Hitting and Throwing

Hi S.,
I agree with the responses about language barrier being a huge cause at this stage. My daughter is 2 1/2 and is still not speaking very much so when she gets frustrated/angry and begins to act out it's really the fact that she cannot communicate her frustration to us. If she's having a melt down I usually just leave her be and she gets over it very quickly. She'll typically just sit and cry for a bit. Of course if it seems like what she's doing could be dangerous I step in. During a melt down our children cannot think rationally so telling them "no hit" or "we do not throw" (which I have been guitly of too) means nothing to them and will not do a thing for them. Our kids get overwhelmed, overstimulated and we need to know when to just step back and let them figure it out. Sometimes that is the best thing for them. After my daughter has calmed down I hug and love on her and tell her that I love her.

I'm a firm believer in time out. I would suggest putting her somewhere else other than her room. You don't want to associate her room with bad behavior. Eventually that could lead into her not wanting to go near her room which of course creates even more issues. We use the bottom step of our staircase which is in a part of our house where I can see her easily and make sure she's staything there. There are no toys or anything to distract my daughter there either.

My sister gave me the Supernanny book for my birthday and it is wonderful!! It has so many great, practical tips. I would highly recommend it! Good luck with your daughter! Just be consistant and continue to show her how much you love her despite the lovely behavior our toddlers can have! :) God bless!!

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Ignore it!!! Take the toys she is throwing and put them up. When she throws them walk over and take it and put it up where she can not get it. Do not make eye contact with her or talk to her. If she is hitting you do not give it attention, even negative attention is attention during a tantrum. She will stop, it may take a few days or even a week, but it will stop. My daughter used to bang her head on the floor and I completely ignored it, she stopped after about 2 fits.

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Continue letting her know its not ok.
At her age her emotions are undescribeable. She hasn't mastered the language yet. Toddlers are stubborn and need consistency so keep on letting her know that she will get a negative reaction if she behaves negatively. It will take time, but she'll get it...

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I have four and two year old boys. They have always had tantrums. My oldest was a little worse with his when he was 2. My two year old has tantrums half the time because he sees his brother have them.
I was told that it was because they could not communicate. Well, now they both communicate and talk fine and well enough to get their points across. But they still have tantrums.
I was also told that if the problem does not get ressolved the behavior becomes something that they do because it is something they have become accustomed to doing and they know that it will get them what they want.
Anyway when I was telling my 4 year old's preschool teacher about the behavior she had no idea what I was talking about. She said she has never experienced it and my son has always been helpful and co-ooperative in class!! This made me a little angry because I could not figure out why he was giving me such a hard time.
His teacher said that the kids never get something for nothing. They always have to do what they are told before they get their way.
I'm still working on this at home and it's getting better.

I recommend the book Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. The techniques worked like a charm with my grandson.

Keep correcting the behavior. Then ask her if she can show you what she wants. I would have my kids take me by the hand and show me things. Sometimes it's simple, like a drink and I wasn't listening and sometimes they just don't have the words to tell you. That's part of this developmental stage, but don't let it continue or it will only get worse.

We had some problems with our 21 month old too with listening, hitting, etc. So we set up the playpen in the dining room (which is away from the rest of the house) When he does something that warrents a timeout I put him in there. At first he had a lot of fun and treated like a WWF wrestling ring bouncing off the net walls and falling and laughing. But then after a few more times he got the hint and doesnt like it. I make sure I say "timeout" when I put him in so he knows what the word means and now all I have to say is do you want a timeout and he shapes up. The "pen" offers a safe environment for his timeout. Putting him in a corner or chair....well mine would never stay. It works for me good luck.

Take the toys away. Definitely until she understands not to throw them at you when she's having a hissy.

sorry but I'm from the generation that uses a good swift swat on the keister to break the tantrum. Great distraction. Then you explain why. Then you get hugs and apologies. Be consistent.

We went through the same exact thing with my daughter around that age. It's hard because they can't communicate verbally so they act out in throwing things (even when they know it's wrong). What we did was continually tell our daughter "It's OK to be mad at mommy/daddy but you CANNOT hit or throw things. That hurts! Just tell us, 'I'm mad at you'". You can follow that up with time outs if need be. But the key is to be consistent! Or if she's just throwing a tantrum without hitting/throwing things, you can simply walk away (as long as you know she's not in danger). I know it sounds silly to explain this to a 14 month old but they eventually get it. Soon after we started this, my daughter stopped hitting and just started saying "No like that!" when something made her angry. And then she and I would talk about it. I know a lot of people think it's silly to try to talk logically to a young child but it eventually helps. It also teaches them that it's better to talk through anger than to let it fester and eventually explode. And with the tantrums, walking away was very effective (because she was just doing that to get attention).

Her inability to use words to express her feelings is at the heart of this, and that will improve over time. I wouldn't make too much of this but I would stop the hitting gently, kindly but firmly every single time. Sounds like you're doing a good job. Just be gentle and sweet and guide her in the direction you want her to go. Sometimes it helps for you to say what she's feeling for her as you deal with this: "You're feeling tired, you're really getting upset, you really don't want to stop playing right now, etc."

Hi S.,
I am a mother of 3 and experienced a similar situation with our daughter when she was the same age. She began to bite. I am also a behavioral therapist and work with families and children. I teach a class entitled surviving the toddler years and beyond. What often happens is that as children are approaching toddlerhood, they are learning how to express themselves. If they receive a reaction even once for a behavior they are likely to repeat it. I have found that as parents we spend so much time telling our kids what they shouldn't be doing, we forget to tell them what they should do. With my daughter, every time she bit (mostly when she was angry about some thing), we said No Bite. If you are mad, do this (pound fist on table). Then we would model the desired behavior and prompt her to do it. Then we would respond and say "oh you are mad..." and talk to her on her level about why she is mad. This made all the difference and pretty soon the biting disappeared. It's hard to punish a child for exhibiting a behavior when they might not know any other way to express their anger. This will give her the tools.
Hope this helps. I know how frustrating it can be when your child hits or bites! L.

Hi S.,
Be consistant. Sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. You are just going to have to do it over and over. My first son was very easy going and we never had a problem with throwing things. My second is quite a handful sometimes. He did what your daughter is doing. We did want you are doing and it worked you just have to do it over and over. Good luck.
Chris

You could also try holding her (almost like swaddling) and softly saying "I will hold you until you can calm down", or something to that effect. I found that trying to tell my son "NO HITTING" doesn't really work while he's having the meltdown but talking calmly afterward does. He can actually absorb what I'm saying when he's calm.

Hello S., The best thing you can do is to make sure she gets no attention for her behavior. Instead of taking her to a time out, due to her age, YOU leave her! Just walk away. Don't talk to her or look at her. Simply walk away for a minute and a half. If she follows you, keep ingnoring her. This age wants to be front and center of everyones attention, so when it is removed it will rock her world. Her fits will get worst the first few times, but don't allow your emotions to over ride the situatation. Other wise she will be the one in control. Small but mighty!! When my oldest was this age she held her breath until she passed out, so I know how hard it is to walk away. Good luck.

Hi S., it sounds like you've received good responses... I really like what Linda said. I'm responding because I have a 17 month old that sounds similar. I was very perplexed by his tantrum throwing and face hitting because he has never seen this behavior modeled. His father and I are older, very calm and affectionate so I just could not understand. I wanted to blame it on his daycare but it started when he was home for 2 weeks from daycare and he doesn't exhibit the behavior while there.
My daycare provider said instead of "no" or any real elaborate response (which at this age will only promote the behavior).. To simply say "nice hands" and provide an example of nice hands. Since I began doing this the face hitting has almost completely stopped. However the tantrums continue but to a lesser degree. I think it's the only way they know to communicate anger so it will probably get better when they can communicate verbally.

Anyway, best of luck.. I sincerely understand where you are coming from.

I have found that putting a toy in "time-out" works better then putting my son in time-out. When my son throws a toy, it goes up on the table for a few minutes.

A major thing is encouraging her to use words. I repeat the phrase "use your words" ALL day long. Since she may not have those verbal skills yet, you need to give her the words when she gets angry and frustrated.

Good luck!

S. - she's obviously frustrated and because she's only a baby and can't talk throwing and hitting is how she's communicating. Does she start having tantrums when you say no to her? If so, reduce the number of `no's you give her - try really hard to speak in a gentle kind voice and when you want her to do something different give her a more appealing alternative. I've really noticed that parents who are really patient with kids and try to be kind at all times have happier children. I wouldn't hold her arms when she hits - just try to ignore it. Remember she's only very small and will grow out of it - Alison

continue with what you are doing.. her behaviour will improve as she learns to talk.. I thing 14-18 months is a very hard age... the babies are completely mobile and they know exactly what they want but they really cant talk much to communicate their needs..

My son is 20 months and he is starting to get better.