When Is the Right Time to Conceive After the Loss of a Child?

S.,

You can't replace a baby with another baby........take time to grieve the loss of your little angel...........

Sue

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Hi, S..
Here's a virtual hug. I miscarried my second child during the first trimester, and I was broken. It was also in November, in 1996. I had a healthy son already, but losing the child hit me hard.

I don't know when the right time to conceive would be for you, but I knew that I had to try again 'now or never'. Before I got too scared to try at all. I don't think trying again right away is the only answer, but it was for me.

Eight months later, I got morning sick - and was so excited! Ends up I was carrying fraternal twins, but I lost one of them early, too. (!) I carried the remaining twin until 39 weeks, and he is 10 years old now.

There are moments I miss the two I lost just as much as I did back then, but that's how we're designed isn't it? Moms are supposed to have heart and compassion. Don't feel guilty about wanting to share your life with any number of children you may have. Now or ten years from now, I'm sure you would love every one you might have.

If you celebrate Christmas, maybe you can find comfort by putting an ornament(s) on your tree for Kaylyn. Just think of the day you can hug that little darling again in Heaven and intruduce her to Chloe.

I've told Brian already, but this year my Cameron said "I think it would be cool to be a twin". I told him about his and said "someday when we're all in Heaven, I will introduce you two." He said "cool."

Best wishes, hon. Hang in there.
~~V. L

1 mom found this helpful

Dear S.,

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the sorrow you must feel now, and my heart aches for you. I can recommend a good web site for helping people who are experiencing loss, but you should also look into finding a good grief counselor or a bereavement group in your area. The web site is: http://www.belovedhearts.com There, you will find a forum where you can post a message and receive replies. There will also be people in the chat room at 9 PM tonight (if you get this message in time). the site has been a little slow due to low membership (it's free), but another site is closing its chat room, and the members were looking for a place to gather. They discovered Beloved Hearts and liked it, so there will be many more people attending both chat and forum discussions now to support each other.

As far as conceiving again is concerned, you should give your body and your heart time to heal, IMHO. I remember hearing once that it's best to space pregnancies by about two years so the mother's body will be strong and ready to support the life growing inside her. A pregnancy takes a lot from the mother, and giving the body time to regenerate the nutrients and energy it needs is a good idea. This is true whether the mother has lost a child or not. It's even true in veterinary cases, and it's one of the reasons puppy mills are such terrible places. The mothers are overbred, causing genetic disorders in the offspring due to the fact that the mothers don't have sufficient time to recover from the pregnancy and delivery.

Please give yourself time to heal so you can have a beautiful pregnancy filled with joy and good health.

If you want to send me a private message, I'll do anything I can to help you through this terribly sad time.

You, your family, and your beautiful little Angel Daughter are all in my thoughts and prayers.

You should conceive when you are ready for another, a different, a unique child; not to alleviate your feelings of loss. Allow yourself enough time to grieve. It is probably better for your body to have some time to recuperate, also. My condolences for your loss.

There is no right or wrong time. No matter what you will miss and love your child that is now an angel. If you do go ahead and try again - this child can ease the pain up a little; however, if you are feeling guilty about this - don't conceive. You will have ill feelings toward this baby. You NEED to grieve. Also, after the next baby is born - one can adopt a candle lighting on the deceased baby's grave for the baby's birthday and/or holidays to include the baby as part of the family. Make a "healing garden" in your own back yard with a small stone with the baby's information on it and a bench.
We are planting a live Christmas tree in our yard (we own)for our son and every Christmas we will decorate it for the animals to eat. It's ok to be creative. It's ok to allow yourself to grieve as well. And just because you decide to have another baby or not does not mean you disreguard your angel baby. It's ok.

HI S.,
I truly am sorry to hear about your experience. I also lost a little girl. She died in November of 2006. Her name was Sarah. She was stillborn. She was our fourth child.
I do not think that there is a right time to try again. I think it is a personal matter. I can empathize with you, and I understand your pain. Loss is very difficult, especially when it is your child. I understand the feeling of empty arms. I felt guilty for wanting to try again because I knew that no other child would take Sarah's place in my heart. I didn't want to feel like I was forgetting her.
I can assure you that 2 years later I have not forgotten her. She is a thought and feeling in my life each day. I don't think I would want it any other way. Some thoughts are painful, but others peaceful.
We found out that we were pregnant again about 4 1/2 months after Sarah's funeral. It was an extremely scary time for me and my husband.
I am happy to say that we now have beautiful twin girls that recently celebrated a first birthday.
You take all the time you need to try to heal. Let your body rest. You will have another beautiful, healthy child. You will never forget Kaylyn.
Good luck to you! You are in my thoughts.

I would consult with your doctor. I worked with a woman who lost her child to SIDS and got pregnant right away. SHe did not give her body and possbily her mental health time to heal. SHe ended up having a child with many health needs. Only your doctor can tell you if your body is ready. I think it is natural after loosing a child to want to replace that hole. I would go to counseling with a grief counselor and make sure you are ready mentally, physically and spiritually. Remember whatever you do, you still have your 1 year old and your husband to take care. Loss of a child is hard on everyone in the family and can take a toll on a marriage. Please make sure you and your husband are both getting support through this difficult time. I know near Cleveland there is Cornerstone of Hope. Check their website or ask your doctor. Your child and husband need a healthy mom and wife. Take care of that first.

Hi S., my condolences for your loss. I can't imagine what you went through. Physically and mentally your body needs time to heal. My first son was 10 months old when I got pregnant with my second, and I honestly just started to feel "normal" again at that point. You need time to heal and more importantly, time to grieve. You will know when the time is right. Best of luck to you and your family.

First I am so sorry for your loss. I to have lost a baby. My first son passed away January 15 2004. I since have been blessed with 2 healthy children and another one due in June. I would say to look for a bereavement group for both of you to attend. We went to our first meeting in February after our loss and it was very helpful. Make sure it is a perinatal bereavement group. These people understand this kind of loss. It is different than people who loose family members who have been around and have created memories. YOu need to grieve the loss of what you will never have or know with this baby. Everyone is different and I don't think you should do it until you are both ready at the same time. We waited 3 months because that is what the doctors told us to do. I don't think I have fully gone through the spectrum of grief and it will be 5 years in January. Just remember that whatever you decide it is your choice and don't let anyone make you feel bad. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. K.

I would say, wait until you both feel ready. If he wants an actual time frame, tell him to marry you first. Maybe if you two focus and work on that together it will bring you closer and give you a chance to work through the pain of loosing your baby. Perhaps wait until the New Year to see how you feel. A new year a new start?

Everyone mourns differently, it may be "easier" for him because as a man he's already sort of out of the "loop" as far as pregnancy and child birth. You were closer to your little one so it hurts a bit more. Take your time, the last thing you want is your next child to ever feel like a replacement puppy.

Good luck to you.

I cannot imagine what you and your fiance have gone thru and I pray all the best for you. Only you two can decide what is right and when the right time is, however, consult your doctor to make sure your body is ready to carry another baby. Good luck and take care.

I can't answer this question for you but I think you should talk to your doctor about if your body is ready. I know you should typically wait 6-12 months for your body to recover from the previous pregnancy. I don't know if I agree with the statement about the only way to cope is by having another baby. You don't want to replace Kaylyn and I think that is what you would be doing if you had another baby right away. You need to be completly ready with no guilty feelings before having another baby. You are still really young and have lots of time to have many more children. Wait until you are emotionally and physically ready to take care of another baby. Don't rush into anything you will regret. Best wishes and Good Luck!

S.,
Please call your local hospital's chaplaincy department and see if they have any perinatal support groups for parent who have lost chilren. You need to tell your story to others who understand and you need to hear the stories of other women who have been where you are. please please deal with your grief now, having another child can never replace the one you lost, it might make the pain easier, but you need to know how to deal with the loss, please find a support group, loss of a child is a terrible thing. I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your fiance.

i'm so sorry about your loss. that must hurt soooo much!! i can't even think about it without feeling intense pain!

your body needs time to rebuild itself before going through pregnancy again. my midwife recommends at least a year--and if that seems too long at least a few months. you need that time to heal physically and emotionally from your pregnancy. honestly, could you handle another pregnancy right now? what if the next baby was also premie? wait until you are ready to take that on again!

please, take your time. i had two kids close together and suffered severe post partum depression, and i think it was from the strain on my body. i was totally depeleted of nutrients from being pregnant/nursing 3 years straight with no break in between. another person i know also had babies very close together and struggled a lot.

it is so painful, you need to feel that pain and grieve over it, but another baby will not be the same baby. let go of this one first, and wait till you are ready for a new, different child and not wishing for the one you lost.

focus on your 1 year old, love her and smother her with kisses and tears. hold her in your arms, and wait a season until you know in your heart you are strong enough and ready.

these are just my thoughts, but follow your heart and listen to god. you will know.

Hi S.,

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.
Do not rush into getting pregnant before you are ready. There is no right or wrong time to do it, but you do need to take the time you need to grieve for Kayln. You are still young and there is plenty of time to have more children, so it's ok to wait awhile if you feel that's what you need.
There is a great book called "Trying again; pregnancy after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss". I forget who the author is, but it really talks about deciding to try again, and what you might experience when you do become pregnant again. I found it at the library.
You will know when the time is right for you. Just be honest with your fiance about your feelings, and hopefully he will be supportive and you will be able to move forward together.

many hugs and prayers to you...

That is up to you and your partner. Some might wait a year or more, some might try again right away. It is up to you and how you feel. Everyone goes about the "getting" on with life in different ways and different time frames. You and your guy just need to sit down and talk about when you both are ready to try again to have another baby. It is your life and you need to do what feels right to you!

Hi S.,
I am sorry for your loss. Medically I don't know when it is okay to start trying. I do know that people have babies that are 11 months apart, so people do it. But, I would say that you should do what you feel is right in your heart. If you are not ready then don't push yourself. If you feel ready then go for it. Do not feel guilty, having another baby does not mean you are trying to replace your daughter. Good luck to you!

First I want to say that I am very, very sorry for your loss. I have no idea what it is like to lose a child that has been born. I have had 3 miscarriages, but that's a different ballgame. I want to say that you need to give your body time to heal before trying again. I would wait until you are done grieving. Your body will take a while to heal. It is up to you and your fiancee when you decide to have another child, but I would wait at least a couple of months. The best way to deal with coping on the death of a child is to have a lot of support from family and friends, and prayer. Pray to the Lord, he will guide you through this time. I will keep you both in my prayers, and I will pray for you both to have happy, healthy children in the future. Best of luck.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for 12 years. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 11,7, and 4, all blessings after the miscarriages.

Hi S.,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Just know that you need to give your body time to rest and relax so that you can provide the best environment for your next child. They say to wait 18 mos or so between deliveries to give your body enough time to heal. But this isn't as much about physical pain as it is about emotional pain. Give yourself all the time you need (use BC in the meantime) and only start trying when you are truly ready. Otherwise you will have so many emotions around getting pregnant when you need to focus on grieving the loss of your precious child. You are so young, you have plenty of time - use this time to give your first child lots of love and attention. Wait several months before deciding....just give yourself all the time you need.
Take care and good luck to you.

Honestly, I would say wait.

Even though your child is not with you (for which I am so sorry and my heart breaks for you), your body still went through the pregnancy and birth. You need to give your body a chance to heal. Going through another pregnancy right away may be taxing on you physically. My daughter had just turned a year old when I got pregnant with my son. I had JUST about then felt like I was regaining my normal body.

There is also the emotional stress you would be putting on yourself. You can't replace a child. She is in the Lord's comforting and protecting arms, but having another child will not bring her back or fill the empty space in your heart.

I would wait until you have healed physically, emotionally and mentally before trying again. But, only you will truly know when that time will be. You can't let anyone else make that choice for you. If you have reservations, then it's best to wait. But, if you feel comfortable with having another child right away, then go for it. Whatever you choose, take it to the Lord in prayer and ask for His divine guidance.