Should I Have My Daughter Baptized?

My husband and I got our 1st born baptized and at the same time decided to baptize his two children, my step-sons, who were 6 and 3 at the time because he and his ex-wife never cared much about religion. In all honesty, we didn't ask the boys' biological mother and just went ahead and did it because we were the ones attempting to show the boys a Christian path. When they told her, she made a bunch of excuses for not doing it when they were younger and never mentioned it again. I realize that not everyone agrees with our decision, but you have to do what you think is right. Technically, if you have primary custody of your daughter then you are the primary decision maker and don't have to consult with him about major decisions. Just always be proud of the decision you make and don't ever let him tell you otherwise.

I don't know what denomination you are or what your personal beliefs are, but I do know that Catholics have very different views on baptism than Baptists, and I'm sure there are many other differences between many other differences. No offense to anyone, but what I don't think is fair is for you to have to make a decision based on other people preaching to you and telling you what to believe.

My advice, for what its worth, is to look deep inside your heart and decide why you want your daughter to be baptised. I agree with the person who said that if its because of sincerely held beliefs, then let that lead you. If its a social event and being able to say "Her Godparents are ..." then maybe you should re-think things.

Other things to consider - what role are godparents going to play in you child's life? Is part of wanting the baptism having those people involved in your daughter's life and contributing to her spiritual growth?

Talk to your pastor, other people who have helped you on your own spiritual journey - take all advice for what its worth and don't feel like you need to hold on to any ONE opinion if it doesn't feel right ... and above all, pray, and let God help guide your decision.

Good luck and God bless.

Hi L.,
The choice whether or not to baptize your child is yours alone. Nobody on this board should be counselling in matters of faith - that should be left to the people you are in community with (friends, family, other church members) - people who KNOW you and walk out your life with you.

Here is what I want to try to offer advice on: I have been divorced for 14 years and remarried for 8 years. It takes a long time to cut those emotional ties with your ex - especially if you have a child together. I have just recently learned in the past couple years (I'm slow) that trying to involve my daughter's father in matters that are my choices, is called "negative intimacy". You, in no way, shape or form want an intimate relationship with this person but you want, as a mother, for him to be involved in your child's life so you bring him in for an appearance of involvement.

In this case, you are not legally required to involve him in this decision. Why are you even considering his wishes? The two of you are no longer parenting together except for in very few, specific situations that should be outlined in your custody agreement. I doubt this is one of them so he, figuratively, should not exist.

It's AWESOME that you want him involved but lots of women make the mistake of enabling their ex to stay in their lives for the "sake of the children". I'm not accusing you of this but would like to just ask you to look at it (and maybe others areas) to see if you are including him in other matters that you shouldn't.

I longed for and tried to control this picture of an amicable divorce where we could all go to soccer games and have dinner together. I asked his opinion on things like discipline etc. that I shouldn't have. It can work for a little while (your child is little) but it is not sustainable - remember, you divorced because you couldn't work together - and it ends up hurting the child so much more in the end.

My daughter is 15 and she would have been better served if we would have just had a respectful, friendly but business-like relationship rather than tried to "co-parent". God bless those you can do it but divorce sucks and it is h*** o* the kids - period. Each parent has to own their involvement and do their individual best - not try to control what one another does in the other home (VERY COMMON MISTAKE!!!).

Over time, you will have to make sure that it is not disrespectful to your new husband to have this other guy making choices like this too. He signed on to be a parent to your daughter - not a spectator of you and your ex. You need to make sure you are honoring him in that.

OK, big topic -- good luck! You sound like you have a good heart. I just wanted to offer a piece for thought so that it doesn't get trampled on over time.

I agree with your friend, if you want her baptised have her baptised.

You can let your ex know you are doing this or you can send your ex an invite and if he wants to go to see this special day for his daughter he can, if he doesn't well then he doesn't.

It isn't about him, it is about her.

I agree with the last response. When you study the Bible carefully, you find that baptism isn't really for children but for young adults and adults. It is supposed to be a concious decision. If we were meant to be baptised as children, Jesus would have been baptised. I think you should read your Bible. If I didn't already know the truth, I would have said, have her baptised, because it won't hurt your ex. But just know that it has no benefit for your daughter either.

LIKE YOU SAID YOU REALLY WANT HER BAPTIZED, its your belief, i would meet with a pastor or priest of the church you attend and discuss your plans as a christian. why doesnt your ex want your child baptized? is he a different religon or just has other beilefs? i think its too bad if he doesnt want to be present for this but thats a choice i think you and your pastor can help you make.

I would get her baptized. You and her father may have different beleifs, but thats ok. You can both teach her what you beleive and involve her in your beleifs, and then when she is old enough, she can choose what she wants. The baptism doesn't have to mean anything to him. I personally have not had my son baptized. I started going to a christian church at 18 that beleives that baptizing a baby has no meaning, they dedicate babies to God but beleive that baptism is a choice to give your life to God, that a child cannot make. They do it at 16+ when the child knows what they are choosing to do and can make the choice on their own. His father is catholic, and has complained that I never got him baptized (he also hasn't seen him in a year, and has only seen him a few times). I told him you can go to your church and have it done if you want it done, but I don't beleive in doing it at this age. He got really mad at me for not doing... but he wouldn't do it himself either. If he decides to do it I would let him, Connor is his son too, even though I have full custody and am the only parent raising him. You can both raise her and teach her that there are different beleifs (don't tell her I'm right and your dad is wrong though!), and teach her about the different things out there, and let her decide what feels right to her when she is older, without pressure to do it your way. I was raised Lutheran, but my parents never went to church, and I do not feel anything in a Lutheran or Catholic church, but the feeling I get in my Christian church is amazing. My parents don't go to church with me, I chose what I beleive by what feels right to me, and I have given everything a chance. Allow your daughter to do that, and she will have a balanced life.

I say if you want her baptized just DO-IT! Although my personal beliefs are that babies/children donot need to be baptized they are innocent and pure and I plan to let my daughter choose for herself to be baptized all on her own with my full support. My church baptizes children at ages 8 and up when they fully can understand the difference between right/wrong and can make the choice for themselves. I will also add that I was extrememly bothered my entire childhood that I wasn't baptized. My parents were married at the courthouse and not in a church so the Catholic church wouldn't baptize me which I felt was extremely predujuice and judgemental and I don't think GOD judges. I understand that the Catholic church isn't like that these days but I resent that denomination to this very day for soley that reason. I made the choice and decided to get baptized 3 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did. When my daughter is 8 and if she decides to be baptized I will fully stand behind her but never force it on her. I am also not with my daughter's father and I donot plan to ask nor tell him if my daughter is baptized it's soley her decision.

L.,

I am a non practicing Catholic woman. My daughters father is Agnostic. While I believe in God, he doesn't. He knew it was my wish to have her baptised, so he did not stand in the way.
I feel if you want her baptised, get her baptised. Is the one you are marrying a religious person, or want the baby on the way baptised? If you are doing the baby, I HIGHLY recommend doing your other child so she doesn't feel left out. We all know how kids are when one person has something they don't.

You have full physical custody, she is your child, if it will calm your soul to have her baptised, then do so, no matter what he says.

H.

This is a tough one because you both believe in something and can't agree on it together. He won't know if she becomes baptized and if you strongly believe you want her to be then I think that's a good enough reason to do it or you can wait until your child can decide on his or her own. If you choose the later one I hope it's not pounded into her that baptism is or isn't a good thing to do. I hope she would do her own research and decide. This way I hope your x-husband will back your daughter's decision no matter what she chooses and same goes for you too.

if you want to get her baptized go ahead in fact i have an idea why dont you see about getting her baptized either before or after the wedding so you have all your guests there and they wont have to traver again soon

YES! However, I do think that you should invite your ex to a meeting with yourself, the priest and maybe even the potential god parents. It would be a much more supportive environment if you can at least air his concerns and issues if not work through them prior to moving in the direction of baptism.

Baptism is a spiritual opportunity for the baby - and shouldn't be held back by someone else's beliefs for themselves. As a parent you are there to give them every opportunity possible, physical, mental, spiritual. It can't be left to someone who is not directly raising them to decide to take those opportunities away.

Baptize your daughter. It's obvious you and her father don't share the same faith, but what is important is that you raise her in a Christian home the way you've obviously planned.

My son's father is an atheist and saw no point in baptizing our son, but I raised a fuss about it. These are my beliefs, and this is how my son is being raised, as I have custody. If Caleb decides to go his own way when he's older, fine, but I'm going to lay the groundwork for a strong family and to me, that includes my faith.

What's his issue with baptism anyway? And besides, what can he really do about it? A family built on faith is a family that will last, and that's something that is very important.

Another point..

If your husband is athiest.. Then why is he so threatened by a baptism? As far as he is concerned it is just water and a ridiculous practice!

So it shouldn't bother him if you do baptize her, because it doesn't change anything for him.

But it changes everything for your daughter!

I would have to agree with your friend's mother. If you want her baptized and you have primary custody have her baptized.

I would have to say that you should baptize her. My husband and I baptized our daughter and will do that with all our kids. My husband doesnt really believe in God but supports that this was how I grew up and want to continue this. You need to consider how much of a role her father is in her life, also. If he is a big part then he should be consulted but you could approach him in the way that; you want her baptized and you know he doesnt. When she gets older if she chooses not to lead a Christian life than she doesnt have to but this way if she does, she can. I hope that all makes sense. B.

I am not sure how old your daughter is and I don't know what denomination your are. I personally go to a non-denominational church and am a born again Christian. I had my children baptized when they were infants. In fact I was baptized as an infant, but just a few years ago I was baptized again by full emersion. That I feel was my real baptism and when my children are mature enough in their faith and are ready they will be rebaptised. I personally don't agree with the idea of infant baptisms, because I feel they are mostly a social event anymore. Baptism means nothing without the foundations of the faith. For example, my husband is agnostic and if I took him and baptised him would that make him saved? I think not. If a child should die without being baptised I refuse to believe that a loving God would not welcome them into His Kingdom. When God said we are all born into sin He meant that by nature we are sinners. Once a child is old enough to realize they have free will to choose to sin or not that is when they become accountible for those sins. Baptism is for the cleansing of the spirit, but the spirit has to whan to be and realize that it needs to be made clean. The spirit has to be ready to give itself fully to Christ. They will bury their sins in the water with Him and rise out of it a new creation. If you daughter is old enough to know why she is being baptised than I say do it. Your exhusband is not in charge of her eternal soul and actually no one can give her life to Christ except her. If she is an infant and you would just like to have something to formally announce the godparents than my church does what are called baby dedications where you and the godparents would confess before God and the church that you will dedicate your lives to building her a strong Christian foundation. God Bless.

That is a completely personal decision you must make. My husband I are not religious, so we chose not to wed in a church and not to baptise our daughter. I do believe in an inner spirituality and kindness and really wanted my daughter to have a godmother, however. We chose to have a naming party where we recognised our child's godmother. The humanist organization in Britain has information ideas if you choose not to go with the baptism route. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Do you have shared legal custody? Many divorces are sole physical with joint legal and religious training falls inside of his rights with joint legal. That is the area where it could get sticky. I don't think it would be grounds for him to gain any advantage, as long as the offenses don't wrack up. My relationship with my ex is extremely good and we're pretty careful about stepping on toes. It's made our kids a lot better off than many of the kids I see from other broken homes. But, that being said, if you have a sincerely held religious belief that baptism is necessary for entrance into heaven and he will not allow it, go with your gut. God assigned it to us as parents to teach our children about Him and obeying Him trumps all else. If it's a social ceremony for you, I'd rethink my motives. And why is he against it? Is he against YOU or is he of a religion that doesn't advocate baptism without the person being baptized admitting a belief in God (that's how my religion does it and in that case, I would speak to him because it's a sincere belief and if you share legal custody, it's his legal right) or is he against it for other reasons? Best of luck in your decision.

L.-
My advise comes from my relious beliefs. I feel that you should have your daguther baptized if you want her to be baptized. Go with your feelings, and you will be at peace with you decision, regardless of what it is :)

If you are really wanting to do this, I would. Consider dedication, it's like the same thing. If you plan to continue in the fellowship of other believers then go ahead as this is an open way of saying you want to raise your child in the faith. Best wishes. I'll keep you in my prayers

I agree with Beth and don't understand the validity of baby baptism. I see know biblical evidence for why the practice exists. Beyond my belief though, this is a decision for you alone to make. I don't think it is about getting the father's permission, it doesn't seem he would grant it either way. I do think it is important to keep him informed of your actions, but tell him you respect his beliefs and ask that he respects yours as well, and when the time comes, your daughter can figure out what she believes and promise to respect that too. If you both have differing views on spirituality, then both of you are going to be sharing your views with your child throughout life, so this will be only the beginning. At the appropriate age explain to your child why your views differ and let her make her own choices on what she believes and why. Never put each other's views down, just present the facts and let her choose the right path. Remember that while you may not be together anymore, you will always be connected through your child and as much as it sucks at times, you will both be a part of her life and it will be easier in the long run if you can share a mutual respect for each other.

If you know someone who has a Hymnal(book of songs from church) it gives baptizmal instructions in the back. If you are a Christian it is something that should be done. You can be the one to baptize her or ask at any non-denominational church and they will usually do it if you are not a current member of a church. Most of all if you do baptize her it is the first step, it also means raising her with faith and learning what is right and what isn't right in God's eyes, it is not just a ceremony it is a lifetime commitment for you and your child. Liz

I think you should do what you think is right for you and your family. If you believe in the sacrament of baptizism then you should go for it.