispering a directive, and see what happens.

Three year olds LOVE to help. Make youg daughter your helper. Ask her to help you with small tasks throughout the day. Tell her she's your helper and include the things you need her to do as things that help you out. "You know what would really help me? If you would pick that up your toys so that I don't trip on them."

Three year olds are learning sponges. Instead of just giving a directive, provide an explanation. "We need to go to school so that you can learn a lot today and so that I can go to work." "I need to have you give me that toy because I can't reach it." When they understand a little bit of why you are making what they think is an unreasonable demand, the more reasonable it becomes to them and the easier to gain compliance.

Three year olds can be BRIBED. Don't underestimate the power of positive reinforcement for making good choices. Or even just "If you do x, then I can give you a sticker." or "If you do x, we can take a walk." It doesn't need to be extravagent or food based, it just needs to be something that she earns. And, you have to praise that choice up, down and sideways.

Three year olds generally want to please if it's more fun to please than not please. When you catch her doing things that make you happy, whether a directive or just good behavior, stop and tell her. Give hear tons of hugs and tons of praise. When she does what you ask her without throwing a fit or just behaves in a way that you really want her to add to her normal behaviors, tell her how very proud of her you are and combine it with hugs and kisses. Whether I'm proud of my daughter is incredibly important to her, and it has been since this age. When she makes good choices, she tells her teachers "my mommy will be so proud of me!" In addition to telling her, you're proud of her, ask her if she is also proud of herself. That's even more important. "When you shared your toys at the park, I was very proud of you for sharing with others! When you do that, it makes my heart happy. How does your heart feel when you share?"

Three year olds know manners when they hear them. Include "please" and "Thank you" in all directives. "Get in the car, please" "Thank you for picking up your toys so that I don't trip on them."

Three year olds are people and worthy of the respect. Just because they're little people does not make it ok to treat them with disrespect. Authoritarian parenting often stings of disrespect. I hate when I hear parents talking to their children like they're dogs rather than people. Be sure to check your tone of voice...the less emotional you are, the more relaxed your child will be. The more rushed your child is, the greater the stress and the less the compliance. I'm not a fan of spankings...you don't have to hit a kid to make them mind you. However, you do have to stay one step ahead of them to outsmart them..

100,000 flowers to Anita! That's the BEST parenting advice I've heard in a long time. I hope you listen to her and heed her advice.

That said, also look at her diet. A poor diet=poor behavior, especially at this age. As well, spanking for things like this is lazy parenting. Sure, she'll behave, but at what cost? She'll fear you, not respect you.

You've tried time out, but what discipline have you tried? I don't mean punishment, I mean discipline. How are you teaching her to respect your authority? How are you teaching her the difference between "having a choice" and "not having a choice?" How consistent are you in your discipline?

It's not your daughter's behavior that needs to be fixed. It's how you respond to her behavior. It's how to avoid that behavior in the first place.

"In ten minutes, we're leaving for the store. I would like you to put your shoes on now. Which pair of shoes would you like? Great job! Now you can choose a snack to bring to the store. Great job! How about you choose a toy to bring with us? I'm so proud of you for helping."

"Grandma is waiting for us for dinner. I need you to help me make a dessert to bring. Come help me in the kitchen. When we're done, we can wait for it to cool while we pick out your favorite shoes and a toy to bring to Grandma's house. Thank you, you're such a great helper. Wow, that didn't take long! It's time to go to the car now. I wonder who can get there first? I think I might win...Mommies always win!"

"You have five minutes before it's time to put your toys away. Then you get to play with all of your bath toys! If you don't then Mommy will just have to take your bath for you!" Then count down and give her a warning two minutes later that she has three minutes. "It's time to put your toys away. It's been five minutes. Here, I'll help. Good girl. When we're done, it will be time for your bath. How would you like to pick out the towel tonight?"

At three years old she probably isn't going to be ready at the exact time you want her to be ready if she isn't getting warnings ahead of time. She needs to mentally prepare to transition. The transition is very important. If you're simply demanding out of what seems like nowhere to her then it's a bit of a shock and she'll be more resistant.

f you ease her into things she'll also feel like she has more of a choice even if that's not quite the case. First you present what the change is going to be. You give a time frame even though she can't tell time. She gets a description of an activity to do in the meantime that will help her pass the time and calculate how long she has. During that time she also has a chance to get used to the idea. But since you gave her a task that she has NO CHOICE ON!!!! OMG!!!! slip in something that she WILL have a choice on.

It can work with meal times too. You don't get to choose when to have supper or what the main course is, but you get to choose a side dish AND where you're going to sit at the table!

You don't get to choose going on errands with Mommy but you do get to choose ANY outfit in ANY combination you want EVEN IF the top is stripes and bottom is polka dots and socks are paisley and the shoes are rain boots AND she's wearing fairy wings from last year's Halloween plus a tutu!

You don't get to choose attending church, but you do get to choose which snack to bring to church and a quiet activity like some books, coloring pad and crayons, or dolls!

Try not to create opportunities for her to say no. That's the key.

I suggest that you need to find ways to manage her so that she feels that she has some control. Do you give her choices or do you order her to do something? That is one way to help her feel that she has some control.

Do you give her lots of positive attention? Praise her when she's behaving? Spend time playing with her during which time she runs the show? Do you have a routine for such things as getting up, going to bed, meals, play time so that she knows what to expect? Are you cheerful and positive in your approach when you tell her to do something or are you expecting her to act out and thus are too forceful and negative? Do you have a good understanding of where your daughter is developmentally and what you can expect from her behavior wise?

Time outs do not work for many children. They didn't work for my daughter or my grandchildren. I have read many responses that cite 1-2-3 Magic as being very helpful in managing toddlers. I've read the book and can see how it would work. I suggest that you get the book and try it out. Keep in mind that you have an ingrained pattern of this sort of behavior and it will take many days and weeks to turn this around.

I also suggest reading up on the development of a child and what they're capable of doing at this age. Dr. Sears has good information. You can google him and find lots of information.

Sounds like you're overly focused on your daughter to the point of not doing things for yourself. Why can't you visit family? Do they not understand that you're having difficulty? I would think that they could be helpful in learning ways to manage a 3 yo.

Do you have immediate logical consequences for when she's out of control? When she throws a temper tantrum, ignore her. Walk away while still keeping an eye on her. That is a natural consequence. When she is out of control in a store, immediately remove her from the store. Go to the car and wait with her until she calms down or if that doesn't happen soon, go home. Try again another day. When she screams and yells at home, walk away. Do not give her attention. You can put her in her room if the yelling is too much for you. Tell her ahead of time that you're going to do this and then do it each and every time. When she calms down, go and get her, give her a hug, tell her why you put her in her room and then be pleasant with her.

Can you sympathize with her frustration and anger? That will help you be better able to stay calm. When she first begins to appear to become upset, tell her that you know she's frustrated and redirect her to something else that you know she likes to have or do.

This is a rough age for both of you. She's become aware that she's separate from you and needs to have some independence. Give her as many choices as possible while remaining firm on situations that don't allow a choice. She can choose which clothes to wear (give her two choices) but she cannot choose to run out in the street. She can choose to eat or not. She'll eat when she's hungry. She can not be sleepy and choose to not sleep but she cannot choose to stay out of bed.

Read Dr Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block
Start making it clear you are not ASKING her to "do anything, give you something, or go somewhere" Are you using words like "are you ready to leave the playground/brush your teeth?" which invites a no answer?
Phrase everything Do you want to --- or ----? brush your teeth with yellow toothbrush or red? do you want daddy or mommy to tuck you in bed? wear the blue pants or the green pants? So she always has two choices but they are both leading her where you want.

Don't ask to do anything, tell her to do anything and see that she does it. You can't live with a 3 year old in charge of the home. Obviously you must be against a swat on the bottom but I would do that and then maybe if you don't say things as a command as much as just saying 'you will go do thus and so' and then we will play a game or go somewhere or whatever. If you don't break this now I fear for you in a few years. I raised many strong willed kids so I know it's not going to get better until you take charge.

You have lots of good advice already. My son was a terror at 3 (and is still difficult at times). Lack of sleep was a big part of the problem--he gave up naps and we had to rearrange his schedule. Also the advice about transitions is good. Give some warnings when you can.

Both my kids have been similar in that it's their agenda, not mine that they'll cooperate with. My daughter "always" negotiates to have things her way. So I gave up in ever trying to get errands/shopping done with them. My husband and I came to the realization that grown up life is entirely boring to our kids, so we make arrangements to take care of grown up tasks without the kids and the other stuff like meals and hygiene time is non- negotiable.
It does help to give them choices between two things that I offer, and it seems to help them feel independent and exercise control. My son is still in this phase and it's never easy, but it will pass. Good luck and I wish you all the patience in guiding your daughter towards self control.

You are experiencing the terrible two's.

If you have tried all the stuff you mentioned, then try spanking. All creatures are motivated by pleasure and pain. Your daughter is proving she can do what she wants by her tantrums. You have to show her you are the mom and she is the child and MOMs RULE ! ! ! And children obey.

Other wise you will be writing a questions to us in ten years describing how bad she is and what can you do. And if you think she is bad now, just wait until she is a teenager. If you have been on this site for any length of time you have read where moms have written in about their uncontrolable teens. All of those teens had the same history . . . their parents didn't teach them self control and obedience when they were little.

Is it easy? No but it works very well. I went through this with each of my kids. You can read my profile to see how it turned out.

Good luck to you and yours.

Kudos to Anita's advise (I haven't looked at the others yet.) I have a feeling that you are not consistent in what you do, so she runs roughshod over you while you are constantly playing catch-up.

It's really important for you to figure this out now before she gets older. I would NOT recommend spanking her because you may just end up having to up the ante by giving more and more spanks. (You might win battles but lose the war by her digging her heels in even more to spite you...)

Good luck!
Dawn

Unfortunately I can tell you that you are not alone!!! Fortunately I can tell you that it will get better!!! My son did the same thing to me. He was always mad and screaming... I endearingly called him my "Grump" for a while. He made family get-togethers miserable for me. I made excuses, I was embarrassed, I was worried, I was EXHAUSTED!!! Every day toward the end of last school year he fought me. He didn't want to get in the car to get his brother from school, then he would refuse to get out of the car, then he'd grump while we had to wait for his brother's class to come out, then he would gripe the whole way to the car, refusing to hold my hand so I had to practically manhandle him to keep him safe. Then he didn't want to get in the car again, or buckle, or get out when we got home. It was a neverending cycle, and he had me at whit's end. I love my son, but I felt like I was going to have a breakdown dealing with him!!! I am curious- has she been tested for any sensory issues, or is she delayed in speech at all? My son put his verbal growth on the back burner for almost a year when I babysat my friend's infant son during the work week for a year. He then became very frustrated that he couldn't communicate the way that his intelligence level wanted him to. He is smart as a whip, but lacking in communication skills, and it frustrated him to no end. When he began Pre-K, the wonderful teacher's aid made him a special "transitions" folder, which contained photos of all of the activities that they would be doing daily on velcro strips. When it was about 5 or 10 minutes until the next activity, she would give him the folder, and put the next activity's picture on the velcro strip, and discuss it with him. It made a huge difference in his willingness to transition. I admit, I was too rushed and exhausted and prepared to fight him to know how to help him. Almost overnight he has changed. Of course he is 4 now, and things had improved somewhat even before school started, but something like the transitions folder may help you. I think it gives them a sense of control, and understanding of the situation. Now I just warn him ahead of time what the "plan" is, so he can wrap his head around it and prepare. Not to scare you, because every child is different and she may not have the other issues that my son did, but my son did end up needing a special "preparation" Pre-K class to help deal with his behavior and sensory issues (and speech delay). He shaped up so quickly though, that they are sure he will mainstream into Kindergarten easily. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Stay strong, and know that you will get through this, as difficult and frustrating as it is!!!
P.S- I know it's tough because they are so hard to take anywhere, but I've also found that just running my son's legs off helps too!

Reward the good behavior. Don't buy things but reward with those things that are free - a trip to the park, the library, a friend's house, a scavenger hunt around the neighborhood, picking what is for dinner, etc. Get ideas from her as well. Every time you catch her doing something like a big girl (not good or bad), let her pick a slip of paper out of a jar. Each slip of paper can have a "prize." Be sure to add little things like "a twirl-around-hug" or a treat from the cookie jar.

This is just a suggestion that worked for us when our little one was about 4 and just became, well, unpleasant. Punishment just wasn't working and it became a tug of war for power. We found that instead of taking away we would give her something to work towards. The rewarding did go on for about 8 months, but it worked and eventually she grew out of the stage.
Good luck,
DH

This may not be a popular answer, but next time she asks YOU for something, perhaps you can try some role playing. Give her a taste of her own behavior. I can just about bet that she won't like it.

Little kids act out from the inside out. They aren't seeing their behavior. If you give her a taste of her own medicine, she may be actually able to see how unruly it seems. If she doesn't like the same behavior from you, you can extend that to how other people don't care for her behavior when she acts that way. Kids her age aren't going to want to be around her like that. If you get invited to go places but have to leave her home due to her obstinate behavior, leave her home a few times and talk about how nice the event was. Ultimately, she'll not want to be left out and you can talk about behavior expectations beforehand. You can let her know that you will leave immediately if she causes a scene.

Be prepared. I've known kids who deliberately acted up because they couldn't get their way or they were bored and it was their way of controlling when to leave. If that's the case, you'll just have to let her know she will be left behind so that everyone else can have fun. Let when she chooses to behave up to her. Don't take her anywhere until then. BUT, don't stay home on her account either.

Just a suggestion.