Problems Between My Son and Husband

My son did this to some degree for quite some time. When dad would get up in the morning he would scream and run to his room and slam the door, he would throw a fit when he came home at night too. We just ignored this behavior (he went to his room for the fit throwing like always) and started giving him some one on one time with dad where they would go to the store, park, or he would help daddy build or fix stuff. It will pass, its a normal thing I think. If you have a girl its just the opposite. Good Luck, Jen

Not much advice but I think things will get better once the new baby comes. My daughter has always been close to her dad but is definitely more so since her sister came, since all my attention is focused on the baby, she loves having daddy home and getting all his attention when mommys busy with baby. Good luck!

You husband needs to pick up some discipline. Your little boy does not understand what he is saying and it's effect. All he understands is what he sees. Cut out the candy and treats, spoiled is as spoiled does! When your hubby is able to send him to his room and stick by it firmly, start sending them out for bonding time. They will need to go somewhere, with out you to run to, and do something together. If your boy acts up while they are out have your hubby pick him up so his arms and legs can not hurt, put him in the car and leave.

Kids of all ages seek rules. They want to know what is appropriate. I have had kids as old as 13 come over and hang out because I put them to work and insist they follow the rules. They feel like a member of the family which they don't get at home.

Hey there, I advise that your husband & son have some serious "man time" together. Maybe they could go on a trip together, or start doing an activity together on the regular basis, just them. They obviousy are lacking a bond, and your son has zero respect for his daddy. The one way I know to get respect is to EARN it. That kid has to see his daddy in action doing something awesome, or they have to accomplish something cool together...A three year old really hasn't seen enough of the world to not be amazed at simple things a Daddy can do. I strongly reccommend that you just step back, and let the guys do their thing. (good time for some nesting & a bubble bath mamma) The more "guy time" they spend together, the better off they'll be together.

I agree that you & your husband should have some quality time, the baby should NOT be bribed, and that HATE is a BAD WORD in my house, punishable by "nose on the wall time outs"~1 min. per. yr. old~ Kids are smart, they can learn new words to use.

Your husband and you should be a TEAM, both should consistantly disipline, "same rules everyday" is also a term used at my house daily. If your husband refuses to step up, he is refusing to be a father. Kids NEED to know that their parents will take care of business. Back to the RESPECT idea.

M.,

I would consider taking your son to a counselor who specializes in working with children. While I think it is normal for a child this age to say things like "I don't love you," when they are angry at a parent, your son seems to have more than the usual amount of animosity and fear toward your husband. Wanting to avoid being alone with a parent is a red flag - one you should pay attention to. I recently took my 4 year-old daughter to a child psychologist to discuss her tantrums and found it immensely helpful. Give it a try!

This is a little long, but I hope you bear with me. I definitely agree with those who say:

do not give him treats to win his affection!

It will not work. Your son is obviously very attached to you, is it because you give him treats? Of course not, and that will not help with his relationship with your husband either.

If your husband has always found quality time to spend with your son, and has helped in caring for him so that your son trusts him, then I would suggest that it is a phase or a control issue or both. I can understand that it must be very painful for your husband to hear those things, but I also agree with those who say that the more attention you have been giving the issue, the more it likely encourages your son to continue to behave that way. He is in control. Kids like to be in control. You might try giving him more control in other limited areas, while playing down the problem between him and daddy.

Try to give him more simple choices (that are still in your control) such as, "would you like to wear the green shirt or the blue?" "Would you like broccoli today or carrots?" "Should we walk to the park today, or to the store?" Don't ask "where do you want to go," "What do you want to eat" because then he'll likely say he wants to go to Disney land and eat cookies. Obviously that doesn't work.

At the same time, do not bribe him for his affection. Your husband should treat him the same as he always has (assuming he has always spent time with him and cared for him) and when he says hurtful things, tell him that you don't speak like that in your family. Tell him he can say whatever he likes in his room, but you and Daddy don't like to hear those things. If he won't go to his room, put him there, with the promise that when he speaks nicely he can come out. That way you're not trying to control what he says, only where he says it. He will soon learn that if he wants to be in company with people he likes and loves, he will speak kinder and more appropriately. Then it will be his decision, based on a real life consequence, because if you think about it, if you were to go around saying things like that to people, you wouldn't be in their company long either.

Hope this helps!

It sounds like your son is going through the Oedipus Complex phase, which is totally normal. Little boys will cling to their moms and reject their dads (Oedipus, in the Greek tragedy kills his father and marries his mother) and little girls go through a similar, but reversed phase where they are 'in love' with their fathers.

I'm sorry I can't offer much concrete advice on how to deal with it, but rest assured that it is a normal phase, which I'm sure is hard to deal with! Maybe you can ask your pediatrician or google some info about it...

Just from quick observation, it looks as though he sees your husband as an intruder into your and his relationship. In other words, he doesn't see your husband as "dad" but as "Intruder". Your husband needs to build more of a "father" relationship with him. I suggest some professional counseling on how to change this relationship. Your husband bribing him, in my opinion is the wrong way to go about it.

Have you gone to a child psychologist? That could open up some new ideas. Also..how well does your child interact with other children? Maybe you should not spent so much of your time with your son. Can you put him in a day care at all? Your husbands relation with his son is a different relationship. It is a son/father one..where as hubby is gone all day, and you son is with you constantly. He does not want that interference that your husband seems, in your sons eyes to project. Because when hubby comes home, hubby has to give both of you attention..and then your son has to "SHARE" You with your husband. He might resent that.

F. B

Hi, I think your son is manipulating the situation. He seems to get a lot of attention about it. I think your husband should stop trying so hard and ignore the negative behavior and statements. It might take some time,but then he'll stop playing games. Children are sensitive to people' reactions and insecurities. Giving him candy and treats is just trying to bribe him and your son knows it on some level. Your husband should be a part of the discipline, because that will make your son feel like he's being taken care of by his daddy.

On is there any reason to think your husband might have done something to earn the mistrust? If not, does he ever see you two argue or fight? If so, then he is probably taking sides and feels that he has to hate his daddy in order to be loyal to you. Either way, let him see you loving his daddy. Cuddle on the couch, kiss him, hug him, etc. Your husband will earn his respect by being consistent and disciplining him, not by luring him with treats and letting him do whatever he wants. Look how you earned it.
My nephew loved him to death when he was a toddler, but was very leery of my husband. While we were babysitting him, I made my husband discipline him and be firm, and he has been his favorite ever since.

Hi - I'm wondering if your son & husband have time scheduled for the 2 of them when you are not home? I think sometimes it is important for kids to see both parents providing them with nurturing & positive discipline - not just the one who stays home.

It might help if your husband had a "script" ready when your son says something hurtful (ie "it hurts my feelings when you say you hate me"). I think maybe your husband and son need to be able to work this out without you. Also maybe he could stop bribing, and not be afraid to firmly state limits, etc. Sometimes kids say hurtful things to test us, and see if we are willing to do what needs to be done to parent them.

I certainly agree with all the other ladies! Your husband needs to ignore the "insult" and BUCK-up! Your baby is completely manipulating you both! Not only is he getting everything he wants, he is probably getting more! I am sure that this is putting a huge strain on you and your husband. First off; You(mom), need to make hubby TOP priority! Set a time maybe in the evening where you set your son down with a book or some toys(no t.v.) and you and hubby have "couch time". Whether this is five minutes at first or an hour, you and your husband need to just sit and talk, laugh, whatever...Do not interact with baby until you are done. Let your boy know that your relationship comes FIRST! Let him see you enjoying each other. This is very healthy for him in that it will give him security.
Secondly; consistency! When hubby is home, he is in charge. You need to get your house in order girl! You both are making baby first and that is not how it goes. No more sweets. One thing that we tried with our boys is flicking them in the mouth every time something naughty came out of their mouth. You need to teach your boy some manners our he's going to grow up a rude, disrespectful brat. I am sorry if I am being harsh, but look down the road....you need to decide right now, do you want your son to keep this up and let it ruin him and potentially your MARRIAGE! or change and have peace, security, love(between everyone)...etc. Don't forget though, when you start to discipline correctly, you need to counter it with lots of love. Explain to him why he gets disciplined and that it is because you love him. Hubby need to step up the affection when your son is being nice and let them have alone time together. I hope that helps!

M. ~

Good for you for asking about this before your next baby comes. I think that your son might have a hard time with that transition.

My suggestions is to respond to your son's behavior as a couple. You and your husband together handle discipline and respond to his hurtful comments. Let him know he is not allowed to be intentionally unkind to people. That behavior immediately comes with an unpleasant consequence.

My guess is he is doing it to make sure you aren't paying attention to dad and remain focused on him. Children will often try to "split" or "triangulate"; pitting one parent against the other with one in the role of good and one bad. Squash this right away!

The two adults are the "Power Team", the kids are not. Sounds harsh, but it will really help your son's relationship to his dad, to you and to the new sibling if he is "demoted" a little.

I know my almost 3 year oid daughter goes through phases when she would rather be with her Daddy, then she will swing back to want to be with me. It important not take it personally or reward for it. Cut out the candy, treats and the reaction to his behavior. You are giving him way too much power and control over the entire family.
When he says, I dont love you, Youre not my friend, 'Youre old' Respond with, 'We dont speak to each other with mean or hurtful words - we treat others with kindness and respect.' Then leave it at that.
Have your husbamd back off and stop trying so hard - have him become less available. You know absence does make the heart grow fonder.
When he goes to play by himself - let him - leave him alone. It is important to respect his feelings of needing to be alone. He will come out soon espically after he realizes no one is going to go in after him to coax him out - he needs to be responsible family member all on his own.

That must be terribly hard. The most difficult thing to do will be finding out what your son is resenting about your husband. Is your husband gone alot? I would speak to a counselor if it continues. Your husband is doing the right thing by continuing to reach out to him. I am sorry I don't have the answer:)

HI! I think your husband needs to also be involved in the discipline. your son knows that he can show disrespect to his Daddy and that Daddy will keep trying to give him treats. when he learns to respect your husband, he will also learn to love him. If your husband continues to give him treats, your son will learn to expect them..and maybe already does. But when he learns the limits of his behavior towards any adult(respecting their athority) his attitude will change.

Yikes. Sounds like your three year old son is playing the two of you like a fiddle! For goodness sake, your hubby is getting hurt feelings over something a toddler is saying? (I'm smacking myself on the forehead in disbelief!) Your three year old doesn't even know what "hate" means. Kids go through periods of prefering one parent over the other all of the time. In another year or so, you'll probably be posting about how left out YOU feel because your baby is growing up and now wants to do big boy things with his daddy!

Tell your hubby to stop trying to be a buddy, to grow up a little bit, and be a dad who does not bribe or cajole this little boy. BOTH of you need to STOP REACTING to the "I hate you." Do you see how much power you are giving this little boy? Look at how much attention those three little words get him! Good grief. He gets one-on-one attention. His dad bribes him with goodies and doesn't even correct him for bad behavior for fear of "damaging the relationship further?" WHAT?! He's three. Not twenty-three! Talk about the perfect life for a little guy! He's the man of the house! Only he's three years old and needs his mommy AND a strong daddy to look up to!

When my now-four year old shouts "I hate you/I'm angry with you/I'm not your friend" (usually when he's being sent to his bedroom for a timeout) we ignore him - he's just blowing off steam. We darn sure don't reward him for this kind of bad behavior!

I would strongly recommend a parenting class or at least a session with a parent educator for you and your hubby to give you some very specific one-on-one advice on dealing with this. (Because I really think the poop is going to hit the fan when the new baby arrives! Get a handle on this now, before the new baby arrives and takes Mom's attention away from him!) My son attends a co-op preschool in Marysville and we have a parent educator who attends one day each week - I find myself going to her at least once a month to describe something that's going on in my house. It is SO wonderful to have that support!

It seems that your husband is rewarding your son for abusing him emotionally and is therefore teaching your son to keep it up.

First, you could stop giving him candy or ice cream until he behaves with consideration toward others (your husband). Second, your husband could read some books on how not worry about other people's (your son's) approval. Third, you should leave them alone as much as possible. Your son is still so young that he is dependant on an adult for getting his needs met and if mommy isn't around, he'll find a way to bond with his dad for survival if nothing else.

But it sounds to me that your husband needs to really work on how to respect himself and teach others to respect him too.

M.-
You say your son responds that "dad is old" and that is the reason why he doesn't love him. Has he been around someone old that has died or something he is watching on TV?
Is it possible that your son refuses to warm up to Dad because he is afraid he is going to die?
One thing I can say is I know how tough it is to get a Mamma's boy to want Dad more. I have a 4 year old boy who until the birth of his sister he only wanted me. Before she was born we decided to have Daddy and son days. They would go do something nice with eachother and I got the day off. This helped incredibly. Another thing we tried was usually if our Son was upset or mad I would talk or comfort him. We started teaching him that Daddy is just as good and that he doesn't always have to come to mom.
I fear that there are deeper reasons as to why your son is acting the way he is. Has he ever been hit by Dad? Does Dad's voice come across as stern and angry? Have you considered councling for just Dad and son?
I would just worry that if he doesn't establish a bond with his father that when he is a father himself he will not bond with his child.

Okay, I'm going to be the "weird mom" here. I apologize in advance if this is offensive to anybody, but I feel it is my duty to give information I "receive". I receive psychic information and I strongly feel that this behavior is coming from a past life. Your son had a very bad relationship with his father in a past life and is still holding resentment in this life. It could even be as deep as your husband being that father in that past life, however I don't "feel" he was. The statement that "daddy is old" could mean that he is the old dad "from last time". You could do hypnosis/past life regression or just talked to your son about this. You'd be amazed at what they remember from past lives in their early years. But try explaining that this is a new daddy and a new life. This daddy hasn't done anything bad and loves him very much. The "old daddy" is gone and he needs to know that that story has ended. This is like a new game...a "start over". Psychic/author Sylvia Browne has a lot of information regarding past lives and children. It might be worth checking into with an open mind. Good luck sweetheart...I think this can be resolved with some deep conversations with your son. And one last thing, I find its easier to talk with boys if you are doing something together. Life putting legos together or drawing while you're talking. Best wishes (the next child will have a great relationship with your husband, just tell your husband to let go of his insecurities about being a good dad-HE IS!)

C. J

We had a similar problem with my son because I am a stay at home mom and my husband works a lot. I am not exactly sure what the solution is but one thing that really helped us was to have my husband do the things I do like feed the kids, clothe the kids, give them baths, discipline, teach them things etc etc. In my opinion my son knew he could trust me and could come to me for things but didn't know he could get that stuff from his dad. I don't think your husband should be bribing him with candy and I don't think that he should "beg" for attention and affection from your son. He is the parent it should be up to him to give the love regardless of the reaction he gets. The child needs to know who is in charge and that he is provided for. I think I am guessing at your family situation a little bit, I am sure I don't know all the details so please feel free to take or leave anything I say, I am certainly no expert.