Shy

It sounds like she's not really ready yet for these classes. She is only three and if you take her out now and try again later when she's older, she won't miss out on anything and it will be a better experience for everyone. I remember my mother making me take swim lessons when I was real young. She would just drop me off. I was scared to death and sat in the corner and literally peed on myself the entire class time! It was a nightmare and I don't think any child should have to experience that. she has her whole life ahead of her - slow down a let her enjoy her childhood!

she is still a bit young. Mine are shy as well when they are uncomfortable. Then they will open up a little. Try role playing at home, it will take some time, but helps.

A.,
My son was the same way and what I found was that just like you said if he missed a class(tumbling class) or if something changed and wasn't exactly as it was before he would be real shy and not participate. What I realized was that he would much rather watch at first and then do it. We would always stay and he would sit with me, sometimes for a whole class, and he would eventually feel comfortable and join in. He is 4 1/2 now and will get in front with his preschool class and sing in front of all the parents. He did have a sub one day and he got shy for a minute and leaned on me I explained to him that his teacher was sick but this teacher is going to do fun things, thank goodness the assistant teacher was the same girl, he went in but was a little quiet. When I picked him up he was so excited to tell me all the different things the sub did. She will grow out of it but I bet she will always be an observer. My son's teacher said when they would learn a new song or something he would watch at first until he felt comfortable and then would jump in knowing the whole thing.
Just let her take her time,
C.

We have a 6 year old introvert. Introversion is not quite the same as being shy and it sound like your 3 year old might fit the bill. Introverts can be very outgoing and talkative when they are in their comfort zone (generally with close friends in small groups, family) However, new experiences, people and situations can be very difficult. I would recommend the following book which was a life saver for us, "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World" by Marti Olsen Laney. Amazon has it for $10 and it helped us more than I can say. It changed our perspective that we had to help our daughter become outgoing for to be happy. Instead we are helping ourselves understand the tools to be happy as who she is.

I would suggest getting her a few best pals. Children develop independence among their peers. The classes are good preparation for school readiness.How about having regular playdates 2x a week with the same pal in a simple environment? There is no pressure and the kids discover what they want to on their own. I am studying Montessori Education. Maria Montessori was all about children working together to gain independence and pride in the tasks that they prefered doing. Montessori ed is awesome....check out some web-sites. Montessori heard many times over, "teach me to do it myself", by the children. There are simple things in the home that you can let her do that will give her a sense of independence and confidence. In my two's class I loved guiding the kids in making muffins etc. They washed their own dishes, watered the plants, fed the fish, made their nap mats etc.....They helped me when I was confused! Best of wishes to you and your treasure.....she will Bloom before you know it. Make sure you keep track of the missed classes and then let her know in a nice chat that you would like her to commit to making them up. Tell her how many classes are left and remind her a few times. Kids do this all of the time.....I would also suggest making sure you check with the policies of make-ups and credits before you pay for anything. I still have $100.00 of credit at gym because my daughter pooped out. suddenly.

Hi A.,

I haven't read all of the responses, but I would give her some time. My daughter is what is considered the "shy side" also and now that she is 4 years old she is much better about playing with other kids and adjusting to new situations. Some kids just need a little longer to develop their socialization skills. I would be supportive of her and try to look for activities that don't require a cost so you won't lose the money when she doesn't want to go. Places like parks, story day at the library... and maybe take her to things with a lot of people where you can be there to encourage her that it's ok to meet new friends. I don't think it will help her to bribe and reason with her. It just puts more pressure on her to do what she isn't comfortable in doing.
I think being careful is a good thing... and just because she's cautious now doesn't mean she won't develop into a confident person. Her personality might always be one that is more of an observer than outgoing.

Good luck!

She's only 3. No point in forcing her at this age. I think forcing it would have the opposite effect at 3. I can remember my daughter whispering her answers to the teacher during share time when she was 4. (It was so cute!!) She's not shy now, at 15. For that matter, when my daughter was 3, I tried putting her in a little preschool in someone's home just for a few hours, and she cried the whole time and I had to take her out and wait for another year. Shy behavior does not determine your daughter's personality at this age. As she gets older, you can push her more.

A.~ One of my daughters is also very shy. She is now 7 and still tends to be quite apprehensive in new situations or in large groups. I have to do a lot of reassuring and her shyness has seemed to improve over the years. I also did what you did...enrolled her in classes, joined play groups, lots of play dates and park excursions and it seemed to be futile. I finally realized that no matter how much socializing I did with her, it wasn't going to change the core of her personality...which tends to lean on the shy side.

Now I'm way more sensitive to her personality and can predict how certain situations are going to make her feel and then I'm able to give her plenty of reassuring before she's in the situation.

What I don't do is let her shyness become an excuse for not wanting to do certain things. If she wants to be in soccer, ballet, gymnastics, do piano, etc. that's fine with me (not all at the same time, but you get the idea) but she can't quit. If she makes a commitment to do something, she has to see it through and once it's over she can make the choice of signing up again or not. She's older now and gets it, but it's no different than when she was 3...I always made her see a class through to completion because I don't want her getting into the cycle of starting and quitting if it's not going her way.

I tell her all the time that I was painfully shy as a little girl, but had to make the choice to join clubs, make friends and put myself out even though it sometimes didn't feel natural because loneliness isn't a condition of shyness it's a choice and although she is shy the best remedy is making good friends and finding activities that she is totally comfortable with.

That said, yours is only 3 and won't quite get all that, but if you say it enough over the years she will eventually get it...like my daughter. She's still shy but she's got a good eye for what a friend is and a great sense of what she likes and doesn't like.

Hang in there...I know it's hard to watch, but she'll be alright. Just don't push her to be outgoing, but continue to put her in situations where she can grow (w/out quitting).

Good luck.

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You seem to be doing the right thing. I suggest making a visual chart with pictures and being very matter of fact about the schedule for the day. After you finish each activity give her a sticker on the chart and praise for doing a good job. You might even have a special treat at the end of the week if she gets a certain number of stickers. Also, if she does not earn them in a row still have a reward when she earns them even if it takes a long time. Stay positive. Bribing is OK! Don't feel guilty about it. You sound like a great mom.

Sit with your daughter and give her a couple of options of things to do. Give her two choices. She will pick one and you can ask her why she picked that activity and then ask why she didn't pick the other. Do that with a few different things so she doesn't clam up on you. You might be surprised and get the answer that you need.

She may not like the fact that there is a different teacher each time. Consistency is big with kids.

You cannot make a person be outgoing - just keep introducing her to new things and you will find what she finds joyful.

Shy is OK. She is careful. I like that.

MLD

As a former shy kid myself, please be sympathetic. I am the youngest of 5, and all 4 of my siblings are outgoing and loud. I am a very quiet person and prefer one good friend to a big noisy group. My parents could not understand my personality, since all my older siblings did great in any situation, while I clung to my parents and did not want to try new things. Try talking to your daughter about her sudden change of heart. Did something happen in her last class that made her uncomfortable? I had a dance teacher that age that liked to single people out who didn't know the steps and make you perform in front of everyone, something I dreaded majorly. I can still remember clearly this many years later being singled out, so yes, it can be traumatizing. What helped for me was my mom made friends with another mom in my class and then scheduled lots of play dates with one child and we became great friends. She made sure we had plenty of opportunity to see eachother over summer etc. After that I looked forward to dance because I knew I would see my friend every week. We made sure to sign up for the same class each year so I always had that consistent friend for me to lean on if need be. It is great that you are taking her out to play groups and lots of places for her to gain confidence. Try to find something she is naturally good at and encourage her to pursue it. I was athletic, so as soon as I was old enough to participate in sports I did, and it was great for me. The rule in our house growing up was that if I asked to participate in something, I had to see it through until the end, but if it was my mom's idea, if I didn't like it after 1 month, I could quit. My mom helped me make at least one or two friends in every new activity I started. Some of those friends I am still close to almost 30 years later, so they became life long friends. I am no longer painfully shy, and actually quite outspoken, but I also have so much more confidence than I had as a child. I am still quite reserved in new situations and prefer to have a few close friends that a whole lot of casual acquaintances, but I think I function completely fine as an adult. My husband and I moved across the country on our own where we knew no one and I have made some great friends out here too. I know it is hard, but just have lots of patience with her. Forcing her to do things will only make her shyness worse. Arrive early to activities so she can get aclimated with fewer children and any opportunity you have to help her make friends, do so. The more you push her, the more likely she will be clingy, so try to encourage without pushing, and let her do activities she is excited about, since if she is interested in what is going on, she is less likely to realize her insecurities. Also, if she doesn't have a couple of good buddies at this age to have regular playdates with, you should try to find a couple of people who she gets along well with and encourage playdates etc. My kids both have best buds (they are 2 and 4) and they are so much more confident with a partner in crime.

Hi A.-
I had the same issue as a child. What I have learned is that they are usually caused by something. It may seem insigificant, but to your princess it could be devastating. Ask her if someone was mean to her or did something that made her feel uncomfortable. She may have stood up for something and been raked over the coals by her classmates. I really think that listening to her now, and validating her emotions and and insecurities she might have, will create a stronger girl down the road. YOu are doing well by socializing her, and for that I give you kudos.
There is another school of thought that came to mind- you are the parent and she needs to trust you and do what you tell her too. If that means going into class, then she needs to go. If it means you need to sit in her class until she is ok again, or maybe monitor her through a window, she may just need reassurance that you are there to protect her...just in case. But your rules need to be followed. A gentle discipline will move her along.
Good luck!
-E.

I know your heart is in the right place but she is only three years old. She can't really "commit" to anything at this age. Some days she may like to go and others she may not.
We all want our kids to be outgoing but classes are not for everyone. Find a small playgroup or just go to the park a lot.
You can always wait a year or two and try again.

Hi,
I used to be shy when I was really young. I remember sucking my thumb and hiding behind my mom. I still am shy, to a degree, but I just came "out of it" after awhile. I think if you don't make a big deal out of it, then she'll come out. She probably gets quite a bit of attention from her parents when she acts shy, it just encourages her. Give her some time.

Hi A..

I was painfully shy all through high school. At about age 15 I put myself into musical theater and it really helped me overcome my fears. To this day (and I'm 48!) I am still shy at times. I think it is something that doesn't go away completely, but I can be a big ham at other times.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing with the dance classes. She will meet lots of people and the recitals will help her overcome her fears. Keep encouraging her. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

Hi A.,
I'm a grandmother of 2 little girls, and 2 boys. Three years old is so young. Try and not be so demanding of her. The more your force her to come out of her shy shell, the more she will retreat back into it. She sounds like she is very attached to you. Let her be a little girl. Have fun with her and only her. Save your money and try again when she is older.

Ask yourself, "why do I want her to be so involved"? It seems to make you happier than her.

Remember to praise her when she accepts change. But in any case, be patient with her.

L.

Find out if your daughter had a bad experience in gym. I found out a very late stage in life, that no one really cares if you are shy or not, so why be shy. I wouldn't know how to tell someone so young that. It works with older children. Maybe she just doesn't like ballet or her legs were pulled and it was painful. Make sure she takes a hot bath to relax the muscles after she dances, so there isn't the pain later. I learned this from 9 years of dancing which I begged to talk.

My grandson didn't like one class Jujitsu (spelling?)and later excelled in football. It was a waste of money to send him to the other. He just didn't like it.

Hi A. -

There are two things to think about here -- one is that your daughter may just have an introverted personality, and that her way of 'being' is to absorb and observe first before she decides to join in. Trying to change her into an extrovert, someone who is outgoing, not only won't work, but could cause her emotional distress.

The other thing to consider is that she may have what is called social shyness, which can be more difficult to deal with and is something that may need addressing. I'd start by Googling social shyness to learn more about the condition and to get some tips on how to cope with it. If by the age of 4.5, she still is having difficulty with 'everyday' transitions and new people/things, I'd recommend having her assessed by a psychologist. If you need referrals for this, I'd be glad to help.

Good luck!

J.

Hi A.,

We have been through the same thing. My daughter actually refused to do the recital after the purchase of the costume and the cost of lessons for a year that she sometimes loved, sometimes refused to do. Grrrr. Sometimes she was very shy and sometimes she wasn't. Now, she's 7 and she knows much more about herself, I can see that she was just too young at 3 and 4 to be in a structured activity like ballet classes. Some kids may be able to handle it but I think, generally speaking, kids that young should just be allowed to "be". They've only been on this planet and breathing for 3 years!! We don't want our kids to miss anything but if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't have wasted the money and frustration on anything structured prior to about 6 years old.

Good luck!

It sounds like she likes consitancy. Try that...otherwise she may just be a shy person. And there is nothing wrong with that....

You have gotten lots of wonderful advice. Have you tried parent participation classes? My daughter was also very shy and hesitant to try new things. She also either loved daycare or didn't want to go (waving back and forth every other month or so). So I signed her up in parent participation music class and a ballet class where the parents were in the room. Right now she is signed up in a parent participation swim class since I wasn't sure how she would take to the swimming pool. It's been almost 3 years since she was in a swim class where she majorly freaked out. Now, she loves it. She is wanting to "swim on her own" (in an inner tube) or with the teacher. I think she is ready for the next level where she will be swimming with other kids her age. She is turning 4 next month.

I think that by having my daughter in a few parent participation classes, she has gained a confidence that she may not have gained without my presence with her. I now feel that she will be willing to try other classes on her own. Maybe you can find a parent participation class that you both will enjoy. : )

You've gotten a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to point one thing out.
When you take her to a make-up class, it isn't the same as having a substitute teacher in her regular class.
It's an entire room full of strange children.
For a shy kid, that's a lot to deal with.
I know it's hard to pay for classes and lose the money, but probably make-ups aren't going to work for a long time.
Three is really young.
At this point the "classes" aren't anything serious.
If they add to your total enjoyment, fine.
If they turn into stressful occasions, then chuck them.
You have lots of other (free!) opportunities to let her socialize.
Don't let something that is supposed to be fun turn into a big deal.

First, accept her and love her for who she is, which I know you already do. If she's a shy person, that's part of her personality, it's part of who she is. Just be accepting of it. Maybe give advice from your experiences. For example the first time my daughter was invited to a bowling b'day party, she clutched my hand in fear and said, "What if I'm not good at it?" I just casually said "Nobody's good the first time, it's just a game for fun!" She believed me and went on with the party. I was a shy kid and my mom constantly forced me to do things like girl scouts, etc., and I hated it. Just compliment her on her strengths, that will give her confidence, and support her as much as you can with her anxiety about new things. She'll eventually come out of it to some degree on her own.

Her earlier shyness, may have been a sign that it is in her disposition. The psychological research basically says that shyness is a personality trait. I understand and agree with encouraging a shy child to interact- say hi & bye, playgroups, etc. The part that I would encourage you to look at from another angle, however, is the part of equating shyness with lack of confidence. These two do not necessarily correlate. What you want to do is raise a confident girl whether shy or not. Please don't assume she's not confident because she is shy.

Something might have happened to make her uncomfortable. Without grilling her, it might help to ask her gently what's going on, if something scared her, if there is something you can do to help her get her courage back. Good luck.