Help with over Sensitive Boys Since Dad Left for Army

I've also lived through the separation of being part of the National Guard. Our son was born about 9 months into the deployment and my husband came home when our son was about a year old.... it was 22 months total! I didn't have older children to really deal with, but my very close friend did and her son expecially had a lot of trouble. I'm not sure if your unit has an active FSG or offers any special programs through out the deployment. But if there is an FSG take advantage of it and use the programs! Some things that I know really help are having daddy very present in daily activity. Have a special picture of him in the boys bedrooms and maybe you could even put one at the kitchen table, so they can eat dinner with daddy! If possible now mail your husband a copy of your boys favorite book and have him video tape himself reading it and then maybe have him say I love you and sweet dreams. Play the tape at night before bed and that way they can see daddy and he can be a part of bed time. If he has a laptop and you also have a computer use a web cam they are great!
Sending him packages are also a great way for your boys to get some creative energy going. Have them color pictures, pick some crafts, help bake cookies. USPS has apo onerate boxs that are like $10 to mail and are a decent size.

There are also a few web sites you should take a look at:
http://www.momjunction.com/members/JournalActions.aspx?g=... There is a list here of a links for really great books on deployment for children.
http://flatdaddies.com/
http://www.hugahero.com/index.php
If you would like I could gig up more info... just send me a message and let me know.

And don't forget about you time, because a well rested mom will help them out much better. Best of luck and stay strong for your little men!

The advise you have received sounds very helpful. I just want to say thank you to you and the families of service people who sacrifice their "normal" lives to support their loved ones overseas. Without you, our country would suffer! Thanks to you and your husband from a grateful citizen!

I just want to say Thank You to your family! Our Country is safe having service men and women like your husband. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts! If you live near Savage and need anybody to take the boys for a couple of hours I am always willing!

Consistency in what you do may reduce the discipline needed.
If you start your day right, which means with a agenda, you may finish feelilng better.

Make a list of the things that you wan tot do, have to get done around the home, then the things you want to do with your sons, and a list of things they can do on their own.

Between the list, yours is the most important. It is not selfish to make sure you are okay. It is not selfish if all receive something positive in the day.

Look at the list and decide when you want to do the things for you and make it on the time schedule. Then add what you want to do with the boys. Next is the chores/house needs. List them where they finally fit. The things the boys can do on their own should fit around the work of the house that you have to do solo, there are some items that they will be able to help with.

It will take some time to map out at first, but once you find out how to work YOUR system, it will make everyone happier. The ther is not time to discilpline because everyone is filling their day with love and tasks. The system you have will have days of not working as planned, but this is not a failure, this is a strategic collaboration betwee you and the boys to get out of the house and do something fun that all of you can enjoy. Maybe as simple as going to the library for a couple hours and reading books at a table by yourselves, and other yout may want to listen. You may find a mother there that has some of your same needs, concerns, feelings, fears. You are never alone.

Hi J.,

I'm sure in your situation you have a tendency to be easier on your boys than normal because you feel guilty for Dad being gone....this is normal, but they soon learn to take advantage of this...normal, too. The best thing you could do is go by the rules, be consistent, and always follow-through. Not always easy, but once they realize that you aren't going to give in, it will go a lot smoother. Children actually thrive on knowing how things are going to be. They are much happier if they are on a schedule, and can tell you the next step. It makes their life, and yours, much more comfortable. Most of this change is up to you to set forth...it won't always be easy, but just remember that it will definitely be worth it in the end....and I'm sure it will also make your husband feel so much better to know that his family is doing so well while he is gone.

Good luck!

C.

Hi J.,
My hubby just got back this last summer from Iraq. I have a 8 and 13 year old and now a 1 year old. I found out is prego 5 days after he left. It was tough for all the families that i know no matter what the ages. The best thing i can say is to get involved with other families that are in his unit or company. It will help the kids to be around other kids like them. Also keep them busy doing things. Like have the draw or color a pic for daddy weekly, take a picture of them, make a video to send him. If u get to talk over the net when he gets there then have them talk to him individually. We made care packages to send over as well. We baked and sent their fav items. Things are expensive over there so things from home are cheaper. Use flat rate boxes as they can be heavier and cost less to ship.
We made some pillows with a pic of my hubby on it and the kids got to sleep with it. Take a old tshirt and put his pic on it and then sew up the sleeves on the ends and stuff and sew up the bottom. It really helped when they needed to hug him. There is alot of things that u can do, just keep them active and u yourself stay focused on home. If your home is not functioning well and u let on to your soldier they have a tough time there. I know my hubby relied on me to take care of things at home so he could do his job. He is an engineer as well. Good luck! If u need to vent or talk just send me a message. I'd be happy to email back and forth! Time will fly once he is in country!

My husband worked out of town off and on during the first 20 years of our marriage. I remember when he first started working out of town after being home for 2 years and my oldest son who was about 4 or 5 at the time started acting up as yours is. Finally I had enough and asked 'why are you acting like this? What is wrong?" He broke down and cried saying "doesn't anyone understand.. I just miss my daddy". Right now your son's lives are turned upside down, not only with missing daddy but knowing he isn't coming home for a long wile and the older one could understand that he might go to war. This is so scary for children who like things in a safe consistant schedule. What they need is extra hugs and understanding. When they start acting up say "I know you miss daddy, maybe we can call him" or watch a video with him in it or even go through photo albums with them. They just need to know that it is ok to miss daddy but it isn't ok to behave in a negitive way, daddy wouldn't want that either. Let them know that you miss him too. Then try to get their minds on something else after you all have a good cry. Allow them to adjust to their different life now even if it is really hard for a while. Remember this too shall pass.

My husband is in Iraq and my son is okay. Everything sets me into a tizzy (or at least it did for awhile). I think that what they probably need is time. Also, my husband did this before he left, but they have a program over there where they can video your husband reading books to the children and send it home. My son enjoys watching daddy read. I also let him talk to him on the phone often. It is all very hard and I think it has been harder on me than on my son, honestly. You just have to make it through. Keep in mind that they miss their daddy and try to be understanding. Good luck!!!

unfortunatly I do not have any advise. I just wanted to say thank you to both your husband and you. when my husband came back from over seas everyone thanked him for what he did (I know it is hard over there and they do work hard) but the people that are left at home have to work hard to! I was was lucky I met my husband at the end of his army duty. All my husband had to miss was the pregnacy and then got to come home to a little bundle of joy. Good luck and I am sure he will be home before you know it!

I understand totally as we are going through the same situation. I have a 2 year old and a 9 year old daughter. This is my husband's second deployment. My daughter was almost 5 when he left the last time and I am now realizing that we didn't handle it the best. She thought Dad was just at work. So we have dealt with her loss of trust in her Dad since. Now we have the two year old boy who is very much Daddy's boy, but Dad has been gone most of the time since he was born (he's been on active duty for the last 4 years) so he also has issues with "where's Daddy"
My best advice for you is this. Love them and know that they are hurting as much as you are. You have the advantage in knowing that you can't change the situation, so the previous advice you received of routine, routine, routine is very important. Set aside a little time at least 2 or 3 times a week, to make cards and letters for Dad and then mail them to him. If you have a picture of your husband in uniform post it in the boy's room, and remind them that Daddy is always with them in their hearts even if he can't be with them physically right now. The tantrums and fits get old quickly, (believe me i know! my 2 year old is a master) but if I hold him and talk to him about missing dad and it not being the right behavior I can usually defuse it. Please don't ever feel like you are alone, there are a bunch of us in the same boat. Don't ever hesitate to reach out and know that you can email me anytime!

Good luck and God bless!

I have also been through this, just a little differently. Our son was almost 4 and our daughter was almost 2 when Daddy went to Iraq. Now looking back I see that we did some things correctly, and some I wish I could take back. We had an 8 x 10 picture of Daddy in each of their rooms, and said prayers with Daddy and told him goodnight every night. I had Grandpas, uncles, etc. spend as much time with them so they could get some male bonding and they were all very willing to help with that. As far as discipline, The first few months were almost unbearable, to say the least. Consistency is key. The oldest would do something that would merit punishment, he would be put in a time out, etc. then he would start crying for Daddy. I would just tell him that I know that you miss Daddy, so do I, but we still need to be a good boy. After a few months, we got in a really good routine, and everyone was happier. I noticed in a previous post that someone mentioned to remind the oldest that he is the man of the house. From personal experience, I wouldn't go that route. We did that, and now feel as if we put too much pressure on our oldest, and in the long run, grew up way too fast and worried way too much. I would just let them be kids, and you will make it through!

I'm sorry that I have no advice to give, since I've never been in your shoes. I just wanted to post and say thank you to you and your husband. The sacrifices you and your family are making are making a better life for the rest of us. If you ever need another mom to talk to, don't hesitate to email. My prayers are with you and your husband always.

Hi J.,

It's been a long time since I've dealt with your situation. My son was about 4 during the first Gulf War when my ex was deployed so I know what you're going through.

My situation was a bit different though as my ex was regular Army when my oldest was born and so he was often "missing" from the picture throughout the first four years.

For the four year old you can try reminding him that he's the "man" of the house while daddy is gone. That sometimes helps older boys deal with the separation and try to be a little more stable. Even the 2 year old can understand that "daddy wouldn't like X behavior", sometimes that helps too - just reminding them that daddy will be coming back and that they should be helpful/behave while he's gone because that's what daddy expects.

Other than that you will find yourself being more lax, more permissive, and more frustrated. There's no real way around that. It just happens naturally, in my experience. The stress of suddenly being a "single" mom and worrying about your husband is going to be hard to deal with, I won't lie, and sometimes you're going to just not feel like doing anything.

Try to find some time for you. That's extremely important to "recharge" your energy while you're handling two boys alone. Small children feed off your emotions, so if you're on edge, they will be too. Give a little on the things that are small - pick your battles, stay consistent on the things that really matter.

Schedules really help in this situation because the children can expect X and Y and it gives them some stability in a situation where things have suddenly changed. Most important is to reassure them that Daddy is only supposed to be gone for X amount of time. You might try putting together a calendar with them that they can mark off some how to count the days. Help them write letters/draw pictures for him to keep them feeling connected.

They may also be acting out because they're afraid. They don't know what's going to happen but they may understand it's dangerous. You can try some role playing with toys, get them some plastic army men and have them pick one that's special, that represents "daddy". Let them show you through play what's bothering them so you can address it. You can also use those toys to try to show them what daddy is doing in a general sense. If he's a civil engineer he's probably working on infrastructure, maybe helping to fix things like bridges/buildings/etc...

Sometimes children knowing what daddy is doing and that's it's helping other children (fixing their school, their home, etc...) will help them feel good and proud about what daddy is doing.

Also see if you can find a support group and attend with them. NG and reservists often put together support groups to deal with deployments, and it can help to talk and be around other folks in the same situation. It will also help the children to be around other kids in the same situation - sometimes they help each other without direction from the adults.

Best of luck. I know it's hard, and frustrating, and frightening and exhausting. It doesn't help much, but thank you for suffering through such a time while your husband serves his country.

As we used to say, "They also serve who pack and move". Without strong families to support the men and women of the armed forces those deployed would be much less successful.

L.

I am also an Army Wife. My husband hasn't been deployed yet, but he is gone mon- thurs working about 150 miles away where he is stationed. I also have problems getting my boys to listen. I have four boys. I have learned that sometimes you just need to pick your battles,and hope they are the right ones! I also had a sit down talk with them and explained that I know they miss daddy when he's gone and that I miss him too. I told them that it's okay to miss him, but it's not okay to act up because they do, and that it would be easier for everyone if they would behave. After they adjusted to him being gone during the week things have settled down a little. Hopefully once your kids get into a routine, and they adjust to him being gone things will settle down for you as well. Good luck to you and also to your husband.