Sensitive 5 1/2 Year Old

She sounds like a smart little girl who wants to find out everything she needs to know about new situations before she joins in, you will be thankful for this one day.I went through this with my son who is now 10, still not overly confident but definatley getting better at changes. Talking about the situation ahead of time really helps, planing it out step by step of what to expect, perhaps if she has a friend in the class who is not shy she could buddy up with him/her.
good luck with everything and don't worry.

Sounds to me like she is pretty well adjusted, just shy, nothing really wrong with that. =) If it is about building self confidence then enroll her in martial arts. She will learn two things, how to defend herself (not a bad idea when a lot of other kids see being shy as a weakness) and self confidence. More then anything, support her, be willing to let her have alone time is she wants it.

My 3 y/o is the same way. It took me a while to recognize what the problem was, but I've come to decided that she doesn't deal well with a lot of commotion and noise. I've found that taking her to preschool or the gym childcare room early before the crowd gets there helps. If she is the first one there, she doesn't have an issue (usually). But I still haven't quite figured out how to deal with the new teacher issue. I usually don't have to deal with that at school, only at the gym. So I just take it case by case, depending on how responsive the person working is to her. If they are taking the time to try to help her be comfortable than I basically tell her "tough it out" and leave her and after a couple minutes she's fine. But if the person there isn't doing anything to help me out, I don't fight and I just leave. I know that's not really an option when she has a sub at school, but maybe you could ask her teacher to take a couple minutes to warn the students when she will have a sub (if she knows ahead of time), that might help your daughter prepare for the sub. Really, the only way to get over that "stage fright" is to face the fear until you get over it. So just keep exposing her and keep letting her know what a great job she's doing.

Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mom who understands she is the way she is and who wants to support her, not make her something she's not. She sounds like she is doing very well since she has friends and plays well with others. My daughter is also sensitive and does well when we use humor to help her with transitions. She will resist if you push her too much too directly. The only thing I can think of that might help you now and in the future is a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child". Here is a website about the book. http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm
All the best!

Check out the book by Mary Sheey Kurcinka, "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents whose child is more Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic."

It gave me a lot of insights into my daughters personality (and my own). I read it twice.

It sounds from your post as though she has a quiet spirit. What a wonderful addition she is to this noisy world!!
Can you ask her to be specific in identifying her overload point?
That gives you a jumping-off place to address each situation as it arises.
Telling her, "I know there's a substitute teacher for part of today -- hey, imagine what might happen if there wasn't a teacher in your classroom at all!" Then you could illustrate humorous things that could happen.
Alternately, you could use the Socratic method to get her to dig down and come up with her own answers. "What might happen if the school didn't have a substitute in your classroom while Teacher goes to her meeting?"
Also, it's important to tell her that you and the rest of her family know how very competent and capable she is -- those words are golden!!

It sounded like you were describing my daughter who is now 9 years old! It would freak me out and frustrate me because she wouldn't even say hi to relatives she knew. I learned to be patient and not worry about what others think of me or her. You and your family know who your child is. That being said, as she matures and is comfortable in her environments (i.e school, play groups. sports teams), a gentle push will do her good. Encourage her to introduce herself to others or initiate play. Be there with her and reinforce with praise & hugs. I set up a behavior chart where my daughter earned stickers for saying good morning to her teacher. After 5 stickers she earned a small prize. After a couple months of it being routine and knowing she could do it and no one would laugh at her or draw attention to her, she did it naturally and we weaned her off the chart--similar to a potty chart or something like that. You could use that for a variety of behaviors that encourage her to be more social. It builds confidence and skills.We also had a chart when she started palying soccer to help her be more active and aggressive when playing. We did it for a full season and now it is not necessary. Most of all, be present in those situations that scare her and acknowledge when she does do something and talk about how it worked out. You can also prepare for situations that may come up on the way to school or another social event and role-play how she might interact with others. I have seen a HUGE difference in my daughter since about the 1st grade by using many of these techniques.

Hi J.,
Well, my mom was a mom long before any self-help books were out regarding how to raise a shy child. This isn't going to be very popular with most people, but I have to tell you, when I was shy and didn't want to do something, my mom said, "Tough, get out there and do it." When there was a new kid in school or on the block, my mom made me go introduce myself and ask her to play. And guess what? Turns out, I'm not scarred for life like I thought I was going to be! I am a well-adjusted, gregarious, friendly, outgoing, bubbly person and I love meeting new people and taking on new challenges. I have 4 girls and my 5 year old is shy as well. At home she's crazy, nutty, funny, wild and a blast to be around, but when we go somewhere, it takes her a while to warm up to her surroundings. Guess what I tell her? Yep. "Tough, get out there and do it." And she does....and she has a blast. I'm not a heartless mother. I just know life comes at you whether you're ready or not, so it's better to teach them to deal with it instead of letting them pick and choose what they want to do. Of course, I do pick my battles. If it's something that's just not worth it, I don't bother. But if it's something that's a life lesson, then she doesn't get out of it. I don't want her to learn to manipulate and use the shy card to get out of things she just doesn't want to do. I already see a huge change in her from when kindergarten started in August this year to now, and I love it. I want everybody to know the wild and crazy, funny girl I know. Short term difficulty for long term results. God bless.

It's okay to be shy, just try not to make her feel self conscious about it. My daughter is very sensitive to change, so I (still, at age 11) try to talk to her in advance if anything is going to be different than she expected or if there is a change in plans. It helps her prepare herself for it so she gets the uncomfortable feeling she has to change out of the way before the event occurs. She handles things much better that way. Take care, C.

She sounds exactly like my daughter, who is 5 1/2. My daughter has been like this all her life, I don't think she will change. Her dr told us that she(the dr.) was a very shy child and in fact use to cry and throw up on the drive to school everyday, but she made it through and even became a doctor! so your child will have a bit harder time with some things but she is also not the kid who will do some crazy risky things. so it is a trade off. teachers have told us to expose our daughter to as many loud situations with a lot of people as we can. like going to the mall or a fair. We enrolled her in Karate and it has done wonders for her. she feels braver, and is able to to her forms in front of a bunch of people now. that is something I never thought she would be able to do.

J.

You know what..this is just how she is....my daughter who is in Kindergarten is the same way....she just needs to take small baby steps....Last year at preschool gradutaion she refused to walk with her class during pomp and circumstance and to sit on stage with them...I thought we had some serious problems and we went to see a therapist..and come to find out..it takes her a little bit longer to get used to new places and new crowds...which I already knew..but instead of badgering her to get out there....we don't make a big deal out of it...if she bails out, she bails out and we move on..if she gets out there....we give her praise or let her konw..hey, that wasn't that bad..and mommy and daddy were there!

funny that this topic should come up..we have our tap recital this weekendand she is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited to perform....but I think she will get on stage....she knows everyone in the dance troop and the stage/hall is a place we have been before..but if she doesn't then, it's okay....

It just take our kiddos a little longer to get the confidence to get out there in front of people.

She'll be OK....it's her first year of real school, and there is alot to adjust to :O) If she's not screaming and crying (like my son did) when you drop her off every morning, then I think she will be OK ;O)

Kindergarten is a transition in life in itself.....friends, homework, paying attention, the routines....and the fact that once it started, even after a couple of weeks, it doesn't stop and it is not temporary like most Kindergartners think.

I LOVE how you recognized her difficulties, just keep reassuring her that she will be fine. Whenever possible, encourage and reward her for her "baby steps"....make sure she knows "that wasn't so bad"....

Just keep loving her...she will be fine :O)

~N. :O)

Hi J.,

I was very shy as a child. My father was a minister and he would make me interact with adults whether I felt comfortable or not. He also made me read from the bible in front of the whole congregation. I was terrified! However, if he hadn't forced me to come out of my shell, I would have remained a shy introverted child. Just like the mamma bird who has to push the baby bird out of the nest in order for him to fly..we too have to do some nudging and we can't come in to save them whenever they are feeling insecure. When my daughter would occasionally act shy, I would always say "You are way to old to be acting shy and I'd tell her how much people like her and that everyone is supporting her and will not laugh or say anything negative." Also, she may need to feel comfortable making mistakes. Most cautious children are afraid of making mistakes. Encourage her to make lots of mistakes and give her examples of all the mistakes you made before becoming good at a hobby or job. My daughter's best friend was super shy in front of groups in preschool, but that all changed in 1st grade after her first talent show performance with her friends. Make sure not to call her "shy" when she's around or she will accept this moniker and act accordingly. Good luck

Hi J.,

That sounds exactly like my girl who is almost 4...to a T ! I have not read it yet, but bought the book, THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. I found her checklist on her site, and when, "Oh my gosh! That's my girl!!!". So refreshing to know that it affects 15-20% (according to her). I feel I'll be a much better parent to her once I read the book and can help guide and empower her in a gentle way.

http://www.hsperson.com/ is her site for "highly sensitive person"
http://www.kidtemp.com/ is another site for temperament perspective

Good luck...hope we can both get to reading the book soon!

I was shy like this as a child too. The more comfortable she gets with a situation, the easier it will be. Transitions will always be difficult. Maybe having a small security obkect like a square of a blanket that can be put in her pocket may help? When she gets older, writing in a journal may help her process the feelings that she is not expressing.

Greetings J., As the mother of 5, and having 3 that hate changes of any kind I do see your concern. BUT that said, you have just described normal 5-6 year old behavior.
The world is changing in so many areas for them, once they were home and you were their only input for information and security and now she is expected to share the teacher with not one but 24 other children. Instead of being your shinning star, she is but one of many. That is all confusing and alarming to any child.
I have one child that at that age when I rearranged the front room while he was at school and didn't think anything of it-- he got so up set that he tried by himself to put it back. I learned that I needed to tell him befoe I did anything major so that he could feel safe and apart of things. In time your little one will be able to get past all of this and then you will have even greater concerns to worry about for them.
Parenthood is much like an amusement park ride, many twists and turns and a thrill a minuet and the joy of the fun of it all. Now I get to wear a Grandmother's hat and see my son and daughter along with thier spouses get ready for the same joyful experiances. It will be the greatest work that you will ever do. Nana Glenda

Hi Julia,
I have a 6 1/2 year old boy who used to be the same way. He was easily overwhelmed by places that were noisy and/or had lots of people -- kind of a sensory overload thing. However, he was super silly and outgoing around people he knew or in smaller groups. He was born quite early, and so our insurance allowed us to take him for developmental assessments during his first three years. The experts at the developmental clinic suggested we start taking our son to places that would push him just slightly out of his comfort zone, such as a larger playground or a new activity with a small group of kids he didn't know, and as he became more comfortable in those situations, move up to things like the mall, large play places, etc. Because he was under 3, the kinds of things we did are different from the kinds of situations that would be relevant for your daughter, but I hope you can find a way to apply these concepts. Last summer, our son attended two camps where he didn't know a single person ahead of time and had a great time from day one in both situations. Best!