Seeking Advise on 8Yr Old Boy with Bowel Accidents

As a teen I would baby-sit a 7 year old boy that started doing the same thing. He saw his doctor and nothing worked for months. We had a good relationship and he out of the blue told me that someone was doing "bad things to him." It was heartbreaking to hear but that was what was the problem for him. I let the parents know and they took it from there. I just thought I would put this out there so you could hear it as a just in case thing.

I agree with Erin C. that you should get a second opinion. I also think that you should make a reward chart. Set it up so that if he tries every 2 hours AND doesn't have an accident for an entire week, he will get a prize. Once he has been able to do this successfully for a month, make it a BIGGER prize for making it through 2 weeks at a time. After that succeeds 4 consecutive times, push it up to a month. Realize that the prize could be anything from choosing a movie to rent at the video store for the family movie night, to choosing a dinner or type of pizza, to something he collects. You know him well enough to know what would motivate him. Just remember that he’s old enough that he may not want to keep it up for the same prize all the time. I know that you have 6 kids in the house, so it may be a better idea to have each of them set a goal to work on. Maybe one of them needs to work on being less sassy (me as a kid) or playing nicely with their siblings (my sister). This way they each can be working toward their own “prize”, so your son won’t feel like everyone is watching him succeed or fail.

Hope it helps~ J.

Hi K.,
After you get a second medical opinion and if all medical issues are ruled out, I would have him see a child psychologist. This is called "encopresis" and often has psychological roots. He probably feels pretty awful about it - there's a lot of shame that goes along with this kind of problem. There's a "famous" story about a therapist (a "narrative" therapist - a specific way of working) who worked with a kid with encopresis and they decided to call the problem "sneaky poo" - like the poo had a mind of its own. It took the problem out of the child and gave him a way to have power over it. So then he began to work on stopping the "sneaky poo" from sneaking out when he didn't want it to. I'm oversimplifying horribly here and I highly recommend seeking professional help but if there's anything you can do to not shame him or make him feel guilty about it, that's a start. I would say if you work on it from all angles (medical/emotional etc) then chances of it changing sooner will go up. And it sounds like you've got so much going on with blending two families - wow - that you could use a little extra help!

You can also google books on "blended families" and "stepparenting" - there are some great resources out there. You might even find a support group where you can share tips, ideas and frustrations with other parents going through the same thing. Just make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page when it comes to discipline etc or the kids will get soooo confused. And I'll recommend my favorite parenting book to you too - How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber/Mazlish. It's fantastic. Good luck with it all!!!

Bless your heart, you seem to have your hands full. I actually was with someone for a short period of time (before I met my current boyfriend) that also had three children! We had a 6, 7, 8, 10, 13, and 15 year old! Four girls and two boys. It didn't work out! (I still thank God for that daily)

Every struggle I've ever gone through in life has been worth what I am so richly blessed with now. I hope that you find strength in God on the days when you feel your being stretched too far :)

Does your son have any symptoms of having Crohns disease, or Colitis? Bless his little heart, I do hope everything works out for you and for your big family!

God Bless

Dear K.,

I watched Dr. Oz on Oprah a couple of weeks ago, and he said that the human bowel system cannot be forced, it operates on its own time, and that is known in the medical world as.... if I can remember the proper words, something that means that the human has to feel that he or she is in a safe place, and will not be bothered or harmed while the bowel is working. Something like a safe harbor bowel, because in the extremely olden days they had to do it outside where a wild animal could creep up on them, so that the body wouldn't allow the poop to come out if it were not in a safe environment.

All of this means that the doctor was right especially in his closing sentence. Find the right time. You might give him a sweet dried prune just before bedtime, and he might be ready to go to the bathroom soon after getting up. Give him water right away and a sweet prune just before bed. They don't taste as badly as they used to when we were children. Of course if it is the right season you can give him a plum to eat. I used to tell the kids that it was candy fruit - without the pit.

He is in very exciting and interesting part of his own individual life - imagine going into the 3rd grade and being in a school with up to the 5th grade, by the way, younger children are truly scared of the older ones, and rightfully so. I used to be an elementary school teacher and recess time is scary time for some younger kids. "Of course not in your school, people will say." Just be aware - that is not a good time or a safe place for his bowels to move. So that is why he won't go at recess time. We are complicated people aren't we? Just keep on trying and remember 3rd grade is the best, the kids tell great jokes and have a happy year - preparing, I suppose for the 4th grade that, I hear, is where their behavior (not your son's, of course) gets 'bad'. Stay close to him and to them. Sincerely, C. N.

Hi K.,

I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice for your son. It seems like others have given pretty good advice, though. My advice for moving the two families in together is this: get married first. If you're not ready for that kind of commitment, there's no reason to have all those kids rearrange their lives for something that may just be temporary. Kids need stability, so please keep that in mind when making big decisions that could effect the rest of their lives. Of course, you and your boyfriend deserve happiness, but this may be a good time to proceed with baby steps.

Are you sure that it is nothing medical? Maybe get a second opinion from another doctor?! I don't know all the details so it's hard to give any advice not knowing if you've alresdy covered it. Is there any CF (cystic fibrosis) in your family. If there is I'd have a sweat test done because Bowel and GI problems are symptoms. My daughter had a rectal prolapse and scared us to death but she has a complex medical history that causes many problems. Just go with your gut because we know our kids best!!! I know the difficulties of blending a family too! I had to take baby steps with the living arrangements. We have been under the same roof for 2 years now and still adjusting. Good luck!

I agree with Carrie - get married before moving in together and in the meantime, do not spend time overnight in one house. It sends the wrong message and may have a negative psychological impact on your son and contribute to his encoperesis. Bowel training is the medical answer with scheduled bathroom time, etc. Yes, the Dr. Oz information about being in a safe place to have a bowel movement is correct, but children are generally ALWAYS in a safe place whether at home or school and do not have issues with using the bathroom in a public place until they are older elementary age or pre-teen.
Remember, your children come first. Good luck!

Hello K.,

The advise you've received so far is great! But just to confirm my son has encopresis and it's very hard to understand why it's happening to your child. But his pediatrician sent him to a child psychologist who told us it was the lack of stability in our family, you see we move a lot were military and my daughter of 7yrs. old has been to 3 different schools and is barely going to 2nd grade just to give you an idea. But he's doing better, and I too am scared for him to start school and people not be understanding. Hope this helped,
N.

I have had this problem with my son as well. Usually he is fine at during the summer time, but once school starts, I almost expect it to happen again. I am not sure if it is because at his school there are only certain times that the children are allowed to use the restroom, or if it is some other issue, but I can relate to your problem.
Try to figure out a diet for your son. I have noticed that when I reduce my son’s intake of cows milk that he does not have as many accidents. I allow two glasses a day and that’s it. Also, make sure he is getting enough fruit and vegetables, and grains. He might just be constipated, so being sure he gets plenty of fruit and grains will help. Dairy tends to clog you up, so really keep an eye on how much dairy he eats/drinks.
Another thing that I have noticed that helps is omega 3 vitamin supplements. Since my family is vegetarian, we get flax seed oil, and my son takes half a teaspoon with breakfast every morning. I have been taking it too, and it does help a lot with softening the stool.
Also, have you asked your son how it feels when he has a bowel movement? I remember that my son had mentioned that it had hurt to poop, but after giving him the flax seed oil, he does not complain about it hurting anymore. So I am figuring that the flax seed oil softens the stool which makes it easier, and less painful.
Hope this helps! Good Luck!

M. *~