Step Mom Problems

Have you tried calling her and inviting her to lunch or over for a visit? If you're worried, just ask her if she's upset about something. She may not even realize that you want more from the relationship, you know? Just talk to her (in a very non-confrontational way) and tell her you miss seeing her. You'll feel better and maybe she will too!

I don't think for a second that this is intentional. You need to talk to your dad about this, assuming that he is alive. Why wouldn't he be the one to be in regular touch with you anyway? Why wouldn't he be the one to call you and mention that they'll be visiting nearby?

I think that the death of a child, even an adult child, is just about the worst thing that any of us could ever go through. I think that what you are seeing is an unconscious manifestation of her mourning. My best friend died when we graduated college and her mom wasn't her normal self for years. My brother just died and I dread seeing what his passing does to my parents. Grief is a terrible thing that can change us in ways that are hard to recognize.

This doesn't mean that behavior is OK, but try to be as generous and compassionate as possible in how you interpret this. Have a frank, open and caring discussion with your dad and see what his insight is. Once you have his perspective, you can then know how to proceed with gently getting back into her life. And I'm sorry for your loss as well and hope that you and your dad can work together to help heal the family.

She could still be in mourning over the loss of her son, could be depression, or something that she is not even aware of. If you don't think she is doing it on purpose, then try not to get your feelings bent out of shape - talk to her instead. Her remaining biological child is the one with the new baby, and it could be just something as simple as that. But if you don't say something, in a non-confrontational kind of way, I think you are only going to continue to become more resentful.

My first thought is that she is having a very strange grief reaction. It can affect people differently and at different times. I think I would talk to your dad first and ask him if he can help. She may look at you with your son and be overcome with the loss of her son - perhaps it is too much for her, but it's not a conscious thing; if she doesn't realize that's what she's doing, she can't stop. I would approach it less as a personal thing and assume it's a grief thing, and talk to your dad from that perspective. Good luck!

If you were once close, call her up and ask her to lunch, just the girls. Then ask her what's going on because you noticed some behavior changes in her. Don't be accusatory. See what she says and see where you can go from there.

Are you talking with her, calling her? Are you inviting her over for specific events? When you say "it seems she's forgotten us" it sounds like you aren't talking with her. It's easy to "make up stories" about what another person is thinking and why. The only way to know is to ask her.

People are sometimes shocked right out of their normal routines and relationships by a hard blow like a death in the family. Later on, it can be awkward to reestablish old patterns or start new ones.

Have you been waiting for her to make the first move? If so, she may need to know that you still consider her family, and be pleased if you set up a time to connect/invite her to dinner, whatever works for you. Let her know you and your children miss her and would love to have her come and be your guest for a nice catch-up visit.

I don't have much good advice for you, except to say I have a crappy stepmother too. She is my only living 'parent' and has been for a long time. She treats her biological children/grandchildren great, and treats me and my daughter like an afterthought. She has never attended one of my child's bday parties nor ever given her a gift. But when the holidays roll around she wants to act like one big happy family. She has already started calling me to make sure I will be at Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house. This is after ALL year only maybe hearing from her a handful of times. I don't want to be a holiday only 'family'. I have learned that it takes a very special person to treat stepchildren the same as biological children. Its very rare I think. Hang in there. I hope you can work out your issues and get back to a good place with her. Best of luck.

Let me start by stating that I know there are wonderful stepmoms out there. Some of them much better that some people's real mom. But I can say from experience that some stepmoms can be so extremely jealous of her husband's child that they make Medusa look like a pussycat! She knows what she is doing. It is deliberate. She has taken offence to something she percieves you have done. I would call her on it with you two alone. Just say look" I have treated you as my mom! So why aren't you acting like my mom? Why are you shunning me and my family? Tell her that you miss her and don't deserve to be treated this way. This should be just enough of a shock that she lets you have it with both barrels. Then be prepared to repeat back what she says, so that she feels heard. She likely won't forgive you until she believes you actually get how hurt she feels. Hopefully you guys will both cry, clear the air and makeup. Then make sure that you follow up with a visit within a couple of days. Keep doing this until you guys are comfortable again. It make take quite awhile. And just a note... Shame on your dad for not letting you know what the dynamics.are. You can believe he knows. And hears about it quite a bit. But if you don't make up with your stepmother don't allow her to put distance between you and your dad.

This is exactly like my step mom although she has always been this way. She and my dad never come visit but complain bitterly that we don't visit them enough and they don't get to see all their grand kids. We are always the ones to visit them. My entire adult life they have only visited me maybe 3 times. They go visit each of my stepsister 3-4 times a year. They did not call when my daughter just turned 2 a week ago. She just does not see my brother and I as her kids and she only wants to spend the time/money to go see her bio kids.

Updated

This is exactly like my step mom although she has always been this way. She and my dad never come visit but complain bitterly that we don't visit them enough and they don't get to see all their grand kids. We are always the ones to visit them. My entire adult life they have only visited me maybe 3 times. They go visit each of my stepsister 3-4 times a year. They did not call when my daughter just turned 2 a week ago. She just does not see my brother and I as her kids and she only wants to spend the time/money to go see her bio kids.

Instead of talking to her directly I would call dad or your sister in law. If you ask Mom what is going on she may feel like she is under attack. She is grieving for her son and may not understand that all of you are grieving. For some people they feel that their grief is more than yours--he was her son and only your brother and a step brother at that. (Please don't think I'm being callous--it's not how I would feel)
I would call dad and invite him over for lunch and ask what is going on. Tell him you miss them and being included in family events. You could also call your sister in law and ask if you did something to offend her or your brother. That you don't understand why you and your family was not included in a birthday party for your brother. Or just drop over with a b-day gift for him, and say something like I guess my invite must have gotten lost in the mail. If you say it with a laugh, as if it were a joke maybe he will explain.
But...
The only way you are going to get any answers is to go to them and ask the uncomfortable questions.

Maybe it's time to initiate a visit with her rather than hoping she'll be the one to initiate things. Did you send her an invitation to your child's birthday party? Did you follow up to see what her response would be? Do you call her to see how she's doing? Do you make an effort to drive out to visit her a couple of times a year besides holidays?

Relationships have to work both ways, and it's possible that in her mourning she's not in a state of mind to be the initiator. She may not know where she stands with you right now, and I would bet that she doesn't know how much you miss her since you haven't told her. Let her know that you miss her and would love to see her or talk more often, let her know you think of her often and would like to get your relationship back on track. I see no problem with being direct with her. I also don't see why you would have to go through someone else in order to re-establish your relationship with her, as someone else suggested you do... that's when misunderstandings occur and hurt feelings take over.