Seeking Advice on Talking to Three Year Old About Death

Oh my gosh! What a thing to have to experience, and at only 3 years old.

Have you told her that her care giver has a new job as an Angel?
I know my kids particularly like this idea and enjoy knowing that they have
their own personal guardian angels, aka, Grandma & Grandpa.

It's a hard thing to understand at the age of 3. Just keep trying to answer her questions
about it as simply and honestly as you can.

Hi, I have a 6 and a 3 year old. There dad passed away suddenly last year. It has been a difficult year and not easy to explain death to children. Its a difficult thing for me to understand as well. She always says, Mommy, my daddy died. The issue is she doesn't know what I am talking about. My counselor recommended a few books to read. It has helped a bit and worth looking into.
One is The Fall Of Freddy the Leaf.
Another book is Waterbugs and Dragonflies
and another one is When Goodbye is forever.

Its at least a start to help explain in a way kids can sort of understand. I hope these help. Let me know how it is going. If I think of anything else, I will email again. Good Luck.

I've found that talking to my daughter about death is easier in using things that she can understand/touch, etc.

That being said, the easiest way for us to explain to our daughter about death is using the circle of life. Everything is born, lives the life it needs to live, and then returns to the earth. We explained this to her as we had a little "good-bye" ceremony and buried some of our small pets (usually the rescue attempts of the animals the cat brings home). I think that using the terms like 'heaven' etc are too abstract for a child at this age. Doing something that they can touch/feel/see is more effective. So, we found that explaining how things return to the earth as we bury our beloved pet with love and gratitude to have had the opportunity to know such a wonderful being has always helped my daughter.

Good luck in finding a way to explain death. It's never an easy subject.

Children often think they did something to cause the death of someone they know and love. Try asking your daughter why she thinks her care provider died. If she doesn't know, say, honey, lots of times children think it was their fault when someone died, do you think you did something etc. You may then receive an answer you can correct. If not, just say, your care giver died, because her heart suddenly stopped, not because of anything you or your friends did. Then you can take a puppet (I suggest an animal one, not a Disney)and explain to her that all of us have two parts-an inside part and an outside part. The inside part is called our spirit or soul and the outside part is called our body. Slip your hand into the puppet and show her how the puppet comes to "life" when your hand moves but when you take your hand out, the puppet has no life. It's still. I've used this visual to help tons of kids. Also, talking to your child once is not enough. As she grows and learns new things, so does her understanding and her questions. Your child also has witnessed a traumatic event which could cause traumatic stress syndrome.This event could possibly cause trouble as she matures. I would talk to a professional who understands children and their response to death. God Bless!

Not exactly the same, but I talked with my 2.5 year old about this subject this week because my husband's aunt passed away. The conversation went like this:

Me: Aunt Esther went to be with Jesus today, sweetie.
Niko: That's sad (another uncle passed away over Christmas, so he must have remembered the conversation).
Me: It is sad, because we miss her! But it's happy because now she gets to be with Jesus!
Niko: That's happy and that's sad.

I was surprised he followed the nuance of that. Anyhow, as others have said, this conversation is going to have a lot to do with what you believe in.

I read somewhere (about a different topic, but I think it still applies) that you should be honest, be simple, and don't say more than they're interested in or ready for. Let the child lead it by their questions/comments.

I'm sorry for the loss -- may her memory be eternal! (that's what we say as Orthodox Christians)

T.

I would make sure that you don't tell your daughter that her caregiver went to sleep and is now in heaven- this may make her afraid to fall asleep at night, fearing that the same thing will happen to her and she won't wake up. I would keep it simple and tell her that her heart stopped beating and she's in heaven and that it is ok to miss her. Maybe you could frame a picture of her with her caregiver and put it in her room so she can look at it from time to time.

So sorry about your families' loss. Finding a trusting caregiver is such a blessing. I agree....keeping your answers simple and honest (not...."went to sleep" or "got sick and died)" and acknowledging her feelings that she misses her and you are all sad because of it, is all helpful. Maybe planting a tree or flower bed would be a nice way to acknowledge her with your family too. Good luck.

I havnt personally had to deal with this yet, but have talked with my almost 4 year old about death in the past. I dont know if you are a Chritian or not but it helps for them to understand and know God. My daughter has a great grama who obviously is "old", and a grandmother who is sick with multiple sclorosis. When we talked about it I let her know that there will be a time that they wont be "here" anymore, but that they will be in heaven with Jesus and God waiting for us. I have also talked with her about the fact that we all will die on earth one day and no one knows when that will be but when that happens they will be in a better place waiting on all those that they love, and if we are the ones hurting due to our lose that at least we can know that one day we will see them again when we join them in heaven. I have told her that dying is not bad, nor does hurt. Actually that they are the lucky ones because the get to meet God and Jesus before us. I have told her that I am not afraid to die and one day I will and she will and everyone will and that I do hope that its not for a long time but no one knows when its their time to go to heaven, only God knows that. I know it my seem like alot to tell a child, but mine seems to understand. She always makes the most out of seeing my mother, the sick one, and she knows that one day she will be in heaven. She doesnt act freaked out, or scared by it at all, but it hasnt happend yet so I can only hope that maybe I have prepared her enough that she may be alright when it does. Good luck and I hope your little girl will be alright also:)

Since the soul is eternal just think a thought of the wonderful things about the care giver. Always turn a negative thought into a positive one. So when she is missing her care giver ask your 3 year old what emotional gifts she gave to her and focus on those wonderful positive qualities. By focusing on the good feelings your 3 year old received from her care giver with all her wonderful qualities she will begin to find these same wonderful feelings from others around her, even if it comes from one of her favorite stuffed animals. Hope this helps.

You can explain what dead means: a persons body stops working, it doesnt do what it did before, ie, walk talk see, hear hug, etc, the person doesnt feel, happy, sad hot, cold etc, the person wil not eat drink, go to the bathroom. People die when they are sick, and very old.
When child asks questions(encourage this) refer back to above explainations. Use word deatn\h, not passed on, went away..there is no hope of return.
Talk about your being sad.
Hard for three year olds to accept the finality of death. They may connect events with death..s"she had a headache and died, mama has a headache...will she die"
explain difference betwen sick...and very very sick, old and over thirty!, sick and old and old and not sick.
Allow questions like, How old are you mama? do you feel sick?
Tell her feelings are ok, sad and tears are ok, she will feel better..being mad is ok
She could talk about the things she liked about care taker
There are some books like
The ten good things about Barney..that deal with death...the librarian will help you find otheres
I am sorry for your loss...your daughter will learn from you...as much as we want to protect our kids from sadness and hurt, we cannot, but they can learn how to handle it in our loving presence.
S. Kennedy

Be honest and tell her that she went up in the sky to be in heaven with God..if she asks who God is ..go to a Christian Book store and pick up a book for toddlers about the bible...they are very helpful..I too had to explain death to my then 4 yr old when my Grandfather passed away..he lived with us and she would go in his room and look for him all the time...she had turned 4 a week before he died..

S., there are some wonderful children's books for that age about death and would suggest you go to Barnes and Nobel and look thru them. Find one that you are comfortable with.

I just did a search under books at amazon.com and input the words: for children about dying
and a whole bunch of them showed up.

The best to you,
M.
www.toy-train-table-plans-store.com

I just read an article in a magazine yesterday about talking to kids about death. I don't see a copy of it online, but it was Cookie magazine. Anyway, it said to explain the difference between things that are alive (a dog, a bird, people) and things that are not (a chair, a car, a house) and then that all things that are alive eventually die. Their bodies stop working and they are not around anymore. This will most likely lead to the question "Will you die" or "Will I die" to which you should respond something like "Yes, but I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen for a long, long time." It also covered telling small children about spiritual beliefs (whatever yours are) and explained that saying "She went to heaven" can be confusing because to a kid going to heaven is the same as going to Buffalo or the grocery store -- they think the person will be back some time. That's why the discussion about bodies not working anymore.

My son, who is almost five, has been asking a lot of questions about death for the past year. In addition to all the other suggestions you've gotten here, I would add that he has expressed confusion over WHY people have to die. So I've talked about how people, animals and plants all have to make room for new life, and used that as an introduction for the whole "circle of life" concept. We don't get into too much detail - I try to be very consistent and make sure I take the time to really hear him when he brings this up.

I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this difficult time. There are wonderful books about grief and children as well as fantastic websites (The Dougy Center has great resources, including online). I have some of those books at my office (I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and specialize in Bereavement Facilitation), I will have to wait until this coming week to tell you the titles. However, as has already been stated, at her developmental age, it is important to meet your daughter where she is at. By this I mean, answer her questions directly and simply. Do not offer more than she asks for. It is completely normal for a 3-y/o to ask a few questions, run off to play, and return later to ask more questions. It is important to acknowledge her feelings and thoughts and allow free conversation about the caregiver. Do you have any photos of her, or of the 2 of them together? If not, can you get a photo of her? Is it possible to have playdates with her friends from the daycare? She lost a very important person to her, is it necessary for her to no longer have contact with the other children? It is important not to use terms such as "went to sleep", "got sick and died", because then these things could scare her and she may not want to fall asleep for fear of dying herself, or what if she gets sick, will she die too? As another person who posted said, describing the cessation of the body's functions is helpful. "Her body stopped working, she is unable to play...eat...breathe...walk...etc., anymore". Very concrete at this age. I will let you know the titles of the books I've found to be helpful when I return to work this week. If I can be of any further help, please do not hesitate to contact me. My email is ____@____.com care and God Bless!

Hi,

I have been thinking about your post... you are dealing with something more than just explaining 'death'... your daughter witnessed it...and the person was a caregiver. You daughter does not understand the permanence of death, or what heaven is, but I fear you may see her having anxiety issues about death down the road... not sure. you'll definitely need to keep an eye on her about this subject.

If it were me... gosh this is tough. Is she distressed about it? does she cry? I mean... this person, being a caregiver, was part of her life... just like her friends at the daycare were... I dont think it's likely she will forget about them any time soon, so don't rush her.

there are some resources out there to help you understand how to help your daughter.

http://kidsaid.com/dougypage.html

and here is another site that shows how they cope with death based on their mental development by age. http://www.kidsource.com/sids/childrensgrief.html

I'm so sorry for the loss your daughter experienced...

If you are not comfortable with handling this on your own or feel that what she is going through is too hard for her to handle, I definitely suggest talking to somebody in the mental health profession to ensure she receives the support to get thru this without too much anxiety.

Good luck {{hugs}}

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about that! How frightening! I've done a lot of research on this and had to deal with it while working at a childcare center (the father of one of our kids, not an employee).

What you want to do is think scientifically, be concrete and honest. Tell her that her teacher's body got very sick all of the sudden and stopped working and she died. Explain to her that because she died she won't be coming back. Try to keep religion out of the conversation because the concept of heaven and Gd can be very confusing to little kids because they CANNOT think abstractly. Children who hear about loved ones going to heaven can become scared of being in open spaces and being taken away and clearly telling her that the woman is sleeping can create fears of sleep.

She will probably not understand right away as most children don't understand the permance of death until they are about 7 or 8 and have developed abstract thinking skills. But keep explaining to her that her teacher won't be coming back. There is LOTS of good kiddie lit out there that deals with death. I'd recommend going to a local library and asking a librarian about some of them.

Encourage her to remember her teacher and what a wonderful person she was. Laugh at funny times they shared together and write about her a lot (obviously w/ her drawing and you taking dictation). You might even want to encourage the other teachers to engage the kids in making a memory book to give to the teacher's family as a way of saying thank you and good-bye.

I hope this was helpful! Good Luck.

You're young and you will come thru this. Hang in there. My dr. gave me Prozac and it made me a zombie also. He changed to another psyche med. and it helped take the edge off...they all work a little differently. Two little ones are a lot to handle and the added responsibility of the 2nd one can be overwhelming for a while. You'll come thru this mommy

I'm so sorry...this must be difficult. I only have a small bit of advise - I remember a long time ago Maria Shriver (sp?) was on Oprah talking about a childrens book she wrote (sorry, I don't know the name) about death. It seemed like a wonderful book and I know with my 4 year old, books always help to explain tough things. Best of luck.

Oh my gosh! What a traumatic experience for your daughter. What do you say?

Answering her questions in an age appropriate manner is top on my thoughts.

We recently lost 2 cats. One was a slow and labor some death and we all said goodbye to him and the other was sudden. Both were due to strokes and old age. I have 4 children, 3 of which are 4 & under, and they walked around for weeks talking about how the cats died. It was hard (primarily because they were my cats for 16 years) and the children were so loud and poignant in their words "Mom - Gem died." To the preschool teacher "Our cats died." To each other "The cats are dead!" I mean, it really drove me nuts. But, I think they had to declare it to the world in order to accept/understand it. They don’t carry the same sentimental emotions at such a young age, but they do sense your loss and need to have some understanding & resolution.

I know cats don't compare to people, especially a loved one, but in case this helps we told them the following:
- when an animal or person 'dies' their bodies stop working
- when a body stops working, it can't breath any more, move any more, see, hear, etc.
- their spirit leaves their body and goes to God who watches over them like mommy and daddy watch over you (child's name)

of course a million questions stemmed from this, the biggest of which was - what is a spirit? Depending on your faith, you find the answer that fits with your values. We said that the spirit is what God gives each of to live forever. It's what makes us different from anyone else and it can't be seen with eyes, but only felt with the heart. A little exoteric for kids, but again, it depends on your personal beliefs. Kids will continue to ask questions until they’re satisfied with the answers.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Best wishes from all the mommies who have lost moms, dads, aunts, uncles or any loved one. It’s never an easy road.