Huge Drama Today

Ya know, step mom is trying to divide and conquer so she can play both sides against the middle.
Ideally it would be best to have 3 way conference calls between all parties involved so no more games of 'he said/she said' could be played.

Discussing people who are nuts does nothing to make them any less nuts.
If/when the subject comes up - just disengage with a
'I know but it's just the way they are - there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm tired of talking about it and I'd rather not.
It just gives them free rent in my head.'.

Sorry, but I think you are the third part of their drama triangle.

They both use you like a weapon against each other.

You need to remove yourself from this triangle and stop them in their tracks when they start talking about each other.

Look up triangulation

Sis needs a therapist to deal if things are that bad.

And cut back the venting. It's not healthy. It's not dealing with the issues at all.

If you need to vent, then find a friend or a therapist to do it with. The interfamily relationships are too shaky to engage this kind of thing.

You don't want your relationship with your sister to be based on mutual venting.

I'm sorry, but your stepmom is not in charge of whether or not you talk to your sister.

If you feel like you have to choose sides (eew, hate that), I think you already did.

Keep the sis close, ignore the backlash.

Ugh. Sorry.

:(

Good plan. Do nothing.
Except--tell your SS (next call) thanks for dragging you into HER drama.

It sounds to me your step sis is not a friend. Sounds like she inflated your story and then called her mom and vented. A friend would not do this, this is destructive behavior.
My advice is do not go into detail about visits with the parents when she is not there. If she calls and asks 'how'd it go...?' Just answer 'we had a good time' and let it go. If you give her details and she over inflates them you are giving her more ammunition to drive a wedge between you and the parents.

Happy I am an only child. However, I DO think you need to say something to your sister. Tell her your step mom called and ripped you a new one because of what she said and what the heck happened?

I would not tell the step mom that you won't talk to your sister. That is not reasonable. You ALL are adults and can talk about whatever you want to whomever you want. The issue is your sister turning around and telling your step mom. SHE had no business doing that so IMO the issue is with her. She is the one I would talk to, not the step mom. Good luck.

I suppose you could get a reality show and make a fortune to send the kids to college at least. But this is too crazy even for reality TV.

I feel your pain. So many people don't have good relationships with their stepfamilies, and here you have a rewarding friendship with your stepsister. What would it mean to you to sacrifice that? Probably a lot. It would be a loss. So, since you get a lot of value there, you should keep it. Now, you can decide to discuss everything with her except your stepmother/her mother, but that would put a barrier in the relationship. Maybe it's a beneficial barrier - only you can decide that.

You can also make a pact with your stepsister that neither one of you will share your family confidences with her mother and your father. That means, if Dad and Stepmom come to dinner, you do your best as you did this last time, but if doggie bites daughter, you either don't tell stepsister that part of it, or she swears not to tell her mother that she knows nothing about the evening.

Or, you hang up with Stepmom about 30 minutes sooner than you did this time, saying you aren't getting in the middle of their relationship, that you've answered the issue and it's done. Yes, Stepmom can say that either you or your stepsister is lying, but she ignores the 3rd possibility which is that she herself is lying. But my sense is that your father and stepmother are not going to change, they are the way they are, and somehow or other they are getting a payoff from it. She does, on some level, know she's wrong, because she told you not to tell your stepsister she called. So you have to walk that tightrope (in part because you don't know if she called your stepsister back and said, "2kidsmama said you're a big fat liar"), or you have to decide that you're talking to whomever you want, and that people have to own what they say and do.

I'd talk it out with the stepsister and decide if you both want to invite the ongoing wrath of stepmom/mom, or if you are going to have a pact to safeguard each other's shared confidences.

I have a wacky family with a nasty and emotionally abusive side (and some physical stuff), and sometimes I get down on myself for not being a better person or more "together". My husband says he's astounded that I'm as normal and strong as I am, given what I came from. So I think the same could be said for you and your stepsister!

Clearly your stepsister amplifies and distorts things when she gets emotional with her nutty mom.

I know it's fun and cathartic to hash and rehash dysfunctional family traits with relatives who "get it". I've done the same myself at times over the years.

But both venters have to be mature enough to know the boundaries. Your stepsister goes overboard on her venting. With you and with her mom. So scale it back.

My mom remarried into a fundamentalist Christian family and became quite the extreme Fox News Tea Party character out of nowhere. She raised me to love Jimmy Carter and save the animals. For a few years, her mom and siblings and daughter (me) were dazed and confused-even a tad traumatized. We'd all reminisce about when she was normal, and vent and vent and vent on all the strange new behavior she had acquired....and then we'd had enough of the crazy. It didn't go away, but we quit feeding the beast by constantly fixating on it. Now we all talk about other stuff instead, accept her how she is, and only discuss the occasional crazy thing..but not for long.

Gossip seems loving and cathartic, but it's really enforcing the negative and you'd both be better served to move on from that source of entertainment.

I would call your stepsister and ask her side of the story. And if she did bring on drama, I would tell her that I don't appreciate the drama. She may not get along with her mother, but she needs to work that out with her mother. And then I would not tell them any more about each other, because obviously they can't handle it and put you in the middle. If she asks, you can say, "It was fine - now about that unrelated thing" and if she presses be firm and say, "Last time I told you anything, it turned into drama my children and I don't need. I'm not discussing it." I've told my cousin, for example, that she needs to speak to my mother directly. Your stepsis may "get" you but she doesn't "get" her mother or doesn't have the ability not to bring things up.

Talk to someone else about your parents and don't let her make you a sounding board about them, either.

IMO, it does no good to be permanently on eggshells. Air your feelings to them individually, even if you don't air them to the other one. If I came at my stepkids barrels blasting, they wouldn't be too keen to have me over anytime soon. She needs to work this problem out with her daughter before she takes it out on you again. But I wouldn't cease a relationship with one at the edict of the other.

I agree with the moms below.

I don't think bonding over venting (I know you are close in other ways too, but still..) is healthy. It's really just drama.

You may think it's drama between your sister and step mom, and that you are getting dragged into it, but the best way to stay out of it is to stay out of it.

So - either don't share with your sister (you know for a fact that she goes right ahead and tells your step mom, which to me, is breaking your trust) - or cut your step mom (who sounds really irrational and emotionally unstable) out of your life more - and just keep your sister in your life.

But here's the thing, if you do that - you are still going to have to hear about your step mom all the time - even if you minimize contact with her.

Personally - if you guys have this much issue with your parents, then why not talk to them directly (instead of to each other) and see if you can resolve some issues? If there's this much drama, make some decisions about how to minimize this nonsense. Venting is negative. Plain and simple. My siblings will actually stop me if I start to vent and say "Well, what are you going to do about it?".

Good luck :)

I think you could make a pact with stepsis, as Diane says. No, it's not healthy to vent all the time, but it is good to be able to vent sometimes with the one person who really gets it. In this case stepsis. I don't think you have to stop ever discussing your parents, but do ask her to be careful what she shares.

I had a very similar thing happen with my mother and brother, so I get it. And I get that it's not worth bringing these things up because nothing will be resolved and it will just cause conflict.

Doing nothing is good for now. Just next time it's relevant, ask stepsis to be very careful what she shares.

What a pain in the rear your family is! Yikes!!

I agree with you to not tell your sister that this happened. I think you handled your stepmother well.

But, now you are a wiser person, mama. You know that your sister is capable of throwing you under the bus, so to speak, because she really can't stand her family. This is UNFAIR of her. And you shouldn't put up with it.

So what can you do? Write a thank you email and recap of the visit to your stepmother and father, with a cc to your sister. That way the stepmother can see that you are saying the same exact thing to EVERYONE, her, your dad and your sister. Your sister will see that you are being nice to her mother and that you are making sure that she knows it.

It is not the same thing as telling your sister what happened. But it's SOMETHING and your sister will probably know that your stepmother talked to you about that conversation.

Now, before you think "oh no, I don't want sis to know", think again. You DO want her to have this hint. What you two are doing is wrong BECAUSE your sister is using it in a terrible way. She is punishing you something awful and that's just wrong. Your stepmother is punishing you too because of your sister, and that's just wrong as well. YOU have to be the one to put a stop to it. This email is a way of telling these two women to GROW UP.

You might find it cathartic to vent about your family problems, but the problem is that it gives her ammunition to hurt you with. No more giving her this power over you!

I have a sneaking suspicion that your sisterly relationship has become a round robin of complaining about family. What would happen if you no longer accepted this, mama? Would you two have anything to talk about anymore? Would you have anything in common?

It's time for you to step up and change the dynamics here. Stop feeling sorry for yourself about not getting to talk about your "feelings" to your sister. What you're doing is stirring a boiling pot that is reaching out and burning you in the face. Enough with it. If you want someone to talk to who "gets it", talk to a counselor.

I am sure I'm projecting my own experience onto yours, but here goes;

Sounds like stepsis has a lot of the same behaviors as her mother does. I'm sure she's a really sweet girl but I'm sorry - drama begets drama. Similar personalities + being raised around her mom = DRAMA.

I get that you are close and care about her. But as a non-drama person myself, I've learned that sometimes you have to realize that people are toxic in your life. I'm not saying she is 100% toxic, but she seems to have some dangerous qualities - whatever was said, whether the stepsis lied outright or the stepmom did - it's a bad mix. I'd take a step back for sure. Sorry. Good luck.

ETA- venting, I consider a guilty pleasure. You REALLY have to watch who you do it around. It can also go by the names "Hating", "B****ing", and "Gossiping". In the end it's all negative. And it might feel good, but as I said - it's a guilty pleasure. it's not healthy. To be healthy it would have to be a third party who isn't feeding off of it. Not the case here.