Seeking Advice on 2 Year Old Tantrums

C.,

Do you think that he may be frustrated about trying to communicate with you? I know this is a hard time for language with them - they know so much more than they can communicate to us. We taught our daughter basic sign language for simple things, sleep, eat, drink, more, etc. when she was about a year old and she is 26 months and we haven't had the temper tantrum issues.

Maybe consider checking out a sign language book from the library and trying to teach him some words he may not be able to say??

Hope this helps!

L. Smith
Owner/CEO - Regionz Kidz
http://www.regionzkidz.com

Just a suggestion - hope it helps.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending local Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

You child need to learn sooner than later that they don't run the show. Now is the best time to learn, when the consequences for defying authority are relatively small. The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Welcome to the two's,
Your child will return to being an easy-going guy after he moves through this stage, as long as the stage is handled well.
If parents handle tantrums with a lot of punishment and anger, they may not realize what they’re teaching their child. Believe it or not, they’re teaching their child this is a great way to get attention. Think of what you do when you get mad and think about how it’s translated by the preschool mind.
1. You stop what you’re doing. 2. You turn your head and look directly into his eyes. 3. You give him 100% of your focused attention as you tell him “Use your words, or stop crying or whatever.”
Getting 100% focused attention for a young child is like getting a slice of parent pie. When being corrected he knows the look on your face isn’t the best look he could get, but since he’s young and uses immature reasoning, he figures some parent pie is better than no parent pie, and even angry parent pie still has 100% focused attention attached to it!

It’s not a fully adult way of thinking about things, but there you have it.

The issue with tantrums is the child is still pretty non-verbal and becomes unable to state what he needs when he’s emotional. The child has learned that the most powerful word in his life is NO. His parents use it and now he has developed to the place that he wants to be big like mom and dad, so he will say no too.
The problem is he doesn't know how to control his overwhelming emotions when he realizes that he isn’t getting what he wants and has no idea how to calm down. So speaking to him as he screams only makes it worse and rarely, if ever, stops a tantrum.

Tantrums require pulling the emotional-verbal plug without disengaging the emotional connection. How is that possible? Let me explain.

Tantrums are handled much better when parents stand beside their child as their child is tantruming and pull the emotional-verbal plug without abandoning or sending such a young child to timeout. Try sitting down beside your child—that’s the “staying emotionally connected part”, as long as they aren’t hitting or kicking. Say nothing—that’s the pulling of the “emotional-verbal” plug.
As the child starts to calm give him a hug and just say I know or something like that. Then if teaching needs to happen you have calmed him down and can say whatever you like.
When he screams or tantrums there’s no need to abandon him or punish him at this tender age, just become silent. He simply needs to learn that he is not in charge.

There are also times when he needs to learn you don’t take things you are not supposed to and things like that. My website has a great MINI-seminar it’s #1, called, “No we don’t do that”. It’s exactly what you need in those situations. It’s gentle, loving and uses repetition to make the correction because preschoolers need repetition in order to understand.

Take a look at my website and consider opting-in to our mailing list so you can get the monthly newsletter where we address some of these things plus other fun things. For car seat issues, take a look at MINI-Seminar #8, “Stay beside me right now”.
Good luck, The Mommie Mentor, www.proactiveparenting.net (notice .net)

It sounds like you are doing a good job so far. I think the hardest and most important thing is to stay as patient as possible. My children both went through tantrum stages (particularly the older one), and if she rejected our comfort, then, yes, we just let her work it out. However, I remember the whole car seat issue. There were times when it took two of us to buckle her in, and it was frustrating and awful to be physically restraining her (I think that children need to feel sovereign over their own bodies), but there are those times when you don't have a choice. After one of these incidents, when she had calmed down, I always made sure she knew that I loved her and was not angry and that we could start again.

We didn't give in to her tantrums, and we didn't get mad (well, not when we were at our best), and after a while, she gained control over her behavior and they dissipated. She is a very well-behaved and respectful eight year old these days. It's important to remember that two year olds really don't have impulse control. It's an ability they develop with our support, but it does take time and patience.

Hi There,

As you know, terrible twos are quite common. Some are more severe than others, but most kids do grow out of it. Parenting has a lot to do with it. Some times you can ignore it, if it is something minor. If it is something that is important you can give your child choices. Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt? wearing no shirt is not an option kind of thing. The kids have the feeling of having more control over their own lives. I know it seems a bit young for it, but they really do have their own little minds and opinions at that age and it is important to them to have a say in things, even if they don't realize why yet. It is also a good habit to start while they are very young. I learned about this technique in a parenting course called life in the family zoo. It is by a doctor by the name of John something I think. I still have the program but it is packed away. If you are interested in looking at this, let me know, I will dig it out for you. I have six kids and it helped tremendously. Also I found the best deterent to a tantrum to be a time out. At his age one to two minutes should be good. Also, this is great practice for the teen years, you will feel like they have reverted right back to two again at times. Good luck and God bless, and remember you are not alone.

Hello C..
My son is 2 1/2. I am reaching the same issues that you are. I found the books by Dr. Karp, Happiest Baby on the block, and, pertinent now, Happiest Toddler on the Block, helpful in dealing with tantrum behavior. Obviously, some things are not negotiable, but some are, and being able to communicate at a 2 year olds level can really help. I don't find distraction to be all that helpful any more. My child is reaching the point that he remembers after being distracted what he was on about. Kind of limits that tool's usability. And ignoring is just not an option most times, as you know. Karp offers perspective on your child's cognitive ability, and how to communicate with them more effectively. I don't agree with everything he suggests, but most of it has worked out for me quite well.
Good luck, and hang in there. I'm in it with you.

Some kids, even with the best parents, seem to be more prone to tantrums than others. IMHO, time out-punishment during an episode is counterproductive (majority of the time). They are trying to express frustration over not having control to make decisions for themselves. Which is why giving them a warning (2 minutes until we have to turn the TV off) and then giving them a choice at that time (would you like to turn the TV off or would you like Mom to?) whenever possible seems to work for my 3 yr old. I ALWAYS give 5 and 1 minute warning when we are going to be leaving somewhere and we might meet a little resistance, but rarely does it result in much crying. Over things that don't matter, I let them choose (before a tantrum occurs), if my 2 yr old was running away from me when I'm trying to get shoes on to leave, I would say, ok, we'll put your shoes on when we get there. Usually, he would either decide that he did want his shoes on now, or we would get in the car, bring the shoes and put them on when we got there. I'm just trying to give a few examples of how I think choices help diffuse the situation before it starts. Once they calm down, I try to explain that if they want something, they need to try to tell me with words, crying won't help or something like that and then when they're calm we try to discuss what exactly is the problem and what he *should* have said instead of crying, then we practice.

My favorite sayings are: "This too shal pass." and "Today is only a memory tomorrow." Its just a phase... use plenty of distractions, have a faviorite toy in the car, sing silly songs and have him join in. Give 5 min advance notice on every thing.. and do a sort of count down.. 5 min to go... 3 min to go.. 1 min to go... ok we are going. Let him make some choices, do you want carrots or green beans... not to many choices at a time, just one or two. And those day when noting works, send him to his room for a bit so you can re-group.

I know what you are going thru and I feel for you. Try giving him plenty of advanced notice. When this show is over we are going to take a bath or when the timer goes off it is time to get in the car. That is what seemed to work for my daughter. As long as she knew what to expect, the tantrums got fewer and farther between. Also, allow him to make some choices. That way he feels he has some control. Does he want bubbles in the bath or not. What shoes does he want to wear, etc. Take heart. This is just a phase and it will pass. Hang in there.

Something that has worked for us has been distraction. I usually ignore the behavior and say something like, "Hey look, there's a bird in the tree, what do birds say?" Here are some other examples:

If he won't get in the bath: Get in the bath yourself and say, "Wow, this is so much fun! Oh my! Silly me! I forgot to take off my clothes. Hurry, let's see who can take off their clothes the fastest!" Of course, you don't take your clothes off, but perhaps he will start to take his off.

If he won't get in the car: Say, "That's okay, I can fit in your carseat!" Start to get in the car through the back door, that will send him into fits of laughter! OR say, "Oh my goodness, I can't seem to remember how to buckle your carseat, do you think you can help me?"

If he wants a snack or toy at the store: Say,"Me too, me too! I am so hungry or I love that toy too, but we are not getting a snack or toy today, let's see how many grocery carts we can count?"

If he won't go to bed: Say, "Can you please read me a book tonight, I am way too tired, I would love it if I could just lay here right in your bed and go to sleep!"

These ideas will help to distract your son and get his attention on to something more fun! Life is supposed to be fun and memorable! Make memories with your son, be silly and enjoy life. Show him that there is no time in your schedule for silly fits, fun comes first! I don't know if this has worked for anyone else, but it has on my two children and the many other children I have cared for in my childcare career! Have fun and good luck!