Struggling First Time Parents and Newlyweds

If he is a good man, a good provider and he isn't a drunk or a druggy, then I'd say he's a keeper and you start wising up instead of panicing. Try planning or scheduling "Daddy and baby" time. Make it a point to one day during the week all three of you do something together, like take him to a playground or the zoo, even though he is little those are meaningful experiences. Then, make time for yourself. One evening out of the week, tell him you need to go see your friend that is having "issues" or something and leave him with the baby. You have got to plan these times. If you start doing these things, then you won't resent him so much for the guy stuff he does alone. And of course, you don't have to tell hubby you've orchestrated the outings.

Don't be afraid to tell him that you need him. He needs to know that he is so much more important and needed than he can imagine. After a few of your outings tell him, "I am so glad you were able to keep him! I don't know how single moms do it without a husband!" Make him feel like he is your partner now.

Also, go to church together and pray together every night. Give him a hint with the prayer...say something like, "Dear God, please help us to be good parents, guide our words and our actions that our son will grow see that he is fruit of our love for each other and for you. Let everything we do be for the good of our family and to serve you."

Sorry about rambling, hope this helps.

There is so much to say!

First of all, what you are experiencing is NORMAL. A lot of couples go through this, it is definitely a transition.

It is also normal for your husband to feel like he has nothing to offer. But at 4 months, your baby can smile and "play" with him. Have your husband wiggle toys in front of him, play peek-a-boo, and bathe him, it all helps with bonding.

Second, you need time for yourself, too! I can't stress this enough. Your husband needs to understand that being a mom doesn't mean you lose your humanity. You need time to cultivate friendships and take a break. Your life should NOT revolve around the baby 24/7/365. If he goes out, make it a point to schedule a girl's night, too. Even if you're only away for 2 hours, it's important bonding time with Daddy, and important for you to refresh yourself as a woman.

Having this time to yourself can remind you that you ARE a woman, and may rekindle some romantic feelings so that your sex life doesn't completely dry up. It might help to mention this to your husband, it may cause him to be more accepting of your need.

I'm very proud that you not only recognized the resentment, but had the guts to tell him so. Because of your honesty you can both work toward a solution.

And if you are both up for counseling, go for it! Counseling is not admitting defeat or failure... in fact, it's a sign that you both aren't quitters, and you have a desire to work through your problems instead of letting them fester. A third party will be a big help. Try contacting your church, most of them have a family or marital counselor available for free or very little money, and they can offer you advice that jives with your spiritual beliefs.

It's not over yet, girl! Keep your head up and work on it one day at a time. Sorry for rambling on! {{{hugs}}}

A lot of what you are going through is quite normal when you have a new baby. Many first-time dads don't know what to do with a small baby and need some help in that area. Also, a lot of times sex and even romance suffer when a new baby is around. For the longest time while I was pregnant and while the baby was young, I didn't want any sex or intimacy with my hubby. I was too tired for starters. However, it did get better. You already have some good advice. Here is mine:

1. Pray about the situation and ask few close others to pray for you.
2. Look into counseling. It doesn't mean your marriage is in shambles. It just means you need some help.
3. Keep communicating like you are doing now. See if he would compromise and give you 30 minutes each day at a set time. (More would be nice, yes, but it's a start.)
4. Don't forget to rely on family and friends for support.

Dear R.,

If you know how to pray; start with prayer first and ask God for direction on how to deal with your husband. There are some good self help Christian books on parenting and relationships ( authors, Joyce Meyers, James Dobson, and Beth Moore).

Now, please consider counseling. It is not too early and it does not mean the worst of the worst for your marriage. If you wait too long, yes you may have bigger problems. Husband is selfish and stuck on his egotistic personality. Unfortunately, he is misdirected on how to love his wife and son. The Bible states that you
"cleave" to each other. The man friend stuff should have been discontinued a year and a half ago. Both of you need to have the same "married" (husband and wife) friends.

This man apparently does not realize that we live in the twenty first century. Girlfriend, you and your husband should find time to be together. Get a good babysitter and have a night together in order to rekindle your relationship. Please pray first! If you are not a Christian, I apologize; if you are, prayer and marriage counseling cannot hurt. In fact, it will give you a better outlook on life and allow your husband to see just how important it is to bond with his son too.

Be blessed.

I am praying for you both!

Best regards,

F. F.

I can empathize with everything you wrote. Please remember that your husband is just as important to your family as your son, though. You wrote that every waking thought you have involves your son. That may be a bit much for him to take. Men don't typically have those reactions, even to their own children.
Maybe he feels left out, too. My husband (married 19 years, parents of 14, 12, 2 and 1 year old) never really involved himself until the kids could sit up. It just wasn't his thing to stare at the babies but once they could interact with him, boy, they had him wrapped around their little fingers.
The sex and romance is something that you might have to push a little harder on. Your husband may be waiting on you to give him the green light and I bet he would be delighted to have you tell him how important he is to you. Date nights have always been a refuge for us. A happy marriage should be a priority, right up there with raising a happy child.

Dear Rene,

First of all, marriage can be really hard in the beginning. No matter how long you have known each other, or even if you lived together before, there is something that changes when you actually get married and you have to learn to live with someone on such an intimate level. My husband and I went through a struggle during our second year of marriage. I think this is normal because as they say, the honeymoon has worn off and you are now having to deal with day-to-day life. If it is any consolation, my husband and I have now been married for almost 11 years and we are very happy. The relationship is definitely different than when we first got married, but that is because it is better now!

Having to adjust to a new marriage and a new baby at the same time must be exhausting. You are just going through so many changes right now. I have a young daughter, and while we waited longer to have kids, there was still a lot of other changes in our life that made it difficult. I nursed my daughter, and because of that I ended up being mostly responsible for her care. She wanted to be with me more. My husband would help when asked, but I did most of the work. Now that she is older, he spends more time with her and the work is shared (although I still do more than 50%).

I think this is normal because of our society's expectations for mothers. But with so many moms working, it doesn't always work for everyone. You and your husband need to decide what is best for your family.

That is where counseling can help. Getting counseling does not mean that your marriage is in trouble or that you have failed. It does not sound like your marriage is "in trouble", it just sounds like you and your husband need to talk about your expectations in the marriage. A counselor can help you do this in a neutral environment. You might end up in a power struggle, but a counselor can help avoid this by helping you see each other's point of view and find the path that is going to work for you.

This doesn't mean that you have to go see a counselor, but you should consider it as an option and not think of it as an indication that your relationship is in trouble. Counseling may simply help you and your husband sort out your feelings about your marriage and your new role as parents.

I hope this helps. It does get easier, and it sounds like you are really enjoying being a mom, which is great. While you sort things out with your husband, you should try to find a friend or relative who can give you a break every now and then. It is important to remember that you are not just a mom or a wife, but a person. Maintaining your individuality and continuing to do things that you enjoy (hobbies) will help you be a better mother and a better wife.

Take care!

-N