Texting?

My first reaction is - A phone at 11??? Who would do such a thing and why would he need this? But I knew I came from a different time (my kids now in their 20s). So I waited to read some of the newer moms thoughts. PLEASE-please feel ok with having the messages monitered. Please, please feel ok with watching out for your child. Please, please don't worry about being controling or curious about his life. THAT IS YOUR JOB! We have a huge amount of kids who have no boundries-why? Because their parents just wanted to be nice and not control them. If not now, when? Do you think if you do not set strong, hard limits now that it gets easier at 16? It does not!! They will know you are weak and work you over! Set the rules and give strong consequesnces and make him feel it if he breaks the rules or you are lost for the future. I see one parent who let the bill get to $1000.00 and took the phone for 1 month. Big deal, one month. What are you going to do when the car gets wrecked due to texting or drinking or playing? Take it for one month? Get stong now, set rules now, make the consequesnes big now so that you can trust later. This is a traning camp-it really is.

I am the MOM of 3 and 2 have seved us all in Iraq as Marines and #3 is a Senior in College and will be an Marine Corp Officer next summer when he graduates.

Turst me-we had some interesting teenage years ( I could write a book on what we saw from other families and how we had to fight against all the "oh we trust our kids" stuff while their kids smoked pot, drank and drove and so much more. We have been there and done that. But somehow mine knew in their hearts what was right and what was wrong and eventually found themselves doing what was right because they had our voices and standards playing in their heads. No we are not gun totting conservatives. We just set standards (sometimes ingored in a big way, but with big consequences) and they are people you would be proud to know now. JUST be a STONG and LOVING Parent and stop worrying about being controlling and nosey. That is what parenting is about. It is not an easy job. Trust but verify!

Your gut is already telling you what is right or you would not post here. Doing what is popular is not parenting. Doing what turns out a good individual is!

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Hi M.,
First, you are not being "too crazy". That is what gut instinct feels like. Many men are more left brained and dont get that. No matter what age/stage your child is in or how varied your experience with other kids, each child is different. It is not too late to get involved no matter when the gut instinct kicks in. Those little people didnt come with instructions and you are doing the best you can with what you know. Write this note down and keep it posted for the next 25yrs.<smile>
My kids are grown now, but were instructed to turn phones off during homework, meals, and of course by bedtime. I learned that they were keeping their phones on under their pillows and talking or texting during the night when they would come home from school and start napping to make up for lack of nighttime sleep. I realized I'd not been listening to my gut when I heard talking outside in the middle of the night. The kid went outside to talk about something >important< because they didnt want to be heard. We began confiscating the phones for bedtime. Some kids would call in the middle of the night. My husband had to get up at 5am for work. We offered to wake them at 5a so they could call their friends back. Since the kids didnt mind disturbing our sleep, we didnt mind disturbing their sleep when we were awake. You can guess how that went.
Be creative. Listen to your gut. Talk to other parents and encourage them to talk to you. HTH

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11 is young for a phone without boundaries .... get rid of the text option and get some rules in place. Why does he have a phone? after school activities? what is his budget for calls? Unfortunately you guys started this and he is taking advantage of it. Girlfriend? this can get out of control so stop the texting option or get a program to see copies of the messages. He could get in a lot of trouble very easily.

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I have little ones, so I am not dealing with these issues, but I do have tween babysitters that I use to watch kids while I am there working from home. This is what I have found their parents are doing...one has no boundaries and she lets you know that she thinks her parents are pushovers. She is 12 and I would never leave her alone at my house as I know she would invite others over as long as she thought she could get away with it. The other one has parents that make her earn the right to have the phone by keeping her room clean, homework done, and good grades. They can check grades online now and if she gets a bad grade, then phone is confiscated until grade is brought up. Her parents are honest with her and let her know that at any minute they will check her phone and see what she is texting and she believes they have it set up where every text is sent to an email accoutn where they can view. So she has told all her friends and she watches what she says and you can see a difference in these girl's view of their parents. This one respects hers and states she understands their motives even though she doesn't like them. so, I plan to do the same as the latter set of parents. OH and her parents keep the phone in their rooma at night. This stops her from staying up all night texting with friends. she said her oldest sister had snuck out one night due to a late night text from friends and thus now none of them get access to the phones at night. Their phones are pre paid ones, so the kids are responsible for budgeting their own talk/text times. I liked that idea as well. Hope this helps.

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You - the PARENT - does not want your CHILD to feel as if you are controlling or nosey. The key words are PARENT and CHILD.

If you and your husband have set boundries and your son has not honored them - how can you trust him? If he has not honored these boundries - perhaps the texting option needs to be turned off for a specific time. If you haven't set boundries - you need to do so. You should also have the ability to log into his account and see all of his text messages - he should also understand that you will be doing this on occassion.

Not all kids - but too many kids today do not have boundries and get into trouble at every turn. They usually have parents who are shocked and surprised because they didn't wnat to be controlling or nosey and wanted to be a friend to their child vs their child's parent.

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Hi M.,

A friend of mine with a 15 year old daughter told me that he and his wife get all her texts forwarded to their phones, too. She's clear on this and his wife has intercepted things along the lines of, "I wish you were lying next to me..." stuff. The rule is when she gets things like that, she's to write back and say, "Please speak to me with respect." or something of the like. Her parents know if she does or not, and if she does not, mom writes it for her. Mom has received apologies from young men who've been inappropriate.

My kids are still small, so I have no experience in this myself, but I liked his way of dealing with it.

Also, I think laying down the law regarding when it is/ is not appropriate to text is important and knowing that he will lose his phone if he doesn't follow it.

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The rules at my house for my 12 year olds are you don't delete anything without asking me first, I can look at the phones at any time and without warning and at 8:30 on weeknights they charge in the kitchen. Weekends they can keep them until they go to bed, but they don't get to have them in their rooms overnight. Oh, and you can never download ANYTHING. I have really good kids, but they're at a high-hormone age. We talk a lot about respecting others and ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. We had an issue earlier this year with a child using my son's phone to send inappropriate texts to another child. Now, we don't ever give anyone control of our phones. If someone needs to call a parent, my child dials the phone number and then hands them the phone. Even if your child doesn't send anything inappropriate, that doesn't mean they aren't receiving anything inappropriate. That is normally fixed by a text back that says "dude, my mom reads these."

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I agree with the other poster. You should check a few messages once in a while, just don't become obsessed with it. I know I have family that did the same thing and actually headed things off before they became real issues.

We just bought our 11 yo his phone when he started sports after school and needed to call us if practice was cancelled etc. We did not have the texting option activated on his phone. Don't feel he needs it at his age. That way with phone conversations you at least get part of the conversation and have an idea of what is being discussed.

Welcome to the world of modern technology! Good grief, when I was kid - our modern technology consisted of pressing 'record' on the VCR while watching the program you were recording! ha!ha!

As for your son...I agree with your husband about if he hasn't given you reason NOT to trust him, then you should trust him for now.

I DO believe you need to set boundaries! Maybe the time he can have it, allow you to view the phone whenever you want, etc.

I wouldn't worry about him deleting his text messages, I do it periodically myself. Not for any reason other than thinking I didn't need that one or I already went to that appointment, etc.

I know there are some cell companies that allow you to view text messages, even if they've been deleted. I guess you would have to check with your provider.

I have a 16 year old and she has hung herself many, many (many) times. However, this past year, she seems to have gotten it right and she is allowed a little more freedom. But, she knows if she loses that trust with us - she is back to Square 1! And in our house, Square 1 sucks!!! :)

I wish you the best...

saw this on Dr Phil
http://www.mymobilewatchdog.com/
better to be safe than sorry, and your son will be sure to not say anything he wouldn't want you reading! if he proves himself trustworthy over the next couple years, I'd stop reading his texts all the time and just check up periodically to watch for any red flags.
or if you are really that worried, take the texting off his phone plan...I don't see why an 11 yr old "needs" that. or set "no phone" times and take it from him so he can get his homework done, spend time with his family, go outside and play, etc.

M.,

Isn't this just crazy.. an 11 year old having a phone.. we didn't have those things growing up, man times have changed. Well anyway, my suggestion is DEFINETLY make boundaries and rules. Everyone needs rules, and if you don't know what your boundaries are, you don't know when you have crossed them. with that said, Maybe you guys can draw up some sort of family contract, so he can also have a say so, since obviously you feel he is old enough to have a phone. And on this contract, once it is written, you along with him will sign this. Then post it where it can be seen at all times and it doesn't "slip" his mind. Also, you can also contact your cell phone company and get itemized bill, which will give all texted communication to you, and you can have times blocked off, or numbers blocked etc. this would be thru the phone company so he wouldn't be able to change it. hope this helps. God Bless.

Hi M.,

We got my daughter a cell phone when she was 11 and drew up a "contract" with about 10 rules...some of which were....no bringing it to school without our permission (and it has to stay OFF), no sending pics at all, you lose it/break it too bad, we are allowed to see any and all texts, no connecting to the internet on it, etc. She broke the rules once by downloading some music from the internet on it, (which ran the bill up to over $1000 and fortunately ATT took them off), so we took it away for a month. Even though you didn't set the rules at first, you can do it now. Write them out, keep them simple and all of you sign it. Put the consequences for breaking the rules on there also. Tell him it's for his safety and that "grownups" sign contracts all the time. I hope you have unlimited texting on your plan! You can also probably have your carrier restrict texting on just his phone if necessary. I can understand your hubby saying he hasn't given you reason to not trust him, but how does he know that if you can't see the texts? You have to set rules up for cell phones just as you would for a child's FaceBook or MySpace account online. Too many OTHER kids will do whatever they want and drag your son into it. Good luck!

A lot of cell companies offer a service where you can get a copy of all texts online. I know my friend has an 11 year old and she gave her a phone and if she wants to she can go online and pull up a record of her text messages and I believe picture messages periodically. Kids are really into texting these days!! I wouldn't worry too much about the content, unless he is having problems otherwise. I mean when we were kids we had notebooks we would pass in the hall and write notes to each other constantly during school. So kids will always find a way to communicate without their parents knowledge, mostly about kid stuff I think although I am sure our content was not something my mom would have always approved of! But what I would think would be important is to set time limits. Like him coming home and just being attached at the hip to the phone I would think to be excessive. He is a part of the family and dinner and clean up and homework and family time are priorities at home. So maybe give him a time limit on the phone, much like the days when our parents gave us time limits to talk to our friends on the house phone or like parents do today with computer time. Then how about a place in the kitchen that he hooks it to his charger for the night. That way sometime after school and before dinner for example, you can see that he has hooked his phone up and is engaged in family land. You could even move it to your room at night and give it to him in the morning before school if you think he might be tempted to stay up texting. A cell phone is a privileged so I think monitoring his time on it, especially at his young age is very wise. Good luck!!

Hi M. - I've learned I suppose over time to trust my gut with my children. If you think you need to check up on your son - do it. Too often parents want to be their children's friend, when what they need is a parent. That too, I've learned over time. When a child hides what they are doing - don't look other way and reason with yourself that you can trust them. If they are not guilty of anything - they won't be offended by your inquiry. Having children brings so much joy, and responsibility. Best of everything to you as you continue to love being a MOM!

on one hand i think its being nosey, i talked on the phone all the time at that age and had boyfriend. but that was a different time. kids that age are having sex at school! i would talk to him about being approperate and how to treat a girl and what your views are on sex (talking sexy or acting sexy...kissing ok? holding hands ok? hugging and apperoperate hugs, grabbing butts, busts, or croches). as for going through the phone i probably would if i could get to it after he went to sleep...not saying its right i just know i would for peace of mind. let us know what happened.

I think they have programs now that allows you to see everything texted - on your computer or phone. I would only do this if he doesn't follow the rules. But, it is an option.

The is how the STRANGE people meet our kids. Be noisy and find out. Better safe than sorry. We hear about this type of thing on the new when it is to late to help. Please be loving and caring for your childs safty.

M. you are not alone! It's the new craze among the younger crowd. My daughter and her friends are constantly texting day and night and the reason they have to keep deleting is because they have all their friends texting all at once and they're texting them back and the messagages fill up their in/out mailbox. It used to drive me up a wall too and it still does because my daughter never calls anyone, she texts them, and me, and anyone else who has a phone that she can text! lol They even had a segment on GMA about teen texting THOUSANDS a day....I still don't get it. My daughter now puts her phone on vibrate because it literally goes off (it seems like) every second. Now that I think about it, it's making me nuts just typing about it...lol Good luck! Unfortunately, I don't see this fad dying down any time soon.

My son is also 11 and when he turned it back in April we got him his phone, knowing that we would need it once he was in middle school to get a hold of him. We purchased a phone with no camera and he has a plan with unlimited minutes and texting. We did not want to deal with any inappropriate pics being sent back and forth between he and his friends (not that I think he would, but to be safe).

When he first got it, he was on it ALL the time, but the newness has worn off after about 3-4 months. We pay the bill to the phone and if he wants us to continue to pay the bill he has to keep his texts and allow us to read them when we ask. At times he has deleted some I can tell going back and forth between sent and received msgs that the conversation isn't flowing, and did bring it to his attention that I knew he was erasing some. Since then, it hasn't happened again(he thinks I can check whats being said online too). We do trust him, and he hasn't done anything for us not to, we just want to be a part of it and it has really worked for us. We don't check all the time, just every now and then. It makes me feel better and lets me know whats goin on with him and his friends and he doesn't seem to mind (anymore, he did at first though) since he wants to keep his phone.

You are not crazy. When my son was around 13-14 we felt the same way about his computer. He had never given us a reason to not trust him- so we didn't check. Our mistake! He was viewing things that were not meant for a 14 year old (or a 40 year old for that matter.)
Set boundaries, time limits and check. You will be amazed at what kids talk about these days. They are surrounded by so many that peer pressure them into pushing and crossing boundaries.

A little about me: I have two grown children (steps that I raised) 25 and 22 (both married; and two grandkids) plus an absolutely fantastic 7 year old daughter that is my world.

I can relate. When my 15 year old first got his phone he was racking up between 5-8000 texts a month!! That seems to be the primary mode of communication now-a-days for kids.

You can check into having his texts forwarded to you, like some of the other posts mentioned to see what is being said back & forth and also you might check with your service provider. I know there are parental controls & smart limits where you can control how many texts are sent/received, phone usage, etc.

You're on the right track with wanting to set some phone rules. I'd definitely sit down with him & your husband and tell him what you expect of him and limit his time he uses the phone so he's spending ample time with family, chores, homework, etc.

Good luck!