Should I Cut His Dad Out of the Picture?

Wow I thought what I was going through was bad. I am inalmost the same spot you are but my son father has only seen him once. when my son was 10 months old. He is 5 now.. the only thing I can say to you is hang in there and maybe he ( the father) will want to see him more. if you ever want to talk feel free to e-mail me.

I'm in a similar situation. What I've done is just lived my life like I'm not going to get any help from him and the kids are just not going to see him. They call when they want to, but I don't tell them he's coming until I see him in the driveway. Saves a lot of heartache. I would document when he complies with the visitation schedule and when he doens't, just to have a record of it.
I have found other men to fill the void such as uncles, grandpas, my daycare provider is a husband/wife team. It can be done :)

I am sort of in your shoes as that is how my ex acts! I had to figure out what was best for my daughters. We have 2 girls and he left when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I used to "force" the girls on him. I'd call all the time and ask him to babysit, I had him watching them a couple days a week because I work days & he nights. After a while I saw a change in my girls behavior. They were definante with me when they'd come home from a "daddy visit." My ex pays support but its not even enough to cover daycare so I don't count on it either. We also argued all the time when I would pick my children up. He would get angry if I was out with other people yet he left me & moved in with a girl who was pregnant before I delivered my second child. After a while of it, I was fed up. I thought to myself, I wasn't helping my children by taking them over to have a bond when he wasn't making the effort to bond. I have always told him & his family I would never keep the girls from him but also wouldn't make him have a relationship with them. He hasn't called since Christmas last year. I suggest to the girls(9 & 4 yrs old) on holidays & birthdays that it is there dad's birthday and ask if they want to call. Ususaly they say maybe later or sometimes they flat out say no. They don't ask for him, don't want to see him unless it is around birthdays or Christmas for the presents. I realized I was the only one fighting for them to have a relationship and figured it was no longer up to me. I left the ball in his court and my children are just fine without him in their lives!

You need to look deep in your heart and do what you think is best for your son. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't have his best interest at heart so only you can ultimitly make this decision. Do what is best for that little guy because he is the only thing that matters!!!

All you can do is give him access to his son. Let him call to set up times to get him. That isn't your resposibility. I don't say cut it off, but I do say let him make the effort and you will find your answer.

Both my kids have parents like your ex. They cannot seem to put their children first. My feeling is that if your doing all the work in their relationship now, your son will be doing all the work in their relationship at some point. Your ex needs to be an adult and take the initiative in the relationship with your son. As your son grows he will think that his birth father wants to see him more than he actually does, because of your hard work. So, in a sense your setting him up for dissappointment at some point in the future when you quit working so hard to sustain the relationship. Your ex and your son need to know that it is the adults responsibility to maintain the relationship, not the childs. I would not prevent either of my boys from having a relationship of some kind with their other parent. However that other parent needs to be the one initiating it. They also need to provide a safe and healthy environment for the visit to take place. Other wise I fear that my boys will choose relationships where they are the ones doing all the work and their feelings may not be recipricated. There are other ways to provide a good stable male role model for your son, should his birth father choose not to be a bigger part of his life. It is very sad and unfortunate but your son can have what he needs while his father gets left behind by his own making. Good luck and God Bless.

Dear S.,
I don't think that it is your job to make sure your son and his father have a relationship. Don't call him and ask him to come over or make plans, that's the father's job. It will be better for your son to start out with the truth about his father and when those sporting events (etc...) come along your son will know if his father will show up or not. Never talk bad about his Dad, and be supportive of your son when the time comes that he chooses to see or not see his father. I feel sorry for this man, he can never get these times back and he has no idea of what he is giving up. My other advise to you is... Don't try to make up for the fact that his father isn't around, that is impossible, you can not replace a parent. You just continue to do the best you can at being his Mom, in the end he will respect you for it.
Sincerely,
M.

Hard Question??
I think you should give the father every
opportunity to be a willing parent for his child.
No half way of doing things.
If you continue this path
you are making it very easy for the father.
AND raising a child is never part time.

It is his JOB to be the parent as well as yourself
If he comes and does his part in raising the child.
No do not cut him out.
If he does not call or come and visit the child
that is not cutting him out.
He doing it all on his own.
You, as the MOTHER, must always have the
BEST INTEREST of the child in mind.
Follow your heart...
If you are not comfortable with any situation,
your child would not be either.
Good luck.

Hi S.,
I will be praying for you - I read your email and it really stuck with me - I really feel for you and your son. I do not know enough about your situation and your son's Dad to give you any advice and every situation is different, However, I can say that in difficult times, I try to take it one day at a time (or one hour), pray and take some quiet time (who has that right), and I believe that you will really know within you what you need to do. I am sorry that I am not much help - just know that others care and are hoping the best for you and your son!
Take Care,
T. D.

S.,

I am struggling with a very similar problem. My daughter only sees her father when I make an extra effort to have him spend time with her and then its very short (10 minutes) or sometimes not very interactive. Other times he is fabulous but a half hour play session a month does not a father make.

I came to the conclusion this week that I'm stressing myself trying to keep him in her life. Its his responsibility. I can't "make" him love her or be a good father.

Soooo....his involvement will be at his discretion. In the meantime, I will be a fabulous mother for her. I also know that someday I will meet a real man that will love us both and be there for us. There are a lot of wonderful men in the world and I want her to understand that and have a healthy view of them:)

If you ever want to connect, please feel free to contact me. We are in very similar situations.

S., It looks like you have heard most of what I was going to say. However, on a legal standpoint, you can't do anything unless he has had no contact with your son for 2 yrs, that's no support, not visits, no birthday cards, etc. And then there is a whole series of things that you have to do.

I feel that you need to stop calling and arranging things, if he doesn't come around, then he is only hurting himself, and you are not to blame. At this point, when you push them together, you are only hurting your own feelings. Why do you have to stay when they are together(I personally would want to since he doesn't sound like much of a winner) but it sounds like he wants you to? Make sure that you are pushing them together so that you don't feel like a failure in picking him in the first place, this is the wrong reason.

Also, find a family member to watch your son (maybe even his dad's family) and take some time off. I don't recommend going out to the bars (that is not the kind of people you need to meet right now), but do some fun relaxing things for you... go to a movie with friends, get a message/pedicure, join a knitting circle, go to a scrapbooking event, go to yoga classes(my personal favorite), go shopping, or just go sit in a bookstore and read for a couple of hours (you don't even have to buy anything), check out your community ed brochure for dance classes, pottery classes, etc.

You need some time for yourself or you will burn out.

I understand that you want your son to have a father, and to have a good relationship...but I have to ask...if this father doesn't want to make the time, does that make it a good relationship? When your son is old enough to ask, you'll have to be the one to tell him the excuses that his father is telling you, and that's going to be heartbreaking. But that is nothing in comparison to having an 8 year old boy staring out the window waiting for a dad that never shows up. Personally, I'd lay it all out for the dad. You shouldn't have to be the one to arrange a relationship.

I'm sorry I don't mean to sound awful or anything but why do these men do this to their kids? Because the Moms allow it...Tell Dad that if he was responsible enough to make this baby then he is going to take responsibility for him too. Being a parent is not a fun thing all the time and yes it is true that you don't just get to go out anytime you want, tell him that. Why does he sit there and let your son get into things and wait for you to get him? Because he knows you will, why does he say he is tired and doesn't want to take care of the baby today because he knows you will take care of him for him. Because you love your son and want to keep him from harm. I would tell Dad that either he steps up to the plate and takes care of his responsibilities or he signs off parental rights, you barely get support from him anyway right? Why should your child have to feel like a burden on his own father? Is he going to jet when your son is a teenager and getting into situations that are very challenging? Being a Dad is not just about the fun times like Tigers games and fishing etc. it is about the hard and challenging times also. Tell him how you feel just like you told us on this posting, you love your son and want what is best for him, if not having his Bio father in his life is better than having a "part time" Dad who is only there when it is convient then let Dad go. Sorry to sound so harsh but I have heard more and more stories about dead beat Dads and that is so upsetting....Good luck to you and your son I will Pray that a good man comes into your life that can set a good example for your son of how a Father should be......

Dad is a terrilbe example for your son. His actions will only give your little one feelings of rejection which are not from anything he has done...his dad is a jerk! Being a parent isn't for the uncommitted and selfish. Sounds like Dad isn't committed to anything but himself. You don't need to cut him off, he has already done it himself. Just let him sit. I think your son will be emotionally more stable without the instability of Dad's behavior.

I went through this same thing years ago and I just cut my losses and walked away. I did not want my daughter with someone that did not want to be with her. That was unfair, she deserved to be looked after and not ignored. I was afraid something may happen to her when with her dad because he was not paying attention. Well years later he came back around when he finally grew up. I did not hold her back because every child deserves a loving relationship with their parents. So since then they have become very close, he pays child support on a regular basis and everything is great. He take great care of her. She is a teenager now, but I would say he came back around when she was five. I was a bit upset that it took him so long, but that was not my daughters fault so I was not going to hold her back from him. So my advice would be just to cut your losses and one day he will grow up. Maybe there will be another father figure in your child's life, that is what happened here. And he will have to deal with that. That will be his fault for not taking the time out of his schedule to be a real dad. You really can not force the relationship, especially if your son is not getting adequate care or attention with his dad. Good luck, I survived it and so will you.

I had a similar experience with my ex. I finally got to the point where I could accept that HIS relationship with the children was HIS to maintain - or destroy. It wasn't my job to make him a good father and it wasn't my job to "fix" what was broken. I always left the door open for him to visit or call and my kids knew that. (I wanted to make sure they never felt like I was getting in the way of that relationship.) My children are now adults and they virtually never see him. He does send an occasionally birthday card and even showed up unannounced at our daughter's graduation ceremony. I think it helps that they know he still thinks about them but we have talked openly about the fact that he just doesn't know how to be a good father. I reassured them over the years that it was his problem and they were not the reason he didn't come around. I think it's important to tell children they didn't do anything to cause him to not come around. Be happy that your son has a great mom and look for a support system to give him the male guidance that he will need later in life. The reality is that he will never miss what he never had. Better to make that break now when he is young and doesn't' know anything different.

S.,

When you say cut him out of his life, what do you mean? Are you looking to have sign away his parental rights? What is the court order on visitation? Why do you stay there when he is visiting your son?/ start dropping him off at his dads and have sometime to yourself. You need to think about survival for two people not three. If you feel what your sons father is doing is going to be damaging then you already have your mind made up.

If you do cut him out of his life without him signing away his rights then you will always have the chance of him coming back into your life later on.

Then if you do offer him the chance to sign his rights away and he chooses not to, push the visitation for him to be a father without you in the picture by him having the full responsibilty of your son on his days.

Good Luck. It is a hard situation. L.

I admire your ability to put your problems with yours son's father aside and want what is best for him. However, you can't force him to be a Dad, to spent time with his son. He has to do that on his own. I personally would be accomodating when he makes the effort to see his son, but would be working so hard to make it happen. It is his responsibility, not yours.

I'd say quit trying to GET penciled in to his schedule. Just quit. It's obvious he's irresponsible to an extent but immature. He's making excuses. Lousy ones at that. So quit pushing the issue, live your life with your son. If he starts regretting his behavior, then it's time to pencil HIM in at first because there's no reason why your life should be decimated and disrupted. When he shows signs of really being involved, then it's time for "Well sure I think I can re arrange my schedule". But don't let it become such a habit that he takes advantage of you.

Hi S.,
First let me just give you a BIG CONGRATULATIONS for being the bigger person and keeping the lines open for your son's Dad. I'm sure it is not easy! With that being said, I also agree that Dad is not a good example for your son. It can only lead to sadness and feelings of worthlessness for your son. It's better to have no dad than to have one that acts like you don't even exist while you are visiting him! It sounds like you are doing a good job for the both of you! Keep it up and enjoy your son!

Hi S.,

I hear your frustration and strong emotions on all you and your son have gone through over the last couple of years. You're working hard to be a good mother who provides well for her son. The really tough part here is that your son's father isn't as responsible. He isn't trying to be a dad. He isn't trying to provide well for his son. He isn't trying to be or do anything. My suggestion, while easy to write, is REALLY hard to do. I think you just need to let this go. Don't call. Don't cajole. Just surrender this. Maybe someday he'll come to realize what he's missing and try to form a relationship with his son. In the meantime, provide great male role models and just keep doing what you're doing. Which is being a great mom!

Hi S.. I can relate and appreciate what you are going through. You are definately not alone in your feelings and there are great women on this site to chat with. The only advice I can give you, that I was also given, is that you cannot make your son's father BE his 'Daddy'. And that is very hard! The good news is that you can surround him with other great male role models and family members so he does not feel alone or left out. Hopefully one day you will find an upstanding man who will be more than happy to step in and take your son to those games. (we can only hope right!) In the mean time expose him to male family members and friends for 'boy's time'. I am sure you and grandma smother your special guy with love everyday and that is awesome, making him feel secure and loved.
Have you spoke to the father about your concerns? Might be a good idea. My daughters father thought leaving her life for months at a time would have no impact on her since she is so young.(he left when she was 4mo's, she is now 1yr) But he was sadly mistaken. Consistancy is important, as you already know. He needs to step it up!

Hi S.. You should not cut his dad out of the picture because it sounds like the dad is doing a fine job of that himself. Is there a court order, ordering him to do parenting time? In case not, then he has no physical responsibility to see his son. There is a moral responsibility to see his son. Now whether the daddy takes advantage of the time he can have with the baby, that's on him. As a mother, you continue to reassure your son that he has a mother and father who love him. As time progresses, the father will do one of two things, call Zach himself, or wait until he's old enough to actually hang out and have conversations that will make dad feel like a dad. Just wait.........keep his love in the picture.

Gee, it sounds like your son's father just doesn't know how to be a dad. (You never mentioned how old he is). I would not give up on trying to get them together, but I think that it would be best for you if you did not have such high expectations for the relationship right now. I think the worst thing you can do is push the father to do something that you expect. If the father is uncertain or uneasy being around a toddler, maybe short visits are all that he can do right now. My guess is that as your sons gets older, the father will be able to relate to him a bit better.
As for future disappointments, you will never be able to shield your children from all of life's unpleasant moments. Do your best in this situation and be satisfied that you have done all that you can.
Whatever you do, it is important to never have a negative attitude when speaking of the father around your son. Children need to be able to form their own opinions about their parents without our skewed input!
K

This is just my opinion from my personal experience with this same thing. I'm fine without my bio-father in my life. My bio-father never wanted anything to do with me...ever!

And, my kids are just fine when their dad doesn't see them for months at a time. They just learn that if he shows up, fine. If he doesn't, fine. Sometimes, now, if he wants to see them and they have plans, they tell him no...my son is 8 and my daughter is 11...they make their own decision and I back them up. Don't worry about pushing the issue. If he doesn't want to be a father, it's better not to try to make him. Your son will be fine without him. Your son has you and that is really all he needs. Some men are just sh!tty and there is nothing you can do to change them. Sucks, but it's true. Do what I do, love your children more than anything in the world and they will love you back no matter what and they won't miss their dad at all.

My prediction is that some day you will find another man who will accept and love your child as his own and be a wonderful dad.

I did the same thing with my daughter's father until she was about five, then I said enough is enough. Her father never really came around and actually just got married without including his daughter, other than the "she can come if she wants" invitation. You can not force him to do what is best for your child, alls you can do is love and do what is best yourself, I would stop banging your head against the wall and just enjoy your son. maybe someday your ex will grow up, mine hasn't yet, but I do still let my daughter call him when she wants and see him is possible, he will go 7 months without making a phone call. Good luck.

I agree with some of the other posters that it is not your responsiblity to make sure he is a parent to his child. You don't have to cut his dad out of the picture because it sounds to me like the dad has done that on his own. So, that is a decision you don't have to make.
I also feel sorry for a person who wants little involvement. From you post it sounds like he is still immature and really have no idea what it is to be a parent.
Who knows when he grows up he could re-evaluate his life and realize that nothing is more important than his child.
At the least, he is paying child-support. So, I will give him points for that.
Continue to enjoy your child and be there for him. On special ocassions like christmas, birthdays or events at school I would inform dad to see if he wants to be apart of it. Other than that, I would just go on about the busness of raising my child. At least you will know that he can never say you never made an attempt to include him.

S.,

I agree with a lot of the other moms, you are pushing too much. The hardest idea to give up is a dream...you want your son's father to be the father you didn't have. Now you need to think outside the box to give your son this opportunity.

Do you have a male friend who can be your son's godfather? If you have someone who is willing to take on this role, they don't have to live with you. That person just needs to be available, spend time with your child on a regular basis and guide your son through life by being a good example. Do you really want your ex's behavior to be your son's example of how to be a father and husband?

I hope you are able to find someone who can be a great mentor to your son. It doesn't matter how they are related to your son, what matters is that your son has a good relationship with a male figure.

I wish you the best of luck!

-C..

I honestly wish I would have cut my daughter bio father out of the picture while she was a baby. He has done nothing but feed her empty promises since she was little. He has hurt her so many times until now that she is 12, she has decided to cut him out of her life all together. Please don't allow him to continue seeing his child if he isn't willing to be a full time Dad. Good luck and God bless.

S. I have to say that if the dad is not making the effort to see his son then he don't care. If I would keep in touch with him like if something happens let him know that. If you move or change your number give him a call with the updated information. When your son grows up and asks about his dad and why he don't want to be around him let your son know the number to speak to his dad and ask him. It is up to your son's dad to make the effort to see his son not. If he don't then he just don't care.

S.,

You're so right that parenting isn't a "when I feel like it thing", it's everyday no matter how tired, or sick or worn out you are and you don't have anyone to share that burden with you. It sounds like parenting is new to your husband too so he doesn't even have a clue what is involved and he continues to follow his usual routine. The problem is that time marches on and children grow up fast and bond with whoever is the closest to them. It is not your responsibility, nor can you force a relationship between your son and his father. That is beyond your ability to control. He knows where his son is and you do not block his access to him, he has to find the time for him and make the effort himself. He may be thinking now that, well he's small and I can't do the things with him that I would like (ballgames, etc.) but every little phase in a childs life leads to new things, all the phases are important to building the bond. I don't believe that he will find the time for those games and hunting and fishing even when your son is old enough because to him, your son will always be too young and he will always be too busy until one day he find his son has grown up without him. Hard as it may be, I believe that your husband has to make those decisions for himself and make the effort himself. YOU are not cutting him out of his sons life, he is excusing himself from his sons life. As sad as that is you cannot control it and don't take that burden upon yourself.
Things could change, everyday is new and holds new promise so don't worry about a lifetime in one day just love your son each and everyday and be there for him. My best to you and your little guy.

S.

S., I am responding to this with some personal knowledge of a similiar situation. It is difficult and I am sorry you are going through this sort of thing. When I was it felt as if it only was happening to me. So first know that you're not alone. Second my advice is to somehow find it in yourself to realize as I had to that we are not in control of our babies daddy's. We most often won't understand their reasons for not doing as we believe they should for their children. I learned that once I let go that it' decreased the stress I felt and I became indifferent to him. I at times of sadness for his lack of time spent with my children tried to remember that he is missing out and it's my job as their mommy to not damage their relationship with their dad. My daughter who is older would ask questions and I told her "Daddy says he loves you and sometimes daddy's just don't know how to be the daddy's we want them to be." I kept to that statement and he hasn't improved the relationship much with them but they are seeing for themselves. So my main advice is to find a way to just let that hurt go. He is going to be who he is. The harder you try the more it hurts you--but don't inhibit the relationship attempts he may make-support them. Good luck!

Hi S.
I know exactly what you are going through right now. That decision was really hard for me to make. I was doing the same type of things for my son's Father and he would blow my son off. I decided to put things in his hands either your going to play a consistent role in his life or don't play one at all. I think it is better to not have him at all then to have all of the heart ache of him screwing things up. Remember you cannot make someone want to be a Dad, anyone can be a Father and there is a difference. Don't get me wrong, of course I wanted him to make the right decision and be involved in my son's life but he made his choice. I have had experience with this myself with a Father that wouldn't show up when he was suppose to etc etc luckily I had my Step-Father that was and still is my Dad. My son is lucky enough to have the same as well. It's hard but just remember it is his responsibilty and either he will figure it out or he won't. Good luck, let me know if you need any help.
S.

S.~
You can't control what the father does. You also can't stop him from hurting his child's feelins later in life. You can only be a good mother so you need to stop taking the deadbeats neglect on your own shoulders. It's not an ideal situation and it's not what you would have chosen, but it is what it is and you can only do what is best. Personally I would quit trying. If he want's to see Z, tell him to get a court order for visitation. That way you will have some structure that you can request he stick to. If he doesn't do that, no visits...period. Your baby is going to learn that his dad is a loser if he continues to 'parent' the way he does...and as sad as it is, he has to learn it from him. But what you can do is teach him that your loving arms will always be there to catch him when daddy lets him down!

~L.

You can not "force" any one to be a dad...
In his favor, he does pay some child support even if it is not dependable...
I would back off... Do not restrict him from seeing his child BUT HE MUST MAKE THE MOVE to ask YOU can I see him?
There are many stages that men go thru when they have a child. Most men are a bit scared by an infant and overwhelmed by a toddler. Its not until the child gets to be around 3 that the dad feels more comfortable with being alone with them.
Unless there are safty issues in your mind I would not accompany their visitations. Sink or swim baby... Your a dad, deal with it. He at some point will have to figure out his parenting style and the only way to do that is to let him try it on his own . IF he wants to see the munchkin, you could drop him off... But then go run an errand... Work up to dad picking him up.
Legally since he does pay support he has a right to see him. Make sure you arn't denying him his rights, But don't enable him to keep using you as his get out of parenting free card.
My sister is a single mom of 4 and I know its hard!! Keep your chin up, follow your instincts, and use your support system (family and friends) to help you thru the hard times.

S.,
This is hard. However I have grown up with out a dad, my parents got divoriced when I was little. My dad left my mom. I know that its hard but grandpa is also there and he can be a role model. Its not fair for Zachary to have his dad be like that- not interested in him. But right now is Zachary's most impressionable time. I would just try to explain it to Zachary as best as you can. That maybe dad does what to be there but is just needs to sleep first. I don't know- you know your son best. If I were in your shoes I would cut the ties maybe make it more of a friend if he wants to see him or something smiliar. Once again only you knows whats best.

If Zachary's Dad wouldn't call to set up a time to see him on his own, then why push it. If the dad doesn't realize what he is missing out on then I would let it be. Don't call him to see if he wants to see Zachary , maybe in time he will come around. But this way if Zachary doesn't see him then I think he will have less of a chance to pass what 'dad' is doing on to his kids. Without "dad" in the picture he will learn how to be a real dad ... and pass that on to his kids. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck, I wish both of you the best. I know that its not easy. Just do what you think is best.. look out for Zachary.

J.

Well I don't know how unbias this is but: My oldest son and my Nephew had fathers the same way. Honestly those men are hurting both themselves and the children. I gave up encouraging my ex to see his son when he was around 4 I worked really hard at it until then. It just got to be to much on me and the disapointment in my sons eyes was hard to deal with.
If you do not push the issue he will just go away on his own. More than likely he will come back around when your son is around 12 to 14 that is the good age for fathers most of the hard work has been done by you. then you hard work will be undone and you will be starting all over again.
My advise to to get him into a parenting class some how. If you have gone through the courts then try to push the issue with the courts. He really needs to see what he is doing to his child. My oldest is so messed up over this and a step father that when we got divorced wanted nothing to do with him after 11 years of being his step father.
My nephew could have been a pro hockey player his dad came back into his life and that got messed up with my nephew getting into drugs because of the stress (he is doing well now works for boeing)
The point of this is no matter what you do if he doesn't want to be a father then you need to tell him that if he is going to back out now not to come back till your son is over 18.
Always tell your son it is not his fault that his father is not around. Do not make excuses for his father, do not talk bad around your son about his father he will make up his own mind. Tell him daddy choose not to be a part of his life but not because your son did anything bad. Always make sure he knows that it is not his fault but even then it doesn't always help. If dad does come back into his life while he is in his teens get him into family counsoling. That is where I messed up with mine I didn't get him into cousoling and now I can not make him go he is of age.