Selfish or Not?

Because the items are used you won't get full price for them anyway offer to sell them to her at a discounted price. This way you get money and they get the items at a cheaper price than they would at the store. Also if it's something that they don't truly want you aren't losing it for nothing and you can sell it to someone else. And NO it's definitly NOT being selfish.

No you are NOT being selfish!!!! I agree with the yard-saling idea, As a matter of fact, I bought many of my major items (strollers, playpens, cribs etc etc I had 3 kids in two years) second-hand, simply because I couldn't afford to buy them full-price, more often than not good quality items an be found in classifieds, at yard-sales, etc. And if the paint is chipping off, a little sanding and re-painting is easy enough. Best wishes!!

I would give what you want to give and nothing more. Sometimes tough love is the best solution of all, and if they are going to welcome a life into this world, they need to learn how to be responsible for it.

You're not being selfish. You're being pragmatic.

Offer to lend her the items but express your concerns about the manner in which they take care of their own belongings. Tell her that you want the items back in the same condition in which she received them (allowing for normal wear and tear), and to assure that, charge her a security deposit on each item, that you will refund when the item is returned to you in the same condition in which she received it. Make a written list of each item, its condition, and any pre-existing damage or wear. Anything that you don't get back, or that is damaged or destroyed while in their posession, you use the deposit to replace or repair.

It is tough to say without knowing the full situation of your sister-in-law. I do think you are being logical to want to keep things for your future use, especially big ticket items and items you have gone to lengths to take great care of in order to reuse. I totally agree with the advice you have been given in regards to big items you still need anyway like crib, stroller, highchair, even many toys. I also think that giving certain items to her, given the small age difference between your son and the baby to be, is somewhat illogical thinking on their part. My son is 2 and still in his crib and many cribs convert to toddler beds so they will need a crib of their own long before you are doing using it with your current child. I still use our stroller on a regular basis and he is 2, we still use the highchair, and just recently decided that some of his earlier toys are no longer of any real value to him, even simple toys can still be learning toys for a toddler if they are taught to use them in new ways, so they will need to acquire all these things on their own. The swing is the only thing, other than maybe walkers, or jumpers, that I think you might be able to part with. And honestly those things take a lot of space to store and if you have the money, newer better versions come out all the time that you would quite possibly want to get the newest and best of those for the new baby, if you had one, anyway. So if you could part with those things, which can be pricey you would be a generous giver and still be keeping the stuff you would really want to use for yourself. Maternity clothes I held onto myself, because they can be pricey and if you bought traditional, classic stuff rather than fadish styles then they can certainly be useful again in the future. Also, if your sister-in-law isn't the same size as you then she wouldn't be able to wear most of it anyway. Maybe buy her a Bella band ($25 online) and she could extend the life of her non-maternity pants and wear it practically everyday without needing maternity stuff until she gets really big and then she could pick up cheap large size pants from goodwill and use the band to hold those up (much of my favorite maternity pants are actually not maternity at all but larger sizes that I use my bella band with) and the band would help her feel comfy post-partum in her regular pants. It is like an entire maternity bottom wardrobe for $25 bucks, what a deal!! shirts are no biggy, she can raid her hubby's closet for tops as she gets bigger, no need to spend money. Kids clothes are touchy. You might be able to reuse yours if you had another, you might not. If you had a girl or if you had a boy in the opposite season you couldn't reuse anyway, but the same goes for her, plus add in a different genes factor and even if she has boy born in the same season she presents an entirely new set of genes into the picture and baby might not even be able to fit any of the stuff your son wore, so I would hold off on passing down that stuff until the baby is born. Besides she can get super cheap baby clothes at Josephine's closet next to the crisis pregnancy center downtown. everything is under $2 I think, maybe it is just $1 though, and to top that they occasionally have 1/2 off sales!! so if she doesn't live here offer to keep an eye out for her once she knows what sizes she will need and she get clothes at next to nothing (they have some nice stuff-it is all donation- which, by the way, if you decide not to keep your old baby clothes is something to consider). As to being selfish- only you can answer that. There are very unselfish reasons to hold onto some of your things, but your reasoning behind holding onto them is what makes you selfish or not. That is between you and God. So only you can answer that. I don't think enabling a person to be lazy is good if indeed laziness is the only contributing factor to their financial situation, but if it is not, Christ's example was to give everything you had to help out another - so giving out of abundance and the things you don't really need or really think you would reuse anyway is the right thing to do. If you decide to hold onto your stuff, check out Josephine's closet and get her a bella band and you have helped her a lot with minimal expense to yourself. Hope this helps.

T.,
There is a third option.
Save your things for any future children, and contribute to your sister-in-law's by finding some nice second hand items to gift her.
Baby items are often found at garage sales for very reasonable prices.
Have it both ways and only spend what you have budgeted for new baby gifts.
L. G

Do not feel selfish
I repeat:
DO NOT FEEL SELFISH

More than likely you won't have an only child. Just politely tell your mother in law, while your husband is present and the parents to be are not in the house, that you have witnessed that they don't take care of their things and that you are not ready to give up your things because you may have another child later and you worked hard for those things and you can't afford to go buy everything brand new again. Don't be ugly, just as a matter of fact. She may get snippy but after a while she will appreciate your honesty.
What does your husband say about this?
If you wanted to smooth it over a bit, you could say that you aren't ready to get rid of your stuff becuase you may have another baby but you will help them hunt for good used ones at yard sales, and maybe even buy something and take to them. (I bought an REALLY NICE car seat at a yard sale for $5.00)
They, nor their baby, is your responsibility.
I know how you feel though.... but don't worry about it. They aren't your responsibility. If they were responsible themselves, they would have made sure that they did not get pregnant before being able to afford their own place.
Good luck.

T.,

I don't think it's being selfish at all. I am like you, I do not like giving something to someone that I know will not take care of it. There's nothing I would not give to someone that I know is in need that shows graitude and thankfulness for the help, even if it ends up costing me more money. But I know what you're feeling. I was in the same sitation before, and I did let go of some of my things, some were given and some were to be borrowed and I knew this person would not take care of it as I did. The things that were borrowed came back to me in less than condition, and it wasn't from wear and tear....more like careless operation. I wanted to kick myself because my gut told me not to do it and I did it anyway. Sounds like they are expecting you to just hand it over "because" you don't need it anymore and have not considered your thoughts about it. And you know its okay to tell them your not sure about getting rid of anything just yet, this is your first baby and most of the time it's really hard for any of us to part with somethings. Hopefully once she has a baby shower, then they won't be so out spoken about wanting all of your stuff.

Hey, T.! I completely understand how you feel. I have a younger sister exactly like that! I have been giving her all my maternity and baby things. I asked for her to give the stuff back when she was done with it so I could pass it along to another friend who was pregnant and bedridden. No big surprize, but the stuff she returns is all missing pieces. I can't pass this stuff along like that! I take good care of my things and knowing she was only borrowing the stuff she should have returned it exactly the way I lent it to her! My advice to you would be, if you're not comfortable kissing that stuff good-bye then you shouldn't. It's not your job to take care of her!

I don't think you are being selfish at all. But, it will be tricky to handle it tactfully. You might decline all the bigger items on the grounds that because of the cost to replace them, you would want to keep them for your future babies. Even if they do take care of things (which they don't) motor's die, plastic cracks, fabrics stain.
As for the clothes and other baby gear--how about just giving her a few items you don't like so well. I know with my kids, I had some clothes that maybe I got at yard sales and I wasn't attached to, or were gifts that I didn't like the look of for my baby. Volunteer to go yard saleing with her in the spring.

Maybe she'll have a girl and then you are off the hook!

She should invest in her own stuff anyway--when she's done with it, etiquette would be to give it back to you if possible, and you may need it for another baby. Then if she gets preg again, she won't have anything.

Oh!You could also start looking for deals for her now. "Hey SIL--I saw the cutest baby swing at Once Upon a Child. It's only $25--you should go pick it up! Oh, you need to store it somewhere? I'll be happy to put it at my house/in my garage/whatever until your baby is ready for it."

Sometimes you can say stuff without actually saying it, you know?

Don't feel bad. I was in the same situation, however it was my sister. I ended up giving in the first time and giving her my used baby clothes, expensive stroller, etc. Of course, when I gave them to her they looked brand new. After a short time I saw how she took care of them and I felt horrible. She didn't appreciate the time, effort or cost that went into them and she just expected more. This is what got me the most. She expected more. Well I was blessed with another child years later and now money is extremely tight, and I ended up needing the gifts of used strollers, clothes etc from my friends. I really appreciated them sharing with me. So I decided, if I give it away I am helping someone else and what they do with it (or their appreciation) doesn't matter. I know I did help someone else. However, there were big $$ items I should have kept and it would have been alright to save for my next child. And I wouldn't feel guilty. Be honest. But give from your heart. Let it go, once you give it away. You may not get as much money as you think, and although she may not appreciate your gift, the child and your family may.

T.,

I understand your dilemma and have been in a fairly similar situation. Does your husband support your view? If so, I would ask him to talk to whoever is pressuring you for your items and gently tell them that you'd like to hang on to them as you do not know if you are done having a family yet. If you want to give them some items, then let you be the one to decide what to give and please not ask you again. He can explain that the previously loaned items were not well taken care of and you may not be done having a family but that's really not necessary. Hopefully they will see your side and back off. If not, perhaps suggest some local consignment stores that they could shop at - if they started now they would have 6 months to purchase items that they will need. Garage sales and craigslist.com are also wonderful places to get great bargains. If you feel you are able to, perhaps give them some items that you're not attached to that you feel you can part with and can be easily replaced. Perhaps some gender neutral clothing and some toys? Good luck and hang in there!

You are not being selfish, you are being logical. You paid for all these items that your in-laws now just expect you to give away. My opinion is that you should give her some things but not everything and your comment about possibly having more children is the perfect reason. Just explain that you feel that certain things are special and you want to keep them for "your" children and not get them back as hand me downs from someone else. My thought is that your in-laws think you are not using them so why should they have to go out and buy things (since it seems pretty obvious that the irresponsible little sister won't).

T.,
You are feeling caught my dear. If I were in your position, I would do this, discuss with your spouse how you are feeling that way the two of you can be on the same page. I would then make two piles, one the stuff that you are absolutely keeping, special toys,clothes, crib, stroller ect. Make another pile for your sister in-law a few little outfits, some toys, maybe a maternity shirt or two, write her a little card and tell her that you wanted to give her a few things that she does not have to return, and you would be glad to go shopping with her when she is ready to look for those larger items she might need. Tell her you know how expensive things can be and that is why you are keeping your bigger items for your future children and there are a few places like Freecycle or craigs list both on the internet where you can look for new or used or sometimes free items or you can post that you are in the market for some free or gently used baby items. You are not being selfish, not at all. Doing things in this manner will allow you to keep your babies items, in good order. Don't feel bad. It will also help your husbands sister and that will show everyone what a kind and generous person you are.
Good Luck
M.

Here's a third option: go to yard sales, consignment shops, and thrift stores, and as you see things in decent condition (not junk), you can buy her some items that are truly useful and give them to her. That way, you still have your nice stuff and it's still nice, but you're not just totally leaving your sister-in-law out in the cold.

It sounds like this is a pattern for her, in which case giving her more stuff won't help anything, but will actually make it harder for her to get herself out of this hole. If this is a pattern (for instance, she and/or her husband are lazy and won't work or get fired for poor job performance, or just spend their money on frivolous things), then you can explain that to your in-laws (although it would sound better coming from your husband), along with your concerns that she would not take care of your stuff, and you bought these nice items for your son so that you could use them for all of your children. I agree that if you give them to her, you'll either not get them back at all or get them in poor condition. I would not give her anything you would want to have back, or would feel upset about if you didn't get it back or saw it mis-used.

If it makes you feel any better, she can get an umbrella stroller at Walmart for $10 new, or a baby backpack or sling or something instead. A swing isn't necessary (and many babies hate it--I think both of my boys were in it maybe 10 times total), nor is a lot of the paraphernelia that we so frequently take for granted. Some of it may be useful; much is not worth it. You can find a lot of baby clothes at yard sales for .50-1.00 per item, with a lot of wear in it; and the same thing for other stuff. Just explain to her or your MIL that you want to keep this stuff for your other children (I mean, you just have one child and he's not even a year! It's not like you've got your tubes tied!), and even if you don't have any more, much of this stuff you want to hang on to for sentimental reasons, or will sell much later, once you're sure your done.

I agree with you. If they help themselves first then okay you're more happy to help them. But lazziness is no excuse for a free handout.
I don't blame you for wanting to resale things and get some money back so that you turn around and purchase your son new clothing and etc. Or saving your bigger items for you next child. I hung on to everyting I had and now after my 3rd and final child I'm ready to start selling things now. I would stand my ground and encourage her to shop second hand. If you just totally feel quilty about it (as I'm struggling with the same) you might save some little things and give to them.

Hmmm, I agree with the partial approach...pick out the stuff that you really wouldn't mind not getting back, and the other stuff keep or offer to them at half price or whatever.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with the others who say that because they are family you should just give them what they want because that's unconditional love. You can forgive and love unconditionally without enabling people's bad habits or inappropriate behavior. Forgive their irresponsibility in getting into this situation (if that's the reason for it), but help where you can and where it doesn't put you out in an inordinate manner.

My fear is that if you do as they are asking you, you will be expected to do more and more later on (I've seen it happen soooo many times). Folks get dependent on the kindness of others sometimes without even realizing it and it becomes a habit that is very hard to break later - inhibiting their ability to be successful (or recognize when they are successful!). I have a friend for whom this is the exact situation. She was a young single mom and had to rely on the giving nature others for so long that now that she is middle-aged and actually doing alright, she can't see it and still passive-aggressively hits up her friends for freebies while she isn't doing a good job of managing her own funds. We've stopped acquiescing to this behavior, pointing it out to her, and she's finally started to see her own self-destructive patterns and change them. And guess what? She's doing better than ever.

Someone said you never know when the tables might be turned; I would say that's exactly the reason you are being prudent and not just giving away everything. If you're not likely to get anything back in one piece, it does no good to give it away when you might need that stuff later.

One thing to add...I don't know about where you are but when I was in North Carolina, you couldn't use a car seat that was older than 5 years. So check the law and if you have something like that, it would be better to give it to her to use rather than have to throw it away later.

It's a touchy situation at best. Definitely talk it over with your husband to see how he feels, but what I would do is give her a few things that you won't mind replacing/not getting back. The clothes IMO are a dime a dozen and I'd weed through them and give her a few things to get her started (keeping the nicer clothes for yourself). If you're asked why you won't give her everything, my opinion is to let your husband explain it :) It's his family by blood - they may take the reasons better from him!

I also like the idea someone mentioned of going to yard sales and helping her look for some things and maybe purchasing a few items for her. You could also check out the local Craigslist to see if anyone has anything - often there are cheap strollers, bedding, and clothes.

You are not being selfish. I think every family has one of these cases and it is not easy being on either side of this fence. I think an easy way to say no is just to tell her that you want to keep the items you have in case you have more children and you do not want them to be used again between now and then. You can also offer to help one of her friends throw her a baby shower to ensure she gets some items she will need. Then once she has the things she needs and/or she doesnt need your items anymore you are free to sell them with no excuses to her.

Good luck.

T.,

Yes you are being a little selfish. Yes it is neglegence on your sister in law and her husbands behalf, but you are not doing this for them, think of the unborn child and your other niece/nephew. You don't have to give up everything, in fact if you don't want to give them your belongings, go to the flee market or the thrift store. They have nice things at a very resonable price. I understand you work hard for your money. Don't we all. It takes a village to raise a family. God blessed you with the nice things you have, He'll bless you again....

I try to live by the Golden Rule. So I say do unto them as you would want them to do unto you. Accidents and disasters happen,roles reverse. You never know how situations can change. They could win Publishers Clearinghouse and repay you tenfold. That said, I wouldn't give up anything that had sentimental value. The bad feelings that you would have when they destroyed something that you considered a treasure would fester inside you. Money couldn't fix it.

I absolutely do not think that you are being selfish!! I agree w/ the other moms in telling you to stand your ground. Our son is now 4 years old and my 3 sister-in-laws have all had boys since he was born. I have not given any of his things that I knew would not be taken care of to them. We have all of his things in case we have another child. I did go through clothes and such and weeded out things that I was not emotional about giving away. By doing this, I could give them some things but nothing that I was not ready to part with!
Hope this helps!

T.,
I went through much the same problem with some of my family! I honstly told them, that what was loaned to me I could not pass down, and other than clothes or a few toys there was nothing I could help them with, as I wanted to make sure if I did end up expecting again, I would still have some of what I would need for my child! Yes, they got angry and called me selfish and greedy, but my husband and I worked hard for what we had, and I will not give someone something that I know will not take care of it, or even be able to return it! I dealt with their sarcasm with a smile and told them that they were about to be parents and they needed to realize as I had to that nothing is going to come free with this new life!! I hope this is of some help to you!! Good luck!!

J.

I feel the same way you do about this. You are NOT being selfish. This is your stuff that you purchased with your money. You should not be expected nor should you be obligated to hand your things over to someone else. Keep your stuff and tell your sister-in-law that at this time you are unable to give her anything because you are saving it for when you become pregnant again. If it makes you feel a little bit better, give her the stuff that you know you wont be able to sell or the stuff that you know you wont reuse. This way you are giving her something, just not something you will need again. Good luck.

My DD is 4 1/2 and my SIL has a DS who is almost 2. When she was pregnant my husband was acting like he just wanted to freakin' hand everything over to his sister.... I was like, "No ma'am!"

It is YOUR stuff and you can do whatever you want to with it. If it went over well I'd just say, "I'm really wanting to save our things in case we have another child." Or you could take the passive route and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, a friend of mine is having a baby and I already promised her that she could borrow them." (Then hide them away where she'd never seen them!!)

you're going to have to keep the stroller and such items for a while past june so that should be a non-issue. give them play clothes that have been out-grown and keep the nicer/more sentimental stuff. unless you guys are planning on conceiving again in the next year or so then i don't really see a reason why you should keep the maternity items, but thats not the real point here. they should not be pressuring you for these things they should come from the heart.

Well T., if you feel you are being selfish, then you probably are. How old is your stepdaugther and her husband? We all make bad choices and decisions in our life. We are here to help others when there is a need. If someone was burnt out of their home and needed baby stuff, would you give it to them or would you say I have future need of this stuff so I am not going to help. If you are willing to help a stranger, then how can you say you love them, this is child will be your future grandchild. I say help them out. Are you close enough to your stepdaugther to talk to her about the importance of stability and finances? Maybe she was never taught the importance of being responsible. I have two children 3 years apart (son & daughter). My daughter loves to give, she always donates to St. Jude, the church, her aunts, cousins, etc. Whenever she does this I reward her with more than what she donated, because it is a joy and a pleasure to give for me. My son I am still working on. I get no greater joy than helping those who needed it. I cannot control what happens after the fact, but I am pleased that I helped someone who didn't have. Everything we have is a gift, because we didn't earn anything, not even life, that was given to us and anything that is given is a gift (including your job). You may have worked hard on your resume or have skills to complete your job, but your skills are a gift that you developed and perfected over time. Love is never selfish or unkind, again this is your future grandchild and you would rather see your grandchild without because of who his parents are. The grandchild did not ask to be born, but has needs. Look at it as helping your grandchild. Who knows your next child may be a girl, if you bought masculine products, then you definitely wouldn't give that to your daugther; if the products are neutral then that is different.

This is a very touchy subject. It all just depends on what your husband thinks about it. I would discuss it, delicately, with him first. I think if you wanna keep all of your stuff you should. Maybe go through it all and give her a couple of items that you don't really like or don't think you could use anymore but don't give her everything. B.

Hey, T.! No, you are not being selfish. Just tell them you don't wish to get rid of your baby items at this time, you may need them again. They are yours to give, sell or save. Don't feel guilty about keeping them, even if they are sitting in the attic or basement in storage. When asked, just ignore the suggestions, change the subject, or put the requests to bed, once and for all.

Hi T.,

If it were me I would not want to share :) especially for the two reasons you mentioned 1. you will have more children 2. she does not take care of stuff.

You will have to decide if you want to let her "borrow" it with the understanding that it comes back in the condition you gave it to her in.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I your feelings are valid...I would feel the same way.
J.

I understand what you are going through, I had this problem when my children were you with family and friends. I do not think that you are being selfish, just explain that you want to keep your baby stuff and that it is special to you, that you might want it for the next baby. If they don't understand, that is not something that you can control. You work hard, it is yours and you should do what ever you feel the most comfortable with.

To be frank- I think you are being a little selfish. It's family and my personal opinion is that family helps each other out no matter what. With that being said, I do see your point about the items not being taken care of and the possibility of not getting them back. Maybe what you could do is go through the clothes/items and pick out things that you wouldn't mind not getting back or things that don't carry any sentimental value. I know you work hard for your money, and of course I don't know details of their situation, but maybe you could put yourself in their shoes. They are obviously having a rough time and the pressure of having a baby I can imagine doesn't help. Hope this helps a little.

Well...it sounds as though it's not so much selfishness as it is how you feel about them (your sister-in-law) personally. You have to ask yourself...how would I feel if this were a stranger or someone from my church that has fallen on hard times and needs a little help? Or, you could think about it this way...you are not helping the parents, you are helping the beautiful little child sent from God.
Perhaps if you don't want to give them your things, you can help her acquire her own thing. Through a monetary gift, or take her down to the local thrift store or consignment store and give her the gift of your time and help.
Peace,
T.

I would feel the same as you T....I take care of my things and if I knew they would not take care of the items, I would just politely say, I am sorry but I am going to put these things away for our next child, whether you know for sure you will have another or not. It's your property...I know from experience it cost a lot to have a child. Maternity clothes and all the different nursery things, strollers, toys, etc. are very expensive. You shouldn't be responsible to take care of their situation. If they are adult enough to get pregnant, they should figure out a way to provide. They are in for a rude awakening because the financial burden only gets bigger as the child grows older...I know, I have 2 girls, 13 and 15!!

Hi T.,
Personally I do not think that you are being selfish. I do have a question though.. Is she going to have a babyshower? If so, then you should not be asked about providing things for her and her child. Now on the other hand if you wanted to give some of the things that you have bought or was given to her then thats what I would do.But only if thats what YOU want to do. But you should not feel any pressure from them about giving her all of the things that you have. To keep things peaceful between you and your husbands family, just tell them that you are not sure that you are done having children and you do not want to give away or loan out the things that you have because it costs so much money to buy them again. Or just tell them to wait and see what she gets from her own babyshower. It sounds like to me that she is being the selfish one.. depending on her parents and you for the things that she should take care of herself. If you just want to help out with a FEW items pick out the ones that you can easily replace and wont cause any hardships if they are not returned or are returned in bad condition. She can find plenty of things at flea markets or yard sells. I dont mean to be rude or harsh, but she is a big girl and can take care of herself. GOOD LUCK!!
Jen

You have done a good job with your family. But don't judge your sister in law. All you can do is love them and help them the best you can. Give them some things to borrow, ask them to take care of them and give them back for when you have another baby. If they damage things, and they might, forgive them. Since you have been blessed with the ability to buy your own things, you may be able to afford to buy another. Unconditional love is love that expects NOTHING in return. Give and love and your reward will be the knowledge that you have helped someone in need. Wheather or not you think they have earned it.

Give them the things you don't consider precious, keep the things you do. It's not their right to rifle through your belongings and take what they want. Some things jsut can't be replaced. And they obviously have a haphazard view of life. You're not the salvation army. In fact, I would suggest they go there. Lots of good clothes and bargains to be found!

L.