Tantrums,Hitting,Screaming!!??

I recall at a 'mommy and me' class there was an acronym H.A.L.T on the wall and it stood for hungry, angry, lonely tired. (I just googled it to make sure I picked the correct letters/words and I guess they use it for dependency centers too). Anyways, it seems these feelings most often trigger the tantrum. Keep these 4 things in mind to help prevent and/or stop some of the tantrums.

most parents follow one of two methods: ignore the bad behavior... thinking it will go away

or.....not only stopping the behavior, but preventing it. I am a user of this method. When I see behavior escalating, I stop it. I use my words to help the child understand his/her needs & model a better way to cope with the issue. & I do not raise my voice during this event. Phrases such as "please use your words to tell me what's wrong/what you need"...are very beneficial at this point.

& most importantly, please understand this is a normal phase for all children to go thru. At 2, they do not have the ability to comprehend beyond their immediate need. It is up to us to teach how to move on AND that tantrums are unacceptable.

As for the physical end of this, immediately grab those hands & say, "No. We do not hit. You are a good girl, & you need to make your hands behave." As you are saying all of this (& yes, I know it sounds dorky.... but it works.), be sure to give positive vibes....even down to hugging your child. By giving that hug, you are (in a sense) restraining the child.... but they don't realize it. If the anger/frustration/hitting intensifies, then place the child in a bear hug on your lap....furthering the sense of stability coming from you.

& the easiest way to prevent all of this.....is to simply be on top of the action. At age 2, they do require supervision & leadership. You do not need to be a hoverMom....you just simply can't cut a 2yo loose & expect her to behave, especially with a baby around!

There is a reason it's called "the terrible two's". Plus, your little girl seems to have a really strong personality.

At 2 years old, she should have some speech and language skills. Is she talking? Can you understand what she says? If she doesn't talk much or well, ask your pediatrician to find you a speech pathologist who can give her an evaluation. A lot of toddler frustration stems from not being able to effectively communicate what is angering them. As language progresses, if the parents and caregivers handle this phase well, tantrums start to decrease.

At any rate, you and your sister need to put your heads together and come up with a plan to help her. First of all, institute every single time she starts a tantrum saying to her "Use your words." Get down on your knees and look her into her eyes and say it. If she starts hitting, grab her hands with both of yours firmly and don't let go. Say "Hands are for helping, not hurting. You are NOT allowed to hit me." Then you give her words for what she is feeling, like "I know you are sad to go inside now, but it's time for lunch. Let's go eat."

When none of these "heading off at the pass" approaches works, especially at first, take her to her room and close the door and don't let her out. Her room is her safe place. There should be nothing in there that she could hurt herself with. Don't let her know that you're outside in the hallway listening. If she know she has an audience, then she has a reason for a tantrum. Don't give her that reason. If you don't want to keep holding onto the doorknob to prevent her from coming out, turn the knob around so that the lock is on the outside. You don't open the door until the tantrum is over.

When she realizes that tantrums get her NOTHING but put in her room, she will slowly get better. She has to develop out of this AND learn what the consequences are at the same time. You and your sister need to be 100% consistent. Don't take her to the store until she's older.

As far as the baby is concerned, your sister needs to pick her up and deposit her in her room each and every time she tries to hurt the baby. When your daughter is being sweet, she needs to tell her what a good job she is doing and how much the baby loves her. Say things like "Gentle hands with baby, gentle hands..." She needs a lot of positive reinforcement when she's behaving well and deposited in her room RATHER THAN giving her negative attention for bad behavior.

It will take TIME to work through this, mom. Don't be discouraged and don't give up.

It's her age. She's old enough to have an opinion. Not old enough to have control. You need to work with her vs long timeouts that she cannot understand. 2 minutes, tops, for 2 yr olds.

Try redirecting her. "No, we don't hit!" and then take away what she was hitting you with, or direct her to another behavior. When my DD was that age, she threw a fit in a store. My fault. She was tired and hungry and lost it. Sometimes you just need to go "yup, one of those days" and try to move on as best as you can. When you can give her a choice, do so. "Do you want the blue shirt or the green one?" Give her a head's up when things change. "In 5 minutes we are leaving the park." Travel with food. Don't try to do anything important when she is tired. Don't do a ton of errands at once. Try things like grocery delivery. Punctuate a day when you have to be out with something fun for her, like time in the mall play area.

And remember, you are NOT the only parent whose toddler has done the death scream. That little 4 month old will one day do it, too. DD once decided that she was going to shriek after church...in front of the chapel...where another service was starting. All you can do then is pick them up like a football and leave quickly.

Your sister needs to say "No" and redirect her. Or put her in time out. Your DD might be legitimately jealous. Has baby learned anything new? Gotten into the toys?

And I will also say that the time change messed with my DD's head. Even though she's getting enough sleep, it's thrown her off. Maybe that's also part of your DD's problem.

Try something like 1,2,3 magic and ask your sister to try it, too.

Not sure where you get the idea children learn to have tantrums. It is an inborn ability. They have a limited vocabulary, limited understanding of how they relate in the world, they are kids, they have tantrums.

Figure out what she is getting out of it and then address it. Is she attention seeking, tired, trying to get something..... Once you figure out what she is getting out of it, and she is getting something or it wouldn't be continuing, then it is easy to make them stop.

it's good that you're looking for causes, but remember that 2 year olds don't learn to tantrum, it comes very naturally to them!
tantrums are such a PITA because we tend to attribute them to character, when all we're usually dealing with is frustration and inability to communicate, and to cope with strong emotions. so firm, quiet, consistent coping mechanisms are called for, in addition to reasonable attempts to prevent the frustration in the first place.
stores are a big trigger for littles. if you MUST take her, don your psychic armor beforehand (the other shoppers will hate you) and get grimly through it as quickly as possible. don't put on a 'show' of disciplining her for the other parents, or try to appease her. let her roar in a confined space and get in and out.
she canNOT hurt the baby. your sister must stop this behavior before it starts, and it's no good texting you while it's going on. the one who's there is the one who must cope. if your daughter is jealous of the baby, then your sister should try the usual tactics- enlisting her 'help', reminding her to be gentle, preventing her firmly and in no-nonsense tones from coming close when she's in hornet mode (and you can usually tell with 2 year olds.)
your timeouts need to be much shorter. you can use them a lot. do so! but only 2 or 3 minutes at a time at this age. remember, you're not really 'teaching' her not to tantrum (you can't) so much as giving her a chance to calm down. then get down on her level, look her in the eye, and encourage her to use her words. just like adults, littles need to feel they are heard and understood, even if they're too upset and angry to understand their need.
hang in there, mama! i'm reminded of the post the other day from a mama who was sad that her babies are growing up and starting kindergarten! that'll be you before you know it.
:) khairete
S.

babies and kids go through developmental stages... and this includes cognitive and physical changes. Most of which is normal.
"Emotions" in kids this age, is NOT even fully developed yet.
They don't even have deductive and inductive logic fully developed yet. Not even some adults do.
They don't even have socialization fully developed yet. Nor communication. Nor vocabulary. Nor do they even have the ability to know themselves or how to tell you what they are feeling nor the ability to self-reflect and analyze their own behavior and then tell you.
They don't even know when they are tired and need a nap and are hence fussy. They don't even know how to tell you they are hungry, need a snack, or else they will be fussy.
They don't even know how to handle frustration. They don't even have coping-skills yet, because it is taught and per cognitive development.
She is only 2.
And at 3 and 4 years old, it actually is harder. Per age stages.

Kids this age do not even have, fully developed impulse control.
Thus, safety proofing a home is important for these ages.

Even if a kid was raised in a cave by themselves, they would go through developmental age stages and changes in cognition and physical changes too.
Kids are undeveloped.
Not fully developed.
And teaching them concepts, takes all sorts of approaches. But if a child is only "punished" without knowing why or not taught concepts, they still will not learn, the thought process to it.
It takes parental... guidance.

And, kids do things over and over and over.
Just one session of a 10 minute time-out, is not going to extinguish... a behavior.
Some adults still act that way, even if they are grown up.

Time outs alone do not get any message to the kid.
Nor does it work if the child simply does not have the ability or cognition to fully control their cause and effect behaviors.

Guiding and teaching a child, takes, years.
Everyday.

And, for a 2 year old, they can get territorial. Some kids don't like other kids in their home. 2 year olds don't even know how to "share" yet. They aren't even fully socialized. And they do not play interactively yet. They do what is called "parallel play" at this age.
It is developmental, based. And per age stage.

And when she is doing something harmful to another, you remove her.
TELL her why.
By now, the words "danger" and "stop" and "no" should be understood by her.

Maybe, get your daughter in a Preschool program. Just part-time for half days. So that, she is around other kids her age and learns socialization and group dynamics.
At this age, they start to need more... interaction. And with others their own age.
Even a child who has a baby sibling, can get "tired" of being around a baby all the time...and the crying of baby. A toddler child, starts to need their own activities and same-age things to do.

Does your daughter nap?
Sounds like she needs to.
Over-tired kids, can act like that too. They get unglued.
And if going through a growth-spurt they need snacks and good meals.
Or they get fussy.

That's why they call it the "terrible twos." Others can give you advice.

I admit that my almost 3yo has not gone through a tantrum phase. He does get tired and frustrated, though. He's very good at expressing himself verbally, so we rely on talking to him to get us through his rough times. Sometimes I just hold him on my lap and tell him what I think is going on with him or sing his favorite song to him. When I empathize with him, he feels understood and calms down. I also let him know which issues I will entertain and which I won't, by how open-ended my responses to him are and are not. He doesn't scream, but he slapped me just yesterday evening. That was his second time doing that; the first was almost two years ago. I changed my tone (and the look in my eye) and was very stern, and I held him in my arms. I asked him if he was tired and told him that he needed to rest. (Of course, we talked about hitting and usign his hands to love and not hurt. Then, he wanted to have a more in-depth discussion about that.)

It helps me to keep in mind that his behavior is always a symptom, of comfort or of discomfort. I knew that his sleep pattern had been disrupted over the weekend. This leads to a "forced" quiet time and sometimes a nap. I tell him that he needs rest and either hold him on the sofa while I'm kinda lounging or put him in bed (where he has the option to watch TV, read, write, be with his own thoughts). He's a happy camper afterward.

It takes a lot of energy to effectively tend to a child who is having some sort of "fit", so I don't mean to over-simplify this. My immediate go-to has always been eye contact and hugs, with people of all ages. I had years of practice with other children before I had my own. I would empathize with them. I would hug them, being gentle but firm. When they would get too physical, I would grab them and hold as tightly as I could, telling them that I would not let them go, easing up only when they would ease up. Maybe I just always found myself in extreme cases...not sure. I never tried to analyze it. All those kids ended up trusting me, though, and wanting to hang at my side even when their parents were around. Once we got over that initial hump, we never revisited that space.

I really think that the bottom line is that they are frustrated with not being able to communicate effectively...feeling misunderstood and having no control or options when it comes to what happens in their world. I think that it's important to get on their level and help them to see that you get it. That won't always change the outcome because you do have to make the calls, but maybe she'll respond better if you talk to her while you're making those calls. Mine appreciates a heads up or just being included in the planning processes.

Get the book "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson. If you give a warning and then discipline immediately and effectively the very next time a tantrum BEGINS, she'll stop at a warning once she gets the message that it's never allowed. I have three kids with different temperaments, easy, spirited and extremely rageful. They didn't tantrum past 2 because it wasn't an option. The rougher ones take a little more persistence on your part. They're smart so they'll push you in public even if not at home, so be prepared to swoop to restroom or car a few times for discipline to keep consistent. Act IMMEDIATELY and don't get mad. Send the message that it's THEIR behavior, not your temper causing their consequence and they'll control it immediately. Whatever you do do NOT ignore or she'll do it for as long as she wants, and that could be 7 years old...

Time outs are basically ignoring for some kids because they can continue and even escalate tantrums in them, and time out's aren't scary deterrents. It's like asking them to pretend they're being disciplined. (if they work, great, but they're not working for your daughter). If a child WANTS to throw a long tantrum, and you take them to a car or throw them in their room and LET them have a long tantrum, it's a reward. If you want tantrums nipped, you have to nip them. She's tantrumming because she's 2, no other more complicated reason.

Timeout should be her age in minutes - so a 10 min timeout for a 2 yr old is too long.
It's not a punishment so much as it's a redirection away from whatever activity she was having frustration with.
Punishment for a tantrum? - it's tough because they are out of control when they are pitching a fit and there is no reasoning with them while it's in progress - once the tantrum has begun it has to run it's course (once the rock has started rolling down the hill there's a point of no return).
I'd avoid taking her shopping for the next 2 or so years - if you do take her then make sure she's fed and well rested before you go out.
Twos and threes are the big tantrum years.
Our son didn't tantrum often but he did have them from time to time.
I'd haul him off to his room, sit him on my lap in the rocking chair (I crossed my left leg so my ankle was near my right knee, hold my left ankle with my right hand then hold my right arm with my left arm sort of enclosing him in a hold that he couldn't wriggle out of - just be careful she doesn't throw her head backward and bean you on your chin with her head), then loosely hold him so he couldn't get out till he was tired and exhausted.
He'd scream cry and struggle for a half hour sometimes but once it was over he'd want to snuggle and have me read a story to him.
It's like he was almost afraid of how out of control he was when he had a tantrum.
You can't let her hurt anyone or herself.
She'll grow out of it eventually but the next 2 years are going to be challenging for you.

My dd was particularly irritable when she had teething pain. You might check that out. I would give her ice packs to chew on or even the push popsicles (I would cut a hole at the top so she could get some of the juice without choking on the popsicle.

Let me start by saying that these behaviors are natural and that she did not "learn" it anywhere. Again, this is "natural" animal behaviors. What separates us from the animals is learning self-control. That's what she is NOT learning.

If she is being that bad, then the discipline has to be just as severe. I would suggest more than a time out that lasts 2 minutes. That's not long enough to get her attention and she obviously could care less about that little 2 minutes in time out.

I suggest that the very first time she shows aggression toward ANYONE, she is separated from everyone for a significant length of time - and I'm talking HOURS! Make her sit on the couch - nothing to play with. She will probably fall asleep. When she wakes, she stays there. She has to learn that if she doesn't control her behavior and act like a civilized person, she will not get to be around civilized people.

Also, when she does something to the baby, have your sister sit down with her, look her directly in the eyes, and try to get her to empathize with the baby. Talk to her about how she thinks the baby feels when she does these things. It is never too early to teach empathy and apparently your daughter needs a huge dose now!

That is age 2. She might do better in a structured daycare if you can afford it.

I can't have my 2-year-old around the baby. It's difficult and dangerous.