Single Mom

Hi N.. When I read your request, I just had to respond. My name is E. and I am a 25 year old single mother of a 1 1/2 year old boy. I've basically been a single mother since the day he was born. I'm not going to lie to you at all. I've alwayz been a strong independent woman and have been able to face and deal with any problem that has come my way because, just like you, I've been taught to be independent. But being a single mother, has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do my entire life. But you know what?...I'm doing it. Me and my son have all we need and are happier than we ever been, when his father was around.
N., I feel very strongly about a woman's happiness. I feel that every woman deserves to happy especially when there's children around. I've alwayz been taught that if a man is not making you happy, you do not need him around. You do not need to live an unhappy life and if you are not happy with him and continue to stay with him, you are basically choosing to be unhappy. Because we all have a choice to live the life that we want. I chose to be happy which is why I separated from my son's father. Alot of woman stay with their partner only because they fear being alone or they fear that they are not going to make it. But if you are a strong independent woman, I believe u can make it on your own. Only you know how independent you are and only you know how ready you are. If you feel ready to be on your own, do it. You don't need somebody by your side that it going to be bringing you down or acting like a second child. You have a newborn that you are going to be attending to and you need your partner to assist you with that newborn, not act like another child and make things harder on you. Let me just say this, I feel very proud of myself for what I do for myself and my son. I work a full time job and everything I have, I have purchased on my own with my money cuz I worked hard for it. My son has everything he needs and he has enough people around him that give him all the love he needs.
Besides your independence, another good thing you have going for yourself is that you will be graduating soon. I have an associates degree myself and believe me, that has helped me out alot because due to that, I have a great job as a paralegal in a huge law firm.
I believe that when a woman has her education, a job, strong independence, and family memebers by her side such as her parents or brothers or sister, I believe you have it all.
I have my mother that helps me out with my son and that's all the help I need. I will say this, when you come home from giving birth, I hope you will have someone around to help you because you will need it.When I came home from giving birth, my mother was a great help. The best help I could get and even now she helps me out a little here and there but what ever help she gives me, it's alot to me because it helps me out somehow.
I really hope things work out with you and your husband so you will not have to go through a divorce but only you know if you're at the point where you know that it's not going to work. Woman alwayz know if it's worth to keep trying or when it's time to just let it go. I wish you the best but alwayz keep in mind that it takes a real woman to be a single mother and by the little that you mentioned in your request, I know that you can do it. It sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. I know you will be a great mommie. : )Here is my email address in case you ever need someone to talk to ____@____.com

Hi N.,

I'm so sorry for your current situation. I know what it's like to be in a marriage that isn't working. I am 32 and am divorced, I have no children from that marriage. I am now remarried with 2 kids. Please try therapy to help determine if there is a chance to save the marriage. That's what I did. Therapy is a great tool and should be used by the whole world. It's hard to communicate with people and marriage and family are hot issues, so is anger. If a therapist can help you, it'll be obvious pretty quick. My other advice is to talk to a lawyer ASAP and mention that you are pregnant. I remember that being a question the lawyer and judge asked multiple times. I'm not sure what that means, but make sure you are able to go through with the divorce while you are pregnant.

Regarding his issues...no man is perfect that's for sure. But, it sounds like this man has problems that you shouldn't be forced to deal with and if he's not willing to work through them, perhaps with therapy, than perhaps you are better off without him. Trust your instincts because they are usually right!!! I divorced my 1st husband because of his anger issues and because I realized (like you) that I didn't want him to be the father of my future children and subject them to this man forever more; obviously it's too late for that for you because he is the father. One of your jobs as a parent is to protect your children from harm and if this is a concern, you should do what you can. Please talk to all your family and friends (and his family too if you think you can gain some support and advice from them too) about your problems and make sure they are aware of all the facts. The support you will get from them will be important now and in the future. If you are afraid of this man's reaction to your telling him your feelings and desires for a divorce, then have someone with you when you tell him. I'm sure it will be very hard to make this decision, whatever it is, but remember that this man will be in your life forever because of your child, so divorce or not, you'll have to mantain some kind of relationship, so the more friendly the better. I hope this helps a little, good luck.
S.

Dear N.,
I am reading your story and it is as if I wrote it myself. I had the exact problem in my marriage. I was supposed to do everything by myself, and when I demanded help, my husband became angry & hurtful because I was "hasseling" him. He also expected me to just accept his anger issues, instead of changing his behavior. What I was most aware of was the fact that as a parent I was a role model for my daughter and I had to be very concious of what I was modeling for her. There was no way that I wanted her to think that this was what marriage was all about and have the same kind of relationships for herself.
I am now in the process of getting divorced, but I do not necessarily know that this is what is right for you. My advice is to seperate if you have the resources to, so that you can get a little break and your husband can get some perspective. You have to get some counseling and take a look at what you have in your power to improve the marriage. If you end up getting divorced, at least be able to say that you did EVERYTHING you could to save the relationship. If you can honestly say that you did all you could and it still is a bad situation, then there really is no alternative.
Just keep in mind that when your daughter asks you about the split you want to be able to be honest and be proud of what you have to say about it. This means taking a big lesson in biting your tongue and not participate in petty arguments. My divorce seems to be taking forever to get through, and my husband still attempts to be hurtful, but I will not engage in fighting anymore. I can hang up or tell him to talk to my attorney. It is very difficult to be fake and talk to him regarding our daughter as if I don't want to drive a fork right through his eye, but I have to be a bigger person for her sake.
As far as being a single mother now, I was pretty much one when I was with my husband anyway. The only difference is now I am a lot happier because I don't have him bringing me down every day. It can be frustrating when it is all on me to do everything and I can't even consider him an option. I do get lonely and miss him in the sense that I miss who he was when we were first married and things were solid. Nonetheless, I am where I am in life and I accept it. I enjoy life now that I am out from the cloud of depression I lived in when I was with him and I am a better mom for it. It will not be an easy road, but whichever way it takes you will be rewarding as long as you put forth every effort. If you want to chat, feel free to message me and we can swap war stories. Best of luck to you!

N.,
I would suggest that you keep in mind that you are pregnant and your hormones are very imbalanced right now. I am not sure how bad your situation is but if it is simply that he needs a "mom" than I would think you may be able to work through that with couples therapy. If he is physically abusive than that is another story but you still may be able to work through that but I would not stay in the same home until things are worked out if he is doing that. I understand that you don't want him to interfere with your child's development but if you can work it out than try for the sake of your child. I HIGHLY recommend going to couples therapy for a little while before making a decision. Good Luck.

ha there, I feel so bad for you. Pregnancy is one of the most beautiful times in a mother's life. You should be enjoying it, not stressing. I'm 22 as well, mother of a 4 1/2 year old boy. I'm kind of in a similar situation except we're not married. I feel that yours and your childs happiness and well being are far more important than staying together.
Do you want to be miserable for the next 40 years? Or divorce x amount of years from now? Then on the other hand a father in the home is so beneficial for the child. I'm sorry for you troubles. It's so hard to leave once children are in the picture. That little voice inside of you is telling you what the right thing to do is. Listen to it. Women's Intuition!

If this is a violent and life threatening situation, you need to leave immediately, like YESTERDAY!! I am a true single mom, and it is tough, real tough. Sorry, girlfriend, but, I cannot sugar coat it, and say its worth it, but, IT IS WORTH IT!! Its a struggle, but, you are strong, self relient, and and my advice is, Believe in yourself and your capabilities, reach for your dreams, and always THANK GOD for your blessings, and never forget that there is ONLY ONE GOD, and NO ONE on THIS EARTH is HIM!!! Leave now, while you still have your self esteem, and your soul. I commend you, 100 %! If you want my phone number, if you need a friend, to have someone to talk to, and lean on, I am a talker, no doubt, but, I am a good listener too! I have been on my own since I was 18, which was tough enough, and then I had a daughter when I was 38, (I am 47 now), and had no idea, how times have drastically changed, and men whom have childhood and anger issues, are plentiful in this world, but, in reality, they are who they are, and they only get worse, cause life gets tougher, and they are low lives, and garbage. PERIOD! You can take a pig, put a dress on it, but, it is still a pig!! GET OUT, GET DIVORCED, and don't look back! Always look foward, and you will reach your dreams!!! If you need a friend, let me know! Meanwhile, my name is J., and my email address is: ____@____.com.......... May God Bless You.

check the website www.babyfit.com. its free sign up and there is a section about single moms
good luck

N.,

I am not a single mom but after reading your request I felt compelled to write. If your husband does have anger issues and does not treat you well you may very well want to consider suggesting counciling. If you do decide on divorce I would probably have someone else present when you do bring the subject up (a trusted family member, etc) so his anger does not become physical.

All the Best,
V.

Hi, N.,
I'm a single mom, I'm independant, but of course, there is something missing in my life. First, I would advise you look again at your thinking to divorce. Does he wants a divorce? Do you realy want to be divorced, while you are pregnant? I went through all of this, I know, it's hard. Especialy, when you need somebody loving at your side. Do you have a good friend, sister or a relative, who you can reach for a shoulder? At least temporary? Just put your husband matters on a side for a while? Just, maybe, freeze them for now? Maybee, he'll come to his senses, when the baby is born? Maybe, just hold on for a while, until your precious daughter is born? It is going to be plenty of time to divorce until you daughter will be teen. I know, it hurts, but do not make fast decisions, which you may regret in the future. Like people say, seven times mesure , one time cut.(That's kinda straight translation from Lithuanian, you might have similar saying in English)
On the other hand, we single moms, survive, because life tells us so, and we love our children. What moms wouln't do for their kids? I have house, I have a job. I struggle, but survive. Of course, I would like not only survive, but live, but I know, other moms do.
So, that would be my advice to you, I hope, at least something was helpfull.
Good luck! And remember, everybody, no matter of advices, has to make OWN decisions, because it is YOUR life, not mine, not your best friend, not psychologist's...

Hi N.,

I was only 17yrs old when I got pregnant with my first child. It was not hard at all I had all my time and attention for him. Dont be scared if you really think that this is a problem that he can not fix do what you have to do to keep you and the baby safe. Also talk to your doctor have him/her send you to speak to a specialist before you even tell him what you want to do. You can also stay away for a few days before anything go to your Moms house or a friends house. Maybe he will realize that he needs help.

I am know married with two kids my husband is great but not what I want him to be that will never happen. Men are always going to be men. It was so hard in the begining with moving in with him and adjusting to his life style. And many other issue that we had. N. there is so much that I will be able to talk to you about but I am kind off short in time so if you want please feel free to call me at ###-###-#### this is my cell number. I am know 26 with two beatiful kids that I love to pieces. They come first than anybody in my life. Please feel free to call me I am sure that you are going thru allot. Always think positive and do what's its right for you and you child. Give your daughter a good example starting today be a roll model.

Hi N.,
I'm a single mom as well- on a rocky road with the father- we are together- but he just decided to get a vasectomy and now I'm very torn because I desperately want more kids at least ONE more- I have an 8mth old. He wants to be with me and be a family just no more kids. I would be happy to talk with you about any questions you have. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you as do I... Your daughter is first- obviously- but you need to be safe and happy so she can be safe and happy and grow into a responsible independent young woman. It is very hard- but people do it all the time :)....
Call me anytime or email
###-###-####
____@____.com

I'm 25 and a single mom of a 3 year old daughter. Her father hasn't really been around since she was born. It's been hard paying for daycare and other necessities, but I've manage. There are programs that can help you with things such as daycare expenses and food. Also, if you do divorce your husband, I would be sure that he will help support the child. Whether it be in court or on your own. You guys are young and I'm sure that is why your husband is acting how he is. I'm sure you know, guys take forever to mature. I wouldn't want his attitude around my child either, but if you should not live with him, I wouldn't keep him from seeing your daughter. Although it has been hard for me supporting my daughter Lillian on my own, I would never take it back. We've been kind of growing up together. And not haveing to worry about a man has been great. I can do more things with my daughter. If you want to talk some more, you can e-mail me at ____@____.com luck!

Hi N.,
I am a 35 year old single mom of a 4 year old boy is my pride and joy though I have to agree with all the ladies that counseling, I believe, would be the best immediate step to take. In a therapy setting you can sort out what you're feeling in a non-judgement setting so that whatever you decide to do you will know that your decision is based on a clear mind and not just a moment in time. Of course, if you situation is violent you have to remove yourself from the situation immediately, for your safety as well as your daughter's. Being a single mom is not easy but as my mom alway told me: "ain't nothing to it but to do it". Check out meetup.com and look for the single moms group. It's a great group moms (and dads) who have now become single parents. Not only will it be a good opportunity for your daughter to make friends as she gets older but it will give you an opportunity to interact and lean on other parents who are in similar situations.
Good luck and may God bless you in whatever decision you deciide is write for you.
P.S. For sliding scale counseling services check out Metropolitan Family Services...they have several locations throughout Chicagoland and I have used them myself.
--M.