Disagree About Mom in Delivery Room

Well, like the response before mine, I don't know your specific situation, and she points out a lot of good questions to ask your husband. But I thought I'd just share my experience with the birth of our son. My mom had not planned on being in the room, but she drove us to the hospital so my husband could help me through contractions during the hour long drive. She ended up being told by the midwife to "grab a leg" while my husband held the other leg :) She was able to video tape before and after delivery and we have fantastic memories caught on camera that wouldn't otherwise have been because my husband was so busy with me and then our son. She got great pictures of my husband just looking at our newborn in his first minutes - and then she stepped out of the way and let us have our time with him (without being asked) and totally didn't intrude.... which isn't exactly like my mom... She didn't even hold the baby until the next day! If you guys set out rules ahead of time, your mom is likely to remember how special the day of your birth was, and respect your wishes (I hope). Oh the other hand, my mom stayed with our son while our daughter was being born, and it was just me and husband in the delivery room. We still got great pictures and a little video, and we were all just as pleased with the whole experience... So in the end it's a decision you guys have to make together and say sorry if other people's feeling are hurt.

2 moms found this helpful

My best friend wanted me in the delivery room for her 1st child & her husband said no. He thought it might hurt his mom's feelings (who was in town) that she couldn't be there. My friend gave in & it was just the two of them. After the baby was born, she very much regretted it. Right away she said how she really needed me there & it would have been so much better. She was also sad because she didn't have a lot of pictures.

For her next baby, she "laid down the law" and told her husband that I would be in there and that she needed me. He didn't fight her and said ok. I was there & gave her support & also took pictures. It worked out great for her & if she has another baby, I will be there again.

My advice is to go with what you feel you will need. Hopefully your husband will come around.

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A.,

Okay, so here's the thing about birthing plans...they are just plans and everything can change at the last minute! But, like my doctor told my son's father...it's about the birth of the baby and not about who likes who or who doesn't want someone around.

My son's Dad and I weren't together after my 12th week, and even though he did partcipate in some doctors appointments and was around a bit, he did not want my Mom in the room. They have not ever gotten along, and he didn't want her getting in the way or being around. But, I was very firm about what I knew would put me at ease during the birth of our son, and for me it was having my Mom close by. We are very close and this was a HUGE deal for me...being it was the birth of my first and maybe only little one.

With that being said, my WHOLE plan got thrown out the window and my son came 8 weeks early and was born via emergency c-section!! But, I made sure my Mom was allowed to be nearby so, she could be there for me and see my son.

I think you need to sit down and explain that for your peace of mind and comfort during this very important time, you'd like her to be in the room. Trust me, things change on a dime and if my Mom wasn't there NO ONE would have taken ANY pictures of ANYTHING because no one had the foresight to bring a camera to the hospital that day except for my Mom. In the end, it's just one of those things a girl wants to share with her mother. If he's worried about her stealing his thunder or getting in the way, make sure he knows that she is just there for support and make sure she knows too!

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

i didnt have that issue with my daughter. i told my husband who was aloud in MY room durring my delivery. i had my mom his mom my oldest sister and my youngest sister and of course my hubby! in the room while i delivered. but i also had many other people in and out of my room before i delivered like his brother and girlfriend and some other family. i would just explain to him that you want more pictures then the few the nurses will take. remind him that if something goes wrong the nurses wont take pics if the baby is in trouble. my hubby and i have no pictures of my daughter right after she was born because she was girggling and not breathing well so they rushed her to the nicu. however i know when ever my husband and i have a second child i think that i dont want anyone in the room with me besides my husband. my reasons are because of his moms big jelousy issues over my daughter. tell your hubby that your mom will stay up by your head so she wont be in the way. im sure you will work something out and if not your mom will understand. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I think your mom should be there with you, my mom was in there when I had my last, my husband welcomed her and my sister during the deliverly of my daughter. I think your husband may not want your mom there cause his mom can't be there. J. L.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. That is tough. You have to get clear answers from your hubby on why he doesn't want her there. Then try to work around that. For instance...if he just doesn't want to be embarressed if he faints or whatever during the actual delivery then maybe she can step out for that brief time. He is putting too much pressure on himself. A woman needs as much love and support at that time as possible. I personally didn't want anyone else there, but that is because I didn't feel any one could offer me the support. Explain to your husband you will be going thru a lot of pain and discomfort and you need as much cheerleading as possible! Ultimatly it is your body and you need to feel as empowered as possible! Try to reach a comprimise because it is more than just not wanting to hurt feelings...it is YOUR support!

What a sticky situation!

Why is he so adamant about this? Is it because his own parents won't be there?

Sure, the Nurses can take pictures for you, but they are busy too... after-all. HE can take the video footage himself. That is what my Hubby did, when I gave birth, with both my kids.
My Hubby did both, taking pictures AND video.

Does he and your Mom get along? Is he just wanting 'privacy' for the birth, or just not wanting 'interference' by in-laws in the room?

Maybe he is just self-conscious, because this is HIS first baby being born, and wants to be himself without having to have anyone else around. To enjoy it privately with you, ONLY. For HIM to be the one holding your hand, not your Mom. For him to be the one who is helping 'coach' you... not your Mom. For him to be the one to offer support and emotions... without your Mom 'watching' him. There is nothing wrong with that either.

IF his Mom were able to be there... would he 'allow' her to be in the room during the birth? Or is it just YOUR Mom he doesn't want there?

The thing is, this is your first birth too... and any woman has dreams of how they want it to occur. It's normal.

For us, I did not want anyone else in the room except for my Hubby. I did not want to have to contend with ALL the personalities in the room... nor my Husband. We just wanted OUR time together, privately. So that is what we did.

But everyone is different. Just try asking your Hubby WHY he does not want your Mom there? Does he have a reason?
Sometimes, men just want to be the first one's to see and hold the baby... not share it just yet.. to savor the moment unobtrusively and in private... in their own time. And that is understandable too.

The thing is, you want to resolve this so that 'everyone can be happy with the outcome and be able to just cherish the experience...." as you mentioned. BUT... is this for 'everyone'? Really, it's for you and your Hubby, who are giving birth.

Maybe your Hubby fears being pushed aside by your Mom, because after-all, you said that you and she are VERY close. So...where is HE is all of this? He has to come first, too. And it will set a precedence for later... for how he is 'treated' as a new Dad. Will your Mom come first with the baby, or him?
It may sound trite... but men think about this. My Hubby did... because my family is VERY strong-personality-ed.

Next, you'll have to decide, what will happen after you get home with baby? In other words, as a new "Dad" your Hubby may want privacy, and you may want everyone around. Have you talked about this yet?

For us, my Hubby felt pushed-aside by my strong personality family... so I had to speak to them about not getting in the way so to speak... and to KNOW that my Hubby needs to be respected, as a 'new' Dad. So, it can be uncomfortable too, for the Hubby. So think about this aspect too. Sometimes, my family was SO eager to carry our new baby... that my own Husband was hardly ever allowed his own private time with our baby... and THEY were carrying the baby more than him. How irritating is that for a Hubby/new Dad? It's not fair.
New 'rules' of respect have to be invoked... for the enjoyment of all, but with the Parents as the key role and rule makers, with their new baby and their own nuclear family.

But if your Hubby is simply being 'selfish' about it and has no reason for his not wanting others in the room... well, you both have to come to an agreement about it. Or, is his own Mom giving him flack for not being able to be in the room too? So maybe he is telling you this?

The thing is, it is your Mom/his parents that should acquiesce to this situation & your birthing plan...not your Hubby. WHO is the priority here?

I really don't have an answer for you per say.. .just some ideas and things we went through.

All the best,
Susan

i am closer to my mother in law than my own mom and i choose to have her there instead of my mom. my mom was crushed with the first birth however i was adopted and so she had never had a child i wanted someone there who had been through the experience. i do understand that your husband takes issue with your mom being there but it is your body and you are the one who will be pushing a child into this world you need to be comfortable and if having your mom there is important to you than you need to make that clear and let him know that this should be your decision.