Teen Troubles

Hi,
You might want to look into the Parent Project. It is a parenting program for parents of strong willed/at risk teens. We found it very helpful and gave us lots of tools, and also lots of support. We went to the Parent Project in Palo Alto, but I believe that there may be other locations in the Bay Area. Hope this helps.

Being a slightly troubled teen myself growing up, I felt that the "tough love approach" actually made me want to do more destructive things. Given that I dont know much about the exact situation, but understand that her dad is terminally ill, she needs strong support, and lots of love. My ex-boyfriend's family had a similar situation, and they were talking about Teen Challenge- www.teenchallengeusa.com. or www.teenchallenge.net for those of us in the Bay Area. It might be worthwhile to check it out. It's an organization that helps troubled teens, and it's suppose to be really great. Good Luck.

Depending on the issues with the teen as well as age, you might want to find a support group, therapy, etc... for her. I'm not sure about the "tough love". I have worked with at-risk youth for the last 6 years. True, they need limits and boundaries, but without knowing too much, it seems your niece is dealing with a tremendous amount of loss...her mother not being around and facing the death of her father. Enduring all this during a key developmental time in her life. Perhaps she is acting out because she can't wrap her mind around everything that has happened to her.

As a surrogate mother of my husband's two nieces, ages 7 and 15, I know how hard it is to deal with the volatility of a teenager. Just know her emotional reaction probably has more to do with her own pain than defying you and your brother.

If you would like any referrals, depending on where you live, I would be more than happy to provide some.

Hi M.,

I have a 16 year old daughter and a 17 year old son and they are both testing my husband and I incredibly. We have a family therapist through Kaiser who has referred our son to a psychologist that he has seen once and has agreed to see again. It seems to help. My daughter has a private therapist she has been seeing for a couple of years, Ziomara Ochoa who has an office in San Mateo ###-###-####. She works with troubled teens and is great. Also, a couple of really helpful books, 'Get out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?' by Anthony Wolf and 'Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teenagers' by I think it is Michael Riordan. These books really opened my eyes up to the inablitly of teenagers to be sensible and how to deal with them. I highly recommend them. The therapists and the authors don't recommend the 'tough love' approach. But we are reserving that if need be.

One thing I keep hearing is that they eventually grow out of this incredibley difficult stage where we are the enemy and know nothing and they are old enough to take care of themselves,(why they think running away from home and scrounging off their friends is taking care of themselves, I will never know)but I am hopefull.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother, that must add another level of distress for all of you. I wish you luck, I know it is tough for my husband and I and we are in good health.

Take care of yourself,
E.

Hi. I am a hospice nurse and a mother of two girls. It sounds to me like your niece is in grief and in my opinion, tough love may make things harder for her and may actually do the opposite of what you are trying to do. It may establish some control but may create resentment. When these feelings are not addressed, the anger can be deep seeded and become much bigger in the long run. My advise would be to get her in pre bereavement groups. You can call your local hospice. The sevices are free and ask them for referrals. Also, work with her school councelor to find referrals. Obviously, limit setting and consistency is so important but the acting out is a result of her pain and fear for her now and her future. Addressing drug issues needs support so get it. Legal issues need to be handled by the police of coarse but her knowing you are behind her, not abandoning her, and you both will get through it together is important. Not knowing you story is difficult for me to assess your need, but I hope what I've said will help. Remind her that this time with her Dad is precious and so important. Not burdening her with head trips and guilt is also important. Remind her that her reaction to the situation is normal and okay, she just needs to control it and use her head to know what is really in her best interest. Good luck. My thoughts are with you and your family. T.

I cannot say in any way that this program works because i only know about it from the commercials on the radio, but it may be worth looking into - The Total Transformation at thetotaltransformation.com. Their ad talks about improving your child's behavior. Again, do not take this as a recommendation for this program. I have not researched it or used it myself.

I realize you have provided only part of the story, but the fact that her father is termanilly ill makes me think that your neice's behavior is a means of dealing with her fears, sadness, anxiety, confussion, etc regarding the potential lose of her father. It sounds to me like you all have a lot of emotions to work through -- get into therapy, each of you individually and together as a family. It is wonderful that you have been a maternal figure in this girls life, what she needs now is LOVE not tough love...good luck.

I would check out Parents Place. They have a SF location. They offer lots of education and support services and I even think they have a group for teens with terminally ill parents. I have had great success with their offices here on the peninsula.

http://www.jfcs.org/Services/Children,_Youth,_and_Familie...

Hi M.,

I have two words for you... REALITY DISCIPLINE! There are two books by Kevin Leman that can teach you about this. "Bringing Kids Up Without Tearing Them Down" and "Making Kids Mind Without Losing Yours."

Best of luck!