Teenage Daughter & Lying

I have some thoughts from a different perspective. When I was younger, I, too lied a lot to my mother. It might help you to understand from a person who was once a child who had a lying problem. Most of the time, it was because I didn't want to get in trouble. I did something wrong (not always deliberately) and I didn't want to be punished. I grew up with an older sister who my parents praised quite a bit. I never felt like I was good enough for them. It was almost expected of me that I lie. I was never really punished for the lying, only the stuff that I lied about. It got to the point where no one believed me, no matter what, just because I was the liar. If anything, that made me feel a lot worse having that label. Instead of forcing me to stop, it made me lie more. I never felt like I could trust my parents. I couldn't tell them private things. I think they were frustrated about not knowing their child and who she was as I was about being the second best. Instead of trying to fix the problem, I grew out of it. It took a while, and I still don't trust my parents as much as I should, but I did eventually grow out of it. But every child is different. She may not grow out of it without help like I did . Good luck.

I don't know enough about your family to really comment, but as I read your information about your husband and you getting back together, I wondered how the family changes might be affecting your daughter. You might need to consider family counseling.

Under the circumstances, I would not let her be on her own this summer. She has shown you that she is not ready for that responsibility.

Just wanted to throw in my two cents as a high school teacher, but first I want to qualify my comments by saying that my son is still really little and I've never been there as a mom, just a teacher observing things....

If kids (anyone, really) lie, it's because they can. Somewhere, somehow, they've gotten the message that it's okay and there aren't really any consequences for it. Consider how you respond to her lies EVERY time--do you say it's wrong but not follow through with a consequence? does/has she observed you, your husband, or some other prominent adult lying and getting away with it?

Also think about why she might be lying. Kids (people) will lie for lots of reasons: wanting to fit in, to protect themselves, or just to see what they can get away with. Try to figure out why she's lying--maybe she thinks she won't be accepted for just being herself? (And as we all know, 12 years old is a hard age for a girl's self-esteem....)

Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck!

I just have to say...good luck in whatever approach you choose to use in your family. We went through this with our daughter and around the same age. It was one of the most difficult things to deal with. As with your daughter...the lies were usually about the smallest things. It finally came to blows and I sat down and talked to her and told her that if she can't help me, and I can't help her, then we need to bring in professionals who can help us both. I asked her how she felt about an evaluation and counseling. Lets have them help us figure out how to help you quit lying. It is unfair to her and the whole family for there to be so much stress in the home revolving around one childs lying. I did everything I could think of and was always consistent. This seemed to be a real eye-opener for her. She finally admitted that she was sorry for lying and didn't want it to cause problems in the house anymore. She wanted to be part of a happy family. The lying came to a stop and our relationship improved drastically from then on. This is when I could finally get through to her that she could talk to me about anything. By the way...if you tell your kids that...be prepared...lol...they will talk to you about things that you may not want to hear, but be there for them no matter what. Good luck with your daughter. God bless.

being 12 she knows the difference between the truth and a lie...

the 6 year old is young enough to where he is almost only able to tell the truth.....well borderline anyway...

she is almost a teenager...she is changing in every way right now and well she needs her mother now more than before...talk with her endlessly about honesty, give her consequences when you know she is lying...talk with her about honestly and how rewarding it can be, let her know her lying is making you think she cannot be home by herself while your at work, and it is a priveldge and she may have to go to grandmas or something....

how long have you and her father been working on things? maybe the inconsistency of the relationship is confusing for her so she really doesn't feel or have a 'safe' place, as it can be very hard and very strange for children of divorced parents to well for one go through the divorce, but to also see the reconciliation of the same parents getting back together...

these are only suggested thoughts....if I am way off I apologize.

I am certainly not a psychologist, but it sounds like she is in need of some personal time with mom (and dad). When you both work full-time and only have some quick evening time together (plus total family time on weekends), it doesn't give her a sense of personal time with either of you.

Does she enjoy any sports? Does she like to help with things? If you set up some "date" time (maybe once a month) for her to have separate one-on-one with you and her dad, this may help to curve this need to lie. It gives you both time to talk with her and really learn what she is feeling. It may also allow you to really see how "responsible" she is -- though I don't know that staying home alone for 8 hours just because she is 12 is really a good activity. And also allow you to talk about your values and how the lying affects your relationship.

Have you considered a few day summer camps (just for her opportunity to explore things)? Or better yet, looking at the camps so she could actually be a volunteer? Many cities have youth activities and perhaps she could be a participant as a teen volunteer.

Has she taken any "babysitting" classes? Do you have any neighors with children? Maybe she could start by offering her services to families with kids in sports and younger kids in tow -- I know it would be a big relief to me to have a teen take my two younger kids to the park next to the field so I could actually enjoy watching our older son's baseball game.

This would give her some responsibility without being out of the total eye of an adult, perhaps some spending money, and a sense of pride that may help her overcome her need to lie.

Hang in there -- the next years may be the hardest, but actually the most important for you and your husband to establish some good personal relations with your daughter.

I recommend both of you read the following:

How to Father a Successful Daughter and
How to Mother a Successful Daughter

both offer some great insight into the challenges facing girls, the importance of both your individual roles in your daughter's life and some suggestions on handling dicussions, etc.

Good luck
S.

When you come up with a solution let me know. My daughter is 12 also and lies non stop. She lies about grades, she told me the teachers lie to get her into trouble. Maybe it is the pre teenager thing and hormones. (I hope it passes) My son is 7 and he is like your son, he hardly lies, he feels bad if he gets into trouble and often tells me about it if it was in school when he got into trouble but it is usually something little.

M.,
I was just like you sitting in a counseler's office one day asking her how I would ever be able to trust my (then) 14-year old. My daughter was lying every other breath and about the smallest things that didn't matter either way. It was driving me crazy and I thought she had this irreparable character flaw.

She asked me a question I will never forget and I ask it of you: Does she trust you? Meaning, does she feel safe to be herself without criticism, free to make mistakes without judgement, confidence that you will react consistently regardless if you have had a bad day or are a little tired etc.? She called it being a "safe place to fall". They aren't going to do everything right but when they screw up, you have to be the safe one.

It sounds to me like your daughter, like mine was, is protecting herself from you. That's tough - I know.

I took what she said to heart because, after all, we are the adults, right? Can we expect more out of our children (change) than we expect of ourselves? That was 2 years ago and now my daughter is VERY trustworthy (and so am I) and doesn't lie anymore. It's a good thing because, as they get older, you have to believe in them more and more and they have to be able to believe in you. It's the whole scenario of them needing to call you for a ride late at night if they have been drinking at a party. Of course, you don't want them drinking and they will be in HUGE trouble but you also want them to TRUST YOU enough to call you knowing you will help them make a bad decision not a horrendous one.

A couple other minor points: There is no possible way you can compare a 6 year old to a 12 year old developmentally. Would you compare her to an 18 year old developmentally? This is a developmental phase that you have to guide her through.

Also, make sure she doesn't hear you telling little white lies like asking her to tell someone on the phone that you aren't home? That is a common first place to look. As adults we know the difference but kids at that age are so black and white and it might be confusing to them.

Good luck! Think of it as a relationship building exercise that you will be grateful for when she is an older teen.