"Tantrums" - California,MD

My 4yr old son is going through a tantrum bout (it goes in waves) and what I have found to be most effective when we are at home is to make observation statements and leave the room. For instance, when he is throwing a fit about getting dressed in the morning--screaming, crying, yelling, flailing about--I say please get dressed (calmly) and then I leave the room, then a few minutes later I come back and say "I see you have not gotten dressed yet" then I leave the room. When his tantrum is over and he is dressed, I get down to his level, give him a hug and validate his emotions. "I know you were upset but I am glad that you got dressed for me." I am not rewarding his tantrum but just acknowledging that he did accomplish the task. It sounds crazy but his tantrums have gone from 20min to 5min to minimal.
I feel that by not feeding into the emotions he is left to deal with them and as adults we know that we are the best at calming ourselves down. Whenever I get angry or I try to tell him to "Just, stop it!" it just escaletes the emotion and is ineffective.
Hope this helps,
Suzy and her men

All the problems you describe are incredibly common, and all are addressed brilliantly in the practical little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. These long-time parenting workshop leaders show the hows and whys of connecting with the kids first, by showing them empathy for the desires and needs they are expressing, then effectively leading them toward what you want and need from them.

This sounds cumbersome, but it is not. With just a little practice, parents are able to have a more peaceful home experience, and kids learn more mature and sensible means of expressing themselves and solving their own problems. I've used these techniques for the last couple of years with my grandson (going on 5), and we have amazingly great teamwork. Kids actually love this approach and work hard to make "their" solutions succeed.

Video tape the episode and then have them watch it so they can see how lame they look having their little tirade. I actually just watched an old Andy Griffith show yesterday that had Opie doing a tantrum because one of his friends told him that it always works for him so he can get his way. Andy just looked at Opie and said "what are you doing?" and then went back to reading his newspaper. If the tantrums get a response from you that feels good to them they will continue to do it. I't YOUR response they are looking for, so figure out how to make it not a fun experience. Get creative. Maybe you can find that andy griffith show online and play it to them, the oldest is definitely old enough to understand how cuckoo they look when acting out.
It's just a new communication skill they are trying out... nip it in the bud so it's a short phase.

Well I had this problem with both of my kids my daughter first. She was the first girl in 2 generations on my dads side. So she was a little spoiled and to say the least had me wrapped around her little finger. Then with my son being a guy you always want a son to carry on the last name yada, yada, yada. So his mom babied him to no ends. Well I grew up in a very strict household and my mom would kick my butt in stores if she saw other kids misbehaving then get after me "don't ever let me see you act like that!" Well I always wanted to do things a little different. So I tried spanking a little but always felt bad afterward. My dad use to always yell at us alot, but he was field artillery for many years so we being kids did not know he was partially deaf and never knew he didn't know he was yelling but his attitude and angry face made us know he meant business. So I used this approach with my kids. I would speak loudly with stern look and act crazy. It had worked, my son and daughter almost never do anything to warrant anything past this. We have a very strong relationship and I am a single dad but I think we understand each other and I am glad to say I have only spanked my kids a hand full of times in their entire life and not once in about 3 years.

Sometimes, if you whisper, they hear you more than when you yell. They also have to stop the tantrum or the whining to hear you, and you can say, that they are obviously in control if that is the case. Might not work for the three year old, but it probably will get your older twos attention, they won't be able to resist tempering it to find out what you said!

Sounds like you are on the right path.

M.

Fit pitching in our house is not tolerated. My 1 year old knows that as soon as it starts he'll be directed to the laundry room to "work it out" and he will come out when he's done pitching his fit. My 4 year old knows it as well. As soon as it starts we squash it with, "Laundry room, and come see me when you're done." They both are learning that if they really want something begging, pleading and whining are the LAST things they should do to get them. I ALWAYS give a reason for a no and if I don't have a reason, then I say yes.

I also give choices where they know if they don't do what is asked there is a consequence. "Do you want to pick up your toys and put them away, or do you want to spend some time in timeout first?" When the whiny comes out I say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak whinese and when you're ready to talk to me without whining I'm ready to listen."

I use these methods with my children and my daycare children as well. Fun things like television, coloring, games, etc. are privileges that can be earned and lost based on behavior. The only givens in our house are food, clothes, shelter and love.

Our kids are like this. I ignore the 4 year old, my husband yells at him. For the 7 yo, she is becoming more and more of a drama queen. If I talk sternly to her, she accuses me of yelling. I told her today that I will now tell her only once not to do something, if she continues or whines, it is a time out and yelling from me. We will see if it works.

My Girlfriend said to try whispering to them and tell them to use their words. Being consistent is also a key.

I find that if my 2yro is getting whiny, then I do a calming time out in my arms in the rocking chair with his blanket. That seems to settle him down. But rest assured this is them testing their limits.