Right to Life or the Right to Die?

Hi JC, this is a very beautiful and important post. I hear incredible strength laced with no small amount of anger.

Every single one of us can learn and grow from your story.

Thank you for sharing. I admire you very much.

:)

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My Mom has a Do Not Resuscitate directive.
She can not imagine a worse hell than to linger in a state where there is no hope for a return to a normal life.
She does not want money spent on it and she'd like a quick death if possible.
Everyone dies sooner or later.

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I am so sorry for your loss. You had to make a hard choice, and my heart breaks for you. I do agree with you about quality of life. My husband knows not to go to any extraordinary measures to keep me alive should I end up in that sort of state, because to me that would not be a life anyways.

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Thank you for being strong enough to share your story. It is both compelling and thoughtful.

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First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. The death of a child is every parents nightmare. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm honored.

This is a very thought provoking topic. You see, my mother has frontal termperal dementia. I "loving" call it alzheimers on steroids oh and yes she has that as well. She cannot communicate, she doesn't know who we are, she cannot take care of herself, she cannot walk, she cannot fed herself. It is truely a terrible, nasty way to go. When she received the diagnoses, she and I didn't really talk about it. I don't know why. I don't think I wanted to know if she knew how bad it would get, she did by the way. She and my dad had many conversations about what to do. She told him when the time came to put her in a nursing home and close the door and live life to its fullest. That's my mom! She told me she loved me ALL THE TIME!! I wish I had recorded it! I would do ANYTHING to hear she say that right now!

My point is that this isn't living. My mother died two years ago. This is a body with no soul. I wish for the body to go every night because this is NOT living, this is not life.

Until you walk in our shoes, no one can say what they would and wouldn't do. Yes, my parents have directives and I know their desires.

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I am sorry for your loss. To answer your question, yes I have an advanced directive, as does my husband. No heroic measures for us if we are considered to be brain dead or in a persistent vegetative state. No feeding tubes, no hydration beyond what will make us comfortable until we pass.

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JC, I'm very sorry for your loss. I wholeheartedly believe in the right to die. My husband and my family know my feelings and I do have an advanced directive. I don't not want to be kept alive like Terri Schiavo. What she went through was horrendous. I know that there was love involved in wanting to keep her alive, but no one wants to be kept alive like that.

Riley wrote a great post in a thread that I will try to find for you, just yesterday, that deals with the truth about feeding tubes. People who don't understand how the whole thing works don't know about it.

Here it is:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12698934644679311361

DNR's ARE hard to face, but they are very necessary. My mom and sister did the right thing where my dad was concerned, including the issue of the feeding tube. He was not hungry. He was in terrible pain, but it had nothing to do with lack of food. Pallative care is what is most important - keeping them comfortable as they pass on. My MIL is currently in end-stage Alzheimers and she is kept at home with my FIL and helpers, including Hospice. She has a DNR posted on the wall and will not be returning to the hospital. It was her wish. I totally believe that just BECAUSE we can use tubes and needles and vents and cracking chests to jumpstart a stopped heart and all these extraordinary measures, they shouldn't be used for those who cannot continue to live. It is a mercy to let them go. I will want that for me one day. I pray that those who love me will be unselfish and let me go.

My prayers are with you, JC.
D.

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Wow! Such a thought-providing post! First let me say that I am truly sorry for the pain you and your family have gone through. I, like you, believe in quality of life and the right to die. I would not want to live if I couldn't truly live and I wouldn't want to put my family through the pain and expense of trying to keep me alive just to lie in a hospital bed. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am going to speak to my husband right away about advance health care directives!

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If one of my pets is in intractable pain, with no hope of any quality of life, I have it euthanized, and it is considered an act of mercy. But we are prohibited by law from showing this same mercy to members of our own species whose care we are responsible for.

I have an advanced directive and a DNR because I do NOT want to live if I can't have a decent quality of life. I don't want food pumped into my body when my brain is so far gone that I can't remember to chew food placed in my mouth. In fact, I have told my family that if I am diagnosed with a debilitating terminal illness, I plan to take my own life when I see the signs of debilitation, while I can still do so at a time and in a manner of my choosing.
And if I had had a pregnancy like you describe, I would have considered an abortion the kindest thing to do.

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I supported my father when making the choice for my grandmother to remove her tube it was a very sad sad day, I seriously considered abortion when told my unborn son has 1 in 5 for tricomy 18 (then two days later called with "mixed up labs") - then I prayed for the mother who should have been notified two days prior that she would make the right choice for her family as I made the right choice for mine (whatever it was to be). I pray for you to have the strength to know what you did was right for you and your family and for you to do it again if need be. I think it is something you do not always understand until or unless you are or have been in the moment of those choices. Peace to you, and I hope you can one day become an advocate for these patients who need someone on their side when they can not speak for themselves.

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I am so sorry that you had to experience this with your son. I am in the process of writing a will with a directive. I do not want to be a burden on my family. I don't just want to be alive I want to live and living to me means not depending on anyone to take care of me.

You made the best decision for your son and your family. There will be people who will not agree but you can't worry about what they think. Things always look different if it is not happening to you. I wish you and your family love and peace.

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DH and I both do, with power of attorney and estates very clearly indicated 4 people deep.

After the lady in FL (I forget her name) a few years ago with the brain injury and feeding tube drama...we set those up. BTW: I supported the decision to end her life.
I don't want to be a vegetable, nor a burden on anyone that would have to care for me.

Not sure if that addresses your question, really. But I agree with you. I believe in quality of life.

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Bless your heart. This is the real world that we live in, and it pains me that certain others don't and can't relate to that when they go around preaching what they call "right to life". They condemn others who have to make gut-wrenching decisions instead of showing compassion. You are my sister, and I praise your courage. Only you could have decided the appropriate timing in how you handled that situation.

I cared for my terminally ill aunt until she died. She kept on trying to exercise even after she was too weak to get out of bed. When fluid started to settle into her lungs, she asked me to help her to sit up and cough. I knew that she would not survive that, but we had established earlier that she wanted to fight this thing. That was her right. I committed to fighting with her. Period. As long as she had breath and wanted to push on, it was my job to push with her. Some relatives thought that I was wasting my efforts. (Her birthday fell a few days before she died, and her mother thought that we shouldn't be telling her happy birthday.) That wasn't their call to make. It wasn't mine. I was committed to her peace throughout the process.

It's a very personal thing, and people should really be more compassionate and less critical of how we deal with these situations.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you!! I'm assuming you're talking about another post. This is such a hard thing to talk about. People who are actually going through this not only are so extremely emotionally involved and overcome with grief but they know the FULL consequences of both sides. They get the medical opinion of the experts involved, the expert opinion of people who've been through it too and the unsolicited advice from family who are indirectly involved. Then someone comes along who doesn't know the situation, doesn't know the family and didn't talk to the experts who give their opinion one way or another and make judgments. I can see both sides only because I haven't been through this. It's a tough call to make for those on the outside looking in. Those going through it know what the right thing to do is (whichever way they go) but it's never easy, I can imagine. I wish you the best. HUGS!!

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I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine your anguish. It is understandable and logical that you would make your choices known based upon your experiences. That is what rational people do in life.

Thank you for trying to keep an open mind. I do have a version of an advanced directive in place. I say a version because many of you would say that because I don't choose to die - it isn't an advanced directive. Even my lawyer tried to change my mind. However, I am a Roman Catholic and I chose an advanced directive that says:

Health Care Decisions Should Be Consistent With Catholic Teaching. Any decision concerning my health care should be consistent with relevant teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. Those teachings are extensively discussed in the Declaration on Euthanasia which was promulgated in 1980 by the Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and which may be summarized as follows:

(a) Death is neither to be feared and avoided at all costs, nor to be sought and directly procured.

(b) Euthanasia is not permitted. Euthanasia is defined as the intentional ending of human life by act or omission in order to relieve suffering.

c) Modern pain control techniques do not, in fact, shorten life. However, the use of medicine to treat severe pain is acceptable even if, hypothetically, it were to shorten life. In any event, pain control is not the same as euthanasia, since death is not the objective of the treatment. Maintenance of lucidity is an important element in preparing for death, but severe pain should be alleviated to the extent possible.

(d) It is not always necessary to use all life-sustaining treatments. One does not have an obligation to pursue a treatment if its risks or burdens are disproportionate to its expected results or benefits. The concept of
burden is broad and must be individually assessed; it includes aspects such as pain, expense, risk, and inconvenience of the treatment as perceived by the person being treated.

I have a primary appointment and two alternative appointments in case I should be unable to make decisions for myself. I hope that my directive gives them the piece and legal authority to make the decisions that I would make for myself.

This is exactly why the $29.99 Suze Orman will is NOT enough.

C.

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Hi J.C.

I appreciate the decisions that you had to make and my heart goes out to you... you have given me much to think about and I thank you for opening my mind to it. I can't imagine the pain you went through with the loss of your son. It is something I can not understand as I have never been in the situation with a loved one. You are strong for sharing your story and I hope you will continue to share it and help others who have to make this decision. I admire your strength immensely...

Best Wishes,
E.

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I do not have an advanced directive in writing. My husband and I know each other's wishes. I would not want to be kept alive or fed if there was no quality of life left for me.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I would like to think I would make the same decision if I were in your shoes.

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Hello J.C.,

I want to tell you I admire you and respect you so much! I think that you absolutely did the right thing for your baby. Your circumstances were unimaginable and the choices you were given were awful to deal with. I agree with you that everyone should have the choice of a quality life and completely respect those that choose different avenues for their family. May God richly bless you and I am saying a prayer for your precious baby boy. May he rest peacefully knowing he was fully loved and cared for. You are an angel. Don't let anyone question you or your beliefs. You did the best and made the best decision for your son.

P.S. Yes, I have an advance directive in place as well as all of my family members.

Take care,

M

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I strongly believe in euthanasia... at any age as long as the prognosis is irreversible and cannot be overcome with medical intervention, so dire or terminal/chronic.

I have mentioned to my family that I do not want to be on life support longer than 5 years and if I'm brain dead due to lack of oxygen, etc... to let me go. Do I have this written up and documented for a large sum of money with a lawyer... no, I cannot afford to.

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