The "Why" Stage

I read once that to raise intelligent children you should not ignore their questions.

when they ask one, ask a question back so that they will be triggered to think about it and maybe come up with the answer themselves.

and any time they stump you, look it up together. :)

i don't think that you can start that too early. besides, it's a 3 year old's question, how hard can it be?

Just ANSWER the questions. These kids are hungry for knowledge - let's teach them while they are interested. They can understand a LOT more than we give them credit for.

Totally typical. He's asking over and over because he's not getting "enough" of an answer. Tell her not to brush it off, but give more complex answers. With my kids I often answer, "why do you think?" Sometimes their answer is a clue as to how complex to get, and this teaches them to problem solve.

Dear Jenna,

Ah yes, the Wonderful World of Why...

What he's doing is continuing a conversation the only way he knows how. He doesn't yet have the vocabulary to keep up a "normal" adult conversation, so when he doesn't know what to say he asks, "why". This has been going on at our house (especially in the car) forever. Okay, it's not forever but it feels that way.

My son is is 4 and 4 months and still does this, though not as much and not as persistently as he used to. Even though it drives you nuts, remember it's a GOOD thing. When kids do this, they're reaching out to you. They WANT to continue a dialog and make contact now. Remember it when they're sullen teenagers. :>)

There really is no remedy to this. It's just a stage they go through. What I've done is just answer. It's good for them to hear you talk and incorporate more language themselves. It's not going to hurt them to hear the explanation of the same thing 62 times. When it just starts to drive you crazy (and it WILL, even though your little one isn't there yet)start asking them questions back. Maybe you'll get answers too. :>)

Very seriously, as an ex-teacher I've seen a LOT of children come into the school system with virtually no language, simply because the adults in their lives haven't talked to them. PLEASE talk to your kids about EVERYTHING. It could just be a running commentary of what you're doing when you're cooking or doing the laundry. It could be talking about all the things you see when you're driving the car. It's the best gift you can give your children because, they learn all the words you're using. The better your child's vocabulary when it comes time for someone to try to teach them something, the better they'll be able to understand EVERYTHING their teachers are trying to teach. The bigger their vocabulary, the easier life will be for them.

Go ahead and just answer the questions!

M.

Hi Jenna:
I found this simple answer on line,and thought i'd share it with you. One other article I read,A Dr. mentioned, that while being patient is sometimes very difficult, that it was important, not to come across to your child as (short) or sarcastic. You don't want to squelch a childs inquisitive nature and excitement to learn.

Dr. Lisa Thornton:

Funny you should ask, "why?" Believe it or not, they're not really trying to be annoying but it's just the way they are--they're curious, they really do want to know, they're learning to explore the world and it generates conversation. They know that adults have conversation all the time so they learn that if they ask, "Why?" you keep talking.They learn the skills to communicate like you. Now do they really want a detailed answer to their question? No, they don't really need the details. Like, "Why is the sun shining?" "To keep us warm." Something as simple as that is really satisfactory for a two year old.

A kid that asks why becomes wise.

A mom that says why is wise.

A kid that uses "why?" out of a desire to avoid tasks can be gently kept on track by a mother that suggests her availabilty to answer questions is best done while working together. There also is the option of writing down the questions on a "Why Board" that you can return to later, especially if you are in a hurry to get somewhere. The trick is keeping life productive during those times when the questions are asked, but there isn't time to research indepth and contemplate together.

Keep the questions coming though.

If a child becomes belligerent and demands answers, moms can remind that learning is best done under conditions of mutual respect.

Kids will be just amazed at how everything is so interconnected.

I especially like those opportunities that arise when we can draw connections to their inner source of wisdom. In each of us, kids are not excluded, there is an internal kind of discernment that will help them weigh their decisions as they mature, this is known as conscience. If you can get them in touch with that and comfortable with it, they will make much better choices concerning right and wrong, love and hate, selfishness and unselfishness.

My own children have come to where they know inside of them is something that engravens, so to speak, truth inside them. Whether that truth be about how rain falls, how birds fly, or how to cheer up someone who is sad.

Good luck learning how to juggle this wonderful age where their language and curiosity take flight. This process of association has been going on since conception (this has been researched and proven) and hopefully, if you keep it alive, it will continue through its many stages throughout their whole life.

he is encouraged by their response to continue, they may be laughing a little, which makes him think he is funny; at any rate, he enjoys being able to get some good feedback with one simple little word. He enjoys listening to folks talk, and its good for him because he is learning stuff. They should entertain him but not to the point of being manipulated.

A good response is "What do you think?"

My favorite response to "Why?" is "What do you think?" or "Why do you think it is that way?" Things to that effect. Its good to turn it around and get the kids thinking about things and owning there own thoughts.
Some things I flat out didn't know the answers to so we would look things up online or investigate at the library. After a lot of me saying "I'm not sure, lets go look it up," the why questions slowed because they were to impatient to search for the answer.

I always ask my daughter, "why do you think that is?" I have been amazed at the answers she comes up with plus it is fun to see the little wheels churning while she is thinking about it.

I always laugh when my son starts on his "why's" for the day. I will answer most of them to the best of my ability but then i usually turn the question on him... "why do you think so?" "what do you think" etc etc... he usually will answer to his ability and then go on to something else and forget about the why's! Sometimes when i really don't know or i have run out of answers to give him i tell him, "thats how God made it, or intended to be, etc..."
I love this stage only because i know that he is learning so much and this is a way for him to learn and grow. It will only last a little bit and one day you will miss it! cause i know i will :)
Good luck and take care.
A.

We would reply with "why do you think?" and that worked!

Why why why. Mhmm. Sometimes they do it because they are trying to understand, and sometimes they do it to get your attention which can be positive or negative. As other's have suggested your best bet is to answer a few and then ask them what they think the answer is. This hits both their inquisitiveness and their need to be included. It also breaks up the train of thought when they just want to anoy.

My son is two and started the "whys" about a month ago. Just like your friends son he is never satisfied with the first or even the fifth answer. So by the end of the day I get pretty tired of answering the questions and just stop answering.

Last week I took him to the doctor for his two yr check up and I asked the doctor about the "whys." He told me that it is one of the important things in children developing. He said no matter how annoying it is you should answer them almost everytime with correct answers.

Contrary to the advice below I dont think its a good idea to answers childrens "whys" with a question yourself. They ask because they want to know, they are curious. Save the questions back for a few years down the road.

After being a pre-school teacher for 13 years and now a parent . I have seen many children go through the "why" stage . I have a 4 year old who started her "why" phase at 2 1/2 and has not stopped. I just give her short simple answers. Also I repeat the end of her question as part of my answer which lets her know I heard her . I don't want to discourage her from wanting to learn but I must admit sometimes when things are really busy and she starts to ask alot of questions I have had to tell her to wait a minute on the questions and i will answer them .
Usually it's the children with alot of questions and want to learn are the ones who seem to turn out well. Also after I have given her one or two answers on a subject and she continues to ask me why I will ask her why and what she thinks . Sometimes you will get some really cute answers . I know how your friend is feeling . It takes patience but look at it this way at least she knows that he wants to learn alot and that if she encourages him to learn by introducing him to alot of things he will probably become something great . :-)

Hi Jenna,
When my twins went through the "why" stage, I was going a bit insane. My girfriend told me to try turning it back on them. It worked pretty well. After a few "why's", I would ask "why do you think?" Sometimes they would tell me what they thought, but a lot of times they gave up and went on to something else. "Mom is making me think...too much work. I'm outta here".

We make our son ask a full question instead of just why. He still asks a lot of questions but at least they are a little juicier than why.....hope that helps.

hi there
when i get to the point that i have run out of answers to my daughter's "why" questions, i come back at her with "well, why not?" sometimes it seems to work, and other times she comes back with a clever answer. best of luck with your friend and this inquisitive stage in her child's life.

I found the best way to nip this habit is for the parent/teacher to repeat the child's question aloud. Often times the child has their own answer to the question, but they want to feel validated. Even if they don't have the answer, it allows the child to feel as an equal amongst adults in knowing things. This technique is good for teaching your child to feel confident with their own thoughts and encourages them to find the answer on his/her own. Also, it creates a great dialog and it gives you some insight on how your child's mind works. I will sometimes write down their responses because they have such imaginative responses. You'd be surprised how much children do understand at such a young age. I do this with my kindergarten and first grade students all the time and it almost always works.

I went through this to an extreme degree. Somehow I came across this beautiful little essay on drgreene.com

http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&...

What his advice boils down to is that children this young are not really asking "why" but are saying "hey, I'd like to keep talking to you, but my conversational skills aren't all that great yet." Of couse, you can answer the first why or two, but after that, try keeping the conversation going another way. It saved my sanity!

Repeating things is how little ones learn. Take a look at how we are taught things in school. Repetition! At least through elementary school. Small children will watch the same movie over and over as often as you will allow them. As children get older they stop this on their own. They don't need as much repetition to retain what they learn. They are not trying, on the most part to manipulate us. In the end we often teach them to manipulate us, by thinking they think as adults or older children and they don't! Pay attention and if it gets irritating, you are the adult change the subject to something else they like, to distract them for now. Know that they may come back later with the same question. If they do answer the question again, with the same idea, if it get's irritating change the subject. Remember besides teaching them from your answers, you are teaching them how to treat others.
A little about me. My parents had 8 kids adn were foster parents, so I grew up with lot's of kids around me. I am the mother of three grown son's ages 29 to 33, with 8 grandchildren ages 4 to 14. I take my grandkids everywhere with me, vacations included! They are my world!! We just came back from a vacation back east (Ohio, Illinois and Pennsylvania) and took our three granddaughters with us, ages are 4, 10 and 14. The boys get to go next time.

Jenna,

I have a friend who's son went through that stage. She asked me to watch him (when I was pregnant) while she played softball for my husband and my team. He was climbing too high on the bleachers and I asked him to get down. He asked me why so I gave him a real answer, then he asked again, I gave him the same answer but a shorter version (short and concise is what they teach you when you are becoming a teacher - I'm an Adapted PE Specialist), he asked again, by the 4th time I was done and said to him "why don't you think about it and let me know why?" He stopped asking and got down. I think once he realized I was not going to play the game and give him the control over my responses he stopped. I believe that is why little ones ask why repeatedly, it's not because they want an answer they want to see if you will answer them when they ask and keep responding when they ask.

M. P

I think we all have had the why stage with our kids, its no bother at the first 100 why's then after that its ok if you ask why one more time, what I did is ... when my son asked me why , well I gave him a couple of whys before he went into ignore mode, then later on I would explain what he was asking why about, I just did not respond to him right as he asked why. He dropped saying it after about a month, I was so glad LOL

one idea i've heard is to ask the child "why do you think?" - that sounds like it could be mean/sarcastic - but obviously you ask in a gentle, thoughtful way! it gets them thinking instead of continuously just asking for answers.

Hi Jenna,
Has your friend tried asking her son why back? I know it sounds kind of funny, but it has worked for me in the past. I remember when my daughter used to do that (lol). In general, I think it helps to get curious with our kids. He may also find that he already knows the answer and giving out the information may be a very powerful thing for him. Also, if it is a genuine question not just a way of teasing or getting attention, it could be helpful to go to the library with any inquiries. There is an infinite amount of answers there.

Probably, the most important thing really, is to figure out if he is genuinely asking a question. If he is wanting more attention, another thing to try is giving him more words. Your friend might ask if he wants more "mommy time"? I have found that most times my daughter will be satisfied with a hug and kiss until I can give her more undivided attention. As your daughter's friend gets older, they will both benefit from being clear with each other.

Good luck!

This is one of the many fun stages that kids will go through. When my daughter went through this, I simply answered their questions. When I would get tired, I would change the subject or suggest a new activity in a nice, loving way. Kids just grow up too quickly so we should cherish every moment and laugh about these silly stages.

I read a great article about this stage... we will be there soon so I have not tried the technique to know if it works but the article suggested that you let the child know that they have a booklet of coupons that they can redeem for 'Why' questions (pick a number) and that they have to choose which questions are most important to them so they use up one of those turns carefully. It allows the child to still invetigate their world and be curious but stops the incessant questioning of why, why why that some kids get in the habit of just to see how far you will go in answering!

I would love to read if anybody has done this and how they executed this technique becuase it sounds fun and effective!

This is a golden opportunity for your friend to begin forging a trust bond with her son. She needs to answer all of his questions to the best of her ability and be completely honest - no matter how many questions he asks. If he asks a question that she can't answer, she can respond by saying, "Well, what do you think?" and see if he can come up with an explanation or she can say, "I don't know the answer to that. Let's go see if we can look up the answer together." If she doesn't act annoyed at his questions, he will continue to feel comfortable coming to her with all his questions in the future - a tremendous advantage in the grade school / preteen years. I know it's a little exasperating for her now, but the dividend will pay off for years to come. Tell her to stay strong - this stage doesn't last forever.

Good luck!!

L H answered how I would have. Respond to the "why" with "That's a good question; why do you think?"

My spouse tells our son that he only gets ## "why" questions "during this book" or "in this 5 minutes" -- "are you sure that's one of your ## questions?" Most of the time, he says no and thinks about which ones he really wants to ask.

And if I can, I try to get the why questions to have circular answers:

"Why?"
"Because A"
"Why A?"
"Because B"
"Why B?"
"Because A" (and back and forth until he gives up).

I also answer, without thinking sometimes, with Dear Abby's response: "Why do you want to know?" (It's been my standard response to nosy questions for years <grin>.) If he has a good response, I answer his question.

I'm uncomfortable trying to get him to stop asking questions, but I do agree that they can be annoying! Good luck.

I have a daughter that is 24 that went through this stage and she was one of those kids that asked why over and over also. I finally started asking her why she thought it was the way it was. It would make her think and eventually it stopped. The answer is patience and if they say I don't know I would say that wasn't the answer and I've said the reason before. It worked for me. Hopefully, it will work again.

Mom of four and I also did daycare for kids in the "why" stage. The solution is as easy as can be. You answer the question - simply, not in depth - once, or even twice for younger kids, and if the "whys" continue, just say, I already answered that question, or ask them a question right back. Curiosity does play a role in the questions, but they are really about engaging you in conversation - being payed attention to. This is not a problem, it is a stage, and an easy one (comparatively) at that. If allowed to, some kids will take the "why" thing as far as they can. If you are willing to answer a question repeatedly until the cows come home, OF COURSE the child will continue to ask. For them, it is just like pushing the button on a toy that makes something happen.

Hi, I'm sure everyone will tell you that it means the boy is smart, precocious, curious - all good things. It's best to try to be patient and give simple, clear answers, but it sounds like the little boy might be trying to get attention (negative) by being a bit obtrusive and ostinent about it. If I were her, I'd be sure to discern what's an actual "why" with what's obnoxious! And remember, when disciplining, it should be non-emotional, matter-of-fact. If he's being annoying to get that negative attention, a swift removal from the situation for the number of minutes he is old would be a good reinforcement that it's not cool to mess with mom that way. As long as that's consistent it will do the trick as long as mom doesn't get caught up in some emotional battle. She needs to be very patient and positive when the "whys" are "real", so the line of delineation is clear.
This shouldn't be a very long phase, so hang in there.
M.

Hi Jenna,
I have an eleven year old boy who, I swear!!, is still in the "why" phase. Now, he just rephrases the question 50 different ways. My favorite .. when we're both sitting in front of the SAME television and he asks me "what happened!!??" Oh!! I love being a mother :)

Anyhow, what I would suggest to your friend is to answer the question(s) as many time as SHE WANTS TO and then tune the boy out. He'll get tired of asking a question no-one is responding to. I used to get upset with my son when he asked what I deemed silly questions. Now, I'll answer until I feel he is being "silly" and then I'll just stop.

I also turn it around on him .. I'll ask him the exact same question he has asked me. Half the time, he answers his own question :)

May take a few days for it to sink in, but hey .. it's worth a try!

best of luck!
~W.

I appreciate Jill M.'s response. It really helped me, as my son is also in this stage. I think everyone should read that article. Thanks Jill! And good luck Jenna.
~N.

Oh yes have been going through that.. it is only occassionally now but has been really annoying at times.. you want them to be curious and ask, but at some point you run out of answers or patience.. I will answer a couple questions and as it starts to get riduculous or I just don't want to answer any more, I just make up funny little rhymes (ex. "why why chicken pie..") and my son will laugh and forget about the interrogation he was just giving me.. I figure he has his whole life to get the answers he needs, he does not need them all answer in one day and by me... Enjoy it.. soon they wont be wanting our opinions or our imput!!

We are in that same stage right now with our son. I answer the question the first few times. Then after that I ask him "Why" or "What" to test his memory. It usually ends there after he answers....at least for a few minutes. Then he asks the same question again. It does drive both me and my hubby nuts a lot, but we know he just being curious about his world. And part of it is he knows he is driving us nuts so he thinks it's funny. And he knows when we are mimicking him and making fun of him, so he laughs at that too.

My friend gave me the best answer for this situation. It's better that they ask you questions over and over so they feel comfortable asking you. Do everything you can to keep it that way so as they get older, they will still ask you first instead of their friends.

It drives us nuts now, but try to encourage his curiosity and questions to you. They really are MUCH smarter than we give them credit for and they are sponges right now just trying to absorb everything.

The running joke in our home right now is "Are You Smarter Than a 3 Year Old?" Half of the time the answer for me and DH is "NO!". Our son is waaaayyy smarter than we are :)!

My son is in this stage. Honestly, I try and answer as many of his questions as possible. I figure it's how he's going to learn. I also really don't "dumb" it down much. When I reach a point where I'm repeating an answer, know he knows the answer or just don't know, I end it. I either tell him I don't know. Ask him what he thinks and end with "just because..."

He's learning everything about the world, stuff we take for granted, so I'm mostly happy to answer.

-M