Something Has Been Bothering Me, Why Would Anyone Do This? (As a Mother)

I am not allowed to give my grandchildren presents on Christmas. I am allowed to give them presents on Eid, however. They are Muslim. This woman's granddaughter could be of a religion that does not celebrate xmas (Islam or Judaism, for example).

It could be a religious thing, or it could be that the family is holding some sort of nasty grudge against grandma. Which isn't hard to believe, I see many women on here saying they will 'ban' their kids from grandparents over the most minuscule of disagreements. Or grandma may be some manipulative, crazy person, so the parents had to finally say what is what... you never know.

I don't think anyone can really shed light on the subject because we (including you) don't know the entire story. Her extreme kindness to you and your daughters may not extend to her daughter.

Please try to keep in mind that the daughter may have reasons, unknown to your grandmother, for refusing the gifts. Mabey they were inappropriate for the granddaughter's age. We really, really can't judge!

There are two sides to every story. There is no way to know the other side so I wouldn't judge.

It doesn't really matter why - it is their family dynamics - but how sad for them.

Please write this lady a heartfelt, wonderful thank you letter. Accepting the gifts from her is your gift to her.

God Bless

It could be anything under the sun from mental problems, relationship problems, a petty fight, a huge fight, or even a difference in religious beliefs (I'm not 100% sure but I don't believe Jehovah's Witnesses accept or give presents on holidays). We have no idea, and you probably never will either.

There is no reasonable answer for this...it must be personal.

Jehovah Witness or just not getting along.

Some people believe they can't take it (money) with them, so they spend it.

I couldn't get my head around a situation like that.
But I know of O. very similar situation.
My mom has a friend who had watched her grandchildren from birth while her son and DIL worked FT, O. child with diabetes and very care-intensive with food, naps, etc. Her DIL HATED her. Why? I don't know for sure.
Now, this woman might be accurately described as very direct, a bit over-bearing but she was an A#1 grandmother. Caring for the kids, taking them places, weekend trips, even.
Once the DIL stopped working, she forbade the grandmother to see the kids. They had a huge fight and drew the entire family into it. I believe the argument was over discipline.
This woman used to try to find out the kids sports schedules just to try to see the kids--from a distance.
If she would send gifts for birthdays or Christmas, the DIL would send them back, unopened.
What broke her heart was thinking about how her grandchildren probably thought she didn't love them enough to see them anymore.
It's now (YEARS later) to the point where she is "allowed" to take them out for lunch for their birthdays. The woman has to ASK if she could buy them something and if so, what exactly.
Funny how this DIL tolerated her MIL while she was providing them with FREE FULL TIME CHILD CARE though!
Truly heartbreaking. But it happens.

Who knows...honestly, there's a lot of drama in some families, like it or not, and it manifests itself in different ways. It's sad.

If this woman isn't being appreciated by her own family...which would be something between her and her daughter (and not her own grandchildren, who are just pawns) you never know if it's HER fault, her DAUGHTER'S fault, or somewhere in between. There may be a very valid reason that the daughter has said, "No gifts." I can imagine a few (from my own experiences with my mother).

If I were you, I'd try to forget that side of it and just show your appreciation for the wonderful gifts she gave your children.

oh dear...you probably don't want to get into other peoples' family drama...i have my own (see my question on it lol) and it's just..MESSY. hurtful and doesn't make any sense. why WOULD anyone turn away a loving family member only trying to care for them? there are many reasons, most of which we probably wouldn't understand. just say a little prayer for her and let your daughters enjoy their gifts. kind of a secret santa huh? pretty neat :)

Probably religion. My MIL is a Jehovas Witness. She converted when my husband was about 9. No gifts were allowed to be given to the kids around the holidays, otherwise they were considered 'holiday' gifts which are a big no no in this religion.

As many people said, who knows? Many, many possible reasons. Send a lovely thank you note and appreciate that she wants to indulge someone. Sounds like this is someone who doesnt even see your children so I can't imagine any harm from accepting the gifts.
You never know how kindness to people will come back to you. My husband was always insistent about having our elderly neighbor over at Christmas and Thanksgiving as she had no family close by. When it came time for her to move she sold her house to my parents under the appraised value because she thought it would be nice for them to be near their grandchildren. My parents had wanted her house but because of its fabulous location (water, cul de sac, gorgeous old oaks, etc) the woman had a LIST of people that wanted to buy it. In the end, the money didn't matter to her, she went with what felt good. This may be the case here. For some reason she and her daughter don't see gifts the same way - and gift giving feels good. She wants to feel good, she gives gifts to someone who has been kind to her in the past.
The spirit of Christmas.

We have an honorary grandma (mother of a friend) who sends my kids pretty lavish gifts on EVERY holiday and birthday. I've been sort of beleaguered in the past by the mountains of thank you notes I always have to write, and since my kids get tons of stuff from tons of relatives, I sort of wondered why she did it. BUT, I always made sure to write a thoughtful card, usually inclusive of photos including the gifts, etc. I felt, she took so much time, and spent $, it was the least I should do, despite sort of wishing she wouldn't send stuff due to my own disorganized, cluttery, overscheduled personality.

Well, I heard through the grapevine, that her own kids never send thank yous for the things she sends to their kids, they always get lost and forgotten, etc. and for that reason, my kids are sort of "special" to her. Also, she has a very tough time caring for her husband's advanced Alzheimer's and some other issues, and it means so much to her that we appreciate the gifts and consider her a grandma. So ANYWAY, just thank her, she loves you guys, and it does her heart good to have you being appreciative.

Maybe the mother has gift guidelines for her daughter that the grandmother won't abide by.

I agree with the others who say don't judge, just be grateful. We do not allow our kid's grandmother to send gifts as she was verbally and emotionally abusive to our entire family and tries to "make good" by sending expensive things. The gifts get sent to Goodwill immediately, as I do not like having such negativity in the house. As long as the woman is sweet to you and your family, this may be how she shows she cares for you and appreciates what you've done in the past (good karma, I guess!). A nice thank you note is definitely in order.

Unless you hear both sides of the story you'll never know why the situation is the way it is. It could be religious beliefs (perhaps the daughter converted to one of the religions that DON'T celebrate Christmas ... 4/5ths of the worlds population doesn't) , it could be personal beliefs (how many posts have we seen on this site about "commercialism" and not wanting all kinds of "junk" in the house, wanting to live a "greener" lifestyle, etc etc), it could be a falling out for whatever reason between the mom and the grandmom.

It's hard to tell and impossible to judge (although plenty will LOL).

Without knowing all the circumstances it's hard to say why the mom doesn't want the grandmother to buy gifts. Maybe it's certain types of gifts she didn't want her to buy but when she couldn't abide by those wishes she said no gifts at all, you never know. The moms idea of a good gift may be totally different than grandma's. I think it's a bit much to tell people what to and what not to get your children. I know if there is ever a question our relatives ask us if they would like something or if something is appropriate. It's sad that the decision the mom made obviously makes the grandmother feel bad, but who knows the whole story.

Definitely make sure to send her a thank you note, that was very sweet of her to think of your daughters!

Wow, I am so shocked! I can only guess that the mother and grandmother had a huge rift between them and for some reason, they just won't let her send gifts or have contact with the child. To me, that seems cruel and like its punishing the child for something that has nothing to do with them. Its wrong. I think if you can, you should try and get in touch with this woman and maybe "adopt" her into your family---she sounds very sweet and is obviously very giving. She may be very lonely and I am sure would love to ge to know your daughters and be able to dote on them. GL

M

Hi there ... I have read through all the suggestions about why this happened and the ideas for truly embracing this by saying a genuine and heartfelt thank you. I agree that you should say a big thank you. Since she is part of your extended family (husband's grandmother) I hope you dont get sucked into whatever drama is around the gift giving. Say thank you, dont poke around and try to figure it out. You've been given a gift and from some of the lovely stories below you are the recipient of some nice gifts for your girls.

I agree that maybe it's best to just send a very nice thank you and be appreciative of the generosity and love your children receive. Sometimes we get to points in our relationships where they are so broken that things like this happen. You don't know what kind of a falling out they had.

I have a neighbor who I suspect has no children or grandchildren. She gives DD gifts that she doesn't have to, but I appreciate the gesture because we like her and we look out for each other.