The Loss of a Child

I am so sorry. My husband and I lost our first son at 3 days old. You are not replacing him. It can never be done, but you have to keep on living. I can't remember the movie this quote came from, but "You either get busy living or get busy diing." If you and your husband are ready for another child and your doctor says it's OK, than do what your heart feels right. No one else can tell you what's right for you. I went through some depression issues, that ws right for me, not you. You will appreciate and cherish your children all the more because af your loss.

I wish that I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't. I just doesn't consume my whole life.

Good Luck

J. ~

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...there's nothing anyone can ever say to make you feel even a little better (believe me, I know) but sometimes it's comforting to hear words of encouragement.

I also have mourned the loss of a baby. And it's VERY natural to feel the way you do. My baby died 3 years ago this month and I can honestly tell you that those feelings that you're having about replacement subside over time. I felt the way you do for about a year and am just now feeling like if I do have another baby, it's not a replacement..it's an addition to my family =)

I know sometimes you just want a 'quick fix'...to get the mourning time over with...but (like with lots of stuff) you just need to give your heart time to heal.

again, i'm so sorry for you and your family...you're in my prayers.

C.

Wow... I'm very sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child personally, but my sister has lost two. The only thing I can think of to offer you right now is to say that I would not make any decisions right now. It sounds like you are still in the early stages of the grieving process and I would wait to make any major decisions. Talk with your husband and maybe make an agreement to discuss your feelings on the issue of trying for another pregnancy in a month or two. Maybe your perspective will have changed by then, and you could look at another child as just that... another child, rather than a replacement. Take the time to grieve the loss of this child first.

I have never lost a child, but I have worked closely with parents who have. The best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to get through the post-partum period and also seek some counseling. I think talking about a baby now is something that would make you feel as if you were replacing your daughter. What I would do is make this child special in your life. Make a scrapbook of her pictures and birth records. When you feel sad or upset about the loss of your baby, look through that book. Also make a memory box of few of her things that were special for her. I hope this helps.
M.

J.,

I lost a child at 20 weeks pregnant and got pregnant two months later we had no clue that would happen. We weren't planning it that way it just happened. Most doctors will tell you to wait at least three cycles before trying to concieve again. The feelings I had with the loss of Spencer (we named the baby) were similar to what you are having. We thought the whole time and felt as if we were replacing Spencer and had the whole range of what it emotions and things got really scary when we got to 20 weeks with Daniel since that was when we lost Spencer. So I guess I am trying to say that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal and allow yourself to have those feelings don't bottle them up and don't let anyone tell you, you are crazy or that it's not normal. I can't say that the feelings ever go away totally but they do subside some it will be hard esp once you get pregnant I was so afraid while I was pregnant with Daniel I had the what if and what do I do when feelings as well as the crying and grieving for Spencer still. Daniel was born 11 months after we lost Spencer. I can tell you too that when you have another baby you will feel good, but for me since it was so close to being a year that we lost Spencer so that along with the post partum part made it a little harder for me. I ended up on Zoloft for a few weeks but was fine after that and I don't need it anymore infact I havne't taken it in well over a year. Not saying that will happen to you but, trying to be truthful and honest and share how things went for me. I hope that you will be Blessed with a little one when you want to have one and remember just let yourself feel things and don't bottle them up.

Dear J.,
I can only imagine what you are going through. I have 4 beautiful children that I could not imagine my world without! I hope that God blesses you and keeps you in His loving arms through your entire healing. You will never replace your beautiful angel, but God has His way of making all things better. Just know that she's with our Savior and she is safe and in no pain. You'll be with her again someday, and I don't think that she would feel that you are being disrespectful to her memory. Don't feel guilty about wanting another child, but remember to be true to her memory. Celebrate her birthday by lighting a candle and saying a prayer in her memory. Always let your other children remember their sister and celebrate her life in their own way. Another baby would be a blessing, and would never replace her, but would be a living testimony of her life, and someone else to share the joy of their "special angel" that watches over them. She'll always be with you...in your heart and mind. I feel that your feeling of loss will never completely go away, but will ease as time goes by. But as I said, take comfort that she's with God and take it one day at a time. God bless you and your family.

Hey J., first of all I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a child but he was born stillborn at 5 months. It was very hard for a while but then because I have other children I found my self not thinking about him as much. And when I did think about him I would feel guilty for not thinking about him more. And I still do sometimes. One thing that helps me is to make sure that I still consider him my child. When people ask me how many children I have I tell them 4 and I just try to include him in my thoughts and things as much as I can. For Christmas I still like to hang a stocking for him, it just reminds me that he is still my child and is with me in spirit. I know this is a little different but I guess what I am getting at is that you won't really be replacing your daughter if you still include her as your child and part of the family, she is not there physically but very much there spiritually. As far as timing I would allow as much time as you and your family need to grieve for her, don't rush yourself, maybe that is why you would feel like your trying to replace her because you want a new child so soon. I can't give you a specific time frame that is for you and your husband and other children to determine based on how strong you all are emotionally. And make sure that you talk to your other children and they know that you are not replacing you daughter who passed away because she will always be your child and their sibling but she is just not physically living in this world with the rest of you. And remember God's plan is one that we cannot begin to understand but we have to trust him that he does everything for a reason and everything will work together for good in the lives that love the Lord. If you don't know God personally I would encourage you and your family to use this time of tragedy to draw near to him and let him help you through this, heal your hearts and give you peace and direction about when it is the right time to have another child. Take care and I wish you and your family the best. God Bless!

Hi J.,

My story isn't quite the same as your's but maybe my experience can help you decide what is best for you. When I was 17 (I know to young to have a child) I found out I was pregnant. In my 12th week I miscarried. I was already very attached to the baby and took the miscarage very hard. I couldn't look at a baby without crying for months and had a nervous breack down. I pulled myself back together after about six months but I countinued to grieve for two years. When I was alone at night I would cry for the child I lost sometimes for hours. So what changed after two years you ask? Well, I had my first child. Once he was born I was able to let go of the one I lost. All children are different so you can't replace one, but you can redirect your focuss. And a new baby gives you something to focuss on and makes the pain less painful. But there are reasons to wait also. For one your body needs time to heal after you have a child. Most doctors recomend about two years between pregnancies. And you need to go through the greving process. No one but you can know when you are ready to try agan. I'm sorry for your loss and hope for the best for you.

Dear J.,

my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I read somewhere that it usually takes about 5 years to work through the loss of a loved one. Don't set the bar for yourself too high. Allow time for grieving. Since you have to take care of your other 2 children I imagine it difficult finding the personal space to do so. Don't be shy to ask for help in any form in finding time for your needs at this point in life. In most families the mother is still the center of everything and if mom is not allowed working through her pain and loss the whole family will carry longlasting scars. Find church groups or other types of help groups so you can share what you're going through in person. Everybody grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way. And your question as to when is the right time for another baby can only be answered by you and your husband. Both of you have to feel ready for a new pregnancy. Don't worry about anyone thinking you're replacing her. Everybody knows that is not possible, you already know that too. There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. And I'm sure you'll find a way to honor her short time on earth and her short time with you. What was her name?

My prayers are with you, N.

Hi J..

I lost my 25 day old daughter to a heart defect in 2001. I know exactly what you are going through. In my case, I was the one who wanted to have anohter child right away. My husband and I had big plans for a big family -- she was my 2nd child, and we knew exactly how we wanted them spaced. To top it off, we had to use fertility treatments to get pregnant. Our thought was that jsut becasue she died, it didn't change our plans for our family. So, three months after she died, I started fertility treatmens again. I did not get pregnant. However, sice she died, we have become foster parents and are in the process of adotping three kids. ages 5, 4 and 1. We have the family we wanted.

But back to your question. It's going to take time for you not to feel like you are trying to replace her, but I think it will go away. Also, it's going to take time for you not to feel guilty about moving on. That's normal. Take the time you need. If you have another baby, you are not replacing one baby with abother. Her life is just as valid as your living children. Her life cycle was just shorter.

Hugs and prayers.
B.

I LOST MY SON IN 1997 I WAS 19 YEARS OLD NOW IM 29 WITH 4 MORE CHILDREN ME AND MY HUSBAND WERE MARIED AT THE AGE OF 18 AND STILL HE WAS OUR FIRST CHILD A LITTLE BOY HE WAS BORN WITH SPINALBIFIDA WE STILL STRUGGLE WITH IT AND I WAS SO SCARED TO HAVE ANYMORE I GOT PREGNENT 8 MONTHS AFTER HE PAST HE LIVED THREE DAYS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY HE WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT WHEN HE WAS BORN AND WE FOUND OUT THERE WERE OTHER BIRTH DEFCTS AND THERE WERE NOTHING THEY COULD DO FOR HIM IT WAS PAIN YOU COULD NOT EXPLAIN I WAS HOLDING HIM WHEN HE TOOK HIS LAST BREATH AND ITS NEVER EASY AND TILL THIS DAY HE WOULD BE 9 YEARS OLD THE PAIN IS STILL THERE YOU FOUND AWAY AFTER TIME TO COPE WITH IT AND TALK ABOUT ITS NEVER EASY TO ME . I TOLD MY OTHER 4 ABOUT HIM AND SHOW THEM PICTURES AND WE DECORATE THE GRAVE ON HOLIDAYS WE MAKE IT A FAMILY TIME WERE WE ARE ALL THERE AND EACH ONE HAS DONE THEIR ON THING TO REMEMBER HIM BY WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER AFTER HAVING HIM I WAS STILL SCARED SHE NEVER TOOK HIS PLACE AND NO ONE WILL AND WHEN SHE GOT OLDER I WOULD TELL HER ABOUT HIM HE WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTON AND HE IS STILL LOVED DEARLY AND OVER TIME YOU WIL FIND AWAY TO PUT THINGS TO REST AND BE AT MORE EASE WITH IT . WE ALWAYS INCLUDING OUR FAMILY DO THINGS ESPECIALLY ON HOLIDAYS DO THINGS IN MEMORY OF HIM TREE ORNAMENTS MY MOM BUYS HIM A CHRISTMAS TREE I LET THE KIDS MAKE HIS ORNAMENTS FOR THE TREE MY SISTERS BUYS HIM THE FIGURINES TO GO AROUND IT EVERY ONE DOES SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND HES ALWAYS APART OF THE FAMILY AND WE ALWAYS DO THINGS LIKE HIS BIRTHDAY I HAVE THE FLORIST MAKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE IN FLOWERS AND THE OTHERS GET BALLOONS AND WE ALL TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE BUT THESE ARE SOME THINGS I DO TO HELP ME COPE WITH THE LOSS AND I STILL CRY DEARLY I DONT THINK ITS NEVER REALLY EASY YOULL JUST FIND YOUR ON STRENTH AND WAYS THAT YOU CAN COPE WITH IT BETTER AND I PRAY THAT GOD WILL HELP ME THRU IT BUT I WILL BE GLAD TO TO TALK TO YOU AND WE BOTH COULD TALK ABOUT IT AND TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER . YOUR IN MY PRAYERS ____@____.com SAY MAMASOURCE SO ILL KNOW ITS YOU. ONE MORE THING I DIDNT PLAN THE PRAGNECY AFTER THE LOSS OF HIM BUT I GOT PREGNENT 8 MONTHS LATER AND WHEN SHE WAS BORN I NEW SHE WOULD NEVER REPLACE HIM AND WHEN I LOOKED AT HER I WAS HAPPY I HAD ANOTHER ONE TO SHARE WITH HER SHE HAD A BROTHER AND IT DID HELP ME BETTER BUT EVERY ONES DIFFERENT EMAIL ME I WILL BE GLAD TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO AND A FRIEND THAT UDERSTANDS BUT TRY TO NEVER KEEP IT BUNDLED UP IN SIDE ALWAYS FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO I HAD KEPT IT IN UNTIL I HAD TO TALK TO SOMEONE AND IT HELPED.

im a 34 year old mother of 4 beautiful girls. i lost my 2nd daugther to heart defect, even though i had her for almost 2 years it still felt like i didnt have enough time to get to know her. to the lady who lost you baby all i can say is that over time it gets a lil easier only if you let it, you have to know it is nothing you could have done to stop it. god has plans foe everyone, he needed a extra angel.as time goes you can begin to breath again and your husband to, when your body and heart feels right you will have another child, i did. and no i never replaced her, she was special and that is why i feel god picked her. she is with you, just stop and listen.

First off you have my deepest sympathies.....I lost a child in 1999 in my 5th month due to loss of amniotic fluid. We had to go throught the whole labor and delivery and she lived 45 mins after. I was so distraught I didn't even want to worry about a burial or anything. Thankfully my mom was there and had her cremated. Every year in Jan (Kaley's) birthday I think of her and have quiet time to myself. My first marriage ended over her loss and I have remarried and had 2 children since then.

Kaley is always in my thoughts and prayers and I know she is in a much happier place. I don't think her place was ever taken because I know she is with ME in heart and spirit. I was really scared when I first found out I was pregnant with Emily (my 4 yr old), I was not ready to loose another child. I now look back and am thankful for the way God lead my life and the 2 blessings he has given me since. I am truly sorry for your loss and it helps me to know that Kaley is where she is happy and safe. I think as long as you, yourself know that she is yours, will always be yours and has a special place in your heart she will never be forgotten. I send you my prayers and best wishes. -A.

I can understand what you are saying. My husband and I lost our first child. I had a totally normal pregnancy then when I went in to have my labor indused and our son had no heartbeat. We still don't know what happened. About three months later my husband went out on my first 6 month deployment with the navy. We had talked about having another baby when he returned at first I was very resistant to the idea of having another baby but after sometime I realized that by having another baby I wouldn't be replacing our son that he would always be a part of our family. My husband and I still talk about our son and I have pictures and some other things that I want to show our daughter when she is old enough and sometimes I just need to look at those things and remember. I don't think you can get over loosing a child I think you just have to take what you can from the experience and grow from it. I can definatley tell you that you will never forget the child that you lost but you can learn how to get on with your life and it could even make your family stronger.

Hi J.,
It has been 8 years since my son was stillborn and I still struggle with replacement guilt issues. We went on to have 2 more children, both girls, but I still cannot decide whether or not I would like to adopt a little boy for the same reasons you have stated. We had our daughter 11 months after our son was stillborn and I didn't really have any of those feelings, but now that we are contemplating adopting a boy, it has been an issue. I don't know if it will ever go away. It hasn't for me so far.
S.

Good Morning J.,

First of all--hug to you. My deepest sympathies are enroute to you. I have never lost a living breathing already in my arms child. However, I did miscarry my first pregnancy. My husband and I were so excited about being parents and I found out on Valentine's Day a few years ago that my baby had stopped growing which is nicest way to say I was going to miscarry. Wow-I took it hard. I chose to miscarry naturally and not have a D&C because I wanted as much time with this child as possible and to me naturally miscarrying was much like a proper funeral in my view at the time. I went shopping crazy--I redecorated the entire apartment to try and take away the pain of that short lived pregnancy. I changed sides of the bed that I slept on and read my pregnancy books each night. I needed to seperate myself from it before I could heal from it. Then I made a bear at Build a Bear in honor of my lost child. BUT the hardest part was packing away the clothes that I had already bought. I couldn't do it. My husband had to do it for me. He packed them up and I didn't see the box again until we moved. Shortly after that, we became pregnant again. I still think about my lost baby--but sometimes I wonder if my healthy beautiful little girl isn't my firt child's spirit that decided to come when she was ready. It gives me a little peace. I am a spiritual person--not religious but spiritual--so thinking of my child having already met her older sister in another world comforted me. I don't know how all this really helps you--but it is good to share isn't it.

I do hope you find some comfort in this time--but don't ignore your feelings. If you have an outlet--use it. I was an artist but when I miscarried I stopped painting for a year and sent myself into depression. It wasn't until I found a great place to work helping others in the arts did I find my passion again. I regret closing up like that. So be good to yourself. Honor your feelings no matter what they are that day of the week. When you're ready take the next step with your husband to planning for another child. It can be hard thinking you are replacing your first child. But please don't let that hold you back. I had those same feelings--but I just try and imagine that in some realm--my two children met along the way. That is how I also handle my daughter having never met her grandfather who died several months before she was born. Bottom line-it isn't easy! You have lost a part of you in so many ways. It is time for you to grieve and give yourself the love and time and respect to work thru this. If you need a friend...I am here!