Shower/wedding Gift When the Registry Is VERY Expensive.

Get her a gift certificate in whatever amount you can afford and don't worry about it. I'm sure you are not the only one, and if she is offended, she's the one who is being rude. Gifts are not supposed to be expected - they are just that, GIFTS. You accept whatever you happen to receive graciously and not carp about it. To only register for really pricey items in the hope that that is what you will automatically receive is in very poor taste. When I registered for my wedding, I think the most expensive item was maybe $200 and if I didn't receive it, I didn't care. I had plenty of things under $100 (some were only $15 or $20) and I got a lot of gift cards too that I could use toward the items that I didn't get. I did that with my guests in mind, instead of expecting them to spend stupid money just because it was on my registry. And what you choose to do with your inheritance is nobody else's business.

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You're not obligated to buy anything off her registry, the items on it are "suggestions" and she should know that. Don't worry about what she will think, give what you feel comfortable with, like a $100 (or less) gift card to the store, and don't feel you need to buy a gift for both if you cannot.

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Get a gift certificate for her in whatever denomination you can afford from the store that has her registry. then she can purchase what she wants. and yes it is rude to have only things that are more than a hundred dollars.

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L.:

You do NOT have to buy her ANYTHING from her registry. Those are items she "wishes" to have - a suggestion. Do some searching - you might be able to find a similar item somewhere else.

it doesn't matter if you came into money and what you did with it. that is NONE of her business...none at all. If you offend her? that's HER loss - not yours. You stick to your budget and purchase what you think she'll like or what you think she'll need....

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Don't you dare break you budget just because she doesn't have a clue. Give her a check or a gift certificate for her favorite store and stick to your principles. It is up to her to be grateful for your gift and use it for good.

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If you have a cap at $100( which is what most shower/wedding gifts fall into) I would do a $ 50 for the shower, and $ 50 for the wedding, or whatever amount you want in gift cards from the registered store. Then don't worry about it anymore. Enjoy the day.

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You are not obligated to buy items from her registry, they are merely suggestions, nor are you obligated to spend more than you can afford and you do not need to justify the amount you spend to anyone. Choose a gift you can afford that you think she will enjoy.

When I got married I got gifts that cost $10 and gifts that were extravagant. Everything was genuinely appreciated.

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A gift card to the store the registry is held at would be prefect. That way she can fill in what she didn't get. Do what you can afford.

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What I would do...get two $50 gift certificates from her store she registered at and she can put that together and make a purchase and pay the difference for her over priced items. I can't see asking that everything be over $100. WOW. Not classy to me.

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Yes, give a gift card from where she has the registry. She doesn't get to choose what you spend or question the amount (that's rude). It is in bad taste to register only for expensive items. You are supposed to have a range of prices. I went to a shower recently where the gifts ranged from things like $10 cooking utensils to $400 place settings of china. It wasn't someone that I was super close with and found that I was able to choose between a $30 salad spinner and a $40 shower curtain. If there is nothing on the registry in your price range, then buy a gift card to the store where she is registered. What she is doing is in poor taste.

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She doesn't have anything in her registry for 100 dollars?? That's actually not nice of her. She can't expect people to spend a lot more they would want to by having all expensive things in her registry.If you like her a lot, and if really are worried that she will be offended if you don;t buy from the registry , then maybe you can share one gift with somebody else who has been invited. I am sure many of them are in the same dilemna as you are. :)
Or I would suggest buying a gift card for 100 dollars for the store she has registered for or a generic visa gift card.

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Can you go in on a gift with someone else? I had some things on my registry in a variety of price ranges and expected that for the more expensive items, people would go in on a gift together (and they did). Do you have another relative who would like to split a gift with you?

Also for the wedding, where I live it's OK to give money (as in a check or cash inside a card that you leave in a basket at the reception, not something tacky like a money tree) as a gift and in most circles, it's preferred. Customs might be different where you live, but ask around and if people normally give monetary wedding gifts, give whatever you wish to give and can afford. A wedding invitation should not be seen as an invoice for a gift (a shower invite, on the other hand, actually is very much like an invoice for a gift and you do have to give something).

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Seriously, it's the thought that counts and not the cost. I personally take registry's as wish lists, and if I can't get something on it, I use it to inspire me so I can find something that would also be appreciated.

If she gets her panties in a bunch cause you didn't spend tons of your money on her, then too effing bad.

She may be in for a major reality check cause I doubt you're the only person having these thoughts.

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Can you go in on a gift with someone else that's attending the shower that you know? With stuff that spendy, I'll bet others are feeling the same way you are! Just a thought....

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I was going to say to make her something and then I scanned and saw that you like artsy stuff. The handmade things, the stuff that can't be bought is always my favorite and stands out as special at showers. Stuff from the heart is always nicer than stuff from the registry. A registry is there to help people select a gift that the bride or mother-to-be preselected as something they would like. I actually got something I had registered for and really didn't like... oops.

Skip the registry, make her a basket of bath oils and lotions and foot massage stuff, things they can enjoy as a couple. How about a kitchen themed basket full of small kitchen gadgets and a useful cookbook loaded into a nice mixing bowl. How about collecting favorite recipes from your family members and make her a cookbook. A gift certificate to take her bridal bouquet and make it into a dried flower arrangement, plus give something too - I don't like just gift certificates, it feels anticlimactic. If they are Jewish how about a beautiful mezuzah for their new home, or something from her faith or heritage that can be used in the new home she will be creating. Maybe something reflecting a memory you would share at your shared grandparent's home. Maybe a photo album of her growing up, maybe a photo album - storybook of the bride and groom using pictures of them as kids, then through the years and how they met, pictures of them dating and ending with a current picture. A personalized picture frame for their wedding photo. Make up a Picnic For Two Basket Set. Make a vase and candle sticks for romantic dinners. Make Stepping Stone Mosaics for their garden with saying about love and the joy of finding your soul mate. Make a fleece blanket for two for them to cuddle up together and watch TV in their new home. Go take a stroll at Michaels Art Supplies or Joann's Fabrics to get inspired. The options are endless, just step out of the box of it has to be from the registry list and come up with what you can give from the heart and within your budget. You are invited to this shower because you are part of her life not to impress other people. Don't focus on the money (no gift cards!) she really shouldn't know what you spent but that you came and gave from your heart and out of the bond you share and the love you have for each other. You are different from everyone else invited to this life moment celebration, embrace that difference and make your gift different too. Enjoy the process.

2 more ideas: for a wedding I was in another friend made a doll of the bride and groom which then was displayed in their home. I loved our wedding invitation framed gift we got and 20 years later it still hangs in our home.

One last one and back to work: One of our favorite gifts was a membership to a nice museum and a walking tours of our city book, something we would not have done for ourselves and made us create Date Days, that maybe with a picnic basket - creative and romantic.

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She registered for her bridal shower?! TACKY! Gifts at a shower should be small home type items or sexy panties depending on the overall mood of the bride and the party, they should come no where near the expense of the actual wedding gift. She is being insensitive and greedy. I would skip her registry all together and just get her something you feel is nice. I hate registry's anyways, I feel like they are asking for gifts, which is something we have all been taught is bad manners. I have never looked at one, nor done one. I give thoughtful gifts I can afford, and if that is not good enough they can shove it, so to speak. and honestly, I can't remember who got me what for my wedding anyways, except the really personal gifts, like the hand made quilt my grandmother made.

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Just get her a gift card to the store where she is regisetered. $100 is more than enough!

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One of my dear friends got married last year. All I could do was $50 for the shower (to a local spa where she goes) and we gave them $50 cash for their wedding.

When her older sister, who I was friends with first and am still very close with got married in 2007, I had just had a baby and was on 60% pay. She didn't get anything. Neither did another great friend of mine who was married a couple of weeks before her.

You give what you can. When I couldn't give, I asked them if they were okay with it and if not I was fine to not attend. They wanted me there, so hubby and I went (with the newborn) and had a great time!!

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If you can, try to find somebody else that you can buy a present with and divide the cost. I have a rich aunt and when her daughter had her Quincianera, everything was so expensive, so between me and my mom got her something.
I am sure she understood, I also understand that her circle of friends can afford those things and I do not expect for her to lower just for me and my mom. It would be nice if they could put a few things on the lower side, but.
Don't let this stress you, if you can't find somebody to divide the present buy what ever you want (can) I am sure is all right.
People don't get married just to get nice stuff, they married because they love each other and the party is a way from them to share that amazing day with loved onces, right?

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Is your budget 100 dollars total? I personally would never show up to a wedding with less than 50 dollars a person (so 100 from me and my husband) unless there was actually no reception. That being said...

I have never heard there being a seperate wedding and bridal shower...maybe it's a regional thing. The wedding and the shower are sepperate events, therefore you bring a present to each one. No, presents are not "required" but to not bring anything looks ungrateful and rude. There is one shower before a wedding...anything else would be greedy. Your cousin either sounds very clueless and materialistic or she already has regular stuff and is registering for special things that can be given as wedding gifts. In this part of the country, you get a present for the shower and then money for the wedding. I would never spend 100 dollars on anyone's shower. I would totally give her a gift certificate...I suggest Williams-Sonoma. I love Anthropologie but it might not be her taste. My SIL got a beautiful shabby chic mirror at her shower and it's up at my mom's house...my brother hates that style. I also don't like "personalized gifts". I got the whole invitation framed thing and thought it looked cheezy all framed and gave it to my mom who liked it.

Anyway...don't feel pressured...I would give her a 25-50 dollar gift certificate to WS and then feel out whether to get a wedding present from her clueless registry or cash.

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The $100. gift card is just fine. That will do as the Shower gift and the Wedding Gift.. Or you can purchase 2 $50. Gift cards to the same place.. One for the Shower and then send her the other for her Wedding gift.

This is done all of the time.

She can use it towards the things she will not receive.

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Asking for expensive things on your gift registry is about the least classy thing you can do.

Not to mention, so many couples live together now, so do they really need all of that stuff?

Give her what you can afford. If she is trashy enough to say something, then you know where you stand with her.

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You do not have to get something off of her registry! Check the registry to see what colors and themes she's going with (blue bath towels, red kitchen appliances, that sort of thing) and then buy something reasonably priced from wherever you choose. Do NOT feel bad about it, and do NOT feel you need to explain to anyone!

Since you mentioned that she likes silver, I do have a suggestion. Buy a silver photo frame (you should be able to find a very reasonably priced one, especially if it's 5x7 or smaller). Then take it to a trophy shop or other engraver, and have their names and wedding date engraved on it. It will be gorgeous and personal.

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I'd give her $35 gift card for her shower and $65 gift card for the wedding. Stick with her registry. I hate "stuff" and registered for things we actually needed and use. I got crystal candlesticks that I returned. I got expensive picture frames that I returned, if I could. I ended up with a house full of things I didn't want or need. Honestly, I'd rather have nothing than useless stuff. Get her what SHE wants, NOT what YOU want to give. There is a registry, no matter how expensive it is, so stick to it and do what you can with it.

I love what you wrote, so write this in her card:
We don't see that much of eachother but I do love you a lot and I hope we will see more of each other as we get older.

Have fun!

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Do what you can afford and if she doesnt appreciate it, then she needs to grow up and humble herself. Is her and all her family and friends rich?
Im sure a lot people feel the same way as you and wonder why she expects such expensive things from her guests. Personally, I think its tacky, not an ounce of classy.
Get her a nice photo album or something for her wedding or honeymoon pics. My sister did this for me and I thought it was really cool, she had my wedding invitation framed for me. Very thoughtful.

I have a feeling shes not going to get much from her registry, her fault....

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What do you get someone who has everything? It's time to think outside the box. Here are some ideas. Put some creativity (thought) into this gift to make it special. It doesn't have to be expensive, but you can give her something good quality that is unique, memorable and useful to their lifestyle. I would go to a craft store, buy a nice gift basket and some fancy ribbons or bows (hopefully colors that match her shower invitation or style). Since you live in CA, I presume that you have alot of trendy stores and boutiques with some really cool stuff. I would do maybe a spa/bath type basket with fancy soaps or perhaps a basket with Godiva chocolates, coffee, wine from a local vineyard, etc. or even a basket made of potpourri, candles, etc. You get the idea. Just make sure that the items in the basket fit her and her fiance's personality or lifestyle (make it all about "them"). Then if you can afford to, just add the $50 gift certificate to where she is registered in the basket.

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Ok, I agree that you do not have to get her anything off the registry per say it is a suggestion, a guide for those who need it. I would get something like a Massage Envy gift certificate his and her if you like or just for her for the Wedding Shower and a certificate for where they registered or an iTunes card if they have iPods for the plane ride to the honeymoon!
Bridal Shower is where the "naughty" items are given
Wedding Shower is where wedding/couple gifts are given
I think over time it turned to a Bridal Shower because guests were bringing gifts to the Wedding Event vs the Wedding Shower or sending them to the couple's new home. And I would laugh at ANYONE if they expected me to pay more than 100 for a wedding gift - honestly soooooooo not acceptable I care not what your taste level is.

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It's really too bad for her that she doesn't have anything reasonably priced on her registry! You are not the only wedding guest with a budget (especially in this economy), and most guests will NOT go over their budget on a wedding gift. She'll end up with a bunch of things that AREN'T on her registry OR nothing at all. You may want to call the store (or tell another close relative) and have them advise her to add things to the registry that are more reasonably priced. This is GOOD advice that any decent store clerk would advise a new bride. They should advise her that unless she has a variety of price points, she'll end up with a hodge podge of things that neither coordinate nor are returnable!
Alternatively, the gift card route is a great way to go. During our first year of marriage, we had a drawer of "cash equivalents" - gift cards from our wedding & showers. We were able to use these to round out sets of gifts that were incomplete, or buy extras of something (like silverware). And gift cards unrelated to the registry are also awesome. Get them movie tickets for a post-honeymoon date night, etc. Also, you can do something sweet and homemade & personal for the shower, and then do a gift card for the wedding gift. Totally acceptable, and it should be graciously recieved and appreciated!

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Honestly, you don't sound thrilled at all to be invited to this event. I can see why you don't spend much time with this relative and don't forsee that you will be spending much time together in future. You seem sort of bitter and jealous....not a good feeling to bring to a wedding or shower. A hundred dollars could easily purchase one or two nice presents.

If you truly can not afford to buy anything on the register, I would suggest something hand made (one of a kind gift)...if you are not artistic, you could find something at a gift shop or craft faire. There is nothing written in stone that you must purchase something from a gift registery.

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I agree with a gift card in your budgeted amount to the place where she registered. There will be things that are not purchased for her that she would like to buy after the wedding.

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Oh, I am so with you on gift registries, L.. I grew up in the South where weddings, showers, and bridal parties are a very big deal. But here's the thing, doing what your friend did would be looked down upon in a major way. The whole purpose of getting wedding gifts (which are NOT EXPECTED!) is to help set up the new (young) couple with their new lives together. The kind of extravagance you describe would be seriously frowned upon. It is extremely bad taste and shows her to be quite gauche. A wedding isn't a chance to be a princess for a day and get a bunch of princess stuff. A wedding is about two people beginning their lives together, and, if you're religious, making a vow before God to love and support each other through thick and thin.

So what do you do? Like you, I hate giving gift certificates. Were I in your shoes, I would go off-registery. You say you like to get kitchen stuff from anthropologie? Do it! That's lovely! It's from the heart. It took thought and effort. It's a gift given with love. Spend what you can afford or what you would like to spend. No more. If she frowns on that? It's a reflection on her, not you. It is not her damn business what you did with your inheritance, and, frankly, the fact that you invested it in college savings shows wisdom and class on your part.

And another thing we do in the very manners-conscious South: If a guest gives a gift at a shower, they are not expected to give another gift at the wedding. Again, weddings aren't gift grabs. They're a celebration of love and new beginnings. Period.

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If you get a gift that is not from her registry, just include a gift receipt. Get her something from your heart, and if she doesn't care for it, or if she received multiples of the same item, she can return it, no skin off your nose. I love registries because it helps give me direction, but if there's nothing on the registry that's in my budget, I go elsewhere with a gift receipt. Her expensive taste doesn't need to break YOUR budget. My best friend got married last year, and knowing her love of cooking and cookbooks, I got her the book "Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day", and got her the things she'd need for the bread (a round baking stone, a 5 quart container, a pizza stone, etc.). It wasn't from her registry, and I'm sure it wasn't the most expensive gift she got...but it was a reflection of our friendship, because I knew it was something she would love. Gifts shouldn't be about "how much money", they should be "how much love"...and love doesn't have to cost a lot of cash!!

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You don't have to get her something off of her registry. How about you get her a nice cookbook and then write her something nice inside? Or, can you go in on something with another family member? If it is thoughtful, you can't go wrong.

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Buy a decent bottle of wine or champage. Wrap it beautifully with a nice congratulatory card.

I never buy from the registry. I think they're tacky, selfish and inconsiderate. Especially in this economy, it should be understood that some folks simply haven't the means.

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If you can't get anything off the registry, go with something personalized. That way, you show you put care and thought into the gift but did not have to spend more then you can. I would check out etsy.com as they have some wonderful handmade gifts you can personalize.

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First off, she registered for a bunch of overpriced, extravagant stuff, which is incredibly tacky.

That being said, the nice thing for you to do would be to get her something thoughtful, and within your budget. A gift card may be the best course of action. We received a bunch of gift cards and cash for our wedding, and those were greatly appreciated to put toward the more expensive items that we did not receive or register for.

For the shower get her a GC to VS. For her wedding give her $100 bucks. We always do cash for wedding gifts.

Neiman's is a lovely store to look in, but I can't spend there either. (Sigh.)

I haven't read any of the other answers - but has the registry turned into a must-do thing? I mean, is one *required* to choose a gift from the list? That seems to me like a child at Christmas saying, "Aaack! Grandma, why did you knit me a sweater? I never said I wanted one! You didn't give me the right thing!" Tacky.

Don't worry about what the bride might think. You don't have real access to the inside of her brain. You can only do the giving you think you should do. Give her what you would like her to have from you. Or get her a gift card and write a note with it to the effect that it should go toward one of the beautiful things she'd like to have in her home.

Hi,

I think that something sentimental or special could fit just as well. What about getting some pictures of the lovely couple together and making a nice memory book for them to enjoy or a book of "wedded bliss" advice? Unless she is a heartless soul, she won't be able to say no to such a thoughtful, loving, gift. (Also, it would be under 50 dollars to make from start to finish) Good luck!

m

It sounds a little like you might be concerned about what others are going to think (when you said you'd be the only person not buying something from this particular store) than what the bride will think. She may be thrilled to get a gift card so she can apply it to something (even if only 1/2 of something) at her desired location. And if she isn't - it is the thought that counts:)
If you would prefer something more tangible, I say hit Anthropologie and buck the system - get her a cute gift and let all the other girls ooh and ahh over how smart and creative you are with your gift.
I really like the person who suggested the $35/$65 split.
Good luck - a lot of responses here!
Oh - a wedding shower is typically focused on a couple or the pending nuptuals at large a bridal shower is just for the bride and involves the "personal" items.

I was just at Marshalls and they had lots of crystal stuff there. Try checking a store like that.

I haven"t read all the responses but what if you go in with your mom or another family meber for the shower and wedding gift. I have done this before. I am not made of money.
Best of luck,
L

Some people register for what they like and would like to have with no thought to cost except they'd rather get it as a gift than go buy it. Some register for expensive things because they have family and/or friends that can afford and will purchase expensive things.

I have also seen a growing trend that gift registries are for both the shower and the wedding...which is fine I guess especially if you don't know the person well or know what size they wear. But until recently, I have always seen that a shower gift was more personal...lotions, nighties, robes, perfumes, powders, gift certificates for spa treatments, manicures, etc...maybe some small household items but typically not. Wedding gifts were from the registry and included household items...anything and everything you can think of from kitchen to bath.

If you can't or don't want to buy off the registry (which is perfectly ok in my opinion), then don't. If your budget is $100 or less, why not get her a gift certificate for $25-30 at either her normal salon or nail shop. Then for the wedding, give them a check for up to $70-$75. They can put that towards anything they want.

showers usually have a theme-I have only 1 time been to a lingerie shower.

It is odd to not have affordable stuff. I actually registered at different price points, 25, 50, 75..... Maybe some a DVD and some popcorn? For my college roommate i remember giving her measuring cups and everything for making chocolate chip cookies-because taht was what we made all the time in college. and another friend a cooler full of beer. those were shower gifts. For the wedding gift I always stepped it up, and had the gift shipped.

Hi L., WOW you got a lot of responses! I admit I didn't read them all. Sorry if this idea is repeated.
I will tell you what I do at every wedding/shower/birthday/anniversary yes even funerals...NO "GIFTS" per se. I make a "many faces of So-And-So's event and a I ask them What do you love most about So-And-So.
Let me explain. I have my digital camera (I even did this before digital cameras! so imagine the work and the LOVE that had to go into it.) So, for the many faces book, I take a picture of EVERYONE at the wedding. For each of the pictures I ask, what do you love most about the couple? I then put their picture with their quote and make a book out of it. www.Picaboo.com is the one I use.
Now with digital camera's phones etc this can be done much more quickly, than ever before (iPad2s are FABULOUS for this!). You can pretty much have it all done in a couple of days. I then have it sent directly to them. It costs about $50 in total depending on how many pages there are, but it is THE most loved gift every time I do it. I do it for baby showers, birthdays etc. It's "the thing" I do. I was invited to a friend's wedding for June. Now she is not a very close friend, she is more of an acquaintance. I was surprised that she invited me. I was telling a mutual friend that I was surprised to get the invite...and she looked right at me and said, "are you kidding me???? she knows you will make one of those books for her gift!"
My reputation is building!
If you have any questions, please just ask. I can chat with you more about what it looks like if you want.

B.

Good morningn L., may be late on this one, but I never used the registry I never believed it was right to tell someone where to shopm for your gift, Im know it's tom see that you don't get 3 of this and 5 of that, but for me I shop from catalogs and I just get something nice but thatn is in my budget. J.

Some people register for what they like and would like to have with no thought to cost except they'd rather get it as a gift than go buy it. Some register for expensive things because they have family and/or friends that can afford and will purchase expensive things.

I have also seen a growing trend that gift registries are for both the shower and the wedding...which is fine I guess especially if you don't know the person well or know what size they wear. But until recently, I have always seen that a shower gift was more personal...lotions, nighties, robes, perfumes, powders, gift certificates for spa treatments, manicures, etc...maybe some small household items but typically not. Wedding gifts were from the registry and included household items...anything and everything you can think of from kitchen to bath.

If you can't or don't want to buy off the registry (which is perfectly ok in my opinion), then don't. If your budget is $100 or less, why not get her a gift certificate for $25-30 at either her normal salon or nail shop. Then for the wedding, give them a check for up to $70-$75. They can put that towards anything they want.

Nothing on the gift registry for $100? She should have a range (including individual glasses, plates, cups, saucers)... it seems virtually impossible that there is nothing for that amount!

But if that is (unfathomably) the case, then go in with someone else if you can and buy something together for the wedding from the registry.

Ideally -- I think it's best to shop off of the registry, as that is what people actually want, not what other people think they want. Under normal circumstances , it's my pet peeve when people buy things not on the registry, as the bride and groom have put a huge amount of effort selecting just what they want for their home, and it just seems insensitive not to honor that. But if she's made it impossible by putting nothing in the $100 and below range, then just make sure you get her something that she can return (and include a gift slip) for the wedding.

As for the shower -- is there a theme for the shower? Usually there is one. Kitchen? Lingerie? Have they given you no guidelines? Call the gals giving the shower and ask them if there is another registry you are unaware of. If not, get her a cookbook, fun lingerie, you can be creative here -- as I think it's better to stray off the registry for the shower (but it will be opened in front of everyone so be aware that you'll have witnesses!) Good luck!

By the way.. curious when you asked everyone at your wedding for no gifts -- did they actually pay attention? Can't imagine anyone attending a wedding and not getting the bride and groom a gift no matter what the circumstance.

Etiquette states that you are obligated to ONE gift for a wedding. If you're invited to a shower, then you give the gift there and don't bring one to the wedding.

Some people invite the same people to multiple showers (if they're given multiple showers) thinking that they have to bring a gift to each shower AND the wedding (my friend thought this... I had to clarify for her...) but that's just not the case.

I would do a $100 gift certificate (if that's really within your budget, if not, go with your budget) to the store and give it to her at her shower.

The lingere is for the bachelorette party - there's often a small shower prior to the festivities for that.

Are you positive she only registered at one place? I work retail and we always encourage brides to register for a huge range of items with different price ranges. If she really only registered at one place with such high ticket items that is a bit disconcerting.

Are you definitely invited to the shower? A shower is usually for those that are closest the the bride. It is more intimate than the wedding. The idea behind a shower is to "shower" the bride-to-be with gifts since couples usually don't have anything to start off their new life with. Usually you spend less on the shower gift and more on the wedding gift. The shower typically is for the bride whereas the wedding you are gifting two people, hence a bigger gift. I did receive everything from towels to lingerie at my shower whereas the wedding was either kitchen gifts or money. Now days some showers are modern and have gone co-ed whereas before it was strictly a female thing.

Use the invitation as you guide. Usually it will let you know just how fancy or casual both the wedding or shower is. Can you call the host of the shower and ask what kind of shower? If it's not super fancy and it's going to be girlie, Victoria's Secret is definitely ok.

The shower is where you will watch the bride open all her gifts so it does put you on the spot more. I like the idea of a little gift basket with a $50 gift cert to where she is registered. She'll have something to open rather than just a card. For the wedding, you won't see her open her gifts and I would just write a check for whatever your budget will permit.

Don't stress out too much. I never judged anyone for what they did or didn't give me. My mother died years before I got married and my father wouldn't come. I felt so much love for those that showed up for me. The gifts were just an added bonus. It was the people that made my day so special. If your cousin is a decent human being she'll just be thankful that you shared in her day and not be upset that you didn't spend over $100 on her gift.

Etiquette only requires one gift for a wedding...you can take it to the shower or to the wedding.

Now family usually buys two gifts one for each...but it is not required.

I worked at a large retail department store in the china/wedding gift department...and I know what you mean about the expensive gifts totally out of control. Some poor little grandmas would come in looking for a gift and could barely afford one iced beverage spoon for the bride...much less anything else.

When I married I made sure there were things from two dollars to a couple of hundred on my list most under $40. (My dad had clients that would spend a bunch and hey I wanted nice pots and pans).

Anyways...back to your question. How about a really nice bottle of champagne and a lovely card? She can then drink it out of her new $500 champagne flutes...Or two $50 bottles of wine if they drink...one for the shower and one to take to the wedding?

Wrap it and make the wrapping look like you paid a professional to do it...check out pictures on line for ideas...

Wow that must be super awkward to deal with. I totally get it. Hmmm let me think. Along the lines of designer.......I work with a woman who is a Mother and Midwife. Do you like this?

http://www.etsy.com/listing/88031490/organic-maternity-dr...

It sells at Barney's New York for around $400. Mari has it listed for $120 on etsy but it looks like you are local. How about you privately message me and I can see what sort of discount we can get you to fit your budget. It is designed by the princess of Yugoslavia! If you like it, I am sure we can make it work. Also, its a maternity sweater dress but it was originally designed for women who are not pregnant. I am not pregnant and I own one and love it. Its really beautiful either way. Just a thought.

Also, etsy is always good for special hand made sweet gifts. If you need more ideas, I have plenty!

Do you have any outlet retail stores near you? My go to gift for wedding showers is a set of 4 crystal tea light holders from Mikasa. Retail they are close to $100. At the outlet near me, the are $20. My other go to is a crystal 8x10 frame.

For the wedding, I usually give a $20 gift card to Bed,Bath and Beyond or Target.

If she is registered for a china set, check out this website:
http://www.replacements.com/
We were able to get my cousin 8 full settings of her pattern for the price of 2 settings retail.

To me a registry is a list of suggestions about what the couple needs/wants and shows what color scheme they are going for. You do NOT have to buy from the registry. Give what you are comfortable giving.

Since she is family, maybe make a gift of the great family recipes. My Aunt did this for my cousin. Typed and laminated all of Grandma's favorite recipes. Presented them in a cute little keepsake box.

When my BIL got married, I helped plan and be in the wedding. My dress cost $100. That was my gift was a 'bag of munchies' for the road trip between the ceremony and the hotel
- 2 apples
- 2 mini bottles of sparkling cider (no drinking and driving!)
- a can of American cheese (spray can)
- ritz crackers
- some grapes
- 2 folding travel cups
- some mini muffins