Seeking Help with Bad Behavior in My 3 Year Old

A., I'm certainly not an expert, but am a mother of 3 (7, 4, and 2 years old) and have had my share of dealings with attitudes. It sounds like your son has had you to him self for a good little chunk of his young life and is having difficulties dealing with sharing you again. I know that it's always easier said than done, but do your best to be patient with him. However, at the same time make sure you are reminding him over and over again that he is still important to you and that his daddy isn't there to take his place, but to be a part of his like again instead. You will probably have to go out of your way for a while to show him more attention that you normally would. Eventually he should see that his daddy is not there to take you away from him. Also, it is very important to stay consistent with disciplining him for his bad actions. Keeping consistancy between rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior will help him to always know what to expect. And, no matter what don't back down on a punishment promises regarding his bad actions. Meaning, if you tell him that he will go to time out if he acts badly, then make sure that's exactly what happens when he does. This will help you both to gain a respectful relationship. Hope that helps some. Best of luck!
- T.

I suggest you discipline together. My husband was in Korea for 2 years and we went through the same thing. If you discipline by yourself you are the bad guy and your hubby is powerless. Say Daddy and I are not happy with ... and take turns enforcing the punishment. He should know that you two are in it together. I am sure you have heard of divide and conquer. When he throws a tantrum ignore him, completely. When he is done speak to him on eye level, do not raise your voice. Say Ethan we do not do whatever the behavior is, tell him he is going to time out for a set amount of time and make him stay there if he gets up 20 times you sit him down 21 times. At the end of the punishment, you tell him what he did wrong again and make him apologize. I am telling you it works. Remember that bad attention is still attention and I am sure he is trying to get your attention back since your hubby is home.
I would not put him in a pull up if my life depended on it. He would be in underwear. You are allowing him to control you.Do not give his negative behavior any attention, only his positive.
Good luck.
D.

Hi A.. My name is A.. I am also a mother of a 3 yr old boy who (at the time just turned 2) did not adjust to his Daddys home coming. This is my belief... no matter the length of time 9 mths is a long time in our case it was more than a year. My hubby joined the Army when our son was just 6 mths. So he had way more Mommy time. But again I dont think the length of time matters. What matters is this, Daddy being gone long enough and while they are too young to understand but completly become attatched to the one person that is around 24/7. I have been a SAHM since I became prego with our son. My advice would be to see how your son does with some cool one on one time with Daddy. Anytime Daddy goes somewhere that doesnt involve work, maybe him and Daddy can go together, or plan a special day together doing something that your son enjoys doing. You get Mommy time and they get some bonding time. I hope this is helpful to you all. And good luck!
A.

hi A.;your sone just feel that he along.all the time your husband was gone he had your sole attition.what you two are going to have to do is take it slow with him.let your husband started doing think with him and for him.that way they will bond again.when he start acting up just take him to a chair and sit him down and talk to him about what going on and everthings.kids are smarter then we think at time.if you would give him a little job to make him think he is still need and still your big boy. hope all will trun out ok for you all.

Ethan is reacting to the change in your household since your husband came home. He was gettiing all the attention and now has to share you with someone else.
When I had my second daughter, the first was two years old and was potty training well. The older one was so jealous at first, she went to the potty and then 'decorated' the bathroom walls for me.
She came around though and so will your son. It's great that you're continuing your education and good luck with your business!

Keep in mind that your son was 2 years old when your husband left. He has been raised by you for nearly a year. Your husband has to recreate his relationship with both children, but more especially with the youngest one.

Anger and discipline are not the route to take unless he needs to learn a lesson about a specific behavior after you have patiently dealt with it at least one time. He is definitely acting out from whatever emotional feelings he has inside. It is normal for children to act out in anger or to withdraw - depending on their personality.

I would have my husband take a few hours with him one on one and just spend time talking and playing intimately. Make sure your husband talks openly with him about him being gone and your son not really knowing who he is now. Any discipline by your husband should be firm, but very loving and interacting with love and touch.

Hope this helps.

I feel that Ethan is having trouble with feeling competition for attention since his daddy got home. You may want to give positive reenforcement for any good behavior he shows and just no attention when he acts out. Just clean up any messes and talk to him about how good it is when he goes to the potty instead of making a mess. You hubby can spend extra time with him, playing games or just cuddling when watching tv. does Ethan have something he really enjoys? I mean things like a certain video or toy that your hubby can do with him? Reading to Ethan or going for a walk or running an errand. These are things that can be used as rewards for good behavior or special times for him to have you or your hubby's full attention. I hope this helps you some.

A little about me. I am a grandma. I have raised 3 children to adulthood and have two wonderful grandson's.

Dear Amamda,
Not sure how much help I can be, but when my youngest daughter was 2 to almost 6, and her younger brother (3 yrs younger)was 2 1/2 to about 5 1/2 years old, I had the almost the same problem. My husband was in the military also, and was gone VERY frequently, a week or every other week, to a couple of months, to a year at a time in Vietnam. While they didn't "act out" as much as your son seems to be doing, they still had difficulty whenever my husband came home after a trip. They would have nothing to do with him, sit by him, on his lap, etc. for a while, they eventually would come around. How long usually depended on how long he had been gone. WE finally figured out that at the younger ages, they really just didn't remember him. So he just had to have patience and take things a little slowly until they got used to having him there again. AT about 4-4 1/2, they remembered
him, but then were scared he was going to "go away again", and were more reserved. They also had 2 older brothers and 1 older sister (I had 5 children in 9 yrs), so were used to not getting "all" the attention in the house. I think probably this is part of your son's problem. He has had you to himself for 9 months, and now he has to share you with what to him is a strange man. I am sure you are trying to do "family" things, but possibly if you could pick out some things that your son really likes to do, go to the park, the zoo, for a walk, bedtime reading, etc., and get him to do those just with him and his dad. Make them "only boy" things. As far as the potty goes, tell him everytime he goes to the potty like "a big boy again", he gets a "prize". Dollar Stores are great for this. Buy a few things at a time, put them in a "treasure box", and he gets to pick out 1 thing after the potty each time. Main thing for you and your husband is Patience! Good luck.

It's perfectly normal, at this point and time, my husband is on his 3rd 1yr+ deployment. And simply raising his voice slightly usually has the kids stopping whatever they are doing and getting big-eyed LOL Especially right after a deployment. He will adjust, and also on the potty issue, make him wear big-boy undies, he won't like messing on himself, and will potty-train again, more than likely HE will take the incentive. Wishing you the best!

Rose

Number one you both sound like you are good parents. I feel your son is very upset when Daddy goes away. And when Daddy come home he lashes out with bad behavior because he left him. And are you both correcting him and agreeing together? That could be confusing him. To have to listen to different rules. Work together and stay with it. If he see you both together in correcting him. He will soon understand Daddy and Mommy are together in helping him to understand what he must do. Who is he to listen too. Alway do it with love and understanding. I would be firm on getting him back on the potty training. I have a granddaughter like that. I would take him in when you go in and have him setting on his potty. He got to understand that is were you go. Be consistant. I hope I gave you some ideas.

just make sure you are both very patient with him and just give him time to adjust. he was used to just him and you and now there is another person in the house, he'll come around just reinforce that the negative behavior will not be tolerated and try to find something the three of you can do together that he would enjoy. good luck! and congrats on getting your husband home and tell him thanks for all that he and his military brother's and sister's do for us.

The best advice I can give you? PRAY! Pray this through. God can change this... He can work in your child's heart AND in your husband's heart to make a beautiful restoration of relationship. It seems too that the two need a little bonding time together. Like maybe your husband can take him to the park or to something fun just the two of them. One thing that always needs to be present however is discipline and consistency. If your child is throwing fits or screaming, he needs to be disciplined to know that is not acceptable in your house. It should however always be done in love, not in anger. You husband also needs to do the disciplining, this will show your son that he has a major role in the home and that he can't just disregard him. Love always disciplines. Kids want boundaries, even though they think they don't. If they don't have them, they grow up resentful. When they do have them, even though they put up a fight when the rules are being enforced, they grow up feeling loved and having respect for you. And for everyone, it establishes and maintains order in the home.

With your husband spending some time with your son and giving him both love and discipline, and with you praying, this situation could be resolved in no time!

A.,
First let me say "thank you" to you,your husband and family for the sacrifices you all have made.

Your 3 yr old is not used to sharing you. With you husband gone for 9m that is almost 1/3 of his life, certainly a big part of what he remembers. Maybe your husband could establish some sort of specal time to spend every day with his son, this special time is not contengent on anything. It happens no matter what, don't use it as reward, punnishment or anything. Just 10-15 minutes the two of them can spend towgether to do whatever you son wants to do. Their relationship will get closer it will just take some adjusting.
I know people say don't take it personally, but it is personal. Your son does not have the words to express his feeling so his behavior is the way he is doing it for now.

As far as his potty regression this I think is his way to control something in his life. I would keep him in what ever he has aways worn. Then when he goes in his pants get him to help clean up. I would be indifferent to this situation, not telling him anything except that poop and pee go into the tolit.

A. I know it is easy for people who don't know you or your situation to stand around and say try this or that. I am just offering suggestions, I have worked with children and families for 20 yrs and have raised 2 of my own.

I wish you and your family the best.
D.

All I can say is stay consistent and if your husband has not begun disciplining yet it may be time for him to step in. He may jealous that he is having to share mommy with this man who he may or may not even remember. We are fortunate as my hubby does communication so we talk everyday and he gets to do webcam quite often so the kids even our youngest remembered him when he got home. Oh and try to talk quieter than your son's yelling and say calmly and quietly I want to talk to you but you can not hear me while you are yelling when you are done I will talk to you, or something like that. It works with our 3 year and 22 month old. I refuse to yell like I was anymore. My throat could not take it. Good Luck and glad your husband made it home safe and sound!

=^) M.

First-take a deep breath and calm down. Believe it or not your son is just acting out because he is afraid Daddy might "go away" again. Your husband needs to spend some time alone with him. Have Dad to take him to the park or a kid's movie, or maybe your husband and all 3 of the kids could get together and build a play house or swing set. My son and my husband had a "Daddy and me" night-which gave me some alone time.
As for the potty training, I trained my son by getting him a small stool to stand on to pee and I'd throw Cheerios in the potty and tell him to 'sink them'. And 20 or 30 minutes after we ate I took him to sit on the potty and while he tried to go poo; I would read to him.
I'm sure you are wonderful parents and believe it or not 'this too will pass'.
Daddy needs to send him to time out when he acts out towards Daddy and you need to send him to time out when he acts out towards you.
We had a star chart too. Every day that my kids did all they were supposed to do-they got a star. A weeks worth of stars is worth $5 to go to like Dollar any yard sale(there's one thing Dad and the kids can do together).
My daughter was Valedictorian of her high school class. My son I allowed to drop out of school and attend Job Corps where he got his GED and a certification in Culinary!
Each child is different.
I'll be praying for you.
Blessings;
High Priestess Maw ( everyone just calls me Maw).

A. my friend is having the same problem with her 3 year old girl......when her husband came back. with her we know she is not understanding what all the change is about and wants her dad there but is also very mad at him for leaving.. mabey just let him try to express how he feels and allways prayers of a mother are the most powerful thing we have... i hope all gets better.

I have so been through this, as my exhusband is AF and my current husband is a Marine. One of the first things to do, is to make sure that you spend some time just with your son. As he probably remembers Dad, but at the same time is really really ticked that he left and came back. He also feels a little bit like Dad is taking his place with you as I am sure you want to spend time with him (as we all do when they come home). Kids do act differently, but what you are describing, is completely normal. How long had he potty trained? Backsliding is such an aggravation, but it happens. Encourage him to go in the potty, and have him watch Daddy on occassion. He will be back to his normal self soon. Also, try to explain that Daddy is staying (hopefully, as I know how deployments go) and have your husband take Ethan on walks, park visits or even to McDonald's to play atleast once a week by themselves. He may say he doesn't want to go, but with you being homebound mostly, forcing him to go with Dad he will begin to take more interest in time with him. It is always a work in progress. If you had a routine before your hubby got back, try sticking to it as much as possible. It hurts their feelings when they try to jump back into where they were before they were gone and the kids don't like it. It is a necessary thing to let Dad be a role, but still kind of take a back seat. Kids aren't like us...we understand the whole coming back, and that they left for a darn good reason. Kids just see that Dad left them high and dry, and they are trying to express that. It's not easy...but it WILL get better, and probably sooner than you think. Chances are, you are not alone...depending on your base, they may have some sort of post deployment counceling or something. Also, ask your pediatrician for advice. But I think things will be better soon. That's been my experience. My husband was injured and came back needing surgery after surgery and he couldn't chase after our youngest on crutches. So Keegan would do something he knew was wrong just out of arms reach and say "see ya" and take off. He also was the worst behaved at the hospital when we'd go. We'd be there like 5 minutes and it started...every single time!! It did get better, and dad is gone for a couple of weeks right now, and there will be some adjustments even after such a short time. Take care and Good Luck!!

My suggestion may exhaust you even more, but I do think it works. My husband and I used the 1-2-3 Magic book and it really worked for us. I have forgotten the author's name, but if you type that into Barnes and Noble or Amazon, I'm sure the book will come up. I think if you use that with him consistently, he will come around. I would also sit down and talk to him about your husband's return and how it must be confusing for him etc... Put words around the issue and then explain to your son that you are going to start disciplining when he won't listen, you'll count to three and then it is a time out.

I'm also sure he needs extra TLC and sometimes when our children have tantrums we feel that we have to discipline right away. One of my friends told me that it is important to make sure to find a way to contain your child's emotions when they have tantrums. Certainly, your child feels out of control when he has a tantrum, so you may lovingly put him in his room or bed and just say, you need to get these emotions under control, or find a place where you can sit with him and hold him. It is important for him to be able to express his emotions while feeling that the situation is contained or under control. I do also believe in helping him find words and putting words around his frustration will help him to put words around it in the future and therefore help him grow out of the tantrums. Good Luck!

Sounds like he is a little jellous of the attention that you are getting from his dad and he is not getting your 100% attention now. He probably don't realize that he is his dad if he has been away for 9 months.
Try leaving them alone together some and let the little boy get to know his dad without you around. Then when you get that part taken care of then you can all go into being a family again.

It's normal behavior. He's just trying to figure out what his new bondries are. The best thing you can do is maintain whatever rules you had set while dad was gone. He will be testing to see how dad reacts- this is how he will figure out just how far he can push.

Hi A.,
This is very normal behavior for military "brats". They adjust while the parent is gone and need time to re-adjust to them coming back home. My best suggestion would be not to be the bad guy. Have your husband correct your son if needed. A little alone time for the two & of them is a great idea, too. We have three children 10-8 & 5. My husband has been active duty for the past 13 years. Deployments will happen and kids will get through them... (so will you).
Give your son time and he will come around. Just remember that what you let him get away with now, he will expect to be "normal". Stick to your routine and he will notice the boundaries and life will return to normal.
I wish you lots of patience!

A., I understand the difficulty. A little history: My son is 3.5 and will be 4 in July. My daughter is 15 months. This year will be our 4th deployment. My son has gone through several adjustments and really acted out against daddy this last round when he returned home. He was really hurt when he left because he SOOOOO loves his daddy. So, when he returned he was really scared every time he went somewhere that he was leaving for work "far away" again. He would cry and throw fits when he stepped out the door (even on the porch) and then get angry when he was just in the house. As much as it is an adjustment on us, it really is on them because they don't understand time as well. We remained firm in telling him we did not like the behavior he was exhibiting and would ignore him when he would throw fits. We did it together or backed each other. We would praise him when he was calm and relaxed. We also reiterated the expectations we had of him. It took a few weeks, to adjust and he's doing well. There are still the random tests in which he tries to throw a fit, but it is short lived. We are on rotation and so hubby is in 5 months and out 7. The only thing that helps with the little ones is time, lots of love, and prayer. Keep up the good work and congrats on school & business.

Your child is acting out b/c of all the changes in his life. Of course he wants his Daddy back, but he's go to get used to having him around again. In the life of a 3 year old, not seeing someone for 9 months pretty much makes them a total stranger. You guys need to relax, reassure him that you love him to pieces, and don't expect him to bond with his Dad right away. Like anyone he hasn't seen in almost a year, it will take him some time to warm up to the man! His poor little emotions are all mixed up and he doesn't know what else to do, besides scream and throw fits. I'm sure they have people on base (or whatever) you can talk to about this- it must be fairly common.

A few key things.
1.Dad should work on being his friend for a short time, not being the disciplinarian.
2.You need to continue spending some one on one time with your son. He may be very jealous.
3.Leave him in a pull up or diaper until he gets used to dad. He will pick up the potty when he is comfortable with his environment.

I would suggest dad take a back seat in discipline. Your son would not obey a stranger, which is what Dad is to him right now. He does not understand nor accept the authority Dad has in his life. He will rebel, if dad doesn't take a back seat. Dad needs to take the time for his son to get to know him again, like a friend. They need to have fun. Then Dad can - slowly - work back into discipline.

Do keep with your schedule - and schedule in a lot of one on one time with your son. he is used to the whole day being one on one time. Also plan things centered around him that your husband can attend and participate with. Like the park. Maybe see if any of your friends husbands can do a 'daddy/son playdate'. Dads don't have to play but if they are in the same room, it is helpful. Continue to encourage your husband that it will get better.

Forget potty training right now. When he is used to dad and the transition has past, he will be ready to use the potty. And he will pick it up like he never stopped using it.

When you feel your son is used to dad, and dad begins to discipline, you will have to reinforce that. Discuss this with your husband first, as he may hate it at first. But your son will need to know that mom has given this guy authority to discipline me, and if I don't obey...I am in big trouble. Just don't rush this. Help your husband understand that it isn't that you don't think he can enforce discipline on his child, but more that you want your son to understand that you agree with dad and are not coming to your son's rescue.

You know it is your husband coming home and the disruption to the daily routine and the attention he got now going to dad. he will adjust but you must not allow him to be in control. If dad could chime in on bath time or reading at bedtime or some of the other things that bring closeness he will eventually quiet down. If you have to punish his behavior be consistent and don't put up with disobedience and disrespect.He must respect you and dad and be patient with his adjusting to dad again.

I have to agree with Freddie and Geri. It sounds like he is confused and jealous about the changes that have taken place. My son who is 4 1/2 went through several changes at about that same age. We moved, and his teacher that he adored left his preschool; he has been completely potty trained and was very well behaved; then it all changed when. After a couple months we discussed it with our pediatrician, who said this was not uncommon for little ones and that it acutally takes several months for them to adjust and that you just have to reassure them that your love for them has not changed and reinforce your expectations gently and reward good behaviors. Once again we have had another change, my husband started working nights and we are going through similar experiences once again. Some days are better than others. Also, we were recently told by our pediatrician that being over tired (sleep deprivation) can cause these behavior changes as well. Best of luck to you and your family.