Daughter Terrified of School.

I didn't get a chance to read the other advice so thismight be a repeat. You are right, the school situation sounds horrible. As far as the throwing up and nervousness in the morning I recommend you take her to a therapist that could do EMDR. Basically it is a therapy that reprocesses the traumatic experience so that it isn't as distressing. Look it up at EMDR.org. I am a therapist and I see this a lot with the little ones who just get the wrong messages at school and then create this fear of being there. The therapist might also be ableto help with sometips to keep her calm before she goes and while she is there. Hope this helps.

OMG, this is not OK. What about a different school? I don't know what district you're in, but you if you're LAUSD you can waive into another school. I would also make an appt with the principal. Perhaps this is something that the PTA can help out with - volunteering in the lunch room etc. Good luck

I'm so sorry for you your little girl....how sad. Though there are many kids who are fearful of kindergarten....you know, going to school for the first time away from home, mommy and familiarity and security of home, this school doesn't seem to be very nurturing.

I say you only have two choices.
1) take her out and home school her.....it's a wonderful thing! I've been doing it for many years now and absolutely love it! The best thing I ever did for my 3 children and they each don't have separation issues at all. Kindergarten is a blast and you can get everything done in a matter of 2 hours. Don't know where you live but there is an awesome home school hub in the Santa Clarita Valley that serves southern California called Advantage Preparatory Schools.....very thorough and up to date on everything with a wonderful set of families doing it together. They have much to offer for the kids.

2) Pull her out of that school and look for another one.

Meanwhile......love your daughter and be gentle with her, make her feel secure and wonderful about herself..... she will go off your emotions too.

Best to your family!

Write a clearly defined non-emotional letter to the teacher, copy the principal. Send via email or in person. Once the letter has been delivered demand to have a discussion with both the teacher and the principal immediately, the same day. I was willing to sit in the office and wait for the principal. No matter what his schedule was.

I had a similar situation with my son last year. I wrote a very clear letter, explaining that my sons rights were violated, and that the teacher had made a dear mistake by creating a hostile environment in which no one not even an adult would be able to learn. I went so far as to ask that she be formally disciplined, and possibly suspended for her actions. This was without first hand experience, You have been at the school and seen first hand the lack of supervision, lack of caring and total disregard for human rights. Your Childs rights have been violated, not to mention the hostile environment that the teacher has created in the class room.

I am furious! Going to the bathroom is not a privledge, it is a medical necessity that should never be ignored. Her teacher and obviously the lunch ladies have created a hostile environment. The teacher is obviously picking on the "good child" to help while the others are let to run free. She has also been willfully disobedient to your direct communication that your child should not be made to carry the lunch bucket.

Never ever worry about being labeled the problem parent, YOU ARE THE ONLY ADVOCATE YOUR CHILD HAS. The problem parent that can is calm headed and logical will be respected.

Verbal communication is good, but written communication is documentation that will be answered.

If you would like me help you write the letter, email me. I've helped a few other friends when their children s rights were violated at school, and coincidentally in the lunch room.

Does your daughter's school have a counselor (psychologist) on the campus? If so, make an appointment between yourself and the counselor. Ask if it's OK for your daughter to be in on the meeting too, but if not, meet with the counselor without her. I know that during the first week of school, many routines are unfamiliar to the kids and it does sound like your school is inconsistent about the rules and enforcement of them that involve the lunchtime/eating area, so somebody definitely needs to make them consistent and clearly explained to both kids and parents. It is common for the kids to be supervised by "lunch ladies" or parent volunteers; at my own kids' school, the kids' teachers do not eat with the kids. The children are not bothered by this. But it sounds like whatever rattled your daughter in the beginning has now been blown up into a generalized fear of school. She may be a particularly sensitive kid, in which case you need to reassure her that this is the routine, it will be OK once she gets used to it, and maybe talk about something positive for her to focus on (see if she can sit every day at lunch with a friend or at least another kid who she feels comfortable around. Or let her pick a lot of the food that's in her lunch. That way you know she likes it and you can talk a lot about "hey, your favorite sandwich is waiting for you at lunch time!" and distract her from aspects that are bothering her.) However, you also need to take a deep breath yourself, calm down a bit and tackle one challenge at a time (if the biggest problem is lunchtime, deal with that first and stop worrying about classroom helpers for now). You sound like you're freaking out about every little detail of your daughter's day. She may be picking up on your anxieties and reactions, which sends her the message that there's something she should be afraid of. If the kids take turns helping haul the snack pail, then by all means your daughter should take her turn. If it is truly too heavy for kindergarteners, suggest that two kids carry it together to lighten the load. If your daughter's the only one complaining it's too heavy, then the problem isn't the snack pail, it's your daughter -- maybe she's learned that if she complains about things, she gets a lot of attention and drama from you. You need to get her to accept that a lot of these details and procedures at school are just run-of-the-mill daily events, everybody deals with them, it's not life or death and yes, she can handle it, too, even if she doesn't like it. Meanwhile, the conversation with the counselor should be a reality check for you, to determine whether this school is truly the chaotic dysfunctional nightmare that you've described, or whether it's a typical school and your daughter is having trouble coping with lots of little things that are becoming big things because you're both freaking out over them. If it's the latter, the counselor can suggest ways to get her to mellow out and accept the routines better. Good luck either way.

E.... I would be terrified of that school, too!!! Pardon me, but I'd get her the hell out of there!!! What school is this??? And if I were you, I'd raise every concern as loud as possible! You seem to be the only voice for these children. Perhaps your daughter would do better in a Montessori? But for God sakes, get her out of that place. They are just downright abusive to the kids... You don't LEAVE a kindergartener by themselves like that... don't question your own actions, honey... question the schools. If they can't even care for a child in a healthy, respectful, and peaceful manner, then you know the childrens' best interests are not their number one priority~ and so how good of an education are they really getting when they're scared and anxious?? There's NO WAY I would send my kids back there... NO WAY!! I would even report them to the school district or whomever. I haven't had the public school experience- my kids go to a Montessori where the teachers are all such beautiful people and they are gentle and kind. If someone treated my child in the way yours has been... oh my goodness. There is NO REASON afford tolerance to this school. Your little girl is physically ill because of this place. There's no letter writing that needs to be done... don't wait for them to change-- YOU CHANGE things for her now. This can be/is very damaging to a child who is just starting to get a taste of school. Plus, we don't always truly know how a child internalizes things- as a result of experiences or things others say to them . She's suffering being with them and there's NO REASON or EXCUSE for it. You follow your instincts... I'd get her out of there! Don't even question them... just get her out. Something will smoothly fall into place for her. Instincts work on a soul level for the highest good of all concerned. So E., who cares what they think of you... that's their thing. Don't allow that energy to attach itself to you. The answer is very clear from reading what you wrote. I feel like I want to go there just to protect those other little ones... And remember, we cannot rationalize our gut feelings. The ONLY thing we can do is listen to them.

I think you already KNOW the answer to your question~ don't doubt any decision you want to make... just do it! You are her mother and her guardian... She needs to feel safe.

In Light~
J.

Just remember you know your child BEST and you are her BIGGEST ADVOCATE!! If you don't speak up for her best interests who will?

Ok now that I am off that soap box I beg you please please please talk to other parents, the principal, other administrators! Your daughter is showing serious signs of stress and needs to be comforted and know that she is in a safe place. Shame on those teachers for not being with their kids the first few days and helping them adjust. At least you are there daily with the lunch to help. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you to watch.

Talk to the teacher, talk to the parents, talk to the principal, talk to the superintendent if you have to but get this fixed! Otherwise you might need to look elsewhere for your daughter's education.

I also have to tell you that I am a teacher, and would NEVER want to have a child in my class feeling like yours does. If a child ever did I would want that parent to tell me so I could fix what is wrong.

Run to the Fallbrook Montessori School. It is small and safe. The children eat lunch with the teachers at a set table complete with a vase of flowers. It is peaceful and worth the tuition to calm your daughter's nerves!

Our local K has a completely separate lunch time (now I know why). They have their own lunch outside their classrooms, in their own little lunch tables. It's very quiet and low key. PLEASE PUSH FOR THAT. Do not be afraid... you would be solving a BIG problem and I doubt very much your child is the one and only one in all these years with this problem (she was not the first and she will not be the last).

If your school and school district cares about these students, then they will do the right (obvious) thing.

BTW, K in California is not mandatory right? If things do not improve, I would pull her out and homeschool her for that K year. She should not be traumatized every day. And write to the School Board. This needs to change. Basically, if the school shrugs at everything - deal is off. Pull her out. You can teach her K things at home... she would be more relaxed and more receptive to learning. She will be far happier and so will you.

The first thing children need to feel is SAFE. If they don't feel safe, the brain shuts down and they don't learn a thing. It defeats the purpose of going to school.

As a child I always hated the chaos of the lunch time (and the "mean" lunch supervisors it seems are part of the picture.)

My son started in his local elementary school at 1st grade. He's in 3rd now. He hates the lunch time too. I sit with him sometimes (you CAN go any day and have lunch with your own child) and the women YELL across the tables to follow rules (it's awful). Very unpleasant.

Dear E.,

What you've described sounds like a horror movie. I'd probably be intimidated in a situation like that so I can only imagine how a small child must feel. I want to cry for each child there who has no one to speak up for them.

Your daughter and the other children are having a strong reaction for a reason - they are human and are being abused (or at least frightened) by the actions of the adults whose care (or lack or care) they have been left in.

Thank God your daughter has you - A mother who sees, cares and takes action.

E., have you considered home schooling? It isn't too difficult & there's tons of support. You'd probably be a natural and enjoy it. It could at least be a temporary solution just to get your daughter out of that place and into a safe setting.

Whatever happens I hope you will not back down or tolerate this situation at all. Be strong for your child and all the other children who may have no one who will listen when they cry.

Love,
S.

E.,

Wow! What an ordeal that you have dealt with. What a horrible way for your daughter to start her schooling experience. Sounds like there is a total lack of supervision and explanation going on at that school. Some children are far more sensitive and need more help when they are young and others don't. But no child should be told to "hold it" when they need to go to the bathroom and no 5 year old should be going to the bathroom without supervision from an adult. What could a fellow 5 or 6 year buddy do if your daughter needed some kind of help. I can't believe that your daughter was wondering the school grounds ... I'd be fuming mad if I were you. I applaud your letter writing and don't give a hoot about what anyone may think of you! Your child's safety and character are far more important ... stick to your guns!

I am not sure if homeschooling is an option for you, but that's what I've always done since my current 10 yo needed to start school. We've never done pre-school, we've never done private or public school for any of my four kids (10,7 1/2, 5 and 3).

Homeschooling avoids having to put up with the lack of supervision, lack of everything for that matter that you probably deal with at the school. Homeschooling our children has allowed us to let our children feel safe, make them know that we care about who they are and their education. Don't let anyone scare you away from homeschooling because of a lack of socialization for your child. Whether you're homeschooling one or two children, your child will have endless ways to be social when learning at home. Remember your child is far better being taught how to live and survive in our society by you, your husband, extended family, other like minded homeschool families ... than in an environment of peers her age where she is being taught "socialization" by other 5 & 6 year olds ... being picked on or teased or belittled by her peers ... or feeling peer pressure to be a certain way or do certain things. Your daughter should be able to grow up confortable in who she is regardless if she needs more comfort at age five to feel safe in her surroundings, especially when they are new to her. No one can care for your child like you and your husband!

Removing your child from a peer dominated environment along with a lack of adult supervision could allow her to grow and feel secure as she learns how to cope with new things, new places, new anything. Some think ... that we need to "toughin'" up our kids ... that she can get over it, but at what cost? What value? These are her formative years, the years where the foundations of security and confidence begin.

I've witnessed two friends who took their children out of PS, one shortly after K started and the other who waited until 2nd grade. Both in similar situations as yourself ... the children being so sick about going to school ... the lack of supervision ... one of the children was stab with a lead pencil in the arm by another kid. The campus was constantly left open ... the gates never locked as they should have been. The one who waited until 2nd grade has a daughter who is terribly "nervous" and scared ... still even at 8 years old You can tell she's just not confident and comfortable with who she is.

I see you and your husband both work from home ... is there room to consider homeschooling? I'd be more than happy to help discuss some options with you. There are so many choices and options to do homeschooling, even single parents are able to take it on. Please email me and I'd love to share options and choices.

I pray that you're able to resolved this somehow and I'll pray for comfort for your daughter.

My heart goes out to you, S.

Ugh! This situation sounds horrible, but not surprising for public school. I too, have a kindergartner (and a 5th grader) in LAUSD, and although we haven't experienced anything like you have, I have SERIOUS doubts about public school, especially when they are K-2nd age. They seem to be a lot better able to handle new situations from 3rd grade on.
Anyway, I homeschooled both my kids the past couple years, and it was awesome, but I am unable due to certain circumstances to homeschool them this year. I would highly, highly, highly recommend homeschooling, especially since you work out of the home. It sounds like you might be in a situation to homeschool.
It's much easier than it sounds, and there are tons of support groups and resources. If you need a place to start, I can help you. Just email me.
Or send them to private school if you can afford it, it's much more nurturing and personal than public school. I also had my oldest in a Lutheran school from K-2. Loved it, just couldn't afford it anymore.
As far as my experience at our new school, the lunch thing is definitely a weird deal. And the first couple days, I realized my Kindergartner was not going to the bathroom at ALL, because he didn't even know when he could go, and where it was! So I had to talk to the teacher about that.
Yesterday, they had a substitute teacher when it was literally 90 degrees, and the sub was a "grumpy old curmudgeon" that refused to let my son get a drink of water, outside of snack time and lunch. Are you kidding me? This kid is 6 years old and it's 90 degrees, and you expect him to just suffer.
Also, there is a little girl in his class that also cries and throws up all the time, because she hates it there. I don't blame her. Even though their teacher is really nice, the whole public school experience is just too much for some at this age, and is really less than ideal for ALL. People just don't even realize.
Anyway, this type of stuff goes on all day long at public schools. They just have too many kids and not enough help and discipline, so they have to treat the kids like numbers.
If I have any chance to get my kids back in private school or homeschool, you bet I'm gonna do it. Public school is lousy!

Have you considered homeschooling? There are some excellent programs out there. Being put-off by the one-size-fits-all educating of public schools myself, I've been considering homeschooling. K12 is a public-homeschool program that tailors your childs education. It's free and they will even send you a computer monitor on loan. Just a little info. in case you want to try something different. Good luck!

Oh my god, I would hate to go through that. You need to sit down with the principal of the school and voice your concerns about his staff and the way the childern are being attended to. If that doesn't help the happiness of your child comes first. I know you will hate doing this but it might be time to research other schools in your area. I know having to different kids at two different schools will be difficult but you don't want your daughter to have anymore trauma. If something is not done now, you will never to be able to leave her and her health will start going down because she is so upset and not wanting to eat or sleep because she will be thinking about having to go to school again. Best of Luck

Hi E.,
I was a bilingual public elementary school teacher for 20. This situation is not acceptable. Go to the principal. You are the parent - therefore YOU are the boss. Be as nice as you can, but be firm, and offer to work out a better plan. If there is no improvement - a letter to the school board and then one to the local newspaper usually worked to change things around at our school!
Good luck!

E.:
First I know that kindergarten teachers are required to have their own lunch time without kids, so I'm sure you may have seen kids eating with their teachers but not in kindergarten. One thing is maybe you might make some suggestions to the principal or teacher. ONe thing you may suggest is that the teachers take the children to the restroom before and after lunch. And the lunch room should have a bathroom pass or several so that when a child goes to the restroom with their partner the teachers know where they are going and theres no questions asked. Then maybe the teachers could take the first 10 minutes making sure all the kids are settled in with their proper lunches. Then they go to lunch and the kindergartners get a few extra minutes of playtime so that the teachers get an adequate lunch. finally you and other parents could volunteer to help out one day each at lunch. That way lunch could be more fun and hey mommy comes on Friday and thats cool. Be positive and put little positive notes in your child's lunch, mommy loves you with a big heart and your child will eventually enjoy eating lunch with all her little friends.

Ok so I feel your pain. Sounds like a crapy situation if what your saying is true, esp. the bathroom. But I feel that what you are doing has to stop, you are not doing your daughter any favors by going in there every day, you will regret it later on. Teachers do not have to eat lunch with the kids everyday, come on thats silly they need a break during the day too. What happens in most schools is that teachers are assigned certian days when they have lunch room duty so there are always teachers present in the lunchroom. I think you have to make some choices as a parent, some people on here have said that whats going on is abuse, I just think that people throw that word around very easily nowadays and belive me it doesn't do any favors for the poor children in this wotld who ARE being abused and terrorized everyday of their lives. As a parent you must make a choice either complain to every person in the school system until you feel that things have gotten better, I mean if things are that bad, there must be MANY MANY MANY parents complaining and showing up each day for lunch, right? Band together with all the other disgruntled parents. Or take you daughter out of the school so she doesn't have to endure it anymore. Or maybe she will get used to the whole lunchroom situation and be just fine, who knows stranger hings have happened. Good luck.

Find another school. To much drama from a child to endure. Also, go to the priciple and tell them how you feel. Tell them you are going to go to another school because of it.
Everything you said in your statement...Tell the priciple.
Although it wouldn't really change much. Have you talked to the other kids parents (especially the ones who cry in the lunch room) The letter you wrote sounds good, but these issues sound like you need to address them in person to the teacher AND Priciple.
Good luck.....get her out of that school if you can.

Wow - I read this with such a heavy heart. We have had instances like this, but usually they're met with some help from either the teacher or the principal. The first thing I would do if I were you is send this entire message you put out here, to the principal and cc it to your district supervisor. That will go along way. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE LABELED AS A PROBLEM MOM just because you're the one bringing these terribly important issues to light. It's that teacher's responsibility to be respectful and EMPATHETIC towards these first-timers. What a damn shame this lady couldn't have done her job so much better because she has it entirely in her power to make their school experience either beneficial to these kids (i.e., LEARNING!) or traumatic, and thanks to tenure, she doesn't have to really care, and that's what she's done. You can send my response to your school as well! Our Kindergarten teacher was also unempathetic because it was her very last year before retirement. You could tell she'd seen it all, done it all, and didn't really care because she knows they'll live through it and come around eventually. My daughter spent 2 mos. very upset, but then she did fine - but again - it was all due to that teacher not doing her job well. How sad that your little girl has to pay such a very dear price. I feel so bad for her. But please know, she WILL get over it pretty soon, with lots and lots of exactly what you're doing - being there at the dreaded lunch time, being reassuring, millions of hugs - you know, even spoil her a bit and take her out after school to get ice cream and little toys each day for a while. She needs it right now. Tell her many kids feel this way, and she can even write to me and I'll let my daughter, now 9, write back to her and give her advice on how it all works. Maybe that would help a little. Most of all, get a bunch of other moms together and call a meeting with that administration and make them listen and those minimum-wage lunch ladies too!!!
This will all be a bad memory soon.
M. C.

Hi E.,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's experience, I've never had such problems, but I agree with the way you've handled things based on what you've explained. I truly hope things turn around after the teacher reads your letter, and if not, you should take it to the school district board to discuss. Don't give up! Is it too late to switch your daughter to a different class that has the same homework / classwork?

Hope everything works out.

E.,

It sounds as if you've seen first hand what your daughter is going through. No wonder she's terrified. The lunch situation is not for the teacher to handle...the teachers need a break also however, is there not a principal or vice principal at the school? They need to be aware of the situation and if they don't make some changes, then take it to the superintendent. If they don't do anything then you may consider taking it to a local news group. No child should be treated in that manner and you, as a volunteer, should be welcomed and appreciated. The adults there are getting paid and they can and should be disciplined when they are out of line. You are doing the right thing in letting her teacher know how you feel...and if you're labeled as the trouble parent, so what?! Take care of your daughters needs.

I don't know if this is an option for you--but private school would alleviate this problem for you. Smaller class sizes, more teachers and helpers, and not as many classes per grade--you really do get what you pay for. I know that a lot of private schools offer financial assitance too (especially in these times)--you just really have to look around your area. Good luck!

This poor child. I am so sorry your daughter has to go through this. To me it sounds like this school is severely understaffed and stressed to the limit. I remember two things from when I was in kindergarten: we went half a day, and we were separate from the rest of the K-8 school, so we never had to worry about being thrust into the big world like that! I second the poster who said talk to other parents, then bring your concerns to the school.

As to the volunteering (I'm editing my previous response as I'd missed where you said you were cleared to volunteer): are you volunteering in the lunchroom on a formal basis? If not I can sort of see why the teachers/attendants might not be communicating so well with you. Find out if you can make lunchtime help your regular volunteer gig. Then get someone to run down ALL of the rules with you...so you can understand them and help them get kids to follow them.

One way to think of approaching problems like this in the future is to first try to ask the teachers why they do things the way they do. First, this can help frame the conversation so they don't feel like they're being blamed for something, especially if it turns out what they're doing is due to some quirky school-district rules or something. Second, knowing the rationale can help you suggest better solutions. Good luck!

You need to talk to the principal ASAP. That way, you can also know if you are the only parent who has noticed this lack of supervision & guidence by the teachers/lunch aids. Make SURE you tell the principal that you are the daughter of not one, but TWO school teachers... if no steps are taken in ONE week, I would pull her out & put her somewhere else. This is completely unacceptable. In addition, if you do have to pull her out, I would write a certified letter to the school district itself.

1.speak to the teacher 2. if nothing changes speak to the principal 3. see if there is a child in 2nd grade(I use to teach this grade for 12 years)who would want to help your child in the lunchroom/find the bathroom/playground, etc.

I'm sorry to hear your exp. has been awful, the teacher should have shown the kids around the first week of school, I hope you get some good advice and get this straightened out

good luck
K.

O I feel so sad for you both!
I am an elementary school counselor, so it is very interesting to hear another view point. I work regularly with students who are 'school avoidant', and it has never come up that they are afraid of the the lunch room... a the same time, hearing how you descibed it (which was exactly accurate), I could see how my own kindergarden son would be intimidated in that situation! Also, the 'helper' issue was intersting... we usually recommend teachers make the school resistant children be helpers; it makes them feel included, bonded, special. At the same time, of course then they could feel left out and resentful of the activities they are missing when they are helping! Wow.
Ok, on to advice. NEVER hesitate to volunteer or voice your concerns about your child's education. These are your babies you are fighting for! Of course there is soemthing to be said for tact and politeness, but you should always ask for what you want and be clear what you have a problem with. In schools, the squeeky wheel gets the grease, and I know for a fact that an involved parent WILL get more, and a better education for their child than that passive parent. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is. You don't need the school to like you, but you do need them to do right by your baby. It doesn't sound to me like the teacher is necessarily doing anything wrong, but how do you know unless you go into the class? Which is your RIGHT, by law. You may have to make an appointment, you may need to get it cleared by administration, but you have the right to observe (without interrupting) in your child's class for 20 minutes. See for yourself what is going on! It doesn't have to be confrontational, you can tell the teacher you are worried about how she's doing and you want to do what you can to help. Remember, the teacher is not the last word, there is always administration if you are not happy with her answers. But, one thing to add... DON'T LET YOUR DAUGHTER MISS SCHOOL! It doesn't sound like you are, but if you do, she will learn another lesson: if I cry, I don't have to go,and that lesson is a very hard one to break!

Good luck, thanks for the insight

Do NOT be afraid of being labeled a "trouble parent."
Do NOT.

Do what your gut tells you to do. Your girl is throwing up, anxious, and traumatized and unhappy. DOCUMENT everything, and ask questions, follow up, and get clarifications and/or explanations for your concerns.

And why is your daughter ALWAYS the "helper?" Usually, the kids take turns. If your girl is being picked on and made to be the helper ALL the time... I would question this.

If your girl is having difficulty adjusting to Kindergarten and all these problems... then speak to the Counselor... get the Counselor to ADVOCATE for your daughter and/or help her with this.

IF your girl and/or yourselves then suffer from "retaliation" from the teacher or school, or for being a "whistle blower" or for speaking out... then you have grounds to stand on for a formal complaint....

take care,
Susan

It sounds like you need to speak with her teacher and the principal- make a list of your concerns/questions and get answers for yourself. It is not normal for a child to be so upset for so long- maybe she should see a counselor? It will be easier for you to address your child's fears if you have an informed response. If you don't get all the answers you need, consider looking at another school. Just because the school may be considered "excellent" doesn't mean it's the right school for your child. Don't go against your instincts- they are there for a reason. Best of luck!

Oh...you poor thing. I remember one daughter being traumatized by the mean lunch ladies on her first day of school. I called and made a stink because of it. Another daughter cried most of her way thru first grade because she was hurt by so many things.

You are doing the right thing, Mommy. It matters to your daughter...so just keep doing the right thing for her!!

God Bless!!

Wow, sounds scary. Kind. in my area is just 3-1/2 hours long, I'm wondering if you can switch her to a different school that has a "regular" kindergarten. The kind where you pick them up at the end of their 3-4 hours? That would be my first priority, and totally ideal. If for some reason this isn't possible, I'd consider picking her up for lunch and bringing her home, and take her back afterwards for any remaining classtime until you can get a game plan in place with your teacher and principal. I would ask for an immediate conference with them both and discuss this with them. Don't worry about labels---this is obviously a little scary (or a lot) for your daughter and you need to be her advocate. See what kind of solutions they can offer you. The principal needs to know how this is through a small child's eyes, especially the bathroom situation. I tell you, those lunch ladies can be dragons and you need to report them. I've had to email or call the principal a few times over lunch lady problems, and she's always been supportive, rectified it and handled it very well. Hopefully, you also have a good principal. Talk to him or her.

As far as the classroom situation, you really need to blow some of this off while still supporting your daughter with her feelings. It sounds like she's going through an adjustment period that will take some time. When you pick up your daughter, you could use that opportunity to ask the teacher about her day, and the "helper" role. Usually the teachers assign a child a "job" for one week and there are several jobs, because most of the kids love helping, so they rotate thru the different jobs. Also, you can volunteer to help one morning a week, so why not do that? You need to see what's going on first-hand, and who knows? You may be surprised to find out that your daughter is over-reacting. I have found that you have to be very careful to try and get the whole entire story out of your children, and it's often twisted by their perspective. First hand observation is best, and besides, it's fun to work in the classroom. Good luck, and please remember to keep those communication lines open with your child's teacher---they can't help you if they don't know there's a problem~~

What school? Can you talk to the assist. principal at the school? Perhaps the office staff?

What a terrible story! Everyone has given great advice. My only advice is that I think your uneasiness about the situation is rubbing off on your daughter. Kids can smell fear. Be afraid and upset behind closed doors. To your daughter, be positive and uplifting. Fill her with confidence and positive thinking. Seems like your bad feelings are affecting her perspective of the situation. If you act like she can get through this and like it's going to be just fine, she will believe it.

You have completely terrified me! I have a daughter who will go into Kindergarten next year and I'm extremely nervous about picking the wrong one. I need to do some research on schools and I'm not sure where to start. I don't have too much advice to give, except to say, look for a new school. These teachers and lunch room helpers seem to have no empathy toward young children and their scary transition into school, which I remember being very hard. Some of my first memories are of being terrified of school and feeling like no one was on my side. Your poor daughter, I'm so sorry. I think your instincts are right about this place. Sometimes kids overreact, probably not so in this case. Get her out.

Speeking as an inexperienced school shopper, I would be interested in finding out what kind of research moms have done in picking a good school in order to avoid this kind of situation. Can you go to schools and just walk in on classes and hang out for lunch time to observe, or is that not possible? It seems that you can't get a real feel for how teachers really are by just meeting them outside of the classroom, you have to observe them in the act. What do you do? I'm freaked out now!

Can she be picked up before lunch or does class continue? At our school kinders can be picked up before or after lunch.

That just breaks my heart to hear what your daughter and you are going through. Our kinder the kids have their own area right outside their classromms and 2 classes sit at the tables and eat then they are allowed to play and their own teachers are supervising them the whole time. They use the same bathrooms in the class they use throughout the day. The same child is never the helper to give all the children a chance. I am glad you spoke up and her teacher should try and help and if not go to the principle not complaining about what they are doing but as a concerned parent wanting to help your child and the others that seem lost and confused. If you have the time to sit with her continue until she feels safe and secure just reminding her daily that you can not do it everyday and do less time everyday once you see she knows the ropes. If things don't change in the class talk to some of the other parents to see if anyone else if having the same problems and try to work together. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Ok... so something is really going on. You need to go observe without your child knowing you are there to see what really happens. Transition may be her challenge. Now, sometimes, not all the time, lunch who are not educated to work with children, do not have the style to talk to our children or will say "you need to eat it
!" and again 5 staff for 120 chhildren, I don't think so, of course they are going to stress out and not be able to meet ever child's needs. Explore, the procedure of what goes on... Maybe she fears staff, is being bullied, fears crowds, of if you say she has seperation anxiety purchase some books and read. Also attend more social events where she is exposed to many people and let her do things on her own to learn becasue by you attending school for a week or more is only going to enable her and not herl her challenge, not problem. Be patient with her eating lunch in a HUGE cafeteria, can be traumatizing. Now, specially if she is use to Mommy serving her food, rigid rules about spills, getting clothes dirty, eating all food, eating habits such her beign a picky eater, this may also be something you want to explore. Let her help you in the kitchen by preparing smally meals, carrying trays, saying it is ok not to eat all her food etc. Good Luck! :) any questions email A. S. ____@____.com

I have worked in several schools and they all handle this quite differently. But, with the kindergarteners, they all go out of their way to make their transition into the lunchroom run smoothly. The ladies in the lunchroom are also classroom volunteers on campus, so they are in all the classrooms. The students all get to know them. One district has the teachers walk them to the cafeteria and they stay with their students until they have their lunches and they are sitting down at the tables. This way their teachers and with them up to that point, they assist with paying for those who are buying and sitting the others down, who are not buying lunch that day. Then the teachers go and eat their lunches and then they come back and walk the students back to the kindergarten playground with the yard duty ladies for the first 2-3 weeks of school so the students know the routine. Another district I worked in, had all the kinders go to an assembly where they introduced all of the lunch ladies, supervisors and food servers and cooks to all the students. This way that transition was smooth. They also had all the kinders go to lunch at the same time. This way, all the kinder teachers were in the cafeteria at the same time, this helped when there was a sub, there was still a familiar face in the cafeteria. One teacher would stand at the cashier and assist there, another would stand 1/2 way up to the counter, where they got their food and remind the students to walk and point to where they needed to get milk and then follow the others to the counter to get the food. Another would stand at the end of the counter and assist the kids to the salad bar, where they got fruit, veggies, dressing and salad and such. After all the kinders were through the line, then the teachers would leave to eat their lunches. This district does this all year. The kids are really happy and there is always a familiar face in the cafeteria. There are also student restrooms in both of these district's cafeterias, so, if they need to go, they get permission, take a friend and go. If another lunch supervisor stops them, they just let them know that the other lady told them they can go and they are allowed to proceed. Also, from Kinder through 3rd grade, the teachers all take their students to the restroom on the way to lunch and on the way back to the room after lunch. You know kids, they get excited about playing and forget to go while at recess. Best of Luck!

I,m sorry you've had such a terrible experience with your child's situation. I read some of the responses and the only person who seems to understand what you need to do was "Tuesday". Yes, Being that I have worked at schools for many years you are not helping your daughter's self esteem by sitting with her every day. If you had not done that she would have probably be adjusted by now. It seems to me that you are enabling her to be afraid unecessarily. The situation you decribed was one that occurs every year in the beginning of the year for many, many children. Talk to someone like the Principle to ease your mind. You don't need to change schools or anything like that. Don't cause your child to be afraid of every little thing.

The people who work in the cafeteria know what they are doing, don't interfer with their job. They will do much better if don't interfer. You cannot give other people's chhildren permission to go to the bathroom. Let your daugther learn how things go in her world. And when she comes home and tell you that she is afraid access the situation, then contact principle, Teacher etc. These people work with 100's of children year after year. What they will all tell you is that the children adjust better without you present.

I hope you take my advice my children arre 32 and 28 now. I know what I'm talking about. Your daughter will thank you when she' older.
Blessings

CHANGE SCHOOLS IMMEDIATELY! They are not meeting your needs and this is going to affect your daughters school career for the rest of her life! If she is constantly upset she will not learn, will not enjoy learning and will develop a dislike for school for the rest of her childhood. Any school that doesn't welcome parents volunteering their time and effort with open arms is a school that has big problems. If your teacher and principle are just brushing your concerns off, you are in the wrong school. (You have sat down and had a conversation with both correct? And by the way, I doubt you'll be labeled a problem parent, but even if you are - who cares? What's more important? That label or your daughter?) This situation happened to my brother. His teacher ended up in an institution at the end of his school year with a mental breakdown. She should have never been in the classroom. My brother as well as all the other children in his class should have never been terrorize for a whole year. He never really like school after that and it cost him later in life. SO RUN! Take your daughter and run as fast as you can. Your daughters well being is priority.

Dear E.,

My heart is breaking for you and your sweet daughter! I'm sorry I don't have any advice to add, but I would love to hear what happens and if you are able to get more support from the school staff. Your daughter is blessed to have you as her fearless and devoted advocate. Please let us know what happens. I will have to send my baby to school in a few years- terrifying!

This is the reason I am scared to start my boys in kindergarden!! Thet should start next fall but I have already made the choice to wait another year. My oldest and only girl did great when she started school and is now in 4th grade, but she was more sure of herself then the boys are. I had issues at the boys's old daycare and I find that ALOT of parents are better then just the one, so I would talk to all the other parents too since it sounds like you are not the only one having trouble with this lunch time arrangement. I can not believe that any school would run a lunch room with first year kids in this mannor!! The entire world of education is new to these children and for a successful school future they need to be taught how EVERYTHING works, not just the classroom, but the lunch room, the hallways, the libaray, and so on. You shouls continue to go to school everyday to help your daughter and her fellow classmates until they all learn the rules, and get other parents to come with you! It might not change this year but you WILL make a change for the next starting class. I sttod up to the boys old daycare, and when that did not work I talked to other parents and they voiced out too then NOTHING was getting done so alot of us pulled our kids and changes were made! I am glad to see that the old daycare is now a better place for the kids that are there and for those they will be there soon. So make a stand for all children and show your daughter that her voice is important and how to make change happen!! Keep us all posted, I would love to hear how this works out.

Wow! What a lot of concerns for your little one. I can understand your frustration with the challenges your daughter is facing at school. Excellent school district or not, there is so much pressure for children to conform at school to what works for the staff. Many of the rules are not made for the benefit of the child, just whatever makes is possible to run the school. Some of the requirements on your daughter will take time to adjust to but it sounds like right now, she is totally overwhelmed! I remember my own experience as a child, when I began first grade. This was the first time I had eaten lunch away from home and I felt lost and alone, did not know where to throw away my trash, let alone whether I was allowed to get up to do so, the carton milk tasted "icky" and so on... you get the idea. Although I enjoyed the other kids and learned easily, school had become very traumatic. By speaking with my teacher, my mom arranged to bring me home for lunch each day until I felt more comfortable with the longer day at school. This of course, was in the "dark ages", but it may be useful to have a discussion with the teacher about your daughter's adjustment. She is probably very sensitive and wants to do everything correctly. School is often scary for this type of child. (My youngest child is in high school and she still worries about the bathroom rule! They are not allowed to use the restroom during class unless it is an emergency, but who wants to announce that? Plus, some teachers take away points because, "You should have taken care of that during lunch.")
If you can communicate to the teacher about your concerns, perhaps she can help you go over expectations with your daughter, so she can become more confident in the system. Other than that, maybe this school is just too big and impersonal for your child's needs. I know it would probably be difficult for you to make a change since your older child is in school there also, but perhaps an alternative program for one year would make sense. A school with fewer students or a home-school situation might be a more nurturing environment for your little one. Another option is to get involved with the administration; I can't tell you how many times through the years, I have politely approached a school principal with a concern or suggestion that has been helpful. Sometimes they are not even aware of the way things are being handled and they may appreciate your input, as long as it is presented in a reasonable manner. You want your daughter to learn while she is at school, not spend her day feeling nervous and stressed! Bless you for caring so much about her welfare and good luck!

This sounds like a big issue not only for your daughter but for other kids too. I would speak to the principal about the lunch staff being rude and mean to the kids and also about the teacher not being flexible and giving assignments to different kids. Kindergarten is the most important year of school for kids. If they feel neglected by the teachers and staff then they grow up disliking school. I work at a school district in the pupil services department and I had an experience myself with my son when he was in kinder. My son had a real mean teacher and was always giving time out to certain kids she didn't like including my son. My son cried every morning not wanting to go to school, and then he started saying he hated school. Come on, they are only 5 years old and how can there be people this kind teaching our kids!! Anyways, you as a mother have a lot of rights and you need to bring this problem up to the principal, if the principal doesn't do anything to resolve the problem then bring it up to the district superintendent. Take advantage of your rights as a mother and help stop this negligance from teachers as well as the staff. Hope this helps.