49 answers

Should I Have Rules for a 20 Year Old If She Still Lives at Home

My request for you to give me some advice

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First of all I just wanted to thank all of you for your Advice. I took some into consideration. My husband and I had a long talk with my spolied daughter. She has been following our household rules and she has been coming in at appropiate time every night. She is also starting college soon. So again thank you all.

Featured Answers

Yes She should abide by the same house rules as the rest of the family. If she doesn't want to then she needs to find herself her own place to live and pay her own bills.

1 mom found this helpful

I would sit down and have a talk with her. I think she should have rules, she still lives at home. Is she working or going to school? If going to school she can lend a hand around the house: do the dishes, help vacuum or clean the bathrooms. If working, let her pitch in financially. Let her be in charge of paying one of the smaller bills phone, water, etc... Let her know she is the oldest and setting an example for younger siblings.
Good luck.

My parents had rules. No laundry after 8. If you are going to be out late, call. If not coming home call. Its just a piece of mind for all. To know that we were safe.

More Answers

So, I'm only 20 myself and I will even tell you that if she is living under your roof then yes there should be rules to be followed. I was fairly an exception to the rule because I was out of the house and paying my own way by 18, however, it is important that your home is respected. You want to keep in mind that after 18 you have to allow more independence and expect more responsibility. However, I know my mother always had the rule for her children who were over 18 and still living in her home that she did not mind if they wanted to stay out for the night, however, if they were going to be out after a certain point she expected the courtesy of a phone call (at an appropriate hour) to let her know when they would be home, even if it wasn't until the following day or such. As well, it was expected that as long as meals were had at the home then they were expected to help with dishes.

You can expect your children to follow the rules of the house and if they do not like the rules you need to tell them that they will have to find a way to live on their own, that you cannot handle the sleepless nights. Make sure that you explain your issues to them so that they understand why you are putting in rules.

2 moms found this helpful

All my kids are older than 20, two are still living in my home. We had an agreement from the time they were 12: go to school full-time, live at home rent-free. Don't go to school, pay rent or move out. Grades must be passing or above --- not just taking up a seat in a class. Since we started this conversation when they were young, it was always accepted. While living in our home, whether paying rent or not, they are to obey house rules (no "sleepovers"), pick up after themselves, help with household chores (dishes, cooking, dishwasher, garbage, etc.) and let us know if they are not coming home. We don't need to know where they are or what they're doing, just whether they will be sleeping at home that night. We pay car insurance for them, too, as long as they maintain good driving records. They pay all their personal expenses, other than groceries, but even pick up groceries on their dollar on a regular basis. They've all done their laundry themselves since they were teens (our arrangement with laundry was: Mom will do it as long as it's in a hamper, thus they ended up doing their own). It worked well with our oldest, and is also working with our middle daughter. Son is out on his own and married now. Middle daughter is in school for the "free ride" -- as my daughter says, "Why would I go off the payroll?" works almost full-time and also coaches softball every spring. Youngest daughter has had some problems with it; decided to leave school but had a problem paying rent for a room she's lived in all her life. Moved out, came back, moved out, and is now back but has returned to school as the alternative to paying rent (and because she realized she wouldn't get anywhere without school). I think because we talked about this often and stood our ground when it was challenged, it has worked for us. You have to have a conversation with your daughter. Plan out ahead of time what the guidelines will be, but be careful and thoughtful because you MUST stick to whatever the planned consequences are. She may challenge you and it will never work out unless you're willing to follow through. Sometimes they have to learn the hard lesson by themselves.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Well my daughter is only 3 months old, but I can tell you how I was raised. Mom's house=Mom's rules! No matter what age. It is about respect for the house and all those living there. If she wants to come and go as she pleases then she should get her own place. It worked for my brother (6years younger)and I just fine. If we complained we were reminded that we could live on our own (which of course we couldn't afford, I think we really just liked the free ride). Once we were ready to be "adults" we moved out (around 24-26 years old). Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

YES, there needs to be some rules. My 20-year old step-daughter just moved in, but she isn't working much and not going to school. So, we did a contract that laid out what we expected and also a place for her goals. She has to post her work hours on the calendar, take care of her cats, do some of the dishes, keep her bathroom (the main & guest bathroom) clean, keep her room straight (ok, that's not happening), and help with cooking occasionally. She also has to be actively looking for a fulltime job or go back to school. There is a deadline to show progress on these items or she needs to move out. So far, some compliance in some areas, but the 15th of August for making progress (per the contract)is fast approaching, so we will see what happens next. We are not a hotel. If she wants to do nothing with her life, she can live anywhere. If she wants to (or needs to) live with us, then she has to be making progress towards her goals. Good luck to you and yours. J.

1 mom found this helpful

Ah, but yes N....She lives in your home, she is still part of the family. But; as an adult, she needs to know how to be responsible and accountable for her actions. Sit down with your husband and set up some realistic rules for her; as well as the rest of your home. Does she pay rent? There's your answer. If she is still considered as a dependent on your taxes, then as her parents, you HAVE every right to say to her, "Hey...we're raising your siblings in this household, and your actions are not making this easy. I'm sure she has a cell phone, if she is going to be leaving for the evening, ask her to communicate what time she is going to be coming home or if she isn't...then she should be able to communicate what she is doing. Yes, she's a young adult and your child still. But..if she can't communicate with her parents that it's common courtesy to let the people you live with know what time you should be home, or if you're coming home...and to be respectful of the home. Give her statistics as to why as parents you are concerned. Let her know that you love her, but gently guide her to talk with you. If she can't see that this is affecting the family and HER parents...You can always play hardball with her....if she comes in late at night and keeps you awake...you need to let her know WHY. You are HER mother- so you need to talk to her for the right reasons as why you are concerned. You can always WAKE her up after she's just come in and settled in....interrupt her sleep pattern....If she gets mad, she might get the picture. Also, let the 18 year old know that this is NOT acceptable behavior. You could also ask the 20 year old to move out. You've come a place in parenting that is very hard...But as parents, we didn't get classes on how to deal with these questions and concerns. Please let your children know that you love them, and if they lived in different circumstances- there are rules (mostly common courtesy)that we live by. Then, there are laws that we must obey. As adults, we learn as we go- we can only leave the impression upon our children, instill the values, but we CANNOT control their actions. I wish you luck...

1 mom found this helpful

I am a mother of 2 19 year olds and when they turned 18 they were given an option pay us rent and live in our house as almost like renters ( afterall I am still a mom) however this would give them complete freedom or live under our roof rent free with responsibilities including chores.
They of course chose rent free however with both instances I would still do what we do now. We post everyones weekly schedule and if they are going out with friends to give us an estimated time they would be home but not hold them to it Unless of course it is hours over
She is living under your roof your rules whether she likes them or not she has to respect them You have to give her some freedom at 20 becasue she is an adult but she has to understand while she lives there you and your husband have reason to worry if she is not home so all you would ask for is some communciation I hope that helps

1 mom found this helpful

If your 20 year old child is living under your roof she should have the same rules as the other children under your roof. She should have a curfew and also chores she must do, just as the other children. Also - You bought her a car. If she is working she should also be paying her insurance, car payment and rent to you. If you don't do this you are setting the 18 yr. old up to fail, as well as the other two. Please listen to your heart because your concerns are correct. Hope this helps, Patti b

1 mom found this helpful

if you have rules all along you definitely needrules for her if she cann'tabide by them then
she is on her own..but it sounds like she might
be a bit spoiled..and yes the 18 will be just as big a problem..why because his sister is getting away with the way she comes and goes.....i do know what i am talking about..i have eight children..all very good and all married they all have a college education...which we helped them get at the university that we could afford...if you never had rules before i might be kind of hard to start but it has to start somewhere...but i wish you good luck

1 mom found this helpful

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