Sisters Delivery

I agree that it's hard to give advice without knowing the back story, but one thing in your post stood out to me: "This was suppose to be a sister ro sister moment and it wasnt and never will." I would never think of the birth of my child as a moment where bonding with my *sister* of all people was of the utmost importance. First and foremost, I would think it would be a moment to bond with my husband and then possibly my mother. So the fact that you're taking this so hard makes me think that there's a little bit of competition with your BIL over each other's relationship with your sister.

I don't love my sister's husband. Among other things, he barred me from their wedding - and she is my only sister as well. But I've learned that my feelings toward him don't matter. If I want to have a continued relationship with my sister and any children they may have, I need to learn to let go of any grudges and resentments. I don't have to like him, I just have to get along. Because if I put my sister in a situation where she has to choose between me and him, I will lose. And that's all there is to it.

I don't know if you have or will have any children, but perhaps you can plan to have her present at the birth of your babies so that you can have the bonding experience that you were hoping to have with the birth of hers.

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I agree with everyone's response to your question. This was not a "sister to sister" moment. You were not in the room when the baby was created therefore you should not be in the room when the baby is born. The birth of a child is an extremely emotional and powerful moment for a couple. It is a bonding experience that will be forever in their hearts. Do not take it personally. You did not mention if you have children or not. Perhaps, one day you will and will look at your behavior from a different perspective. Until then, love your new nephew and show your support to your sister and BIL.
Good luck!

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I know you wanted to be there. But, look at it from his point of view. This was a special time for the two of them to be together and bring another child into the world. He wanted it to be private and intimate. He may have felt you would have been an intrusion on this. Everyone is different. Some people want everyone there. Some people don't want anyone there. It's great that your sister was willing to share it with you, but he wasn't. So, you have to be respectful. You have no right to be angry. Let it go.

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First of all, congratulations on the birth of your nephew. Every birth needs to be celebrated. Nothing is more important than welcoming a new baby into a family. You never know what may have transpired in the delivery room...it could be that she had complications of some type and the doctors wanted to limit the number of people present. Like the others have said, it is hard to know the full story, but usually the birth of a child is meant to be a bonding experience for a couple and then, secondarily, to bond the extended family. This should be a happy time for your family and not a time where you and your BIL have grudges of any type against each other. The best way to deal with your anger at the situation is to realize that even though you could not be in the delivery room for the birth of the child, he and his mom and dad need your help with so many things. As his aunt, you can be a significant part of his life. Maybe begin by calling your sister and brother in law's house...offer to take care of their older child while they have time to sleep, etc. You could prepare meals for them that they can store in the freezer or clean house for them...offer to do anything you can think of to make their life easier to help with adjusting to a new child.

The focus should be on your nephew, not on your anger. If you think about him first, then in time your anger may dissipate.

Congratulations on your nephew and best of luck.

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buy homeopathic remedy called Staphysagria 30C. take 5 pellets just before going to bed, and 5 first thing in the morning - even before you open your eyes (keep in under the pillow : ) it will set you to the right path
Good Luck
V.

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Without knowing the entire back-story of why/how come it happened and "why" your BIL didn't allow it... its hard to really know about the circumstances.
AND...in the hospital, I'm sure your Sister must have been aware of her Husband keeping you out of the birth? Or did she not have any say in it.... WITH her husband? Or did she?

Sometimes, when giving birth, the couple does not want any other people there. I was like that. ONLY my Husband was allowed to be there in the room with me. My choice. I also have a sister... my only sister... and a Mom, but I did not want them there. It just felt like added "pressure" to me... and I just wanted to "be" the way I wanted to be, giving birth, with my Husband only. Not having to "please" everyone else. It was a private moment for me. Both births that I had.

I know its hard not to feel some resentment... but without knowing the full story or "why"...perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt... unless he has a long history of being rude to you? If not and if he is generally nice and decent to you... then I would try not to "blame" just him.

Try talking with your sister about it. Maybe there is a really rational reason for it. But keep in mind she just had a baby and will be very tired and busy... and not wanting to play 'referee' right now probably. She has to adjust to her new baby and help her eldest child too.

all the best,
Susan

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I hate to say this but her husband should be in the delivery. She and her husband made this baby not you and your sister. I agree with the husband this is a very special time for them, not you. Unfortunatley you are going to have to get over it or you will be causing problems between the husband and the wife. Just my opinion take it for what it is worth.

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Sorry, you are not going to like what I have to say, but it is honest. A childs birth is not a "sister to sister" moment. It is a parent to child moment and if that is how they chose to have it, you should not be angry with him for not wanting to share that with you. This moment is for the parents and they, as a couple, have to decide what is important to them. Maybe when you have your children you can still share this moment if you still have the same perspective. I am really not trying to be mean, just trying to help you see a different perstpective of the situation. Right now you should just try to put your anger aside and be there for your sister in this very special time. She is probably so torn if you are putting her in a position to be at odds with her husband and you. Just my insight from the outside. Hope you can resolve this.

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It is the beginning of THEIR family.

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Well, it's not up to the husband, it's up to the one giving birth. Of course now this is all over and done with so it would be best to find it in your heart to forgive him and enjoy your new nephew!

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I am sure your upset becuase your expectation was to be involved however I couldn't help but respond becuase I wanted to express that I believe that the birth of a child is a Husband and Wife's special moment and I can understand why the husband wanted this moment for just them. How wonderful that you had the opportunity to share that with her once. He should have told you in advance but maybe he felt this would have only caused tension during what should be a time of celebration. Please let your anger go and enjoy your new family memeber and respect that even though she is your special sister she is wife to him.

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Something seems off about the story. You may need to consider the possibility that your sister changed her mind in the moment and gave the job to her husband to take all the blame. I have a hard time imagining a husband not giving in to his laboring wife's wishes. I have a feeling she wasn't begging for him to let you in. If it is as you say, it looks like he and his wife didn't properly discuss the situation and he determined that these moments are husband and wife moments. By the way, I've had friends invite me to be in the L&D and then I never hear from them until after the birth. They explain that in the moment, they really didn't want the spectators and I totally understood. I think you need to let it go. But if you just have to bring it up, make sure you don't burden your sister with it when she has a newborn, has adjusting hormone levels, and is sleep deprived. In other words, give it three months or so.

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Hi E.,

I can understand where your brother-in-law is coming from. This is the birth of his child and he probably wanted to have it be an intimate moment between the three of them - Mom, Dad and baby. I would not take this personally. Share in the joy of the new baby but respect the role of his father.

It sounds like you and your sister are super close and that is great. Maybe your brother-in-law felt pushed aside. If you truly want to share in your sister's life you will have to respect and understand your brother-in-law. If you try to see it from his perspective I am sure you all will be able to work it out.

Congrats on another new nephew to cherish.

C.

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Hey E.,
It certainly sounds as though you are hurt from this experience, but I would try not to take this personally or that it is a rejection of you.
My husband and I just had our first less than a week ago, and we decided that we wouldn't allow any family to visit until we went home from the hospital. We really wanted it to be a special moment, and to be honest, we felt we had the right to be selfish. After all, we waited 40 years for our little man to enter our lives and we were transitioning from being a twosome to a threesome. Our lives will never be the same, and we really wanted time to take it in and enjoy the experience for what it was, an enormous and beautiful change. So, speaking from experience, know that your sister and brother-in-law really do love you and want you to be a part of their lives, they just really needed this time to enjoy their newest little miracle and take it all in.

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It's not a sister to sister moment as you said. It's a husband and wife moment, In my opinion. Imagine it the other way around... if you were giving birth to your child, and your husband was insisting his brother be in the room for the "brother to brother moment". Um no thanks.
Basically, both parties have to agree who else is in the delivery room, and if her husband wanted it to be just the two of them, well that's what he wanted. I don't blame him. I felt the same way, I wouldn't have minded my own mom or sister in the room with is, but certainly didn't want the in-laws in there, so I just kept it to me and daddy. Glad I did. Everyone else came trooping in soon enough after to see the baby that first hour.
Let it go. Don't take it personally. Try to understand from his point of view, it's the birth of HIS and his wifes child, not yours and your sisters.

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E. when I read your post, I was in two minds. Here is what I thought: First, how dare your BIL do this to you and is wife. Is he always controlling? Does he feel threatened by your relationship with his wife? What other things has he done and what how does he feel about your relationship with their first child? I always worry about controlling men and if they are trying to keep their wives away from their family.

Second thought: (Please do not take offense) Did you get your sister pregnant? Child birth is a very intimate experience as is the conception. Sometimes a man wants to share this only with his wife and not have others with them. It is their first bonding moments that matter to them and that is where he might be coming from.

These are just my thoughts and I hope that I provoked thought for you. Please do not harbor anger towards him. That will not be good for you, your sister, her children and your BIL. Talk to your sister and then to her husband and get it out of your system. Holidays will be happier if it is out in the open.

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May I just be frank and tell you that you need to move on and get over this? This is not an event between your sister and you; it was an event for your sister and her husband. I understand you are close; but this was not a "sister to sister" moment. Where it CAN be a sister to sister moment is the help, love and understanding you give to your sister following the birth. Bring over some home-cooked meals for her and her family and offer to clean the house and run errands for her. Set your anger aside or your relationship with her and your brother-in-law could be negatively affected. Good luck.

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No offense, but the birth of a baby isn't really a sister to sister moment, it's a husband/dad and wife/mom moment. You just need to respect your brother-in-laws wish and move on. Perhaps your sister had even asked for this and her husband was just the messenger.

N.

You need to let the anger go. Your BIL had every right not to have you in the delivery room. I am sure he wanted it to be a intimate moment between the 3 of them. It is interesting that you said it was supposed to be a sister to sister moment but you didn't mention the FATHER/HUSBANDS participation in all of this. No wonder he didn't want you in there.
Enjoy the new baby. There is plenty of sister to sister bonding that can occur once the baby comes home from the hospital.

Hi, E.,

Obviously, I don't know all the details of your story, so I can't give you the most in-depth answer. Also, each person has a different view on who she/he wants around for the birth of her/his child. I would have been happy to have nobody around during the delivery, although I asked my husband to hang around just to make sure the doctor didn't leave gauze inside me, something that a friend told me a doctor might have done to his wife if he, my friend, had not been there. My husband was useless for that as he cannot stand watching surgery (I had c-sections both times.) My sister would have been, too, as she faints at the sight of blood.

Coming from a graduate psychology student's point of view, here are my two cents:

Ask yourself what exactly is special about watching the birth of your sister's second child and what bothers you about the situation. How are other parts of your life right now? Perhaps spend five minutes writing down whatever comes to mind. Keep it to yourself for a few days, and then review what you wrote. This activity may give you some insight.

You might also benefit from reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, "Full Catastrophe Living." Even a chapter might help. You might also benefit from reading "Attitude of Gratitude," which is a short book.

You might benefit from and enjoy listening to one of the Health Journey CDs by Belleruth Naperstek. I think that there is one on anger and forgiveness.

I believe that everyone can benefit from mindfulness. (Meditation is one form of mindfulness.) If you try this for even a few minutes a day, you may gain some clarity on this issue and even resolve it!

One thing that helps me is looking around me and seeing international news. I am neither a farm animal nor "feeder" animal/fish/bird/insect waiting to die a painful death. Nor am I in a frightening, painful situation, as are people directly affected by wars, natural disasters and chronic illness. (I study chronic illness in humans and do volunteer work for animal charities, so I think about suffering often and try to improve other sentient beings' condition. To complain about any problem I have, as valid as the complaint may be, seems almost disrespectful to many people and animals.)

If you're still upset about the situation weeks from now, consider consulting a psychotherapist.

Best wishes,
L. E.

You say that you and your sister agreed you would be there, but did she tell her husband the plans? Obviously, she would think to tell him if he didn't let you be there the first time. I think it's the birthing mothers' right to choose who gets to be there. There's not much you can do about it-it's up to your sister. Be there for her and support her decisions. I'm sorry you didn't get to be there but you can be there now for support. Best wishes.

Hi E.,

I truly understand how you feel. My daughter had my first grandson and her husband finally allowed me in the room with a serious attitude and she end up having a C-section, so it worked out for him after all.

Your brother in law sounds like my son in law and I just sum it as them being unhappy people and must have control for some sick reason. I feel as though my daughter and your sister are the one's that should speak up, and why they don't makes me think that it would cause problems in there household abd it shouldn't. The person that you say you are in love with and you know that they love their family, why would you want to come between that bond, unless you have a motive. Just keep in mind that you'll never be able to capture that moment again and his issues will come back to bite him in his butt one day. Just continue the unconditional love for your sister and never allow him to come between the two of you, no matter what. Remember the issue is between you and your sister not him, don't give him that, he doesn't deserve your energy.

Peace be with you
C. H.

Not to be a jerk, but this is THEIR event. It's not about you - in ANYway. Build that bridge and start to get over it.

New babies are a ton of work, so I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to bond with your sister and the baby.

I have to agree with the comments everyone is making about this birth. It isn't about "sisters", it is about a husband and a wife that created a child and they should be there to share that moment together! You are a supporting role, not a primary. You shouldn't be angry at your brother in law, you should understand his position and respect it. I'm curious to know what your sister's thoughts are on this subject as the birth was taking place, did she disagree with her husband's request?
Realistically, this isn't about you and you should understand his position.
I have not and will not have anyone but my husband in the birthing room. It isn't how we want things to be done, there isn't a need for anyone but us "the creators of our children" to be there for the delivery. Time for all of the family to rejoice in the birth is afterwards.
I hope you can learn to deal with your frustration, let it go and just be grateful you have a new nephew to love and care for as an Auntie.

I understand your frustration, however, you should try and understand that the birth really belongs to the mother and the father. It is their experience. Many parents decide to give birth with just themselves in the room. It does not mean that your sister and her husband don't love you and want you to be an important part of their children's lives. It just means that they wanted that experience for themselves.

Sorry for your sadness : ( I wish, for all your sakes, that the issue could have been discussed before the birth,no matter what the outcome of the decision.
Sisters do have an amazing bond, and I'm sure you will continue making amazing moments together. You have to let this event go. Babies carry so much joy! Don't bog down that joy with you anger.
I have to say, being there was not your place. It was great of you to give your support, but even if everyone agreed that you should have been there...you should have respected their ability to change their mind. Your joy should come from the fact that YOU were the only other person that they (almost) shared this moment with, what a gift!! In the moment, parents can never know what they will be feeling and experiencing, it would be selfish and immature to hold that kind of grudge. Take the high road sister, and rejoice that you have a new healthy baby in the family...and continue to give your support : )

E.,
It may not be easy but it is simple. You just let it go. You remember the love you have for your sister and your new nephew and even your BIL and you let it go.
You know that you will have many amazing moments with your family and you just let everything else go.
You be the amazing woman that you know you are and you just let it go.

B.
Family Success Coach

That is a very special Husband & Wife moment. You shouldn't be upset w/her husband. If he just wanted the two of them...thats ok. It's their special moment.

This was his child's birth too. I love my sister and on that day the only person i wanted there was my husband. You gotta give them space to be a couple and bring in a new member of their family into the world. Who knows maybe she changed her mind last minute and didnt want to hurt your feelings. Try not to make it about you. You are this child's aunt not parent. I am not trying to diminish your feelings- but try to see theirs.

Take a deep breath, realize that your sister loves you, and continue to love your nephew! I can only imagine your heartache and disappointment. You can't be sure why your brother in law didn't allow you there, but it could be something very personal for him rather than something against you! Maybe his ideal was "just his family" sharing the moment or he felt he wanted to share this intimate moment with his wife and that your presence would detract from it. You may find some help in talking this over with a non-related friend or a conselor.

I am sure this must have been a disappointment for you however, the agreement probably should have been made ahead of time with you, your sister AND her husband,

No offense, but usually I think of a birth as a husband and wife moment rather then a sister to sister moment.

If you and your sister agreed I am sure she would have told her husband. Maybe she decided it was best for just her and her husband to be in the room (people do change their minds) He may be the one who told you so you wouldn't have any hard feelings towards your sister and she didn't want to upset you. It may not be that he's a horrible monster, it may be he was protecting his wife's and your relationship.

Although you and your sister may have wanted to share her birthing experience, it really isn't a sister moment. Your sister and her husband created this baby together in a very intimate way and they should both be able to decide who to share it with (if anyone). I would suggest making peace with your brother in law so that you can have a healthy relationship with your sister and her new baby and maybe even your brother in law. Enjoy the future and don't dwell on the past. Especially since what he requested wasn't evil or wrong - just a personal choice about his family. Wishing you well.

Try to see it from his point of view-maybe he wanted it to be a moment just for the three of them. It's understandable. Maybe you could table that anger, and just enjoy the beautiful baby. And if you are still angry at your brother in law, just remember that he is family, and he makes your sister happy.

People are saying that birth is not a "sister" moment. I was lucky enough to think ahead and have a planned homebirth, with a midwife, and my 3 sisters were here, along with my mom and husband. Everybody has their place. I was so glad to have all that love around me. I am also glad that my sisters were able to see my baby girl from birth, it is an amazing experience. Your brother-in-law should have respected his wife's wishes. It is unfortunate that he had to put a bad spin on an exciting moment.

E.,
This is a time to just enjoy your new nephew and help out in whatever ways you can that your sister needs, she is going to really need your support with a second baby! As I am about to have my 3rd child soon, I know how important the birthing experience has been for my husband. I can see how your BIL might want to share that experience with just he and your sister. You can feel disappointed for sure, but angry, you should just let it go. Good luck.
J.

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt by all of this, but I have to tell you that if I were her husband I probably would have wanted to be alone with my wife for the birth of our child as well. This is a very intimate moment in a family, between parents. I only have one sister, and I don't think I would want anyone besides my husband to be there while I was screaming, writhing, throwing up, and all of the other exciting moments that you experience in the hours before birth. If your sister were there, you might choose to ask her for help instead of him, and how would that make him feel? LEFT OUT - of his own child's birth. Maybe the beginning of the last century was the time when women shared these moments together, but in today's civilization of involved dads, the father's should really be the ones to help out.

I disagree. It is between her & her husband & THEIR private moment THEIR baby. she is married to him, not you & between them THEY created this baby. It is nice you got to be there the 1st time though. You should not be angry with the husband at all...you should throw your arms around him & be happy for him & congratulate him. This is THEIR special time. Help them at home with meals, babysitting etc. My sister was with me for my 1st as well. We allowed it because she wanted to experience a live birth & she was sterile. Congrats auntie!

The way you feel about this shows in your choice of words - "MY nephew" and "MY sister." To you, this is about family; this is your family, and you feel strongly about it. Many women feel that the sister relationship is the closest, strongest relationship they will ever experience. It's understandable that you feel hurt.

Now think about how your brother in law feels. (After all, you want him to think about how you feel.) To him, it was about HIS wife and HIS son. To him, this was a supremely intimate moment with his wife. It was also the first time he would see, hold and speak to his son. It undoubtedly puzzles him greatly that someone else would even ask to be there, since this is HIS family. Having anyone else in the room feels like an invasion of privacy to him, as well as an attempt to stand inbetween him and his wife on a very important day. (I've heard this expressed as, "If they weren't there at the conception, they don't need to be there for the delivery.") He felt that it would spoil the moment for him if he had to share it.

There is no point in trying to figure out which of you is "right" and which is "wrong." Trying to do that will make you, your brother in law, AND your sister miserable. People are very different, and have very different needs. What one person wants, another doesn't. It's not always possible to make everyone happy.

Try to focus on the fact that you both wanted what you wanted because you both love your sister and nephew very much. Focusing on what you have in common will help you get through this.

If your sister is disappointed that you weren't there, she will speak to her husband about it, but that's between the two of them. Don't try to be a part of that conversation.

Congratulations on becoming an aunt again! Enjoy all the wonderful days ahead.

Sorry, E., but this was "their" moment. You're obviously hurt. Most importantly, there is a little baby whose come into the world to find peace and love. Let it go...and be happy for your sister AND her husband. If you start to give him/them a hard time, you'll only create distance between all of you and trust me, you will be putting your sister in the middle and that will be painful, as well as for you. You will end up losing in the end. Let it go... be happy and enjoy this wonderful and joyous time! God Bless.

Your sister and her husband created a new life together, without you there. While I am sure it would have been a wonderful experience to be there when your nephew was born, ultimately it is a marriage moment and not a sister moment. I'd respect that and let it go.

Hi E., I am sorry you are feeling sad, What it sounds like is that you and your sister tried to turn a husband and wife moment into a sister to sister moment. You mentioned you both agreed, but what about the husband? it sounds like he was left out of that agreement, that's his moment as well as his wife. You can tell your BIL how you feel, and that may help you feel better. Anyway congradulations on your new nephew. J.

I don't think most people realize that anger affects the person who is feeling angry - and not really the target of that anger. It is bad for your mental and physical health. I don't know the circumstance behind his not wanting you in there. I would say all the time you have spent trying to figure it out why is wasted time, because you'll never really know another person's motivation.

The best thing you can do is forgive - for your own sake! Decide you want to let go of the anger. Then try to catch yourself thinking about it as quickly as you can. Replace that negative angry thought with something else - whatever you choose. It could be something like, "I've decided not to think about this anymore." or "I am so lucky to have a new baby nephew I get to see this weekend."

This is true for people angry for pretty much any reason.

I am going to speak for your brother in law.
I have 3 kids and for each and everyone it was just me and my husband. I am sure we pissed people off. These were OUR babies. Not the Aunt's and Uncles and Grandparents and friends babies. I assume you brother in law felt the same thing. Your sister may be mad at him too. But, she shouldn't have told anyone they could be in their delivery room w/ out consulting the dad. It isn't just her delivery room. A new baby is here, you need to love him, and let go of your anger.

E....What did your sister want? Congrats on being an auntie. You can always be there for your sister in other ways... preparing a meal for them when she gets home, decorating her yard to welcome baby.... make a little cupcakes and help big brother sing happy birthday to his new brother.. catch it on video.

You can still share in all of those magical "auntie" moments without stepping on daddy's moment. Babies are surely special and it's a blessing that you want to be a part of it...

I agree with everything that is being said here and would like to add that maybe your sister changed her mind as well and asked her husband to be the 'bad' guy. This is a time for taking a big deep breath and release all of the negative and then take a nice big breath in of all of the positive and beautiful:o)

as some other said, you gotta let this one go. this was their choice (or his) and you have to respect that as tough as it is. As long as he isn't an jerk from now on out though. let it go.

It had to have been very frustrating! My own sister was very angry at me for missing my nephew's birth (by a few hours I was on a plane coming home from a wedding) only for me to find out when she had her second that she was induced ON PURPOSE and for three years she made me feel guilty. Ugh!

My point is one thing that I kept telling myself through the guilt (before I found out that she induced the day before even though she knew I'd be home the next morning...) I told myself that it was okay because I would be able to be around and play with him his whole life and the birth was only one day and I got to see him at the hospital too. I know that it doesn't lessen the anger but I'd say you need to figure out how to get past that so that you can be the auntie that you want to be.

Good luck! You can do it...do it for your nephew and your sister!!!

Really? Are you kidding me? This isn't a "sisters" moment! You had nothing to do with the creation of this child. This is a moment and a focus on this family...the mother, the father, the new baby and the first child. You are a supporting member to that central group, that's it.

I have two sisters and neither were with me when I had my kids. Neither me nor my sister were with our other sister when she had her kids.

Really, get over it. You are being completely ridiculous and self centered. Let this man enjoy his family. It's his right, not yours.

-M

I'm sorry, but that was a "mommy to daddy" moment, not sister to sister. I am guessing he may be jealous of your close relationship with your sister. You can love them and support them and work hard not to be a wedge between them (don't make her choose between love for her sister and love for her husband).

Everytime I am hurt, when I think of the person who hurt me, I think, "Please Lord, give him his highest good--whatever that is, I don't know, but please give him what he needs." After a while it doesn't hurt so much, then a while later I can think of that person with kindness.

Good luck to you--just love on that new baby! : )

Somehow.......your going to have to let it go. The sooner the better. Why didn't your sister have enough balls to stand up for you? I'm irritated now too. Don't you have resentment towards your her? She was to blame as well.
Just wondering. Take care.

I am so happy that you and your sister have a great relationship and that she requested that you be in the delivery room both times. Sorry that you missed the sister to sister moment the 2nd time but her husband missed the wife to husband moment the first time and wanted it the second. Give him a break after all your sister loves him very much so he can't be to bad. Spread the love you have towards your sister to him or else you will cause problems in their home if you let it become an issue. If she is upset then she alone must deal with him and no one else it is their relationship. She may have wanted it that way and didn't want to hurt your feelings and made him the fall guy. Smile and be happy to have a loving sister and a healthy new nephew.