Separation and Divorce

K., I am very sympathetic wih your plight. Sorry to hear of your challenges, but you are right that the fighting will harm the children.

Instead of thinking about the final step of the divorce, you have to realize that there needs to be a period of separation to be able to be granted a divorce. In MD, it is one year with both parties consentig to the divorce, and two years if one will not consent. So right now, you and your husband need to work out how that will be done. And, because you have dependent children, you should be able to stay in the house and your husband continue to pay for it.

In MD, there is no permanent alimony unless a spouse is totally incapable of supporting themselves. But there are provisions for temporary alimony for a time so the spouse can get back on their feet and into the work world. And there is child support available too.

Please seek legal advice, I'm only telling you what I learned from my divorce 6 years ago. If you need the name of a super divorce attorney in Annapolis, message me and I'll send you her name. She is very caring, and full of common sense. But you defiitely need to talk to an attorney about your legal rights under MD law, and to guide you through this process. That way you can concentrate on helping your children.

I think you should consult an attorney about your rights. I would be happy to meet with you (I am an attorney who does primarily family law-my office is in Reisterstown). I think that it is a hard time and I think you will be more secure once you sit down and discuss your options. Even if you are not ready to go forward, I think it would help. Let me know if you want more information.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
D.

Hmmm how to start... I am a divorced mom of five who is very happily remarried, and the children are happy BUT I would have given anything to have made my first marriage work. With that said, sometimes we won't be happy in our marriage and we must learn to grin and bear it. Going to counseling is great, but you have to really think about what you are doing to one another. Are you both trying to make each happy? Today we get caught up in the "you don't make me happy" thing, remember we cannot expect others to make us happy. True happiness comes when we make those around us happy and we forget about ourselves. Please think, both you and your husband, before you decide on anything permanent. Sometimes you can live apart for a time while things get sorted out. There is nothing wrong with that. Just remember that those children will never again have this life if you decide divorce is the only solution. My children were aged 6 1/2 to 1 week old when my first husband left. I can look back and recognize my faults, but there was no way I could get him to recognize his faults or to go to counseling. I did not get the opportunity to try and fix it. What hurts most is the disconnect that exists between their father and them. All I can say is please give it time, set ground rules about being together in the house, keep going to counseling, and give it time, it may take a year. Lastly, if you are at all religious, pray. It was what kept me going through it all. When I wanted to cry I made myself pray. Once it was clear there was no reconciliation, I pulled myself together and was determined that my kids would come first. Now I am very happily married to a wonderful man and I know in my heart that this was God's plan. I was so unhappy in my first marriage and I did not know what true love was until I met my current husband. So I guess what I am saying is, give it time, pray, and be honest about you and your relationship. If you can fix things try your best to do so, for your children's sake. If they cannot be fixed make it as easy as possible for the kids to see their dad and try to be inclusive and not angry. You will survive it all, but your kids will never be the same, and it will be your job as parents to make sure they are put first. I wish you all the best and remember, pray.

Wow. What a tough situation to be in. I can't speak for myself, having never gone through a divorce, but one of best friends did a few years ago. She had also decided to be a SAHM to take care of their daughter and had to put her into daycare - briefly - while she went back to work (she worked in the high-end jewelry industry). It was a little rough at first, but she also had a lot of family support and was able to move back in with her parents (also a tough decision, but necessary) and they helped her take care of her daughter while she finished her degree.
She definitely had to make sacrifices (her dignity being one, with choosing to move in with her parents)but it was honestly the best decision she ever made. As I am not an advocate of divorce, that's really saying something. I had never seen her so in-control of her own future, and so HAPPY. It was very encouraging to see her bounce back in such a good way, both for her, and her daughter.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I just want you to know that there really is a light on the other end of things if you choose to do this. Your decisions will definitely color that light, so it's up to you, but it might just be the best thing you ever did for you and your family.
Good luck with everything!

My sympathy is with you. Although I did not go through divorce, just long separations that allowed time for both of us to calm down and reassess things, we have worked things out, mostly, and do not want to divorce as we still love each other and do not fight or disagree. I do have three neighbors with small children that have gone through divorce. I can see that when it is agreed already by both parties there is less to dispute and it goes more smoothly. If you do decide divorce is the best way, do continue to see the therapist to discuss the plans for separation and divorce, etc. And, yes see an attorney, your own, for someone to look out for your best interest. I am also a child of divorce, so I can say it's not easy at any age, but if the parents are happier separated and can function better as parents not married, then that can only benefit the children, the earlier the better to separate if that is the case. I also have a more creative background as a dancer (with a BA in that as well) and sahm and have found going back to work challenging after a period of being home and travelling internationally. Do work on your resume and list those volunteer things you have done, etc, while it is fresh in your mind. If you feel going to school would help you find work better, perhaps you can plan for that and include it in expenses for alimony if possible. I found a master's degree in teaching is the best way to take care of my son and myself, with time off, benefits, etc, as I still travel abroad to see my husband and need to provide my own health insurance in the country as my husbands is abroad where he works. There is a phrase I learned abuot called "Mommy Track Jobs" which are jobs geared to moms with kids - and there are penalties financially for staying home - lower income. Not sure where you live but I found the Howard County Community College helpful in resume writing and advice, etc, for free. And you dont' have to be a student. I also found job fairs to be truly enlightening and educational. A good way to see how things are in the work force today, without baring all on a job interview you may really want. Good practice. Not sure how Art Therapists find work, etc, but hospitals are often at job fairs. Good luck.