We have been having a hard time with our 3 year old daughter. She has a hard time remembering that she can solve conflicts with her 5 year old brother with out hurting him. She has started scratching him, especially on his face. She scratches him so hard that she draws blood. She had been biting and we seem to have ended that. I gave her a choice of disciplines and she chose for me to bite her (I don't think she believed I would do it, but she hasn't bitten him since). Anyway, I don't want to scratch her face. Additionally I don't want her to keep escalating what she does to him and I don't want to hurt her as a solution. Spanking and time-outs have not worked. I am currently making her wear socks on her hands when she isn't eating or sleeping. But of course she keeps taking them off. She is crazy about him but when things don't immediately go her way she lashes out, and my son is almost always the target of her violence. If someone has experience with this advice would be appreciated.
Hi there,
I wouldn't give her a choice of disciplines. Children who misbehave shouldn't decide what the consequences of their actions should be. (Especially a 3 year old.) I would find out what she values most....and take it away. And be consistent with it. That always seems to work with my kids. Good luck.
-L.
Well M., have you ever heard of 1-2-3 magic? I use it and it works wonders if you stick to it. My son has ADHD and Sensory Integration Disorder. He's a handful most times and it really does work.
Here's what you do:
When the child starts to act up, you say "That's one." Count in your head to five. NOT OUT LOUD. Give them a chance to calm down. The key is not to say anything else*. If they do not stop, say "That's two." Count in your head again to five. The child at first will wonder what on earth you are doing, because you are not yelling at them. Do not take any time to talk, yell, scream, negotiate, ect. Just warn them. If you count to five in your head again with no cooperation than you say "That's three, time out." Here's the part where you must follow through.
Put the child on a specified time out. Pick a place where they will go EVERY time for a specified ammount of time and set a timer. At this point, do not talk to them, do not explain why, do not ANYTHING. When time out is done, tell them to get up and go back to whatever they are to do.
For the first few days your child will test you. But if you stick it out and follow through with it, it works likes magic. People will wonder what you did. Soon you will start only getting to two, and not even need time out. And then you will only start to see one. It does take time. I wish I would have done this with my kids from day one. But I only learned of it when I got services for my son.
There are books and videos on the methods called 1-2-3 Magic. Check them out, they are well worth it, especially with children around your ages.
Hope this helps!
Positive rewards do help. I would try them. But the most important thing is to be consistent!!! Don't give your daughter the choice of what punishment she wants. Punishment should be something that kids learn to rely on and many don't thrive without that consistent punishment. The punishment should be something that your WHOLE family and caregivers can agree to see out as a "team approach". Many times it is out of attention and the punishment can be as easy as saying "we don't scratch" and send her to her room BY HERSELF for three minutes. No lengthly chit-chats over every scratch. Some children will do anything to get their parent's attention even if it is negative. Good luck and remember that patience and consistency are what is going to help in the long run
Hi Although we are 4 years past our biting / scratching phase I can vividly remember it. What worked best of us was making my son Jakob help his victim. He would have to hold the ice pack, wipe the blood etc. To get him to a calm state we had a play dough pounding center this worked for a while ( I would accompany him and model) I hope this helps! D.
I have a simaler problem with my 2 yr old daughter and my 6 month old son. My daughter loves her little brother but is always trying to hurt him. I found that the only way I have been able to get her to stop is to take any what she likes best if it's a toy, book, t.v, Etc.... This has seemed to help alot. Maybe you can try and see itf it helps you too. Good Luck I hope this helps.
Mom Of 2
I do the same as someone mentioned, I used to use marbles, and I would give out marbles for good things, like sharing, brushing teeth, that sort of thing, and then I would take marbles away for unacceptable behavior, before we went to bed, the kids would count their marbles, and if they had ten marbles they got a reward. I would also make sure after things have settled down, to ask her what she could have done instead. I hope this helps.
M., this is always a sticky situation. I have 2 children ages 8 and 3; they still don't understand how to resolve conflicts with out violence. My 8 year old tries but my son (3) doesn't understand that when his big sister walks away he is to leave her alone. He seems to take that as a free for all and attacks. I have been trying many different things with him as far as discipline. The one that works best for me is putting him in a chair where he can see how the other children play with out fighting for 3 minutes. By the end of the three minutes he is so antsy to play with the rest of the kids he will do almost anything to get down with them. He now knows that if he fights any children he will sit and watch the other children play instead of playing himself. Sometimes he catches himself hitting and he will apologize before his hand comes down to finish the slap or scratch. Another technique that I found works really well is comforting the "victim" and letting him see that the other child is hurt. Sometimes you may need to associate another type of pain for a younger child to understand. With my son I always had to use something like "remember when you fell off of your bike? that is how you made your sister feel now" at first he didnt really care but after a few days/weeks of that he started to understand when my sister is hurt she gets attention and he doesn't like his sister getting the attention with out him giving/receiving attention also.
Hi M.,
Wow, you have your hands full! I know you cant be everywhere but I think the 3 year old is getting lost in the shuffle.
I am against biting, scratching, hitting or bribing the child. YOU are the parent and the child shouldnt be selecting a form of discipline.
She is getting a lot of negaitive attention by acting out against her brother. Nail polish, socks etc.the focus is on her hands and not the behavior of striking out at him.
Remove her from the situation and us a time out spot making her sit there for 3 minutes, telling her why she is there. Do not interact with her for 3 minutes except to return her to that spot if she moves away...it may take seven or more times until she knows you mean business. Be consistent evry time she scratches him.
At a totally unrelated time sit with your daughter. She is obviously angry. Talk with her and see if you can find out what's going on. If she doesnt feel protected this may be her only recourse.
I'm wondering what HIS part is in all of this. Is HE poking her behind your back or taunting her? Perhaps they need closer observation to see what is really going on.
CONSISTENCY with time out will work.
Its a tough job but its worth it. Perhaps they will obe day become best friends. It is our hope as Mom's.
Justine
I don't have that specific issue (scratching) with either of my kids. They are 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 and often fight their battles by shouting, pushing and hitting. I do timeouts and role playing. Have you tried brainstorming and modeling for your daughter how to react to various conflicts? That might help. Be sure to praise her when she chooses an appropriate option and if she scratches her brother, review what she could have done. Maybe also try something like putting 5 objects in a container (poker chips, small balls, popsicle sticks) and everytime she scratches remove one. If she has any left at the end of the day she gets a treat of some sort (extra bedtime story, sticker, fruit snack, etc). Good luck!
The way I showed my oldest daughter that scratching hurt was I held out her arm and pressed with my fingertip (doesn't), then pressed with my fingernail hard enough for her to feel that nails are sharp, but not enough to scratch/break the skin. For the sharing issues, I still have to give my kids (11 and 9) time limits on things so the other can have a turn.
Here are a few ideas to consider:
When things start to heat up between her and her brother yell "Freeze!' Teach them that the way to play this game is when you say that, everyone has stop what they are doing. Then you can either talk about the issue, remove the toy from them, have them sit together on a couch and figure it out (I especially like telling mine "you can't treat your brother/sister/cousin/etc. like that because you are family and family always sticks together and loves each other. When you are both happy and ready to get up, you need to both apologize, hug and tell each other you love each other). You can also use "Freeze!" to point out the many good things you see her do through the day to encourage good behaviors.
You could also take her to get her nails done or buy pretty nail polish to paint her nails and once you paint her nails, compliment the prettiness of them and make sure she understands that she cannot use them to scratch her brother if she wants her nails painted in the future.
Another good way to send a message is to have her brother tell her how it feels when she scratches him and then make her color a sorry picture or do something nie for her brother.
If all else fails, cut her nails really short........
