13 Year Old - HELP!

Teenagers tend to be miserable and unresponsive in general. They don't know why. Some of it is raging hormones, some is trying to find what group of kids you "fit in" with, some is wondering, "What's the point? I'll never need to know this stuff."

The first thing you need to do is realize that this is your SON's problem. It IS NOT YOURS. As parents, that can be hard to remember and harder to accept.

At a certain point, asking for his input - as in, saying, "Do you want to live with your dad?" or, "What can I do about your grades?" is counter-productive. It could make him feel as if even the adults can't figure out or fix life's problems, so he'll feel he has no chance of fixing his own life. He'll give up. When you present a choice, make it a clear choice with a deadline - "If I get another report card like this, I'm either taking you out of school to do school online at home, or you can go live with your dad. He's been asking to have you. Which do you want to do?" Or, you could say, "I'm unhappy with the way your school is handling things. Would you rather I look at transfering you to another school, or should I check out at home programs?" Even if he says, "Neither," (and I have a very contrary child who almost always said that when given a choice!), he'll know that you are in charge and that a decision will be made. Tell him that if he refuses to give you any input, you'll decide for him. Then decide!

There are LOTS of educational alternatives to public school!! Especially in middle and high school, some kids simply hate the atmosphere and expectations at school, and go into a holding pattern, just waiting until they can legally leave. A "traditional" school atmosphere does not work for everyone. I homeschool my kids, but I know of other families who swear by charter schools, online schools, or online public school programs. If you feel intimidated by homeschooling, look into a proram that provides a curriculum and tracks his hours spent, grades and progress. One size does not fit all.

I do not consider finding a new method of education to be a cop-out, ebven though some people will accuse you of that if you chose to transfer, homeschool or online school. "Kids have to learn to deal with there situations in order to get along in the real world," they'll say. Ha. Out here in the real world, if you have a difficult or painful job situation, you look for a transfer or a new job. If you have impossibly obnoxious neighbors, you look at moving or at least having no contact with them. If your medication isn't working, your doctor gives you a new prescription. ALL of life is about weighing options and making choices.

Good luck, Mom! And remember (and remind your son) - adolescence doesn't last forever!

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Hi MsPat,

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I realize you are really busy with everything going on, but it sounds like he is crying out for help.

First of all, you are not a failure. You are a mom doing the very best she can and you are not perfect...none of us are. I gather from what you have written you are involved in his education and trying very hard to support him.

There could be so many things...is he the oldest and the only child with your ex? If he is, do you set aside one-on-one time with him that is just for fun?

He is on the young side for his class level? Studies show that children who are started in school before they are ready feel more depressed and have a difficult time in school. They struggle until it overwhelms them. If your son has had trouble from the beginning, it may be that he has just reached a point where he feels like a failure and is completely overwhelmed.

You mentioned that your son has an attitude with you and your husband but fears your ex. Have you ever discussed with him how he felt when you and his dad split up? Have you allowed him to tell you whether or not he likes your husband? He needs to know he can tell you anything and you'll still love him...as long as he does so with respect.

It may hurt to hear some of the things he wants to say, but if you can stay detached and listen without taking his views personally, that may help.

Find out what he has a passion for and support him in it. See if there's a way to steer him toward a life goal or career that includes his passion and see if that helps.

Of course, if he is doing his best and failing, then it's time for Sylvan or tutoring or home school. If he is too far behind the rest of the class, he will have to catch up in a non-class environment.

One other consideration is the environment at his school. We are hearing so much about bullying...and junior high is such a difficult time...

I hope this helps. I wish you all the best...

Blessings,
R.

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I highly suggest taking your son to H.E.L.P. (The Hollywood Education and Literacy Project) located here in Hollywood. It is a free program, and what is amazing is that I've seen kids like your son come into this program and by learning the study technology they offer and getting their diet in order, they magically learn to study successfully. REALLY! You can definitely call H.E.L.P. for a free tour.

Here's their data:

Hollywood Education Literacy Project International
6336 Hollywood Boulevard
Hollywood CA 90028
###-###-####
http://www.helplearn.org/index-flash.html

Ask for Amanda or Ann. They definitely will be able to help you and your son!

With love,
L. (MAMA to 16 month old Dylan Orion.......29 September 2007) : )))

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M. ~ First I would like you to know that you are not alone. This is very common behavior for teenagers and especially teenages from divorced homes. I experienced this sitation at the very same age with my oldest daughter (now 22). My advice to you is 1) spend some one on one with your son. Ask him to accompany you on a walk after your husband gets home. try to do this a couple of times a week. at first, he may not open up, but eventually, he will. 2) continue to help him with his homework. 3) encourage him every time he does something good. Even if it's as small as putting a glass in the sink/dish washer after he has a drink. Let him know that you are watching him and noticing the positive/good things that he does. Sometimes we let good behavior go by without saying anything and only mention bad/difficult things. 3) Don't mention to him the possibility of his living with his father. It should never be used as a threat. Home schooling should not be used as a threat either. You do have options, you're just not thinking it through.

Your son is at a difficult age where a lot of things are happening to his body and personality and change is difficult at that age. Couple that with a new (even 6 years married is new to a teenager) husband or "man in the house" may be a difficult adjustment for your son at this age. I think you should spend some time with your son alone, and he'll open up and get through the grades. Tutoring is also a good idea for him and finally, I think you should look into the possibility of group teenage counseling for him. Maybe talking with other kids/boys his age and older and learning how they deal with things in their home or just knowing that he is not alone in his feelings may help.

Don't give up on your son. Don't send him to his dad's. Definately don't send him to military school or anything drastic like that without really trying to love him through this time in his life. Give him a chance to open up to you by being alone with you. He may not feel comfortable speaking his feelings maybe he thinks his feelings may hurt yours. Just let him know that you love him no matter what and that you will never give up on him and you just want him to be happy. you need him to tell you what you can do to help him.

That's my advice. Hope it helps. Good luck to you and as I said, you're not alone, this is "normal" behavior for kids this age. Not all kids are like this, but a lot are and that's why I think it's "normal"!~
Best of luck to you and your family.

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Hi,
It doesn't sound like your son is able to communicate with you about what's wrong - he may not have it all sorted out himself. Things get really complicated in life and you also cannot rule out what may be happening outside the home (that he's not talking about). You know your son better than anyone and you KNOW something is wrong. You need to approach your son when it is just the two of you and say that you know something is wrong and that you want things to be better for him. That you're really concerned if he's not able to suceed in high school next year, you worry that he's not going to have advantages and opportunities in life. Our society highly values education and so it becomes a huge key to success. Tell him it's normal for teens to be moody and emotional. This is one of life's big transitions as he moves from being a boy to a man during the next several years. Ask if he's more frustrated with how things are at his school or at his home. He might not tell you, but I think your options are to switch schools (is home schooling the only option?) or to switch homes. Will he go to the same school if he is at his Dad's? How is he when he's visiting his father? Does it appear he is happier there. I had to switch my son in elementary school to a new school. He was not doing well and he is extremely bright & social, so I could not understand why. I was asked by both teachers and administrators if things were okay at home (everything was fine), so I came to the conclusion that not all was okay at school, but my son was not sharing it with me. I finally told him that if things did not improve (he was always in trouble) and if he couldn't stay out of trouble for a week, we would switch him to a new school. He didn't want to switch, but was only good about two days. So I went into his room and told him that I've known him all his life and I know when something is wrong and I'm not sure what's wrong, if it's his teacher or the other students, but that I thought that deep down he wants to be in a new school. He teared up and said, "I think I do too." We switched schools and it made an amazing difference. Amazing. He was being told all the time he was "bad," he was getting blamed for any trouble because of the perception that he was "bad" and being smart and not challenged really was making him bored. But it's hard to figure it out when you are in it. You have to trust those Mom instincts and do what's best for you son to achieve his best potential. He'll know as he grows older that you had his best interests in mind. Just keep close whether he lives with you or his Dad. My son is also 13 - so I'm wishing you and him all the best!

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Okay, has anybody talked to your son and asked him what's wrong??? Has he gotten any kind of counseling about the loss of his family to divorce? Did you talk to him about your choice to remarry and involve him in the process?

I only ask these questions because, I have been the kid who had to deal with the 'new' family and how that effected my sibling. Oh, and I come from a family of teachers and divorced people.

Kids don't know how to express their emotions, unless we guide and teach them threw the processes that effect them...like divorce and remarriage.

Was he 7 when you divorced or remarried? If the divorce was 6 years ago, he was still learning how to identify and work with his emotions and that HUGE life change occured and threw his world upside down. Divorce is tough on kids, and it's really like a mourning process. They go from having a family to having two parents who live apart, and if they don't get help dealing with the emotions it can be a rough road.

When kids feel like things are happening around them, and feel removed from the process, they tend to fall into a depression. This may explain your son's bad grades and lack of interest in school and grades. It could be a way to get your attention, and maintain your interest in his life. With kids at any age, they will do whatever it takes to get your attention...negative or positive.

My half sister came to live with us when I was 9 and she was 13, and my Dad was not very involved in her life before or during the process of moving in with us. She hated me and hated my Mom, and blamed us for her Mom and Dad not being together. She ran away from our house when she was 17 (and we could not find her anywhere) and we didn't her from her until recently when she got in touch to tell us she got counseling and wanted to apologize for the things she did when she was younger...16 years later.

Have you tried getting him a tutor? This is a great way to help him learn study skills and motivate him. You may also want to talk to the counselor at his school and find out about counseling services that district offers for grief and divorce.

Sending him to live with his Dad won't necessarily solve the issue. He will still be angry and resentful and frustrated with things he can't explain. It will more than likely create more issues with how he feels about his life and where he fits into yours.

Be patient and consistent, but start by asking him what you can do to help him do better.

Good Luck!

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Dear M.,
I see you have a lot of mixed messages here. It's going to be hard to pick but at least you know you have several options to try out. Which is exactly what we do with kids. Sad, but it's trial and error. Every child is different. That's why we can't give a straght answer here. I can't tell you who's right and who's wrong. I can't even tell you what I do with mine...they're 5 yr. and 4 mo. old boys. I can tell you what my situation was at 13 and maybe it will help...at least a little.
My parents had been divorced, my mom was on her 3rd husband, (my dad was #1). My brother moved in with our dad and I became the oldest of 7, (mixed family). My mom was a stay at home mom as well. It didn't matter. Even though they tried to stay close to us and tried to please us with fun family outings and game nights and friends over, I was still 13. My grades dropped and my social life became pretty daring at 13. My mom didn't know most of it. My moms solution was to have everyone work with me. Well, kids don't give up. I learned if I complained I got out of it. They slowly released the stress little by little until nothing was expected of me other than showing up. Eventually I was expelled and sent to a continuation school where I graduated but didn't really have to work too hard to get there. I learned very little.
When I started to work, I tried harder because working for your own money was actually worth something. I still carried those ethics though. Not for long, but I had to be fired for my bad attitude to learn how the real world works.
Now, my brother, the one who moved in with my dad, never graduated and was going back and forth between mom and dad, (different states), until he was in his late 20's and had a wife and 2 kids. He learned that if you don't like it with mom, switch to dad until the cycle starts over.
Also, I have ADD which I was tested for and my mom kept it a secret until I graduated. That explained SO much of my trouble in school.
Here are my suggestions:
*Get him tested for learning disabilities and be honest with him about it.
*Each adult, (mom, dad, stepdad), can spend time alone with him. Don't try too hard. Just have a couple hours of fun and don't try to analyze him or ask questions. Just get to know the current him.
*Make school a priority. When he gets home, homework first. No TV, no friends, no phone, until homework is done right. If he brought home bad grades, no fun at all. If you can afford it, teach him what working is like. Pay per grade and behavior.
*Tell him why school matters...no matter how much it "sucks". While staying calm, let him know that when he's got a family and no high school diploma or college education, it's hard and you don't make enough to buy things like boats, and quads and nice houses. Relate it to things he's actually interested in. Kids at that age don't realize how close adulthood and responsibilty really is. Mabe even have him start helping you with bills. Show him $$ amounts and paycheck stubs and bank accounts, grocery shopping. He'll learn how much money life costs and working at Taco Bell will not get you what you need.

I wish I had better advice for you. Eventually he'll come around and you'll see a man you're proud of. Just keep him close and don't give up. You're his strength. Good luck.

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Hi Pat. I have a 7th grader who has done terribly in Middle School, with similar grades, and unmotivated to improve. She rarely pays attention in class, is bored most of the time, and is really only interested in talking or sending notes to her friends. Her teachers like her and say that her behavior in class is very good but that she doesn't do anything. I can just tell you what I have been doing for the last month to get her grades up and will continue doing for as long as she needs it. She is now on a "Daily", a form that she picks up every morning from her counselor. She takes it to each class, writes down her homework for each class, and has each teacher sign it. They also note if she turned in the homework from the night before. When we get home from school we immediately sit down and go over her "Daily". Together, we do all of the homework. She doesn't understand most of her homework because she pays no attention in class, so I have to review the explanations in the book and help her with the work (I can now do 7th grade math). I meet with the teachers often to make sure I understand everything that she needs to do and address anything she hasn't completed. I also have started e-mailing them weekly to make sure I keep constantly updated. Now that she sees she can actually do the work she has become a little more motivated, and was excited that she actually understood the questions on a pop-quiz she had the other day. When they don't get it it becomes impossible to achieve. We also had her tested for learning disabilities through the school (they didn't find any), and are now in the process of getting her assessed for ADHD or other mental health issues through the school district so that we can request accommodations if needed, in her schoolwork. You could also use the counseling that is offered to address other reasons for lack of motivation -- such as your son's possible desire to live with his dad. I also try to offer other rewards and incentives that mean something to her -- such as dinner at McDonald's, getting together with friends, sleepovers, etc. That helps a little, especially if there is something exciting coming up. There are all kinds of reasons kids aren't motivated and they aren't always sure themselves other than that they are "bored". It could be just that they can't pay attention, then don't understand it, then just tune out. My daughter loves the social aspects of school. She just has a hard time with the work. We (mostly me) have to deal with attitude and oppositional behavior too -- a lot of it. We are now in the process of taking specialized parenting classes (again) and seeing a family therapist to try to sort out the issues and find some good strategies for dealing with it. There are no easy fixes that I've found, but getting some help with sorting it all out does a world of good. Good luck with it all. It's a tough age for the kids, and for us as parents, as well.

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I have a suggestion that someone told me she did when she had a teen who was ditching. I think it could work for you as well. First, talk to your son. Tell him that he has one week to straighten out and start doing his work or your next step is going to school with him. You will go to all of his classes and sit in the back of the room and be there to watch. You will not stop going to school with him until he begins to take school seriously, pays attention, and does the work. Kids at this age get humiliated easily and would "die" if Mom went to school with him. It only took the lady who told me what she did a few days before her child's behavior changed.

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HI

I haven't read all the other responses, so sorry if this is a repeat. I would encourage you to check out my all-time favorite book on working with your kids: the Positive Discipline series by Jane Nelson. I think she has one specifically on teens.

I also really like the Parent Effectiveness Training (PET)book (can't remember who wrote that one).

Both of these books help us to work with our kids to develop action plans and agreed-upon consequences. It takes some time to adjust to a new way of communicating, but in the long run, it is so much less stressful for everyone! These books focus on loving, respectful, realistic communication and actions that really work!

best of luck to you and your growing family!
C.

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I also have an unmotivated son and I know of many other boys who are that way, so yu are not alone. My husband and I tried to have our son held back in 8th grade because his grades were horrible and we didn't think he was ready for high school. We were told it would be "socially devastating" to hold him back, so they acted like they were being nice by pushing him through to 9th grade. (This is LAUSD, public school)

He's a senior now and struggled through high school. He had to do summer school every year, to make up failed classes. This year he is taking an extra period (7 AM) and
doing a home study course, in addition to the usual 6 periods, to get enough credits to graduate in June. This year, he has finally taken control of the work he needs to do and is getting good grades. I think he couldn't see the importance of high school graduation until now, when the end is in sight. He has always been one to wait until the last minute to do projects and homework. I also regret that he was ever in the G.A.T.E. (gifted and talented education) program (since 3rd grade) because their curriculum always seemed to consist of just piling on tons of work. He has never seen the point in repetitive stuff, like doing 80 algebra problems, when doing 1 or 2 could prove he understands the concept. This year, he is just in regular classes with not so much pressure.

Over the years, people had told me that boys reach a point where something just clicks and they then understand that it all matters. Unfortunately, with some, the click doesn't come until later, like my son's case.

Could there be any issues at school, for your son? Maybe he doesn't like the school environment. I was considering an online school, called Insight School. Anyone in California can "attend". It's a public school and has the same graduation requirements as a regular school. They will send you a laptop computer and a printer and whatever supplies you need for whatever class you're taking. They have online tutors available at any hour. It might be worth checking out.

Good luck. As difficult as it might be for you, to let your son be more in charge of his future, sometimes that's what they need. If you re-explain how important it is to get through high school and graduate and let him know that you will back off, if you can trust him to take on more responsibility and make more of his own decisions, he might "take the ball and run with it". I know, part of our problem was that if I didn't see him jumping right in, to do something for school (like I would have done) I would panic and take over and manage the whole process for him. I had to keep telling myself that he is his own person and does things his own way. As long as the desired result is achieved, it doesn't really matter. If he wants to wait until the last day and stay up all night doing a project, that's his choice...as long as it gets done.

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What a crisis. I think since you have exhausted all your efforts with your son, it's time to let your husband take over. You will see that having you not there all the time that now your relationship is likely to improve with your son so now when you see him it will be times when you can do very special things with him. Counseling should help, but this is also an age where he really needs his father. And remember , your his mother and he will always love you.

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Ask him what HE wants. Sit down and tell him that he's 13, you want to know what he wants out of his education....then you'll know what direction to take. He might be passive aggressive due to your new marriage and that's something you both need to deal with together....even if he chats with a therapist that isn't about drugging a kid to be just like everybody else, but understands basic needs. I read a great book called, THE DANCE OF ANGER. It was excellent. Also, there is another book called: THE TEENAGER'S SURVIVAL GUIDE that got me through my teens. Start with the 2nd.

I own my own business outside of the home and we have 3 kids. We have been homeschooling our 6 year old who is in 2-3 grades. After kindergarten at a public school, he hated to learn. A lot of people told me that we may need to unschool him and not do anything but maybe sports. In the meantime, you school him, but not use books. Field trips and ask him questions, etc. We did the same thing for our son. I would make some comment and not expand and finally he'd start asking questions. It was awesome and now he is eager to do his homework each day and reads constantly to learn more.

Hope that helps!

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, first of all, 13 is a horrible year. I remember it well. Hormones go wild and all of a sudden, up is down, in is out and blue is red. To add a new family on top of that is hard.
My suggestions:
1. Take him on an errand with you, just the two of you. Let him talk when he is ready. That should help with finding out what is wrong. Don't judge, don't interrupt, just listen. DON'T GET MAD!!! this is how he feels, regardless of the 'reality' of the situation. at 13, reality is very subjective.
2. Sit down with him, away from embarrassment, and talk to him about the consiquenses of not being promoted. He will lose all the friends he has, he will have to sit through the same classes again. He will be older, and bigger, and all the other kids in the class will laugh at him, cause he didn't get promoted.
3. Do have him tested for add/adhd. Do be honest about the results.
4. Then tell him that he is in charge of asking for help, and he is in charge of getting his grades up. He is growing up and he is responsible for his grades. Then drop it. Dont ask. dont nag. just leave it alone. You have done what you can.
5. Talk with your ex. Have your son go to him over the summer break, with the understanding that he WILL be back for the next year, for school. He WILL face the concequenses of not getting better grades. When he calls over the summer, make the time to talk to him. Let him know that you love and miss him (regardless if it is easier without him).
If he gets good grades, reward him. if he fails, oh well. You did what you could. If he comes to you next year and wants to catch up with his friends, help him to do that. If he is motivated, it shouldn't take you past christmas to get him moved up, but talk to his school first...
Good luck.
R.
P.S. My mom sent me to boarding school for high school, but the family drove me there, helped unload, walked around, and came to see me every weekend. I also got letters and care packages, just to let me know they did love me. I did great there and it really helped me to get me out of my environment. It is not the sending off to school that is all bad, or good, it is the attitude of the parents.
As for home schooling, I would save that for if he fails and wants to catch up to his friends.

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as a paraeducator in special ed, the only thing i recommend to you is to get him evaluated. there maybe something that he's going thru or perhaps a learning diability..

hope this helps

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Whatever you do...do not believe that it is just a phase and he will grow out of it. He is crying out for help in the only way he knows how.

I had this same thing with my daughter. It got so bad with her, one teacher had my cell number in hers and would call me 3-4 times a day. She started to throw textboks, in class, knock over desks and much, much more. I was a single parent and was trying all I could think of. She then told a friend, that she wanted to hurt herself and that a member of our family was abusing her, which could not be further from the truth.

I ended up sending her to another state to live with my sister and her husband, who had no kids. I did this at the end of her freshman year, she did not even finish her freshman year. Her grades were all "D's" and "F's". I was at my wit's end.

She just called me yesterday and said, "Mom...mom...go look at my grades." They have them online. So, I did. Well, she has 5 "A's" and 2 "B's". I was ecstatic. She is going to graduate high school in May. This has not been due to a lack of work on my sister and her husband's part. My daughter is truly happy and is doing much better. She is so happy! It is great to see. She will be graduating on time and with a GPA that we both wanted to see her have. Sometimes the school system they are in, just is not a good fit for them.

By the way, I am married now and have 2 little ones. I have a 20 month old and a 10 month old. I will be going through all of this once again. Best of Luck!

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First of all NO teenage boyj wants to live with his mother. He may think the grass is greener but he'll see that it isn't. We had the same problems with one of my step-sons. We sent him to military school his junior year and he did brilliantly. High grades won awards great stuff! We allowed him to come back home his senior year and he dropped out a month before graduation. Home school seems crazy to me. If he isn't going to work for the teachers he definatly won't work for his mom. It's a teenage boy thing. Don't let his desire to live with Dad personally. There are probably many reasons he thinks he wants to live with dad and I think most of those reasons are probably as unrealistic as they would be at your house. Your son is a teen now but will be a man someday and that's when your relationship will really grow strong. Always remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder! All that being said when my baby boy starts acting like a teenager I will feel EXACTLY like you do!! Don't beat yourself up. No teenager likes their authority figure anyway.

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sometimes the hardest things are the best. If you know his dad will be good for him, I would do it. you have tried everything else.

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I read a wonderful book written by the head of Yale's Child Behavior program called Parenting the Defiant Child by Dr. Kazdin. He really emphasized the power of positive rewards, instead of punishing the child. He says the research shows that rewards for good behavior improve the behavior more quickly than any punishment.
Also, it does sound like your child may be depressed. Sometimes even a change of scenery, like an unusual trip, can do wonders to a person's perspective. I had a friend who was deeply depressed and unmotivated and her parents sent her to Paris for her freshman year, and it changed her life. But maybe even a week in another country would enlighten your son about the world's possibilities. It feels like a wider perspective would be what he needs, so he understands that most problems are temporary and the world is a very big place. There is a website called Network for Good that provides ideas for volunteer experiences . There is a program called American Research Center in Egypt where he can spend the summer learning basic Arabic in an archaeologic dig, for example. He could do an "independent study" and get credit if one or more of his teachers could work with him creatively. Some children need to break away from the life that they perceive to be trapping them (and as the daughter of an educator I know that oftentimes teachers are willing to help sponsor a child with a way to educate themselves). Edutopia is a non-profit that emphasizes technology and learning and they may have ideas of ways that a troubled teen could, for instance, interview a special effects person at Lucasfilm (Edutopia is run by George Lucas of Star Wars fame) and report back to his science class as a special study project or even just write up the visit as a report. The idea I'm trying to emphasize is simply that your child is unmotivated and seems unexcited about learning and life at the moment. And the idea is to re-invigorate his interest in the world.

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M.,

I feel your frustration 110%. My daughter, who is now 16, just barely started getting her grades up. Our situations are 110% alike, remarried etc... at one point I was tempted to send her to her father as well.

My point in telling you this is that I understand!!! When her grades first started slipping, I signed her up for Sylvan (she hated it and her grades improved)... maybe this is an option - beware though, it is extremely expensive. The next year, her grades dropped...we were on a constant roller-coaster. Long story short, her sophmore year she became ineligible for track due to her grades - she loves this sport - she's one of the star athletes who lettered her Freshman year). She took it upon herself to get her grades up this year so that she could run. Her semester grades just came out and she is back on the team (junior year).

I know me telling my story isn't alot of help, but what I'm trying to say is that perhaps you have to find something that he will be interested in - he needs to "want" this. I found myself going crazy (and driving her teachers and counselor crazy) by "nagging". Its good that you are catching it now... keep doing what you are doing. All kids are made different - find in him what he needs to be self-motivated. Perhaps take more things that he loves away - maybe that'll motivate him... My daughter was on restriction for an entire summer -- it didn't work... but when she was ineligible for track - IT WORKED!

Lastly, if his father is active in his life and a "good" father, then its not a bad idea. I know it hurts, but if you agree with his parenting style etc., then I don't see the harm. My situation was different... her father was more absent, thus perhaps a reason for her grades as well.

I wish you all the best!

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It sounds like your son has never paid consequences. When my son went through that faze I let him pay the consequences. That is one possiblity, the other is he is bored. Bright children have that in common, they are in with children who need to have things repeated many times, and they get bored. Remember, grades are not really an indication of what your child is capable of, bored children do not see the purpose in busy work. Alot of them while learning the things taught in school, see no reason to prove it. It maybe best if you send him off to live with his father. Or you and your husband can can give him the same respect he gives you.
My son's girlfriend has two children from a previous marriage, the boy (13) started that same behavior with my son, who responded with, you are right, I am not your father and you do not have to do what I say, on the other hand, you are not my son,and I do not have to buy you anthing, in fact feeding you is optional. Many times teenages just don't realize what they are doing, or how it feels. If all that fails, send him to live with his dad.

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Hi there!

I teach Personal Finance at my local high school and this lesson works very well for the unmotivated child. You may want to give it a try.

First, start by asking your son if he ever wants to live on his own. Most kids can't wait for this. Ask him how he's going to pay for this? He'll likely roll his eyes and say "a job." Ask him if he was a business owner would he hire a young person with no experience, who does nothing and earns lousy grades for a job? If you know any business owners, maybe they can back you up by talking about their former employees who were deadbeats and/or attitude problems.

(If living on your own is too far for him to grasp, try buying a car...most kids want to drive as much as they want to move out.)

A twist on this is to have him do some research into the costs of living on his own. Can he do that with a minimum wage job, provided he can find someone to hire him? Have him do the math to figure out how much he needs to earn an hour to live on his own/buy a car/whatever.

Sometimes this dose of reality is enough to snap kids out of their doldrums. In today's economy teens are often the first casualty for job loss. Job competition for typically teenage jobs is fierce. School is his job and he should be practicing now to perfect those essential life skills.

Another twist on this idea is to have him "job shadow" someone in the profession he wants (this week <wink>). Have the person he's shadowing emphasize the educational requirements. I've seen this spark a fire under many students as well.

Good luck,
S.

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I was the exact same way at 13, and continued on for my freshman year of highschool, actually, I got worse. My mom did threaten to give me to the state, out of frustration. It just broke my heart and I acted worse. My sister asked me to come visit her, and I decided to stay for a bit, and I was so miserable after a few months I begged to come home. It was much better after I had a chance to see what I was missing out on, but it did hurt terribly to think my mom wanted me gone. Anyway, I think going to his dad's may help, just make sure he knows that it is killing you inside. Btw, have you tried removing all rewards and fun from his life at home until he changes his behavior? I would definitely have him on "lockdown" until he decides to join the human race and do what needs to be done. Explain that your job is to provide care, while his job is to go to school. If he doesn't do his part, well, maybe some bare minimum living conditions is all you need to do as well. Fair is fair. Dad's house should really be the last step, and I don't know if you guys are there yet.

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You a a kind and loving mom. Certainly get him to talk to a counselor, but maybe it's not a lack of motivation, but a learning disability. Is he having trouble with reading, processing, understanding? Does he hold his writing instrument oddly? Is there a subject he's really interested in, while others just snore? Are his teachers dedicated? It isn't a matter of tug-o-war, he'll be better off with me, no me, because ultimately you need to be a united front together. Are the teachers concerned, dedicated, are they giving you suggestions? Good luck, and be tenacious!

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Hi,

I am responding from the perspective of a mom and also a psychologist (as I am both!) You mention you have been to doctors. Have you had him evaluated by a really good psychotherapist? I am thinking that you have an idea of why he's acting this way (e.g., unhappy at home) but you aren't really sure of that. Take him to someone who can do family interventions with you and your son (and if possible, to involve his father too.) I don't know if you have sole custody or joint custody--if it's joint custody, talk to the therapist about whether they would need release from both parents to provide treatment.

If you live in the San Diego area and need referrals, I can help you with that--let me know. Good luck; it must be so hard!

K.

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Hi there, I have teenagers and know how trying they can be. You're not a failure, but they sure are good at making us feel that way sometimes! Has he been tested for learning issues? If he is bright but not being motivated it's possible that he needs to be taught in a different manner. Also, have you considered that he might be depressed? If I were you I'd find a good reputable therapist and make an appt fast. Good luck

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Let him go. He is at the age where he needs his father and it is obvious he has not bonded with his stepdad. Reverse the custody shcedule for a while.

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This sounds like such a difficult and emotionally charged situation, and is very complex. A few things pop into my mind - never yell and go crazy because that's just going to be big brick wall and teens get nowhere fast with that kind of thing. Also, if he fears his dad, I don't think that will end up to be the best thing for him, as far as living with him every day. So long as he gets to see his dad regularly, I am not getting the impression that you should just cart him off to dad. I think he may end up resenting you for doing that - but that's just what I think upon reading what you've written. And I don't think pulling him from school and homeschooling a kid of that age is gonna be a good thing. I think you need to show him some tough love - the kind of love that says "hey, you gotta get with it - you may not like your step dad, but I love you and I'm here for you, and here are the rules!!!" Of course, all this is "said" through actions, not with words. Positive, positive, positive actions - smiles, daily hugs no matter what, and solutions for him rather than threats. Find ways that are encouraging instead of making the mistake so many parents do by saying something like "if you don't finish this report with a B or C, you're gonna be grounded for the whole week!" etc. etc. There is just no motivation there and it builds resentment - all negative! How about, "I know you can do this, and if you need help (step dad) and I will do our best to help you. When you're done, let's go celebrate, ok?" Which comment would YOU be more likely to work for if you were a delicate teen?
There's a fantastic book I can't recommend enough called "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" by Michael Bradley. Please read it because I know the perspective will be so helpful during this difficult period. Also, statistically, this is when kids' grades drop and they do this kind of thing so don't panic too much!
Feel free to contact me if you'd like to - I've got 2 teens at home!
M.

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First of all I would take him to a doctor and have a blood work up let's make sure there isn't something chemical. Then how about a teenage mentor?? That might just work.

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It looks like you have plenty to read to keep you busy, I just have to add my two cents because your story touched me. Teenagers in of themselves struggle! It is such a tough time, even in the best of situations.
Care about everything with him!
Don't send him away.
Love him till he explodes! Acting out may just be a way of him communicating that 'something' in his life is not right.
Change is hard, even if it's a good change.
Behaving out of fear is sad.
New hubby needs to constantly reach out to your son, your son shouldn't have to ask for love (and more is always welcome).
No matter what;grades,actions,achievements...you love him and won't send him away! Knowing you care and hubby cares, he'll be OK.

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Hi M.,

I have a body-centered therapy practice and see lots of different kinds of people. Reading what you say I immediately think of those I've known who felt angry and disempowered. I'm wondering if your son might be experiencing these feelings in ways that he (and maybe even his father and you) isn't even aware of. I'm wondering if family therapy might be helpful.

Wishing you all the best,
K.

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It sounds to me like your son is seeking your attention. If you send him to live with his father, you'll be sending the message that you've given up on him...I think that is the wrong decision.

Your son has been left out, he is the old family. You have a new husband with new kids, right? Where does your son fit into that? You need to go out of your way to show him on a daily basis how special he is to you...even if he doesn't appear to be receptive. Do you spend any alone time with him? Take him to the movies, just the two of you? Yelling and nagging will only further separate the two of you. You are all he has since his father and family are gone.

I've have been in his place...it is a feeling of isolation...of being all alone in the world. It is your job to give him love, security, and the feeling of being important. Boost up his self-esteem. You are wrong to focus on his grades, fix him from the bottom up. His grades are only a symptom of where he is in life.

Can you remember what it is like to be a teenager? It's tough!

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Since you have the ability to not be working right now, have you considered joining your son at school? Most middle school age students do not want to be seen needing a parent to sit with them at school. Are you aware if the work your son is being asked to do is beyond his academic abilities or not? I teach middle school and most of the students who do not work are the ones who lack the skills and background to complete the tasks required to pass class. There are a couple of kids who could do the work and choose to fail (2 out of 120). You should try to find out if your son truly understands the subject matter before you take disciplinary action.

Good luck to you!

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Have you asked him what the problem is? You didn't mention anything regarding the reason he is so disrspectful to you.
Let him live with his father. Would it be a totally different school? Mybe he needs a fresh start. I'm sure it would be difficult for you, but it's not about you. It's about getting to the root of the problem. If you honestly think that he would better off with his dad, then send him there. Only if he is willing. If he doesn't want to go, don't force it, it may make things worse. You still need to figure out what the big problem is.
Communicaton is the most important thing in your relationship. Remember..............listen to your child twice as long as you talk!!!
Good luck!

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Hi, Very sad story. You need professional advise and certainly home schooling doesn't sound like a good idea.
One thing you didn't mention is what does your child say he wants to do. What does he say when you ask him, "Why are behaving like this?".
Some clues must be coming from him.
Good luck.
B. v. O.

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Is he perhaps "depressed", suffering from depression? The symptoms in children are sometimes like this.

And he seems to 'miss' you and need you more than anything now.

All the best to you,
Susan

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Mz Pat- You are in a difficult situation. Being in a blended family is not easy for anyone, and often times the children sre as my mother would say 'the innocent victims'. I am going to share my 'first impression' of what I felt after reading your blog. It really sounds like your son needs validation that you love him and will always be there for him. Remember, no matter what the situation, his age puts him at a very challenging stage of growth and development. Coupled with being a blended family, and it sounds as if your younger child is from your husband; not your son's father, he is feeling a lot of emotions right now. You are a busy woman, working 40 hours a week and have the kids, yet , if you can find some time and dedicate it to your son- just you and him. No one else, that may help. Give him 2-4 hours a week. Just you and him. Noone else. Sending him to his dad.... eh, kinda sounds like you are talking yourself into sending him to the dad thinking your life and his will be easier. Not so.I totally understand that thought, but if your son says he does not want to go, that may be another thing he holds against you. Raising kids truly is the toughest job I've ever had, but mine are still young 8&10, so even though I am telling you just part of what I am seeing in your situation, every situation is different. You will have to evaluate your situation. You will figure it out,you are the one who loves your son. All I can say, because i have experieenced 'blended families' in various forms, remember that YOU are his mother, and he and you were together before you remarried.He really may be feeling like he has lost you.Hold him, tight. Tell him you love him. If there is resentment, some kind of way it needs to get lost. Stay committed 'mom', don't lose hope, talk to your son. It will be alright. Don't give up. He needs and loves you. Just hold him. Give him big hugs. Even if he resists. My thoughts are with you.

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From my experience having once raised a 13 year old son who is now 34. I raise the question of what else is going on in your son's life that you don't know about or may not be aware of. Who are his friends? Where does he hang out? Is he ditching school? Have there been certain signs of behavior change that perhaps you have missed or have not given much attention to? I believe your son's behavior is a symptom of something else.

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Is it possible he's suffering from depression? I find it very unusual that he just sits in class. Also, have you tried one of those places like "Sylvan Learning Centers" to see if they can help motivate him. Or he may do better in one of those schools where he doesn't go as long and does most of his "homework, reading, etc..." at home. Best of luck to you. I know as parents we just want to raise good kids.

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Wow, this almost sounds like my situation - except no divorce - so our options were private religoius school or homeschool. We wavered so long the private schools wouldn't add him anymore. SO.. I now homeschool my 14 year old eighth grader. Sending him to live with his father is a decision only you can make but when you you say everyone at school really likes him -well this too sounds familiar. My son is smart, etc. but also in no hurry to grow up. He does his own thing. Just this morning before "school" he watched a pokeman cartoon and deconstructed a Dilbert cartoon for my entertainment (good preparation for literary analysis). We lovingly refer to him sometimes as our "baby veal." I only tell you this because if your son has a similar personality living with someone he fears is so antithetical to who he is - can that be good? Back to homeschooling, I found that my son had quite a few gaps in his learning which may never have been addressed had he just changed schools and this became the focus of our school. What should a middle schooler have mastered by now? What will he need to suceed in high school and college? What do we want our child to learn in paticular --everything from the history of art and music to how to cook dishes from around the globe. It has become a family thing - my daughter now wants to homeschool for junior high and nearly everywhere we go the whole family is learning and "homeschooling." It has been time consuming but I expect that to get easier once we get a more set routine. (We were enrolled in CAVA for the second semester of seventh grade and everything was given to us with a set curriculum). This year we went with another charter school and choose our own books,etc.(Did you know that there are chater schools for homeschooling?) We expect our son to attend high school beginning in 10th grade. As for me I had forgotten how much I enjoyed learning, I'm reliving my 'egghead' days (why was I ever ashamed of that?) And I am reminded daily how fleeting my time is with my children --very soon this will just be a memory for my son. I'm glad I can spend this time with him. Lastly don't forget to encourage plenty of 'dude' activities including Boy Scouts. As a matter of fact the Boy Scouts might be an excellent place for your son and his father to meet in the middle and what a rare and great accomplishment for everyone if he were to make it to Eagle scout - schools aren't the only place to shine.

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Hi M., We had the same problem with our second child also a son, he just didn't like school, your son maybe unhappy at home, divorce is hard on children, and som kids don't get over that no matter how long it has been. what your son needs to understand that if he doesn't pick a future for himself, or a future will pick him, and it won't be a future that he would normally choose for himself. I don't think pulling him out of school is the answer, becasue where ever he goes the smae things are going to be expected of him, and you have to have traing and a certificate to home school, and it's not easy. As far as living with his dad, that may be a good idea even for a while, as mom's we can't teach our sons how to be men, and really go after a life for themselves like their father's can do, and he doesn't seem to have a close bond to his step father. The worst think you can do is nag and yell, let your son know what your dreams are for him, ask him what his dreams are for himeself, and just let hime know you are there if/when he needs you, thats what we did with our son, he just turned 22 yeayerday, still doesn't know what he wants to do with his like, but he and his dad are very close, and his dad is helping him work on some choices, and goals that he can reach, so don't give up, at the same time don't push and nag. J. L.

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I noticed no one addressed your question of homeschooling him.
I would ask him if he might be interested in being homeschooled. He may breathe a huge sigh of relief when you ask him. Obviously the school setting he is in isn't working for him.
I have two kids and they have been in private school, homeschool, and public school, and there are pros and cons to each.
But one big plus about homeschooling is it gives them time to focus on the subjects and passions they really DO enjoy and thrive at. You might see a huge change in his personality for the better when he realizes there are some or many things he IS good at and enjoys.
I can honestly say that public school really waters down the subjects and can be SO BORING if you don't have teachers who teach their subjects well and with passion.
Had we not homeschooled, we would have never realized our older son loves history (he only gets a smidgeon of it in public school each year) and is very good at math (because the public school math program is awful and the homeschool program we used is awesome).
Right now the kids are in public school by necessity for me, but they learned a lot more and did a lot better in all subjects when they were homeschooled.
If you need a good starting point with homeschooling, please email me, I can give you some good resources and the name of our old homeschool academy principal, who is wonderful and so helpful.

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Let me start by saying that sometimes kids do resent there parents for remarrying, but you are going to have to sit down and have a talk with him and let him know it is not something you wanted but you and your ex love him just like the day he was born. You have to ask him is there something you are angry about, give him that out. Let him speak and dont get mad about what he says. He seems to need a breakthrough. If letting him live with his father will give that to him, you need to let him go. I know you dont want him to stay with you and fail out of school. Make regular dates with him to get to know him all over again. This is a age kids feel really misunderstood. I built a bond with my son so that if he ever told me anything I would listen and not get mad....as long as he came and told me himself. He tells me everything! Its up to you to build relationship with them and not give up on him. He needs you even if doesnt say it. Let him go and he'll blossom.

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explore homeschooling, you are the only one who can do it. might as well do it rihgt. go to your local homeschool group meet-up, talk to people, it's not that hard as may seem. just don't join ISP or charter - you'll be out of one boiling pot and in to another
Good Luck
V

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well sending him "away" might hurt him more. Kidshave a strange way of making everything their fault. Maybe you should gethiminsome counceling. Also maybehave him tested forany type of learning blocks. He sounds like he goes to public school and with their funding he'll get all the help he needs andalotof 1 on 1. time with a teacher. Also, maybe he is just depressed over all thesituation ofthe divorse. yes 6 years isa long time for us but kids itsjust likeyesturday. and of coarse at dads he listens, its play timeat dads. heonly goes andvisits so dad make it fun. He needs some stability in his life and ofcoarse all those hormonesare reging right about not. I think you should really find him someoneto talk to about what is going on. There are also councelors at theschool "psyciatric" he can talk to. Maybehe'll open up to them.
God bless you and yourfamily. But get a handle on it nowcause once he's 14or 15 thehormones really take over. Takeitfroma mother of2 teenagers. Alotof prayer andsupport groupshelped me. and keep talking to him.

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Please take him to the school coounsler and find out whats going on before you do something youll be soory for good luck ive raised 4 to adult hood with children of their own and know how chalging it can be dont give up on yourself A. of no hills

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sorry to hear that about your son. Sometimes structure and male model are what boys need. Have you thought about boarding schools or military academy for teens? Google and see what's around your area. It may be hard for parents (moms especially) to sent their kids to boarding school, but that may be what they need.

Good luck.

When I divorced my ex, my ex was in the middle of mental problems, so for many many years, I had sole custody, without visitation at all. Over the years, he got himself together and finally got himself really together. When my son was 12, we moved back to Ca from VT. He had always done good (not great) in school. I went one semester to school in OC and then when I moved to San Diego, he asked if he could live with his dad in SF Bay area. It was hard to let him go, the first semester he got 2 F's. I freaked, threatened to drive up there that night. My ex calmed me down by telling me that he was putting our son in private school. The next semester 3 A's, 3 B's and 1 C. He has even improved on that. I am remarried now and when he visits we have a slew of issues with my husband ( when we were dating, my oldest was never here, he met him twice before we got married). My husband does not want a teenager yet. That's another story. back to you! it has mostly worked for me. We text, call or email everyday. I miss him, but I also know he is safe and happy and loves me, not resenting me. This was a leap of faith for me to do, but I talked with my son and my ex and it worked out well. Good luck!