19 answers

Stepson Was Calling Me MOM, Now His Mom Yelled at Him and He Won't

Some quick background. I came into my stepsons life before he was 2, so at his dad's house, he has never known me not to be around. He called me by my first name. My husband has talked to him in the past about calling me 'mom' or some other name, as we expect our children to call me mom. And my daughter has been calling me by my first name because she sees her brother do it. So about 6 months ago, my husband and him sat down and he said that he wanted to call me mom. He has been doing that more and more lately. Well, last night, my husband dropped his son off, and his mom told my husband, that the son is not comfortable calling me mom, and that she has told him that he doesn't have to. So now our problem is, that he has been doing it, without reservations, and we aren't sure of what else he can call me. My stepson has not said a word to us about it at all. I know that this is his mom talking about not him. i know this becasue since I started dating my husband, she has been very vocal to both me, my husband and her son, that I am not his mom and she won't allow him to call me that. i feel she is wrong, in that my stepson made the decision no one else. So we have him this coming weekend and are going to talk to him about it. So any sugggestions on what else he can call me that won't make his mom so mad at him. i think he got in trouble for it.

A bit more background the ex has always been against me. I think it has to do with that I am more into spending time and teaching my stepson, where she just sits him in front of the tv all day. he is now 8, and that's all he ever does over there. he does have an older sister at his mom's house. His older sister calls her stepmom "mom" and nothing has ever been said about that one. So i know he is feeling conflicted about everything. We know he wants to call me mom, as he has told my husband that, he has also told his grandparents that's what he wanted. Wheneverr my husband spoke to him about this, I was never around. I made sure of that, so he wouldn't feel pressure at all

When we talk with him this weekend, I would like some other ideas of what he can call me. But i have no clue what other names to come up with. If he choses to keep calling me mom, we are going to tell him that he doesn't need to tell him mom, as he is 8 can make decisions such as this for himself. And my husband said if it comes to it, he will speak to the ex, and tell her that his son made the decision. in no way am i trying to be his mom, and he knows that. My stepson and i hae talked about that before. That he has a mom and i am just his mom while at dad's house, but that his mom will always be his mom. I even help him make things for her for mother's day, and have told him, he doesn't need to do things for me.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I don't think he should call you mom, he already has a mom. Decide on some other name he can call you, I don't think he should be put in the middle of this by sitting him down and telling him to call you mom, that's ridiculous. I agree with his mom, if he is not comfortable with it he shouldn't do it. and by saying she is lying about him being uncomfortable you're saying that his relationship with you is stronger than his relationship with his mom, I believe he is more comfortable with his mom and that's why he told her that in confidence.
good luck,

2 moms found this helpful

In a very non-threatening manner, ask HIM what he would like to call you, whatever he feels comfortable with (regardless of the reason) is what he should be calling you.

More Answers

k here's the deal.
You aren't his mom you shouldn't be called "mom"
I have both a step mom and a step dad , I have never called either one mom or dad. They aren't my mom or dad. They didn't earn that name. If the mom wasn't in the picture at all there might be something to your case.
You shouldn't encourage him to keep stuff from his mother, that is VERY wrong.
I always called my step parents by their first name.

How would you feel if your child called someone else mom? I don't know about you but it would bother me ALOT.
Drop it, don't put this child into the situation of forcing him to lie to his mother.
I my kids have multiple grandparents on both sides and for my dad it's Papa _____ , possibly could he call you mama S. ? instead of mom , mom is a reserved name.

3 moms found this helpful

All children go through a stage of calling their mother by their name. They think it's cute and you can break your child of that without requiring someone elses child to call you mom. It's highly inappropriate to expect someone elses child to call you mom. That's just my opinion. I'm sure that in some families it's done. But I don't get it and never will.

I wouldn't care if my son wanted to call his stemother mom or not. I wouldn't tolerate it! Thankfully, I'm no one stepmother and my husband and I are together.

I did have 2 of the worst stepparents EVER. Maybe that's why I feel this strongly. So don't take it personally if my view is the minority.

3 moms found this helpful

I don't think he should call you mom, he already has a mom. Decide on some other name he can call you, I don't think he should be put in the middle of this by sitting him down and telling him to call you mom, that's ridiculous. I agree with his mom, if he is not comfortable with it he shouldn't do it. and by saying she is lying about him being uncomfortable you're saying that his relationship with you is stronger than his relationship with his mom, I believe he is more comfortable with his mom and that's why he told her that in confidence.
good luck,

2 moms found this helpful

I was the step child many moons ago and I'm not sure who was the one trying to make my siblings and I call our step mother "mom". But she is not my mother and I did not want to call her MOM. She didn't deserve to be called MOM by me anyway. Our Mom was still a part of our life but we lived with our dad and step mother. Needless to say we did not call her mom cause our mom had a fit and that was the end of that. My step mother was not a very loving or caring person to us. She was great to her own children.

Fast forward a few years and I met a man who had a son and I vowed to love him and care for him as if he were my own. He called me MOM the first date we went on and no I was not ready for that. After we were married and I had him full time then he began calling me mom and we were fine with that. His mother was not a part of his life except when it suited her. His mother even introduced me to her now husband as my step son's mom. That was a weird situation. So our son has always called me mom and her by her first name until just before his 12th birthday. She wanted him to come stay with her for the summer and we agreed after talking to him about what he wanted to do. He came back from there a different child. She filled his head full of all kind of lies and turned him against us. And it worked in her favor because then he wanted to go live with her. Against my wishes his dad let him go. He still lives there at 19 but he still calls me mom when he sees me. Although everything that goes wrong is always my fault ultimately he knows I have always been the constant in his life and I will never stop even when he treats me badly. So does a title really mean that much? No, not to me. As long as he knows you love him and you are there for him that is what is important. He can call you Ms. S. or momma S. or meme. I know a family that does it this way and they all get along good. The birth parents are mom and dad, the step parents are meme and papa. Good luck to you and your family.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Beth. You may have been in his life since he was a baby and that might be a part of why his natural mother has always been against you.

I can see there's more going on here than meets the eye. You've spent some time putting the natural mother down (deserved or not), while building S. up, to point of coming off like a bit of a martyr. (i.e. "I even help him make things for her for mother's day, and have told him, he doesn't need to do things for me.")

You and Dad need to speak with your own child about what she is to call you and why. Let your stepson call you by your first name. An eight year old is not old enough to make important decision, especially a decision that will cause conflict between his father’s home and his mother’s home, putting him in the middle.

Lastly, it would be perfectly fine if your stepson recognized you on mother’s day. There are wonderful Hallmark cards that express heartfelt sentiment for stepparents. I do acknowledge that in some cases the stepparent is the better parent.

Blessings…..

2 moms found this helpful

I am 28 and my step dad had been in my life since i was 8. He is the only father i have ever known and i still have never called him dad. I have always called him by his name. I love him dearly and i consider him my dad just have never called him that. Now that i have kids i call him grandpa. I dont feel there is anything wrong with him calling you by your name. If he truley does want to call you mom then he shouldnt have to hide it. I know i would HATE it if my kids ever called someone else mom. I am married but if anything were to happen i would not want them calling another woman mom. I am thier mom, so i kinda get why she wouldnt want her son doing that. It is however the childs choice, but maybe back off of the subject for a while and just have him call you by name. Its not that horrible if he doesnt call you mom is it? It is a touchy subject and a tough situation, and i hope you can all come to an agreement that will make everyone comfortable. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

hmmm...this young boy has 2 women who he has that love him and care for him and that he can call mom, how blessed he is. So many kids out there don't even have one. In my opinion everything is about perspective. You feel one way and the ex feels another. It is the same situation, but the feelings change. Divorce is hard enough on the kids let alone having the parents quibbling about titles.

Here is my perspective:
What does your stepson want? He is the only one who matters. He is 8. It is time, like you said, for him to make his own choices. Yes, he needs to be respectful of his other mom, but truly, if he feels connected to you then mom should be your name. (I am 42 and every single one of my friends moms, I call "Mama Jo", or "Mama Chris". I have ever since I met them. They are special in my life and I want them to know it)

S., the bottom line it this. It may just be time to sit down as a family - yes all of you and be clear on what is going on. Let the boy tell everyone what he wants.

And as for the "he doesn't have to make anything for me on mother's day...my oh my...no wonder there is confusing. Either you get the title with the role or you don't, you need to be clear. He is 8 now, what happens when he is a teenager and testing his boundaries...what happens when you have sent mixed messages about what "mom" means and he pushes you? Something to think about.

B.
Family Success Coach

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think it's appropriate for him to call you Mom. Your not his mom, and his mom is still in his life. He also shouldn't be calling you mom and then lying about it to his mom. Both are wrong. I'm sorry. Yes, I am a stepmother and have been for almost 18 years. I had that delusion of being "mom" for about 30 seconds when he was 3. Anyway, he has always called me Miss P.. We never came up with anything better, and it never bothered me. You can talk to him, and try to come up with something less formal, and more endearing. Let him be a part of that.

1 mom found this helpful

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