My Daughter Is a Liar

I think the problem stems with you believing her lies. Its time to have a heart to heart with her. Maybe even admitting that because you've caught her in so many lies its hard to trust her anymore.

I've also personally told my kids that if they tell the truth, yes they may get in trouble, but if I catch them in lie the punishment will be much worse.

i don't think there is an easy fix. the only way for lying to be a non-option is for that to be the family philosophy with no wiggle room. lying was about the worst thing my kids could do, so they didn't go there often and as they got older, they just didn't at all. i'm at a loss as to how to start with a teenager, but i can state pretty categorically that spanking her, as some have suggested, would be about the worst thing you could do.
i think the problem lies in the statement 'it's getting out of hand.' it sounds as if she's always kinda lied, but if it wasn't causing huge problems, you kinda didn't do anything about it.
so you have to start at ground zero, not just explaining to her why trust is so important in family and social dynamics, but making sure you're walking the walk yourself, and allowing natural consequences to flow from her chronic dishonesty. some of these might be that until you are confident in her truthfulness, you must have documentation of anything important she has to say, ie you never assume she's telling the truth (you really thought teachers were just lying about her?), if she wants to go to a friend's house, you verify every minute of it with the mom, you double check homework assignments, you make it your business to see she's on time to school even if that means walking her to class, you ground her for foul language, you promptly cut off disrespectful behavior, and you insist and maintain high standards. since you can't believe her, you must verify. it will be a PITA, but since you didn't do it when she was younger, you have to suck it up and deal now. and you owe it to her. being a dishonest and untrustworthy adult will be a sad legacy.
khairete
S.

I had a little trouble following your post (sorry!). Am I right in understanding that there are two kinds of lying going on?

1. She's lying to cover to avoid getting in trouble. She said something rude about a classmate, got called on it, and is denying it to stay out of trouble.

2. She's making false allegations about her teachers, her sisters, etc.

Both are honestly common with teenage girls, but # 2 is more troubling than # 1.

If she's just lying to avoid getting in trouble, double the punishment. Say, "You did two things that tell me I can't really trust you. First, you said X about your friend, and second you denied it. If you just had said X, I would have taken away your Internet privileges [or whatever] for two weeks, but because you lied to me, I need to take them away for a month." And then, look out for instances of honesty, even small ones, and praise the hell out of them: "Hey, did you just admit to eating the last of the cereal? Honesty! That's what I like to see!"

However, if she's also making false allegations, I would get her into counseling. Again, this is common, but it's a sign of more serious underlying issues. A good adolescent psychologist could probably do a world of good.

Best wishes,

Mira

Just to add, I would be careful about calling her a liar. You don't want her to internalize it and make it part of her identity. I say things like "We do not lie - it is not the kind of family we are." Describe it as a phase so she has an out, e.g. "You have been lying so I can not trust you right now. You need to earn back that trust so we can move past this.". And also explain, in the end, all you have is your integrity. I am also a fan of Po Bronson (http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/). I have found simply expressing sincere disappointment can be very effective.

I have an older teen. I am glad you are not looking the other way ! This is NOT an easy stage from here on in... when you have a "spirited" child.

She has been lying to you because it works and she gets away w/ it. This may sound crazy, but, ask yourself if you have lied in front of her. If you have been, she will do it and not care. Or, it is that she is getting away w/ it. She sounds like she has been using the situation to get away w/ it.

If you have a stack of clothes for her to put in her drawers after dinner (Which she should be doing)... and they are still sitting there after dinner. Tell her, "I see that you are turning the tv on. The tv is going off until the clothes are put away. It's your choice." Walk over and turn off the TV. Action works..

You need to get her back on track.

Do have a sit down talk w/ her. Start by telling her a thing or 2 you admire about her. Then, tell her that it's not ok to lie from here on in. Admit to her that you have making excuses for her because you were on her side. Tell her from now on, she has to stop lying because: 1) It's totally unacceptable 2) You have realized it's been going on 3) The phone and computer are "gone" for a week if it happens again 4) You love her and you are going to gain back trust 5) You are not going to be a "doormat" anymore. ***Stay on top of things this summer !

Explain what you expect of her ! I understand teens lie sometimes! This sounds like the situation of you standing up for her let it get out of control.

She is a teen, but, you are in the driver's seat ! She is not respecting authority (parents and teachers). It's not too late to get to the bottom of this ! Kids crave discipline. Otherwise, their self-confidence goes by the wayside.

I used to be a 6th grade teacher and worked with kids about that age. I could see a large difference in maturity with some students but almost all of them would do something bad sometime. I think it's the age. They're not a kid but not an adult. She'll grow out of it but until then, just tell her how her lying makes you feel.

I think you have had some very good answers, and would encourage you to check out the link Dana K. suggests. It's very enlightening for parents.

I also agree with other posters about not spanking. At this age, when I got spankings, I was so furious with my parents about the spanking that I couldn't even focus on what I'd done wrong, nor would I care to correct my actions.

Aside from the great advice some people have given, I'd also encourage you take the conversations one step beyond letting her know how the lies are affecting your relationship ("It is embarrassing to me to have to hear the truth from other people when I'm taking your side. And it hurts that you are willing to put me in that position, just as you might be angry with a friend if they lied like this to you.")...I'd also talk about finding solutions to her initial problems. She was angry and called another girl a foul name... what else could she have done in that situation? What can she do next time? She lied because she made poor choices, and she also needs to know that you want to help her do better. Taking the conversation back far enough to solve the initial problem might also convey your care and concern for her future at school and socially.

Lastly, the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" might be a good resource for your and your husband. If the lying continues on, consider family counseling.

At this point, you're going to have to sit her down and explain to her that because of her lies, you no longer have any trust in her and she is going to have to earn it back.

From this point on, you CANNOT take her at face value. You will need to confirm everything she tells you. This can and will get embarassing for her, but as you see (hopefully) that the things she's saying do check out, you can put a little more trust in her a little bit at a time.

Spanking is definitely not going to do it. And that comes from someone who definitely believes in a good old fashioned spanking. But I don't think it is going to get you anywhere in this situation.

I do feel for you. My daughter also lied to me. Heck, she will still lie to me if she thinks it will get her what she wants. It seemed like every time I tried to take up for her, I was sorry. It's a painful lesson for a parent to learn!

Kids like to push boundaries and feel in control, however, it appears as though it is getting out of hand. Be consistant. Until she can prove she is being honest and has her behavior under control you may have ot tighten the reins on her this summer. She will learn realy quick. Not only that, butenforce to her that it is terrible to lie. Try to get her to understand that people won't trust her and she won't have friends that last long becasue of it!

Sometimes we condition our children to lie when we get disproportionately angry over them telling the truth about something they did. It happens over the years. Coupled with this, generally, are over-the-top threats-like-"you are going to be grounded for life if I find out you did______". Don't give them the opportunity to lie; for instance say, "go put away the croquet set, it's about to rain"-that eliminates, "I wasn't the last one to use it-so and so was", "no I wasn't", etc. It's better to teach the greater lesson, if you're caught lying even one time, it will be nearly impossible to ever trust you again. When you call people names and assassinate their character, there will be consequences for bad behavior. Checks and balances are put in place to teach and modify a child's behavior; to make them accountable for their actions, not necessarily to punish-but to help them be the best and finest people that they can be. The intent of parents is to raise responsible, brave children-and it's the hardest damn job in the world. To reiterate-say, "we know you did this" and don't do it again because it's wrong. I'm probably not making much sense because my heart is aching for you and all parents that are going through these difficult situations with their children. Also, instead of labeling your daughter as a liar-just say you have some work to do to get her on the right track to becoming an adult. A professional will be able to help your daughter-I am just a mom, who, according to her five children, didn't do a very good job. All the best!

Do know it is natural for your teen to lie, not ok, but normal. Truth is they don't want to get in trouble. Set a punishment for lying and stick to it. Remember they think they know more than us. Use your instincts and stick to your gut feeling. When the proof is in the pudding there is no excuse.

She needs a good sit down NOW. Ask why she needs to lie to everyone. If she won't answer that or says she doesn't lie, then ask if she thinks it's preferable to go behind HER back and ask others to tell the truth.
She needs to know that no one will ultimately believe anything she has to say because of her chronic failure to be honest. When she needs it most to have someone at her back, she'll have no one. IF that's what she wants, she's on the right path. But trust is earned. She's betrayed your trust, teachers' trust, etc.
If there's anything you can bargain with as far as taking away privileges, cell phones, etc do so. She can earn things back.
Watch her schoolwork. If it starts suffering, there's yet another issue at hand. She may be reacting about being a step child and having step family. Who knows? But nip it in the bud now. Praise for good grades and accountability. Don't be afraid to step up to the plate and discipline. This is a rough time of life for kids. No longer adolescents, not adults. It's a learning time and they always think they know better/best for themselves.