Stepfamily/ Blended Family Question

Well spoken things by both Just M. and HisMomma.

I agree this is a teaching moment for both the girls. Life is often unfair but everyone needs to learn how to not judge the quality of life solely by the things we have and the things we don't have.

Your daughter is very blessed because she gets to live with her mother and father every day. Her half sister is blessed because she now has two moms and two dads that all love and care for her.

Parenting is the hardest job ever. You don't indicate how old the girls are but I would suggest you figure out ways to get your biodaughter to look at things differently while having her dad talk to her about how she is making her sister feel.

If the two of you have a good relationship with her mom and stepdad perhaps they will allow your daughter to spend some time with her sister in that world. Even if that doesn't happen, you have to work diligently on your daughters esteem and seeing that character counts more than things.

remind her how lucky she is that she gets to live with mommy and daddy together every day! seriously, use this as a teaching lesson. this seems so concentrated on your bio kid getting her feeligs hurt by only seeing her sister 2 days a week...what about the fact she only gets to see her daddy 2 days a week?

also can her sister invite her to come see her horses? i cant imagine my daughter having a sister one day and not inviting her somewhere cool with her dad on occassion

I agree with HisMomma. This is a good "life lesson" for your stepdaughter to learn. Bragging about things that you have or things that you are able to do can be hurtful to others. I'm not really clear on how old she is, but if she's young she may not realize the impact she is having.

As for how to address your daughter, I really wouldn't. When she complains about "only having" one thing or another, let it go and ask her to share something she is thankful for or someone she is thankful for in her life.

She's going to compare their lives and at her age she can't possibly understand the idea that money doesn't automatically create happiness, but it's never too early to start stressing the value in time spent as a family.

Just M took the words right out of my mouth! A Teaching Lesson Moment for sure. Teach her how to appreciate what she has and teach her that she can not compare herself to NOONE! that is a hindering trait to have so really work with her to get that out of her system. She is young so you have plenty of oppurtunities. As Just m said remind her that she has mom and dad and that Love is key not material things. Purchase books on her level to bring the lesson home for her to read.

Monitor the convo between the sisters so that you can kinda guide them.
When the big sister is bragging about the horses step in and ask her how is school going or when she is telling stories about trips ask her how does she manage to take care of the animals she has, does she clean up after them ect... Imparting the importance of responsibility.

Added: The key is that you, mom do not compare the 2 sisters upbringing and you have to know that your life is blessed no matter how much money the other family has and your child will see the lessons in you.

I would have hubby sit down with his daughter and talk to her about what "bragging" is and how it effects her sister and others.

Maybe it isn't intentional, maybe she needs to hear it from her dad.

She can be jealous that her dad spends a lot of time with the child you two share, and her flaunting what she has is her way of expressing that. Kids can be mean, and in their time of hurt and anger, take it out on the wrong person.

Talking to your daughter about accepting who she is and where she comes from might help too.

I used to nanny for a well to do family and they had a blended family that split, right before I came into the picture. The young girls used to ask a lot of their father and I talked to them about how lucky they were to have a father that was in a good place financially, and how they were lucky he could afford to give them all that he did. I told them to always remember, that others aren't as fortunate and to try not to brag about the things they get and not to ask for too much.

The girls were 12 & 10. I'd like to think the talk helped them, but I didn't go to school with them. But they rarely came home talking about others misfortune after that talk.

Good luck to you.

The best thing I ever told my kids (other than I love you) was "life's not fair." They are really well-adjusted people now, and don't whine and complain about what they don't have. They also know they have to work for what they want, and they do.

You just matter-of-factly tell your daughter that her sister has a different dad, and that he has more money. Tell her she can ride her sister's horses. (Can she?)

When my daughter complained because my oldest son was getting his college paid for by my ex, I told her, "Yeah, your brother got his college paid for, but you didn't have to go through your parents divorcing, like your brother did. Would you rather have that?" And my daughter now is one of the most together people I have ever met, and she is incredibly proud of herself for going to school and supporting herself. She said so just the other day.

Having a gazillion horses thrown at you isn't necessarily good for a person. Your daughter will probably become more competent because she wasn't spoiled.

I think you just be matter of fact about this. Your daughter won't be harmed because she doesn't have a bunch of stuff like her sister, and you need to calmly model that fact. Do you feel confident about the good life you are providing her? Then tell her not to whine. She's luckier to come from an intact family.

And like others suggested, if she needs some perspective, go volunteer with her at a homeless shelter or something.

I agree that your daughter needs to learn that there will always be some who have more than her, and that there will always be others who have less. No, it doesn't seem fair, but that's life. And your stepdaughter needs to learn not to brag and flaunt what she has. Depending on their ages, maybe having the both of them do some volunteer work, and spend some time helping others who are less fortunate than them, will help put things in perspective. No matter what, both of them can learn to be more grateful for what they DO have.

I agree, your stepdaughter needs to learn how to keep what happens at mom's house more quiet. She may be bragging because she feels insecure.

We have a similar situation with our blended family, but it's the opposite. My SD has a lot of nice things at our house--her own bedroom, TV, lots of electronics and lots of American Girl Dolls. Her sister at mom's has to share a room with my SD AND her younger brother. We had to teach my SD to keep quiet about the nice things she has here to her sister because it was causing jealousy.

A learning experience for all!

I would talk to your SD about not bragging in general. There are a lot of people, not just her sister, that don't have what she does. Maybe make it a point as a family to volunteer or adopt a family or child for the holidays. Take the kids with you to show them how to be charitable and generous and thankful. Maybe they should both pack up things to send to the victims of Sandy.

And talk to your daughter about how it is normal to want what others have and it must be hard to watch her sister have x and y. I would work with her to figure out what else she has (like getting to see Dad every day) that she can be grateful for, too. Things do not equal happiness.

My stepson once asked DH if they were poor. DH asked why. SS said, "Because we don't have a pool." He was going to a private school at the time and many friends had pools and huge lots and one even had a half sized soccer field. Then later SS went to public school and got to know kids from all economic backgrounds and learned to appreciate our non-pool house. Similarly, my sks' mom likes to shop. Really. She got SD Coach purses and shoes at 9 and 10 years old. SD bragged about them a lot. We had to take her aside and say she was making people feel badly and having x and y didn't make her a better person. She still likes designer stuff, but she's also learned to work hard for what she has (currently working while in college FT). Perspective is hard sometimes, but both girls can find it.

Did you KNOW that mommy has a good friend with an AIRPLANE???? How cool is that?!? Now... We don't have an airplane... But it's so exciting that she does, right?

Mommy also has a good friend who doesn't have enough money for FOOD.

These are true in my life. Feel free to borrow, or use a different example.

There are always people with more, and always people with less. Being genuinely happy for people with more (instead of envious) is an awesome skillset to have.

How my parents did it was a couple fold

1) They reeeeally taught us about priorities. Not that ours (or anyone's) was best. Just by having us look at different things people had and didn't have. My Fair Lady came into play at one point (when Eliza just wanted to go "home" and couldn't.), along with hundreds of myriad examples (we traveled so examples abounded. TV is another great source.

People's lives are different. Even within families. Dad's life looked like x, Mums like y, grandparents like z, mine like a, sister's like b, cousins like c, etc. She actually had us look at everyone's lives we KNEW (and loved ) to see how different they all were. And to find pos/neg in every life. Pos/neg in wealthy, poor, and everything in between.

It KILLED class distinctions in my head. That, and although we were poor, we were military poor. WIC & Embassy Dinners (ugh. Very little will take the shine off of wealth like having to sit ramrod straight, in shoes that pinch, for 6 hours solid (being a political asset, which also meant charming admirals and impressing the ambassadors) at a state dinner. Ick. I didn't want to be a princess after my first state dinner. Not run barefoot?!? Not be able to do a-z?!? No this, that, and the other? No thanks!!!)

2) They taught us we can do/have anything we wanted if we put our brains to work. I was horse crazy. My parents were NOT buying me a horse. (Later, come to find, my parents were really poor. We never knew that.). If I wanted to ride, I needed to figure out how. At 9, I saved money all year ($3 a week) to pay for horse camp. $150 for a week of riding. At 11 I started being a working student (25 hours of work = 1 hour of lessons). This was JACKPOT. Because it meant 26 hours of being around horses. At 13 I became an exercise rider (racehorses). At 16 I started training.

My parents were HUGELY supportive. Just not in money. They didn't "give" me what I wanted. Heck. I didn't even get a ride for 2 years. The track was a 3 hour walk from my school. So I walked it. But they were EXCITED for me, proud of me, listened to me, encouraging of me.

Many of my friends had horses of their own. Did I occasionally get in a snit? Sure! My mum would just laugh and say "Pay for it. If you can figure out a way to pay for it, then you can! But why not figure out how to be HAPPY while you do that? Be miserable if you insist, but having fun, seems like more fun." By the time I could pay to buy/board/feed/vet/shoe/etc., I didn't want to. I liked working with 20+ horses better than just 1.
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Anyhow.. Just some food for thought.