Suspicious School Counselor

Wow I am really surprised at these responses...or maybe not.
I work in an elementary school with a wonderful pyschologist and two fantastic resource teachers. They absolutely care about the kids in our school, I have never seen them as judgemental, controlling or politically motivated. And yes, one of my own kids has been served by them.
Please don't be so defensive. Take an honest look at what is going on with your stepson. If his temper flare ups have only "mostly" gone away then he still has issues. The counselor would never make a call based on seeing one lunch, there must be a pattern (personally I'm wondering why he's making his own lunches?) As far as sleep goes, just because your stepson says he's getting enough sleep doesn't mean he is. Maybe he wakes up often and has a hard time going back to sleep?
Talk to the counselor, be honest and open about your concerns. Work together to figure out how to best help your stepson. That's the most important thing :)

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I am a medical professional, so I can tell you that in most states it is demanded by law that we investigate or report any child situations that seem neglectful, etc. So don't over-react, the counselor is doing the job she is paid to do. If you left your child in counseling because it was "free" you might want to look at your motivations more closely. Also, if your child is making his own lunches, and you are not double checking, why is that? How old is he? Fruit and nutgrain bar are add-ons to a nutritious meal, not the meal. If your child is telling this woman he is hungry, and tired, there is probably some truth in it. You might look more carefully at your parenting style and back off the defensiveness. If your household has 4 boys and you are hanging in, you deserve a lot of credit, and maybe just some minor changes will quiet things down. Good luck. Mamaterri

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I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this. I want to just offer my support in your decision to use the counseling that was available to you and to also support your decision to end it. You should be able to express your honest concerns that you mentioned here to us. You and your husband should go in together as a unified force and clearly state your thoughts. You could also write it down in a very clear concise letter that states your position without any emotion. This is your right and privaledge as a parent to raise your son how you choose. This is something for all parents to be concerned about with legislation that is trying to be passed and in some states it has already. The legislation would mandate that all public schools have counselers to assess the health and well being of all children giving them legal power to bring your family before a court if they so choose. The Center for Constitutional Rights are fighting battles like this for many families and CCR is currently working towards maintaining parents rights under the constitution of the UN. You might want to check out the CCR website and find out what other legal advice they might offer. I wish your family the best!

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I'm guessing that things probably are just fine at your house, but if I was an adult that heard that an elementary school kid was responsible for 'making his own lunch' I would be very concerned. Elementary school is way too young to be responsible for that. You or your husband should be making their lunches everyday or making sure they have lunch money. If the kids want to have input, they should be helping the night before to pack the basics of their lunches, but the responsibility for their food and nutrition lies with you both as their parents. I packed lunches for my kids (boys) every day all the way through high school. The lunches were basic brown bag lunches - sandwich, carrots or celery, 2-3 small cookies, an apple and a drink (box or pouch). On special food days in the cafeteria, they bought their lunch. When they had sports after school, then a nutrition/granola bar went with them to eat before sports. It wasn't glamorous or fancy, but it worked for them and for me as a single parent. They never had to worry about food or be stressed about it in all the chaos that occurs in the morning trying to get they out the door to catch the bus to school. Pack everyone's lunch every day - it will do wonders for all. Take care and good luck with your boys. -J.

"Thank you very much for your counsel, it has been very helpful, if we need your services in the future I have your number." Short and to the point.
My dear you are facing what has become an issue in this country, in my opinion. Overzealous people looking for something wrong. Simple things like a scrape or a child that is not hungry (gee we ALL have those times, don't we? Why do we expect that our children won't? And I want fruit loops for lunch!) or a child with a strong will (oy,I have a few of those) has "issues".
Trust your gut. If your child is eating normally and progressing along his weight/height growth chart for his age...relax! If he is sleeping through the night and getting enough exercise then what is the issue? If he is out spoken then keep stressing the point of being polite and reward good behavior.
If you really need to fight fire with fire then take him to a child psychologist for an evaluation. (I can recommend a good one in Pleasanton) I personally think you need to talk to the principal if this persists.
It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. =)

Hi R.
First of all she just trying to do her Job now have a meeting with the principle and her and your self and explaine what you just wrote in fact print this out and read it just the way it is she'll understand Good Luck
D. Mom of four
P.s. do it Today

Dear R.,
I'm a third grade teacher and I think you almost answered your own question. You did a beautiful job of explaining what's happening with your boy and what you think the assumptions are of the counselor. You should make an appt with her and tell HER everything you said in your letter. You are a generous person in saying that you know she has good intentions. Tell her that at the start of the conversation to not put her on the defensive and then be very clear about the fact that you are taking good care of your child and resent her thinking otherwise. She probably knows of other cases where there really is neglect, so will be glad to know that in this case your child is well taken care of.
But do let her know how you feel. It will help both of you. (And your boy too.)

Since when do we let people go through our kids lunches? I too was threatened by this. My child would rather play than "waste" his recess. I tried to fight it, but realized real soon, that you can't win against the school.....needless to say, we are very happy in a private school. Good Luck!

Sorry this response is late because I just got caught up on my mama source back-issues. You go with your gut feeling. I almost did the couseling thing but once when another counselor stepped to get information because I was thinking of "out of school" counseling as well and wanted to gather information the school counselor volunteered the information that we were late to school a few times as if I were a bad parent and this didn't have anything to do with the counseling so I decided against it. Also, I thought that I would rather not have them think any related school incidents as he got older were somehow related to counseling and study problems and this was just to find out why he was daydreaming so much. I think school and home life should be private because this goes on the record. Try a church or out source the counseling . They have a lot of free programs. Don't feel bad about pulling him out. Tell them that you are taking him to an "outside" source. Good luck and let me know if you need to talk because I totally understand.

This is a scary problem, especially if you're in Contra Costa County, which seems to have some of the nuttiest CPS workers on the planet. If you have a reasonable amount of money, a husband who has a job, and your house is halfway clean they probably won't bother you, and you can tell the counselor that you don't like her patronizing attitude, and you're done with counseling. But if you're poor, or a single mother, or if you're Black, or even if you're just a messy housekeeper, be careful. Some of them will just assume you're neglecting or abusing your kids, and you should probably smile and nod through a few more sessions before you bow out quietly. Believe me, I'm in a position to know.

Sometimes people are so hell bent on making a difference that they have to cross the line to feel that they matter at their job.

I really have no advice on this, however I did want to prepare you that there is a very good chance that child protective services will be at your door or calling.

She is a mandated reporter, and if she even thinks that something is going on she has to call. Although she didn't have a good reason to look in his lunch, and was most likely prodding for the answers that she got (and probably wanted), in my experience they will probably be sent out.

If it were me I would just tell her that you are going to seek private counseling. Don't go into any more detail, or offer any other explanation. She only needs to know that any problems will be taken care of elsewhere.

You never said how old the child was, that could make a big difference in how people respond to your questions.

A counselors job is to dig deep and get to the root of the problems and often times you may not like what they have to say. However, you said it yourself, "she made assumptions" Now it is up to you to disprove those assumptions.

Don't go on the defensive because all that will do is send up flags that may or may not being saying you have something to hide.

Tell her you also noticed that he has been eating excessively, even two meals for dinner one night. Ask her if it would be a good idea to keep a journal of his eating habits for a week and see what it shows in a bigger picture.

It seems odd that she would say he was malnourished just because she caught him eating fruit loops one day for lunch instead of a sandwich.

Which brings me back to how old your child is and why is he packing his own lunch?? And even if he is old enough to pack his own lunch, a quick glance to make sure he is packing the right foods isn't a bad thing. ALL kids will try to get away with sneaking in food that isn't allowed if they can.

You also mentioned that the reason you wer going to see the counselor was because of "sudden temper flare-ups" which were "mostly" gone now....

Just because he is improving doesn't mean the problem is fixed. Stopping counseling abruptly may cause the problem to flare back up.

You also said that you were a stepparent. Which leads me to this next question. What is the custody arrangement with the child between both sets of parents? It could be he may not be getting enough to eat at the other parent's house. NOW...that doesn't mean you guys go after the other parent and start drilling them about how things are done at their house. I would ask them if they would be willing to help you track his food intake so that the counselor can see the entire picture.

Although that does imply that both families have a good enough relationship to be able to work together on these issues. I realize with alot of split families it doesn't always work that way. It's going to come down to how you ask so that they don't go on the defensive as well.

Good luck !!

How upsetting. I too dealt with a situation in which one of my sons told me that he was throwing his lunch away every day because he did not like it. He said he wanted just water, fruit and a granola bar. When we did that, he told his teacher he was really hungry and showed her his meager lunch. I spoke with her to clarify.

It sounds like you have already spoken with her, but I would schedule a face-to-face meeting with her and reiterate most of what you've said here. Let her know how uncomfortable you felt and express your concern that she might conclude that your son isn't getting what he needs at home. Hopefully, this communication will ease your mind and hers. Then, a few months from now, you can discontinue counseling without appearing to react directly to this situation.

If you feel that you already expressed yourself to her, to no avail, I would schedule a meeting with the vice principal who is over the counseling department. This might create tension with the counselor, and may hasten the end of counseling, for that matter.

I wish you all the best. I've found that it's best to meet suspicion head-on and not let it fester, as it can cause unnecessary problems down the line.

OMG! I'd be furious!

First, also being a loving-stepmom myself, this could be tricky for you. If their mom is COMPLETELY out of their lives, then you can 'run with this'......however, if not, then you might want to guide your hubby through it, having him doing all the calling and appointments.

Does your son often "exagerate the truth", or is this a new thing? I ask because you almost sounded "shocked" that he would lie about his eating and sleeping.

Sometimes, after counseling, our kids realize WHY they are seeing someone....they understand that the counselor is a person who tries to help them with their problems....... Anyway, I don't know why, but (in my experience) they DO begin to exagerate their life to their counselor...... I don't know if it's because they THINK they need to come up with something to talk about, or what.......our situation never got as far as being called like you did....oh! That would infuriate me!

Elementary students are still innocent and sweet, so I really don't hold blame on your stepson as he felt he was doing the right thing, even if it was a lie. But, he IS old enough to understand why he SHOULDN'T be saying things that are not true.... hence CPS, etc.... perhaps this should be discussed with him. I think he will feel embarrassed about it, knowing he has a loving home, so I would start out easy on him :O)

I agree to get him a physical with his Dr. You need something documented that he was medically fine around the same time that the counselor called you.

It's not necessary yet, because you will be canceling your counseling, but you might want to see the Principal to "keep him in the loop" of everything. Should things continue to go "bad" you have made yourself understood. In my experience, Principals are defensive when you approach them about their Staff.....so don't forget to start off about how much "she has helped you and your son" :O)

When you cancel counseling it can be simple, "Thank you for your time and observations, as they have really helped with Timmy's frustrations. I would like to see how he does by himself for awhile. I have your number if we need to continue our sessions.".....you don't owe anything more, and even that is probably too nice, but you want it to end decent if possible....

I'm curious what age he is, because my son went through a couple of frustrating years around 4th & 5th grade. He did well, however, I noticed at home his frustration for school for the first time. His friends were going through the same problem (after talking with their moms).

On a positive note, she IS probably trying to do her job. It sorta makes me happy that a school counselor is actually trying to prevent a child from being in a bad home..... she might be out of options with 'Timmy' because she cannot find a link to his frustrations.....so, it MUST BE his "homelife", the eating, the sleeping, the scratch.... it all makes sense now to her....

I don't know......I'm just trying to help! I think I've calmed down now :O) Good luck with this~

~N. :O)

This is the kind of thing that scares the daylights out of me. Just to cover yourself, make an appointment with the pediatrician for a well-child visit. This way, you will have documented with a trusted source (a doctor specializing in what grade school boys look and act like) that your son is not being abused in any way.

Then, tell the counselor that her services are not needed any longer. If she asks why, you can tell her that you took your son to his doctor to ensure that he is not sleep-deprived, malnourished, or anything else, and additionally, your son is no longer acting out - ergo, no counseling needed. If she pushes it any further, speak with the principal or school district. Clearly this counselor is asking leading questions, and many children feel compelled to give answers that will make the adult happy, rather than giving truthful answers. It serves nobody's best interest for counselors to go chasing around families that don't need chasing. Surely there are kids in the school with real problems that she should be addressing??

Considering you are dealing with a mandated reporter I would go to the principal with your concerns. I do feel that the councelor is being a little over zelous (sp?) and jumping to conclusions. But, I feel that if you get the principal involved then you can have someone on the outside to help you with out causing any waves. Sorry there isn't much more I can offer. Good luck!

I would sit down and talk with the counselor about your feelings. Honestly, it just sounds like she is doing her job. I think it's better for her to be concerned about all kids in case something really is going on. I would rather have parents be frustrated about her being too intrusive, than have children who are actually being neglected or abused- be overlooked. It sounds like she sincerely cares about your child, as do you, so communication should clear up misunderstandings. Good luck.

I believe you should share your concearns with her. Explain yourbackground, say something like "it is wonderful to know that there is people like you that are so concearned about our children....but I just want to make it clear thet I am too. I would welcome you in my house to see how we live. If you observe, how my soon is always too school on time, does his homeworks etc..you will see we are not neglectful parents. ..." Anyway..I just think you should talk to her, don;t let it slip away.

If I were in your situation I'd go over the counselors head. I'd go right to the principal of the school with what you've written here (possibly edited a little so it seems as if you were writing directly to the principal, a letter less asking for advice but more of an informative "this is what's happening" type letter) and tell the principal that you are removing your son from their free school counseling. Then I'd tell your son that he is not to go back to the counselor and let the principal deal with it. Screw what they think. Trust your gut.

Hi R.

Another way to look at this instead of personalizing it so much is to be happy that someone at a school is actually concerned enough to mention any of this to you. Sadly, many kids do go to school hungry and don't get enough to eat. Oh sure, maybe her approach could have been different, but on the other hand, be glad she had the courage to speak up. How many times to actual incidents go unreported , tons!
As for your child, maybe he isn't getting enough sleep (to HIS liking) and maybe he is more hungry than you realize or not so much hungry (that is an outward sign of NOT getting enough vitamins and minerals) so his body is craving more food than usual.
Also, He was simply voicing his feelings to his teacher who took notice. Instead of him packing his own lunch, is there anyway you can do it? This way he is assured of getting enough quality and not able to slip fruit loops into his lunch. IF he is eating that kind of food (this includes nutrigrain bars which are worthless and processed)then I really don't consider it quality food. Don't let the label sell you on it...

I wouldn't be too upset that a teacher stepped up.. nowadays, I applaud anyone who has courage enough to speak up. Also, the teacher's job is to advocate for your child not you. Can you imagine if she had to cherry pick to decide which child is truly being neglected and which ones aren't. Be glad someone is there at school looking out for your child. If you know you are doing your best for the child, then you have nothing to worry about. This isn't about you... it 's about your child. The teacher just wants the best for him.

try (easier said than done!) to remember it's her job to make sure your son is ok, and she's just doing her job based on info your SON has given to her, just following up. like u, it sounds as though she has your son's best interest in mind. it likely sounds intrusive but also seems like she wants to help him and your family....if there's nothing that needs "fixing" then no biggie, just simple asking. be thankful someone else is looking out for him! and, of course, if some of her questions really ARE too intrusive, it's ok to say so and not answer. good luck and keep up the great work!

Hi R.,

I have been a teacher for many years. Go to the counselor, principal, or superintendent to voice your concerns. Explain as you did in this letter. Stay calm and reasonable treating others with the same respect you hope to be treated with. Teachers know how kids can say things that are way off. Don't worry. You have nothing to hide. Everyone wants the best for your child. Keep that in mind.

Hi R. - try not to take it personally, be happy that people actually care about your son, even though they are erroneous in their assumptions.

I remember one doctor my daughter went to at three saying something like: "I know about people like you," or something like that, and I believe he was inferring that I was neglectful. I'm still kind of mad when I think about that, mostly because I didn't address it at the time. If you met my daughter at 16, you'd know she was never neglected.

So I would be really direct with the counselor about your concerns about her assumptions. Set her straight, and then if you want to cancel counseling, do. You don't have to be angry and belligerent, just direct.

Then try to let it go. It doesn't really matter, ultimately, what others think, as long as you know you're a good mom. And by the way, since you've posted concerns about your kids so many times on this site, and you're their stepmom, I KNOW you're a great mom! How many stepmoms treat their stepkids as their own?!

And I think it's cool that you have your son make his own lunch. I still can't get my kids to do that, so now they go without lunch and hate to prepare food (like me). Way to go R.!

Hi R.,

I hear the discomfort with someone in your personal affairs which comes with help at times.

There was a foundation for getting service.
He sounds like he still has some issues, whether he is not getting sleep, needs more food and or assistance. How old is he? Is he ready to make his food choices independently? I was not sure.

I would consider not having foods like fruit loops in the house if they are not for school and since they have dyes and preservatives, may be something to skip and replace with better alternatives. I love sweets too. We save those for holidays and vacations and special which you find, is often and plenty.

If he is not being honest with his counselor or you, then he needs some support around that. Clearly something is bothering him. Divorce and a blended family is very very difficult on young people, despite loving step parents.

I would get a private therapists and when that is in place, let your school know that he has private support but get that first.

Does he have and IEP? Behavior Support plan? Hormones and the pressures are a lot. Social and familial as well.

With teengagers, there is a lot that needs to be attended to in a low key way..tricky but if neglected, can become serious, depression, medicating with medicines, etc..

I know it is easy to personalize this but shifting the focus on to his needs will help the therapists, you as the adults and he as the young but growing person access what he needs.

Best,
You are amazing to love and raise all three of these guys.
C

Hi,
There are crazy controlling people in public schools these days. They have political agendas. They want to run everything and take over the parenting of children. Government is not good at parenting (or anything) so it doesn't work. It only causes trouble.
My solution was to start a private school in 1983 and I have been happy to serve families well.
Seaport Academy and The Discovery Center School offer a sound private school education, good for children, good for families.
J. T.