Should I Be Concerned? - Portland,OR

little kids say the darndest things!

My little girl @3, now 11,wanted to know if Daddy left could we have a cat. (Daddy is highly allergic to cats.) While it broke his heart at the time, she meant nothing by it other than she really wanted a kitty.

They love each other very much and she would never want him to leave. (except for maybe when he makes her clean her room :))

Interesting note: my darling daughter has also developed severe allergies to cats.:)

Kids say things like this... it is merely them expressing themselves, honestly as a child can. And their "feelings" often ebb and flow.

I would, not exactly scold her for expressing her feelings, rather encourage it. But, at this age, guide her and tell her that she can tell you things no matter what and you will talk about it with her. Use it as a guiding opportunity. Not a "right" or "wrong" thing for which she will get punished or something... because as a child grows up... you WANT them to trust you and come to you with whatever they are feeling or problems they are having... you are probably her soft place to fall... for whatever she is feeling/experiencing. So that's good.

My kids, say things like that when/if they get scolded by their Daddy. I validate them, then tell them that Daddy loves them no matter what but that certain things are not always what they want etc.

And then the next thing I know, they are all hugging and kissing their Daddy. Like nothing happened. But I ALWAYS talk about it WITH them.... or, I hold their hand, and we both go over and talk to Daddy... about what is bothering them. Openly, without judgment. That "teaches" them that THEY can ALWAYS go to their Daddy too... without "fear" and talk to HIM about their feelings too. Openly and honestly, without fear of being scolded. AND it teaches them how to communicate, with both parents.
Afterall, a child this young, is exploring their feelings and they do have feelings. So, we have to help them to "cope" and to manage it.

Also, maybe something really bothers her about her Daddy. Little children have thoughts that to us as adults, may not be a big deal... but to a child it does matter. So explore that. Maybe something that happened even a few days ago, STILL bothers her. My kids, often tell me things.... that bother them. I encourage it. It is better than having a child that is all pent-up and stressed or frustrated.

But teaching them that "family" is important and we are ALL in it together as a TEAM.

All the best,
Susan

My three year old is exactly the same. He has always been a Daddy's boy, but as soon as he turned three he turned into a Mommy's boy. He says ALL the time that he doesn't like Daddy, that he wants a new Daddy, and that he wants Daddy to go away. It is totally normal. When my hubby decides to go to the park or somewhere fun... Suddenly my son loves him again.
Preschoolers go through this phase where they think they have to be loyal to just one parent. It will ease up. In the meantime, your husband needs to just try to realize that she is 3, and 3 year olds have no idea what they are talking about!

Both of our kids (3 and 21 months) are in a big Mommy phase right now. My husband does all the transportation to day care and back, takes them to all ped appointments (my work schedule isn't as flexible), and they only want to be with me at home.

It's hard when they're crying, and he can't console them.

Unfortunately, it's a phase they go through, and the tables will likely turn on us soon.

We do correct both kids when they act like that and make sure they know it's rude to say things like that. They really don't understand, but I think it helps the other parent feel worthy (at least a little).

Perhaps try having a special Mommy-kid and Daddy-kid day once every few weeks and let your daughter choose the activity so it's really special time to spend with you or her father one-on-one

I would tell her how it hurts your/daddy's feelings when she says that, it makes you sad and you don't like that, daddy would never say he doesn't like you or hurt your feelings on purpose. I used to work at a daycare for years and we saw toddlers say things like that. I think it is just a phase, sometimes they want only mommy and not daddy at all and other times they want daddy and not mommy. I think it might be a phase with the age. If it continues for a few months, or if she gives reaons why that seem concerning I would look into it. Most likely normal, sorry for daddy.

I am not sure if this will even help your question at all, but my 2 1/2 yr old son does almost the same thing to his dad. He is very close and clingy to me most of the day, and will rarely give his dad a hug. What I've heard from family members and other parents, the reason why he is so close to me is because I am the primary caretaker. But the only is, his dad disciplines him more than I do, so that could be a cause to for your child. A way my son's dad does to help get him and our son closer together is by being open,affectionate,and puts a few hours out of the day to play just by themselves.
I hoped that helped a little.

C.,
I think this is totally normal. As kids get a little older, they learn more about boundaries, limits, and the word "no"- which is, of course- not their favorite. Just as 3 year old can be very sweet and affectionate, they can also test you. I have a feeling your daughter might be doing this for attention from you. She might be hoping you will feel sorry for her, or "soften up" if you agree that Daddy is being mean. I would just keep telling her that Daddy loves her very much, as do you, and that you know she really loves him. Encourage her to share her feelings with him, so that they can talk about them and work through them. If she's not saying these things to him, and acting any differently toward him, I'd say she's just trying to get your attention.

T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

My son was a total Daddy kid. Even though I was with him most of the time. If we were at a party and he got hurt he would walk right past me on the way to find his daddy. He completely and obviously preferred his daddy. My main consolation was that when daddy wasn't there- I was number one. We also made sure that we took turns with the bedtime routine. Now, finally at age 6 he is much more equal opportunity (although there is still a bit of a preference). He actuslly has told me that he liked daddy better because he didn't see him as much.

Yes this is normal. Three year olds are trying to gain autonomy, so they don't really like it when people tell them what to do. My daughter told my husband the other day "I don't like you anymore" after he told her it was time for a bath. In some ways they are like teenagers with the words they use (however, teens know how the words can affect you and the 3 year old don't).
Like Rachelle said, tell her how you feel when she says that, but then also reassure her that you still love her if she doesn't like you. That's what my husband said last night, "That's okay, you don't have to like me, but you still need a bath and I still love you."
Hope that helps :-)

I think it is pretty typical for the age. My daughter does it back and forth between my husband and I. I don't have any advice on how to deal with it, just remind her that you both love her equally.

I read through everyones responses and I have to respectfully disagree. I have 4 children, a 6 yr old son, a 2 3 yr olds, and a 2yr old. None of my children have ever said anything to this effect and I believe it's because although children expressing their feelings is important, I wouldn't ever allow my children to say that. If they did I would just say "that's not very nice, please be nice and apologize. You are very loved and daddy/myself deserve the same in return."
I have experienced being pushed away by my youngest and this is the technique I use with her, it works and I hope this helps you.

It is totally normal and be glad the she is able to express herself. Why not have her father talk to her and address the feelings that she is having.
Dad: "I have heard you say that you do not love me and I am sorry to hear that. Is there something that I am doing to upset you?"
I do agree that children (people) need to take responsibility for themselves and clean up, pitch in and so on but how that message is delivered can make or break things. Just having her dad want to talk it out may smooth some things over and maybe they can work out a good system for her to do the things that he asks and also for dad to be a little more calm in his communication.

B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com

This is absolutely typical 3 year old behavior. Whenever we tell our son "no" on something or ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he immediately says "I don't like you. You're not my friend anymore" or "I don't love you!" It's a 3 year old's reaction to the situation and their way to respond when they are not getting what they want. It goes in cycles around our house as well. Some days Mommy is the best and other days he wants Daddy all the time. When he does this, we simply say, "Well that's okay because I still love you!" and usually after a few minutes his mood changes and he is back to being happy again. Just know that you are NOT alone! Our son is almost 4 and it seems like this phase is slowly passing. Good luck to you!

I would be inclined to just nod and say, "Oh, really?" and then change the subject. My 4 yo grandboy has gone through month-long stages of preferring one parent or the other, or telling me he doesn't like me to come to his house (when he actually LOVES it), and it is normal. Kids are baldly honest for their first few years, and I wouldn't want to force or emotionally manipulate a child into speaking dishonestly. They will learn the fine art of the "white lie" soon enough as they gain more empathy for others. That's just not their strong point at three.

Of course the "rejected" parent (or grandparent!) will feel pangs. Comes with the territory. But if you start telling your daughter that she can "make" an adult feel a certain way, she will quite naturally begin to experiment with that mysterious power, which is only real to the degree you make it so with your reactions.

My 2.5 year old has started doing similar things. I just remind her that mommy and daddy both love her the same and that it hurts daddy's feelings when she says she doesn't want him.

If you and your husband are supportive of one another and present a unified front, she'll probably back off of it a bit. She might be trying for a power play by coming between you and your husband. Maybe not, but maybe. :)