Shouting Children!

I was a nanny for twin boys that were like this and the best thing I found was getting down on their level and talking to them. It works best if you hold their face to make them look at you. I had to explain to them 3-4 times a day at 1st about inside voices. It did get better after that. When they were at their worst and didn't want to listen I had them go to the other room or I would leave the room. They would come find me to talk to them after that. I hope it works for you.

Just curious. Has she had her hearing checked recently?

Hi, I agree with Laura. I have a 12 yr old son and I go through the same issues with him. I know at 12 he's going through puberty so I'm tolerant to a point but once he gets too loud or acts as though he's deaf then I start to take away his privleges. Computer, phone, TV, video games. Once it got to the point that everything was taken away he was soooo bored he would come home from school do his homework and fall asleep. He came to me and asked what he needed to do to get his stuff back and I told him what my expectation were of him and he understood and worked with me. He still acts up and I still take away but when they cry and yell and throw a fit you cannot give in!! Remember your the boss and I admit I'm a yeller too but I have to calm myself down and think if I yell at him he's going to yell right back you have to talk to them in a firm voice and mean what you say!! I also believe your daughter may have some hurt felling toward her father and is acting out. My son's father is in California and only calls once every 2 months and that's if I call him to tell him to call his son. Also, make sure if you and their father have a falling out not to do it in front of the kids, this will make them act out and they will feel very hurt. If they bring up their dad then agree with anything good they may say about him, even if he's a loser and you know the "real" him your kids dont need to know, they will remember how you were always there for them and how he just stopped by when he wanted. I also have an 8 yr old girl and 19 month old girl and I noticed that alot of my time goes to the younger kids and my 12 year old sometimes gets left out or he wants to be left out. He wont say I love u and give hugs or kisses but sometimes I just want him to know that I love him so I make a game out of it.. If were all watching TV or just sitting around I will throw myself on him to hug him and try to kiss him and say I love you over and over again. Of course he pushes me away and wipes his face but I do see a smile and we all laugh. Sorry this is so long, I'm just really familiar with this subject!! If you need to talk more my email address is ____@____.com Good luck!

I think the #1 issue is that your daughters need to know that you are the boss. What I mean by that is they need to know that when they act out there are consequences. So next time your daughter shouts, get right in front of her and tell her if she does it again there are going to be consequences. If she does it again she gets sent to her room or take something away from her that is important to her. You will know the difference in the shouting due to running around and playing and the shouting that is out of anger and frustration. Same thing goes about the listening. If you ask her to come to the dinner table for ie after the 2nd request, state your warning and if she ignores you after the 3rd time there are consequences. Maybe it's no dessert/no t.v./no phone. Once she sees that there are consequences to her actions she will think twice about acting out. And like you said you are right in that yelling just makes things worse. Just keep your voice calm (but firm) and she will begin to get the message. The other thing is sit down with her when you have time and just talk to your daughter. There may be things going on in her life that you are unaware of that are bothering her. This may explain some of her behavior. Also, after her "time out" or after you take something away and things cool down, you must sit down and explain to her why she is in trouble. Then ask her to apologize to you for this behavior. If she refuses to apologize then the punishment gets increased or whatever you took away gets taken away longer. When she does apologize give her a big hug and tell her that you love her and that you know she's going to do better. But the #1 thing is consistency. You can't threaten her with stuff and not follow thru. Be consistent and I promise you will see results within days. Let me know how it goes!

K.,

Looks like you've gotten some good help...I just wanted to offer some sympathy! I get drawn into those yelling matches with my 5 year old daughter! Five, not 12, so isn't that pathetic?! And my two year old is picking up on it, some I'm having to change my own behavior FAST before it becomes her habit, too.

I think every situation is unique, but here's what I've put together in my own: sometimes my yelling is because I already feel out of control or inadequate, or just not heard on ANY level in ANY area of my life. I also had to realize that alot of times, I just don't want to listen to my five year old's rambling way of asking or telling me something. I don't have enough patience! I'm making an effort to stay (pretend) calm, slow down, and listen, and to quietly correct her when she is loud and talking back, etc, and I'm trying to really focus on praising the good things, instructing about the "bad" things without getting personal (as in, "Why didn't you pick up your toys!")

We have also set up a few "natural" consequences to happen when she doesn't do what she's supposed to, and that helps it become just a natural thing and not a punishment that I'm coming up with in the heat of the moment.

The advice about remembering puberty is good, because I know that escalates emotions. I have much admration for you - it is not easy being a married SAHM, so I can't imagine how much more difficult to do it as a working mom with an ex who isn't as reliable and supportive as possible. Good for you to go parttime! That takes so much courage and committment. I wish you the best in that, and I'll say a prayer that finances will not be too strained for you. God bless you! Hang in there.

S.